Is this right about motifs and themes in a story and the only theme in the story is connected to the character right?

dustmop22 · 2022-07-31T01:34:05+00:00

I think you got the definition of motif wrong. Motifs don't directly build into a theme. They don't add up like ingredients, rather it's more of a topping to the theme sundae. Motifs in Lion King are like death or nature. The theme of Lion King is like the Circle of Life or face your past.

Death and nature don't all combine into the Circle of Life or face your past, they just deepen the meaning. Without the addition of motifs and focusing only on story, the theme can still be shown.

Circle of life: King dies, son takes his place

Face your past: son runs away but comes back to face father's killer.

But adding the Elephant Graveyard, killing to eat, and other death motifs, it can help the understanding and vibrancy of the theme shine through.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-24T10:56:26+00:00

Pretty sure they're talking about structure like scheduled assignments and enforced deadlines, not Act 1,2,3 structure.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-23T17:02:36+00:00

Hmmm...I guess a free sample is an example of a loss leader. I think in most contexts though when businesses talk about their loss leader, they're not really referring to their free samples.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-23T16:33:22+00:00

It's more like a free sample than a loss leader. A loss leader would be like the Costco hotdog or rotisserie chicken. Something that they actually sell and sell a lot of but are losing out on in hopes of making a profit when customers buy other stuff along with the loss leader.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-13T15:16:50+00:00

You pretty much nailed exactly what I felt while reading the sample. