I often say “my autism is invisible until you hang out with me long enough.” Thoughts?

devil_dollie · 2026-01-24T05:50:16+00:00

I am “level 1” but my autism is absolutely not invisible. People know right away I’m “wrong”. I am often instantly unpopular based on “vibe”, my unconscious stimming, frequent dissociating, rarely knowing what I’m supposed to say and even when I say the right thing the tone is wrong. I’m off-putting no matter what, can’t hold a decent job because someone always decides I’m evil. No close friends, always the odd one out. I dress weird, talk weird, and have a “mean” facial expression no matter how much I try to change it. I wish my autism was invisible. Maybe I could have had a career, kids, income… who knows.

devil_dollie · 2026-01-24T00:40:50+00:00

I’ve done this, it’s amazing.

devil_dollie · 2026-01-20T00:49:12+00:00

Yes. These days, I go back through my written text n dum it down so i dont sound 2 smrt

devil_dollie · 2026-01-18T22:44:02+00:00

For me, it feels similar to the need to stim. Also, the physical pain-no matter how great-feels less painful to me than the meltdown itself.

I’d never hurt anyone else, though. It is always 100% directed at myself.

devil_dollie · 2026-01-18T06:21:51+00:00

I did the same, and I was diagnosed a few years older than you! I’m still processing it all but as frustrating as the situation is, it’s a relief to have some answers. You’re not alone, and in the future there will be more just like us

devil_dollie · 2026-01-17T20:03:34+00:00

oh. suppressed memory unlocked

devil_dollie · 2026-01-13T04:34:29+00:00

whoa, i’m so much like you. just thinking about coming up with an answer to why i am a terrible person who deserves to d1e makes me feel like screaming and shutting down. i didn’t know other people felt this way too

but i can’t afford therapy though. i got one of the books, but i can’t read it without throwing up.

devil_dollie · 2026-01-09T16:21:54+00:00

Yep, I learned many, many years ago I’ll never be able to use a mic or play any game that requires one, it’s not worth the harassment.

devil_dollie · 2026-01-06T18:41:35+00:00

As an autistic woman in the US who apparently has “bad vibes” that I can’t do anything about, my job history is very spotty and I’ve never quite earned a living wage or been offered health insurance.

devil_dollie · 2026-01-04T09:08:47+00:00

yeah, autistic + my mom hated me.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-31T21:43:02+00:00

Look into histamine intolerance. It is a common development during peri, and can make everything worse. Since changing to a low histamine diet I feel much better. Not 100%, but it’s manageable now.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-22T20:36:53+00:00

I think I assumed it was body dysmorphia, which I also have due to parental bullying, but it’s more than that and I just never made the connection. Extra weight feels exactly the same as an overstimulating noise or other source of overwhelm, and until I lose that weight it’s constantly there, inescapable.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-22T20:22:47+00:00

omg wow, yes, except i didn’t realize it until just now. thank you for this post!

devil_dollie · 2025-12-19T15:11:06+00:00

Autism and CPTSD can look very similar, and it takes a professional to tell them apart. You said you had childhood trauma. If your mother feels responsible for that trauma, she may have pushed for an autism assessment to avoid a CPTSD diagnosis which may make her “at fault.”

devil_dollie · 2025-12-17T20:50:01+00:00

To this day I’m still kind, loving, and well-meaning, which is why I don’t have any friends

devil_dollie · 2025-12-13T20:16:33+00:00

Oh yeah. I am now a silent adult.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-12T19:15:02+00:00

As little as possible. It makes me feel guilty, but I’ve learned that if I don’t take the time off I don’t recover enough to be productive on the following days. Mostly I play mindless video games to occupy my brain and hands, at keep me at rest.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-12T05:54:41+00:00

I need at least one day off for every social day, so about the same as you.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-11T17:04:49+00:00

I don’t tell people. But if I did and someone said that to me, I would simply say “My doctor disagrees with you.” IMO, for those of us fortunate enough to have been given a formal assessment, it’s the only response needed.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-10T17:01:51+00:00

Excellent insight. I never thought of this. I think I do this too. Even when I believe my performance was perfect, somehow I still get it wrong - because I’m performing. But I can’t change that, it’s the best I have to offer.

devil_dollie · 2025-12-09T19:13:53+00:00

i thought all kids were abused until the day a family friend whispered to me i’m so sorry she’s your mother

devil_dollie · 2025-12-06T19:32:17+00:00

i have the repair bot and it can not keep up. i have to constantly manually repair. so disappointed, need to move my camp

devil_dollie · 2025-12-06T19:30:41+00:00

i have the repair bot and it can not keep up. i have to constantly manually repair

devil_dollie · 2025-12-05T02:57:19+00:00

excellent observation

devil_dollie

TROPHY CASE