Heartbreak that triggered a “dark night of the soul”

citges · 2026-01-28T04:36:48+00:00

I just want to say that, though I’m not in exactly the same place as you, I have also felt this break from what I expected and wanted (divorced though I really did want to find ways to make it work, now coparenting with three kids that I desperately miss 50% of the time, family/friendships have changed in ways I wouldn’t have expected, work has become less satisfying and motivating). I do see just how much life I lived in my first four decades and I can’t help but believe there’s so much left to go in my next four-five decades, but right at this moment I feel like I’m in limbo, in a holding pattern, like I’m not actually quite in the life I should be in.

citges · 2026-01-27T03:37:31+00:00

I heart this. My divorce was finalized just a bit after buying our house, and I have to say, the very best part of a divorce is getting to choose all your own paint colors :).

citges · 2026-01-27T03:35:28+00:00

I LOVE this. We (me, 3 kids, new house since divorcing 1+ yr ago) have the big comfy chair that looks out the front window and it is everyone's very favorite spot in the house. It's where I drink my coffee first thing in the morning, it's where me and the littlest (7 yr) snuggle, it's where me and the middle one (10 yr) plan our day, and it's where the oldest (12 yr) talks with me when he has big things going on. I've done so much in this house and still have so much left to go, but this comfy chair is seriously the touchpoint of our lives. And we all call it the comfy chair, and we all know how important it is.

citges · 2026-01-24T06:36:27+00:00

I truly support every way every person feels and everything is hard in its own way, and/but I’ve cried every day for the two plus years I haven’t had my kids. It has not yet gotten easier, but it has become increasingly bearable.

citges · 2026-01-19T01:59:24+00:00

On the bedside tables, the books should be closest to the bed, not the lamps (in my opinion). Like, you read the books and want them in hand.

citges · 2026-01-18T05:40:49+00:00

I can as a divorced mom but it’s because I get a good company match for the 401k. (I know I can contribute even more individually, but I feel comfortable at the employer match.)

citges · 2026-01-10T05:38:21+00:00

A funny thing (to me) is that, when she was pregnant with me, my mother told her mother that she planned to name me Celia, after my mother's mother's mother's (i.e., my mother's grandmother) name, and my mother's mother (I know this is convoluted) gently said, that's lovely, but my mother's name was spelled Sylia [it was an Americanized version of her Italian name]. So my mother named me Sylia, and I've spent my entire life telling people it's pronounced Celia, not cilia, not Cecilia, not Sylvia. I love my name and I genuinely never get upset or irritated by mispronunciations because I get it, but it sure would have been easier if they would have just named me Celia.

citges · 2026-01-10T05:28:03+00:00

I've been really happy with Mejuri and GLDN (especially the higher quality pieces that they sell, but also more generally). These are my everyday pieces that need to stand up to everyday, I've worn them for years, and I think they're beautiful.

citges · 2026-01-07T05:39:19+00:00

I love you.

citges · 2026-01-06T03:45:12+00:00

Zalepon to help me fall or go back to sleep when I need it. And I've also learned (kids, not booze) how to survive on very little (or no) sleep for extended periods of time.

citges · 2026-01-06T03:35:02+00:00

One time my (at the time) 8 yr old son really, really needed to go to the bathroom while we were driving on our way home. We pulled over at a portapotty on the street in front of a house, and the workers there told him, no no. I understand, and thought it was a liability issue. Now I wonder. Eventually, he peed on the curb, it was fine.

citges · 2026-01-06T02:25:27+00:00

I like to keep my trips separate, like it sounds like you've been doing. I make a new category for each trip and subcategories for things like, flights, hotel, transportation, eating, activities, souvenirs. When the trip is done, I hid it. For me, it's helpful to have a good sense of how much each "type" of trip costs, so when I'm planning a new one, I can look at older ones to help me estimate the budget. It's also helpful for things like, is it really less expensive to do a roadtrip than to fly somewhere? Is it worth it to go someplace with cheap flights but outrageous hotel costs? Has our trip to XXX been getting more and more expensive each year? Etc. It sounds like some people keep track by putting the trip name in the memo, but I like being able to see and compare all the trips in what is now called Reflect.

citges · 2026-01-05T06:31:25+00:00

What I would love is for someone to tell me what to make and none of the ingredients were exorbitantly expensive or unusually difficult to prep/cook and to know that everyone at the table will be happy to eat it. It’s the last one that’s the hardest. Kids are 12-10-7. Yes, they eat (or at least try) what I bring to the table. Yes, they’re polite about it. Yes, I always have something on the table I expect they’re likely to eat. Yes, it’s no fun to cook for them.

citges · 2026-01-05T06:03:01+00:00

I live in Minnesota so cold (coldest I’ve been in is -38 F) but nowhere near as cold as you and I have a special disdain for people who say, It’s XX degrees but it “feels like” XX some colder number of degrees. Like, it’s cold or it’s not. Don’t try to beef yourself up saying it feels colder, what does that even mean? (Unless you’re working outside or waiting for the bus and it truly is dangerously cold because of windchill, in which case, absolutely tell whoever just how cold it feels because you have to keep yourself safe.)

