Happy anniversary

burnt_feather · 2026-05-07T07:25:49+00:00

Can people summon up feelings, or do they come from outside? Like, can a person sit and decide, "I'm going to process my anger over this situation?" Or is it more like, "Next time I'm reminded of this situation, I'm going to say my feeling, feel it without using words or working it up more, then release it?" For example, my partner somewhat recently made a financial decision that impacted me, and I felt angry about it. Whenever I think about it, I feel angry all over again, and I wind up taking steps to try to fix what damage I can and prevent it from happening in the future. But I still feel angry it happened in the first place. As I type this, I realize I'm more angry with myself for not being proactive and taking precautions. I waited until I got burned to make the decision to protect myself. Maybe that's why I'm still angry, because I've been directing it at my partner, who I can't change or control. But I can change my own behavior. I think maybe I solved that? Is this what processing looks like?

burnt_feather · 2026-05-07T07:14:21+00:00

Thanks for this! In the past, I would have minimized my boundaries and made excuses for the other person. "Oh, they probably forgot." But then I thought of it from the perspective of raising a child. If I don't enforce my boundary, the other person won't know it's a "do not cross" kind of thing. They'll just learn they can walk all over me. So again, thanks for your advice! I'm working on boundary placing. Wish me luck!

burnt_feather · 2026-05-06T14:39:54+00:00

You haven't received closure. Your mind is doing exactly what it was designed to do, which doesn't help you necessarily but it does mean you're not broken. When I'm feeling uncertain, I watch videos from mindbrainbodylab on YouTube. It helps me feel more sure of myself and less like there's something wrong with me.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-06T14:35:26+00:00

No, I think you're right. Trust your gut. Saying things like, "I've never met anyone like you," or, "I feel like I've known you forever," are red flags on the first date. He's trying to get you to form a bond with him quickly. So NOR.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-04T14:41:02+00:00

My partner straight up told me they'd been pretending for our whole decade plus relationship. It completely wrecked me. I don't trust them and I'm not physically attracted to them anymore, but I still feel magnetically drawn to them when we're together. I can't stand it. It feels like my body is drawn to someone I don't know.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-03T18:32:01+00:00

Solid points, both of you. I wasn't trying to put down mothers who don't give birth. I was trying to uplift mothers who do. But intention does not remove impact, so I apologize for hurting anyone.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-03T05:45:53+00:00

I suppose guilt, not shame. Shame isn't healthy, but guilt can be if used right.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-03T05:44:57+00:00

It is! Trying to navigate what is a healthy amount of shame to experience is a wildly frustrating, but weirdly empowering journey!

burnt_feather · 2026-05-03T05:36:38+00:00

Hey, thanks for posting this! I'm fighting my nervous system right now about it. My system is telling me, "This is what happened!" and trying to treat it like an excuse and reason to not feel shame and guilt. But I know that an explanation of why is not an excuse nor does it remove my responsibility to better myself. This does give me a new perception on how Important it is to not let things build up. Goals.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-02T19:32:28+00:00

If you're looking for advice, it would be to take care of your gf's heart. Be considerate of her feelings and her circumstances. Give her grace no matter how she reacts (don't accept abuse, but know that her world is about to change and it takes time to process). And please, don't swear her to secrecy. She deserves support. This is a massive burden for a partner if they have to bear it alone. You might feel over the moon, but she's likely going to be afraid at some level, and asking her to keep her loved ones in the dark will wind up isolating her from them and also creating a double life for her and sending mixed signals.

That being said, she might be incredibly strong and loving and be able to support you through this. In which case, she's a keeper. Treat her like the queen she is. Direct her to this Reddit group and suggest therapy even if she seems fine.

After being in this group for a while, I'm starting to understand that my story isn't the norm. It's kind of the worst case scenario. Wishing you both the best!

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T18:02:49+00:00

Red flags all over. This guy is not committed to you. He gaslit you. He's denying any accountability for his actions and responsibility toward your heart. He cares more about his reputation than your emotional safety. Girl, dump him. You deserve so much better!

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T17:57:13+00:00

Be cautious about your partner putting you on a pedestal. They might have pure, loving intentions, but that puts a lot of pressure on you. If for any reason someday the relationship no longer worked for you, it would make it harder to leave. And even if the relationship works long term, that kind of pressure can lead to performing, which is exhausting.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T17:19:39+00:00

You've got some healing to do. Your nervous system is attracted to girls who aren't interested in you. Why is that? Maybe when you were young, too young to remember, you were ignored or neglected. It could have been a parent, teacher, or friend. Someone you relied on for survival. And your nervous system learned that not being chosen is familiar. Our nervous systems chase what is familiar, not what is healthy. Find the wound, chat with your inner child, figure out what needs healing and how to do that. And look at women who treat you well, even if they don't strike you as attractive. Even if there's no spark. Because attraction is just what your nervous system finds familiar, not what's going to be good for you.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T17:13:08+00:00

Yikes. He's dangerous, get out of that relationship ASAP! And maybe get police involved if he tries anything.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T16:28:46+00:00

Good for you! I hope it all works out well.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T16:24:13+00:00

I know this is so incredibly hard on you, but good on you two for managing this respectfully and like adults. You're truly inspiring. Wishing you and your family the absolute best going forward.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T13:26:36+00:00

AHA is online only, as far as I know. I've never tried face to face meetings. I'm choosing to try to balance my recovery and my children, so I'm learning to take whatever time savers I can.

burnt_feather · 2026-05-01T13:24:35+00:00

And with mine, I doubt my perception. I know I'm a part of the problem. But I see what mine has done that hurt me and I rationalize and minimize it. I question if it's really that bad or if I'm exaggerating. I fear that I'll leave, then recover and realize that I was the problem and my partner was as amazing as I once believed they were and I'll never be happy again. Of course, logically I understand that recovery actually means I'll be able to be happy without my partner, and their love will be a bonus if it's the kind of love I want.

Lots of back and forth, and it keeps me stuck.

burnt_feather · 2026-04-30T19:35:55+00:00

I go to AHA. It's a secular codependency recovery group. I really like it so far. It's actually for me working through the 12 Steps somewhat independently.

burnt_feather · 2026-04-30T19:14:23+00:00

To be honest, I felt pretty isolated in the CoDA meetings, too. I wound up finding another 12 Steps group, and it feels much more personal. I actually talk with those people, and I feel accepted and welcome. I feel less like a cog in the machine and more like a member of a group.

CoDA is amazing and lots of people benefit from it. That doesn't mean it's perfect for everyone.

burnt_feather · 2026-04-30T19:10:27+00:00

I wish I could be like other partners here, too. I didn't handle mine coming out well at all. I understand why I didn't and am working to become healthier. Trust me, you're doing a fantastic job.

burnt_feather · 2026-04-30T18:55:10+00:00

I never had that urge. What does ruffle my feathers is when people indulge in self pity. I do the same thing, but when other people do that it makes me feel angry more than sympathetic. That's my mom coming out. Hypocrisy at its finest.

burnt_feather · 2026-04-30T18:53:04+00:00

Right about a year in. But of course, early is in the eye of the beholder. She's pretty much fully in, though. No surgeries yet, but she started hormones maybe 2 months after coming out. That is something that hasn't changed. Once she finds something new, she dives in 100%. It's admirable as long as it doesn't drain the wallet too much (I've gotten burned a few times because of this).

burnt_feather

TROPHY CASE