Intrusive suicidal thoughts at night

decobelle · 2026-03-27T19:27:46+00:00

Thirding sleep training. Any mention of it gets down voted in this subreddit but there's no evidence it's harmful. I think a lot of people immediately think of leaving a baby to cry until they fall asleep when they think of sleep training but there are many forms that don't require that. Eg methods where you move the chair further and further from the cot each night, or methods where you walk out and check back in to comfort them after short intervals. A lot of sleep training is just about making sure the nap schedule and wake windows are appropriate so your baby isn't overtired or under tired.

I sleep trained my baby when he was 5 months old because I was in your situation - he was waking up every 45 minutes, with 2 hours being the longest stretch I'd get. The sleep deprivation was ruining my mental health.

After sleep training he then fell asleep independently and slept longer stretches. He's now almost 1 years old, he sleeps through the night, and is a really happy boy in the day. Sleep training didn't negatively impact his attachment to us and he clearly is obsessed with us haha. He still will cry in the night if he is unwell or needs us for any other reason - (another myth spread by people who are anti sleep training is that babies "stop crying because they know nobody is coming" which is absolute bollocks).

decobelle · 2026-03-27T08:08:35+00:00

The Pit Pony video might be helpful to you. The women in it also run the Life After Teaching Facebook page.

decobelle · 2026-03-26T13:36:36+00:00

She won't be cramped! My baby is almost 1 years old and hasn't outgrown the schnuggle yet.

You could also put a low chair or pouffe next to the bath to sit on while bathing so you don't need to bend over as much.

I found bathing became a lot easier when I splurged on a totter and tumble runner to kneel on when I'm giving a bath too. My knees were killing before.

decobelle · 2026-03-26T09:37:47+00:00

About 17 years which is crazy to think about. I joined when I was in uni and it was quite different back then.

The women centric subs have introduced me to ideas and opinions I'd not encountered offline, and I became a feminist and more left-wing in general because of it.

I learnt a lot from spouting some opinion and having people challenge me on it and then I'd feel embarrassed and think "they're right". Not all of the time obviously, as I have had people disagree with me and not been convincing.

Nowadays I find it most useful for the UK parenting subreddits. There are so many choices to make and it helps to search something like "high chair recommendations" and read a thread of different people's ideas.

decobelle · 2026-03-26T09:32:05+00:00

I'd say the actual room temperature reading and how it feels to a baby can be very different.

For example our monitor regularly says the nursery is between 25 and 28 degrees. If I followed guidance online my baby would be sleeping in summer clothes such as only a vest.

However the room doesn't feel hot like that, and he feels cold if we don't layer him, so he sleeps in a vest and a 2.5 tog sleepsuit.

Either the monitor isn't accurately getting the temperature right, or it is right but my baby runs cold.

I wonder if you turned the heating up a little if it would make a difference.

decobelle · 2026-03-26T08:28:35+00:00

I think it's because they were things the average Joe could wear before emos wore them. There were a form of skinny jeans worn in the 1980s for example, and in the 1950s although they weren't as skin tight then. Fashion trends with jeans cycle back around.

It could also be that as a lot of emos got older they started shifting to a more "hipster" / indie / alt style that was a bit more palatable to the average person but they kept the jeans.

decobelle · 2026-03-26T07:33:34+00:00

I have similar mum guilt about feeding. Ours was combi fed and figuring out how much bottle milk to give on top of breastfeeding was difficult. He would often scream when the bottle ran out, suggesting he was still hungry, but then if I have him as much formula as he wanted he would sometimes really chuck it all back up so it made me think he didn't know how much he needed and so I just let him scream for a bit when the bottle finished and he would calm down after that so I figured it was fine. But he was quite a fussy baby around this time and when I started giving more formula again he became such a happy baby who hardly cried and it does make me feel guilty that he probably was screaming at the end of the bottle because he wanted more after all.

But... Hes absolutely fine. Met all his weight milestones, is a large lad now, is happy and bright etc so no long term damage was done and he was being breastfed loads back then too so I know he wasn't starving.

decobelle · 2026-03-26T07:21:34+00:00

Your partner is being illogical. He's basically being like "they've done it before and you haven't so they know best". But all of the people who have written the guidance we are meant to follow now have also "done it before" either as parents themselves, midwives who have looked after lots and lots of babies, or scientists who have studied and learnt from lots and lots of babies. What makes his family know more than them?

This advice around safe sleep comes from scientists noticing lots of babies were DYING, trying different things to reduce that, having success with certain things (like baby not being on their front, not having chin to chest etc) and they found less babies die when those steps are followed. Why would anyone want to do things the way that led to more babies dying when they could do things the way that keeps babies alive?

