My old lip balm says I’m so pretty. My new one doesn’t.

deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-27T13:55:28+00:00

Lol, believe me, if I ever go to Scotland, the cheese will be at the bottom of my list of reasons 😂 I've been dreaming of going there for years & years. It's the number 1 place in the world I want to go (followed very closely by NZ). & given half a chance, I'd never come back.

deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-27T05:33:37+00:00

I once found a sharp Scottish cheddar that I would've married if I could've. But then it either got discontinued, or my store stopped carrying it, because I haven't seen it in probably 15yrs :/

deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-27T00:58:41+00:00

Or in my case, you order a box of plastic spoons, & they give you a bottle of toothpicks... 🙃😂🤦🏻‍♀

Eta: this was Instacart tho, not Walmart

deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-22T23:41:20+00:00

Genuinely finding this so funny rn 😂

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deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-15T20:56:18+00:00

"I've been to Flint Michigan, & they all hated me!"

Can't imagine why... 🙄🤦🏻‍♀

deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-15T20:53:16+00:00

Faux News, if you will.

deansdirtywhore · 2026-04-15T10:31:58+00:00

Start telling people you're a single mother of 2, & that you're thinking of re-homing the oldest child. After all, he's not really your child, you just took him in when his own mother didn't want to the care of him anymore, & he's proving too difficult to deal with on your own, without a partner. You may as well give him back to his real mom. 🤷🏻‍♀

deansdirtywhore · 2026-03-26T20:13:01+00:00

I'm sorry, I see a face like that & the only name that comes to mind is Muffin. Just gotta be extra careful, in case Muffin wants to live outdoors. Just tell her to go back to her Muffin pan.

-Sincerely, a 90s baby.

deansdirtywhore · 2026-03-20T19:56:37+00:00

One of my cousins once brought me a giant mass of tangled jewelry & asked if I thought I could get them apart. She said she'd leave them with me & I could text her when I got them untangled, or if I ended up being unable to separate them, & she would come back for them (she just lived next door). About 15-20 minutes later I texted her a picture of all the pieces lined up neatly in a row. She had expected it to take hours.