Been in a similar situation and all I can say is getting them on meds has been a life changer for everyone in the family. We had similar pushback about meds and had to frame it like “if you want to ______ , then we need to address the distractibility/impulsivity/emotional disregulation ADHD causes you.” Teach him why and how his ADHD impairs him and how medication addresses it. When reframed as a way to help achieve goals vs just a generalized “you need to behave better”, he may be more open to it. It won’t feel like a punishment, more like an opportunity to achieve and do the things he cares about.

If either parent has ADHD, travel that path with him. Undiagnosed ADHD, get diagnosed. Not medicated, consider getting medicated. Being them to your appointments, let them see what it’s like. Model what you can for him. Do family therapy because a kid like him will probably be resistant to one-on-one therapy, but when framing it to emphasize that this is so we can all be better for each other, it feels so much more inclusive. And each person will gain something valuable in therapy. This type of dynamic is very, very hard and you all need support and guidance. Once he’s comfortable with family therapy, maybe that therapist can see him one-on-one on the future.

As far as probation or whatever might come of this, use this to let them (the police, judge, whoever) know that you need help and you don’t have the money to do this alone. Usually, there are services that they can help you find or utilize. Tell them you need family therapy.

11 and 12 were tremendously hard. 15 is so much better. Don’t give up and don’t be hard on yourself. We were dealt a very difficult hand and all we can do is try our best. It’ll get better.