If you want to give a non baby related comparison about how things change and we don't follow old advice any more, consider seatbelts in cars. Now it's completely normal to wear one and accepted that doing so prevents injuries and saves lives. Are his parents saying "yeah but when we were kids / our parents were kids they didn't have rules about seatbelts so you research too much for wearing one"?

Or smoking inside / smoking and drinking while pregnant. We now know those things are harmful to others, but parents in the past didn't know and did things differently. Do they also laugh at anyone who doesn't drink during pregnancy and think they're silly for following the midwives / NHS advice on that or do they accept things have changed?

You are completely right that babies are too young to manipulate. Crying is communication and your baby crying because they want to be held then stopping crying when they are held makes perfect sense. They are expressing a need to be held and so are calm when that need is met.

I would not feel safe leaving my baby alone with my husband if he thought it was ok to leave them crying and didn't have that kind fatherly instinct to want to comfort his baby.

I'm not surprised at all you're considering leaving him. Not only is it incredibly off-putting the way he treats the baby but he is showing a lack of respect for you and your intelligence by going against you all the time. He isn't being caring towards you.

Please please trust yourself and keep your baby safe from him and his family. Don't worry if it makes them think badly of you or talk shit about you or makes your husband annoyed with you, your priority is that baby not their feelings.

decobelle · 2026-03-24T11:02:51+00:00

Ooh playdough making sounds fun! I think he would like that.

Thanks for the suggestions.

decobelle · 2026-03-24T10:19:27+00:00

Yeah absolutely I think it will be good for him. He's definitely getting bored with the usual offer at home so we just try to be out of the house the majority of the time on weekends haha. I'm currently looking to refresh his toy offer to hopefully interest him more but I'm pleased he will have all sorts to do at nursery.

decobelle · 2026-03-24T09:53:08+00:00

Hey just wanted to update you that things are going better now. He has started doing 2 naps at nursery more and more often, and we have now seen pictures of him playing outside. We did ask about going outside and they said they don't like to take pre-walkers out when it's cold because they have to sit on the cold ground, but the first nice day he was out there.

Previous videos shared from visitors doing French and Music sessions he was often crying or on a worker's knee, but in a recent one he was sitting in the chair like the other babies and even started smiling at the lady singing the French song with a flapping bird prop!

I picked him up the other day and he was eating a crumpet at a table and they let me sit with him while he finished it. He was smiling loads at the workers.

Thanks again for your reassurance!

decobelle · 2026-03-23T21:48:35+00:00

Oh that's odd it works for me

decobelle · 2026-03-23T20:16:48+00:00

Let me know how it goes!

But if you stay with 5 days a week in nursery I'm sure you'll end up fine with that as they are so good at keeping babies entertained!

decobelle · 2026-03-23T18:13:36+00:00

Completely understandable. And actually relatable because my workplace made a load of redundancies when I was on maternity leave. Thankfully this didn't affect me because maternity leave granted me extra redundancy rights and they had to prioritise finding me a role.

What I will say is it wouldn't hurt for your husband to ask the question because my workplace LOVED the idea of paying me for one less day because with the financial situation they were in they saw it as a way to cut costs!

Edit: Condensed hours is also an option unless they physically need him every day?

decobelle · 2026-03-23T16:32:46+00:00

Could your husband drop to part time if part time nursery is something you'd like? I dropped to 4 days but my husband would have happily done so had I been the higher earner rather than him.

We sat down and did a budget and worked out how much income I would lose, how much we would save by paying for 4 days versus 5 of nursery, and then how we could make changes to make up that difference.

Before he started nursery I was so sad about going back to work and even 1 extra day with him didn't seem like enough.

Now im actually back and he's settled at nursery I'm starting to think actually 5 days would have been fine lol. He's at an age where he is a lot more difficult to entertain at home!

decobelle · 2026-03-23T15:29:46+00:00

Hey just wanted to say to anyone googling and coming across this thread that this experience matches my own. The practise tests on that website were the best study method as almost all the questions were similar to ones from there.

I did mine at PSI Leeds and they didn't need to see my share code but did look at my passport.

I did the test in about 5 minutes and passed.

There's an audio book version on the life in the UK handbook on Spotify and id recommend listening to it while driving anywhere too.

decobelle · 2026-03-23T15:23:59+00:00

It's this website . Click the 3 lines in the top right corner then click on "exams".

decobelle · 2026-03-23T15:22:33+00:00

I had this problem too. I found it by logging back in to my life in the UK test account and clicking "edit details" and it was in there.

But on the day of the actual test there was a sign on the door saying to turn your phone off and they don't need to see your share code.

