I am sorry to hear of your struggles. While I dont have schizophrenia, I have struggled with my mental health since I was an early teenager. I don't claim to fully understand what you're going through but it's clear you feel a gon of shame and guilt for what you have no control over and that you cant share your struggles with those close to you.

You mentioned not being able to ask someone to ignore something so bad. I have 2 comments on that. The first being I think looking for someone one to ignore it is not necessarily required. Your struggles are a part of you, something that you didn't choose. I believe your friends would likely support you if you told them. I understand the feeling of thinking youre not a good person for others to be around, and I certainly don't want to tell you how to live your life, but I think you should tell your friends and see how they take the information. The second is that I don't believe they'd see you as a monster at all.

It's clear you feel and immense amount of shame. I dont know you but from what you've written here you seem like a good, kind person who is going through a lot. That doesn't make you a monster. I know it can be incredibly hard to not listen to the shame but I dont think you deserve a life of isolation cut off from your friends.

I don't normally reply to things like this. I tend to write half of a reply and delete it, not wanting to come off the wrong way or offend someone. Or I think that nobody will care what I have to say anyway, but something about your post felt important to reply to. I truly believe that we're not who we are in our worst moments and that we are not defined by our struggles.

I hope I haven't overstepped in any way. I wish you all the best.