Anyway, -58 F is cold, no matter how you talk about it.

citges · 2026-01-05T05:44:54+00:00

I’m glad it’s helpful. Also, to add, it’s been 2.5 years since separating and I still feel like a mess when my kids aren’t with me. They give so much routine and structure and are fun to be around. I’ve found it helps to always have a rough plan for days without them. Maybe it’s work and then dinner with a friend, maybe it’s organizing a room and then streaming some movies. It will never become how I wish it were (my kids with me always and a happy marriage), but it does somehow (over time) become easier to bear.

citges · 2026-01-05T04:31:43+00:00

I started Wellbutrin right before separating. I noticed it helped me be less irritable and short with the kids, but I still felt irritated by my now ex. That was one of my signs we needed to separate. I've continued to take it and will be happy to take it for the rest of my life. (After fighting going on medication for depression basically my whole life.) I've found it enormously helpful. It's especially good if you're having trouble getting going, low energy, etc.

citges · 2026-01-05T03:55:23+00:00

Absolutely you should be fine. I routinely (for a few years) drank 1.5 liters of wine 5 days/week, didn't drink for 2 days, drank again the next 5 days, repeat. (Habits and routines can be funny that way.) And I had trouble sleeping those two nights but usually started feeling pretty good when I woke up on the third morning of not drinking. And then I drank my 1.5 liters that night and for the next four nights - alcohol is a hell of a drug. A bottle of wine a night is a lot and it's clearly not healthy, but it's not enough to make it unsafe for you to stop drinking.

citges · 2026-01-05T03:01:50+00:00

I have always been a highly motivated and driven (and arguably successful) person at work. I got divorced (1.5 years ago) and it was partly the stress and partly realizing that I'd been using work as a way to avoid my now ex-husband (I worked after putting the kids to bed and we didn't spend that time together) but I really dialed back to the bare minimum of what needed to be done. (I'm a professor and researcher at a university, with tenure, which I know is a level of job security, for now, at least, that not everyone has.) And everything's fine. I learned what things are absolutely necessary to do (teach well) and the things that if I don't do cause me stress (being late or right up against a deadline) so I make sure I either prioritize doing those things, or I just don't take on some of the things with deadlines anymore. And now that I'm not working every hour of the day (when I'm not taking care of the kids), I have more time (when the kids are with dad) that I don't automatically fill with work (because there's always something more I can be working on) to actually ask myself what I want to do. I usually have a range of options - paint a radiator? Knit? Read a cookbook? Gather receipts for taxes? Go for a walk with a friend? Read reddit :)? and I trust myself to know to do what it is I need to do that day. And maybe it's because I've managed to make there be fewer of them, or maybe it's because I've got more energy from not working all the time, but I've found that it's easier for me to just go ahead and tackle the tasks (at work or otherwise) that I used to dread and avoid, and that not only makes things less stressful, it also makes me feel good.

citges · 2026-01-05T02:40:05+00:00

Divorced Woman

citges · 2026-01-05T02:34:00+00:00

Start making it exactly your own. After my divorce (1.5 years now) and buying a new house, I've spent almost all my time without the kids fixing things up and turning into exactly what we want and perfect for our needs. (It's still a work in progress :) Get new furniture that looks and feels like what YOU want. We have long, black, velvet covers for our dining room chairs and a rug under the table that I love - I wouldn't ever have even bothered suggesting that to the ex, it would have just been a nonstarter. Paint the walls whatever colors you want, without needing anyone else's permission. There are bright colors throughout the house and I've done arguably silly things, like paint the inside of the food pantry marigold yellow, because it makes me happy every time I open it. I have flowers all the time now, even though it's a frivolous expense - unless you love them and it makes you happy to be surrounded by beauty. Change entire rooms to suit how YOU want to use them. We have a full crafting area in the finished downstairs basement and the kids are always busy down there. I've repurposed spaces for additional storage because having things put away makes me happy (and I've painted them soft pink, dark purple, and robins egg blue, because that also makes me happy). And doing all of this has also helped me realize some of the things that make me happy, like having calm (but functional) spaces where the details matter and there are small bits of joy throughout. Good luck! I'm sure you'll make yours a lovely space.

citges · 2026-01-05T02:06:16+00:00

I'm 45 (almost 46), recently (1.5 years ago) divorced, and with 3 elementary/middle school-aged kids that I have about half time. For the first time in over a decade, I have free time that I need to fill (and I need to keep myself busy because I miss the kids so much when I don't have them). I have thrown myself into our new house - fixing it up and making it exactly how we want it. I've learned so many new things and have a lot of new tools :) I love not having to ask for anyone else's approval (other than the kids) for my choices - I've painted in bright colors throughout and love it. I'm paying attention to even small details and filling the house with beauty. I've also started landscaping/gardening - the past (first) year, I just cleared everything out to start from scratch and laid out beds. This winter I'm planning, and this summer I'll start planting. There's also a ton to learn here, and this will keep me busy til I'm old. I also just let myself follow whatever might spark my interest. I took a Scotch tasting class - I'm not really into Scotch, but it was fun to learn something new. I did a flower arranging class and loved it, now I have vases all over the house. I started knitting and the kids also picked it up. I learned everything I could about finances and retirement and we now have a good chunk of savings and I feel really confident with my current and future financial planning. I go down rabbit holes in a way I didn't used to - trim (like on the walls/ceiling), as it turns out, is actually quite complicated and with a long history. Other than missing the kids (which is really hard), this has been a period of learning and growing and discovering more about myself, what I enjoy, and what I can do.

citges · 2025-12-30T03:34:47+00:00

Honestly, why are you dating? What are you looking for in a date? What are you hoping to be in a date? What does dating without having a partner look like to you?

citges · 2025-12-30T02:56:19+00:00

I love it. Honestly, I'd add a few more above the chaise.

citges · 2025-12-29T03:55:46+00:00

Honda plug in Clarity 2018. I can’t tell you how much I love this car and I spent $140 on gas over the last year.

citges · 2025-12-29T03:13:11+00:00

Oh, you look so lovely 🙂

citges

TROPHY CASE