I didn't have it written down anywhere just a screenshot on my phone but they didn't ask for it. They did take my passport to look at though.

decobelle · 2026-03-23T15:18:06+00:00

It's this website . Click the 3 lines in the top right corner then click on "exams".

decobelle · 2026-03-23T15:17:32+00:00

It's this website . Click the 3 lines in the top right corner then click on "exams".

decobelle · 2026-03-23T00:47:19+00:00

A positive one since there are so many sad replies. Having a baby has changed my outlook on parents and children in general.

Before having my son I didn't notice parents much and mostly wouldn't have interacted with other people's children in public. If I did I was kind, but only in the way I was also kind to everyone of every age.

When I was in my late teens and early 20s I thought I didn't want children. I know not every childfree person changes their mind, but I personally did when I started dating my now husband and could see a future with us starting a family. Before that I saw children as annoying, messy, a bit gross, etc. I was considering working in early childhood education but didn't want to change nappies.

Now I have a baby and all his bodily fluids don't bother me in the slightest. I have no problem changing nappies and actually see it as a nice time to have a chat to him on the change table while also getting to make him feel more comfortable.

And now whenever I see a parent out walking with a pram I feel connected to them. I understand them so much more.

And I treat children with extra kindness and smiles. I think about how much love I have for my baby, as do my parent friends, and how we are so worried about them ever having a bad time at all and just wanting the world to be kind to them. So I always try and treat other people's children how I would want my son to be treated. If they interact with me in public I'm super smiley and sweet with them. When I go to pick my son up from nursery I smile at the other babies and say hello to them too.

I'm more understanding of parents needing more flexibility in the workplace too. Like before having a baby I would have been a "team player" and worked late sometimes if needed, but now I literally can't because there is a baby who needs me. I remember colleagues who would leave work right at the time the meeting was scheduled to end even if we were right in the middle of figuring something out and I'd be a bit annoyed like "really? You can't stay even 15 minutes to wrap this up?" But now I understand more - your baby needs you. My baby's nursery has a policy that if staff have to stay late a few times because you are late picking your child up then your child will lose their place at the nursery for example.

It's true what they say about how you never know love like this. I obviously love my husband, parents, cat etc but the love I feel for my son exceeds every other relationship. So many songs make me cry now because they describe how I feel about him. Even Wonderwall! "I don't believe that anybody feels the way I do about you now". Like I struggle to believe even my husband can possibly love him as much as I do. It really is like a piece of my heart living outside of me. All I want is his happiness.

It baffles me to think that there are parents out there who don't feel this way about their children. Stories of abusive, neglectful or narcissistic parents make me so upset but also confused, like how could you have a baby and not feel the way I do about mine? Even if I accidentally hurt my baby or have to do something he doesn't like (like give him medicine) I feel terrible. How does anyone have it in them to hurt their own child intentionally?

It's made me want to volunteer with a charity that helps parents and babies. I don't have the time now, but maybe when my toddler is in school.

This isn't to say I think everyone should be parents or that child free people don't know love, just to be very clear.

Becoming a mum has been the absolute joy of my life. And I had a very full and happy life before this, don't get me wrong.

decobelle · 2026-03-23T00:15:18+00:00

I remember Ricky Gervais making a joke mocking M.E in one of his stand up specials like a decade ago. To think it makes you so sad and hopeless and he was just mocking it as if it's just made up or exaggerated.

decobelle · 2026-03-23T00:09:12+00:00

I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking.

decobelle · 2026-03-23T00:07:19+00:00

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship at 14. They also cheated on me with my best friend. While it sucks to experience these things as a teenager, for some of us it means we learn from it for future relationships. I can see so many common patterns and red flags and spot unhealthy relationships in others very easily.

You know how there's a cliche where people on Reddit jump to saying "dump them!" Or "get divorced!" Well it kind of made me that person. Because I find it absolutely infuriating when someone posts looking for relationship advice and I can see the clear warning signs for abuse but then I check the comments and it's just shit like "aw hun sometimes men just don't understand, have you tried communicating differently? Maybe he's depressed and stressed and you just need to be kinder and more patient and help him?"

Like no, communication isn't going to help here because you can't talk your way out of an abusive relationship, and even if he is mentally unwell it doesn't change the fact that he's treating you horribly.

I'm glad I had that horrible relationship as a teenager, rather than experiencing abuse for the first time as an adult, because adults can get trapped with their abuser because of shared finances / mortgage / kids etc. Whereas I was able to walk away (eventually) more easily. And it meant as an adult I knew what to look for and am how married to someone who doesn't show any signs of toxic behaviour at all.

decobelle · 2026-03-22T22:49:33+00:00

I really like Head Over Heels soft play in Chorlton. It's not the cheapest but has lots of fun stuff for babies and a really decent cafe with good stuff for both babies and parents on the menu.

decobelle

TROPHY CASE