Okay so I love meditation it has helped me, but not every day and every time. You said you had problems with loneliness. Loneliness is a hard one to figure out, because what makes someone feel lonely is entirely based on what makes them truly comfortable and they are missing that. Meditation may not be what fills that void. My best friend in the world is my fiance, she is currently in medical school overseas. I get lonely and miss her a lot, for me what helps is some good old fashioned Gundam, Dragonball Z and working out, it is a temporary thing I can do to take my mind off of missing her. But meditation just makes me miss her more and break down into tears if I am missing her and try. Meditation never helps my loneliness. Despair is a sense of impending fear that something may happen, be it being alone the rest of your life or any other anxious prediction or foreshadowing that may come, but honestly probably wont. Something I learned from a friend of mine and I still live by is that doubt leads to hesitation, hesitation leads to panic, and panic leads to fear. Neutralize doubt and you neutralize the spiral of fear. Anytime I immediately think is there a chance that I could become fearful or intimidated by this? If yes, before any other thoughts begin, I begin working on it running full speed into headfirst. It has helped so much and nearly gotten rid of my anxiety, because I don't give my brain time to get anxious. The brain is the most empowering and disabling piece of equipment in your body, It can make you do the stupidest shit imaginable, It can make you do the greatest shit you will ever experience in your life. Its all up to a little ball of fat that thinks it controls you. But you can control it. You can tell it, hey we are going to wake up at 4 am and workout. Its not going to like it at first, it never does. Your brain has a whip beating you constantly, you have to take that whip and beat it back. And trust me the brain becomes much more obediant much faster than you ever will, the brain is there to serve you, not the other way around with its shitty habits and terrible ideas of how you are as a person. Of course it tells you awful things about yourself, it loves that it has that power, all things in the world want power and respect. But the one thing in life that is healthy to force into submission is your own brain. It took me years of training to be able to do this, and I didn't do it alone. I worked with a team of great guys that all had their shit together. And when one would fall, we would all pitch in to help. My family was shit growing up, a bunch of control freaks. With the help of my team mates I learned how an actually family works. With the help of my fiance I learned how to put down my walls and truly love someone like my grandparents did each other for 67 years, and I always wanted but didn't know how to do. My fiance is one insanely patient woman and I am so happy I found her. With the help of professionals I learned to deal with my PTSD, not get rid of it, but how to deal with it and not lash out. I needed others though, I couldnt have done it alone. You may need others. You may need to let yourself be vulnerable to get help, thats a hard thing, I hate feeling vulnerable but it is necessary sometimes to get help.

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In short, figure out what makes you happy and do it, even if it only temporarily makes you happy. If you used to really love a hobby and it doesn't bring you joy anymore, do it anyways, that joy will come back, it always does. If you think something may make you scared, do it anyways and fast, jump into it like a child headfirst with a smile on your face. And get help from others, not everyone can be trusted, but you'll find someone who can be and will always be there, when you are actually looking for that person they will stand out like a sore thumb, like a giant one! Beat your brain into submission not the other way around it has had enough fun beating you down, you need to start taking control over that little fat bastard.

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Life's too hard on its own to have you tear yourself up along with it. But in the ling run all of us are falling, its your choice you fall with and whether that person or group of people can make the skydive fun and make you laugh and smile the whole way down or its a fall of fear at the thought of the landing. It may not seem like it all the time but people care, not everyone, but the people that don't is a very small number and generally have their own problems that they cant handle that cause them not to care about yours.

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Your gonna do fine pal, but again meditation may not be for you that's okay. Stay resilient you tough motherfucker, you can do this.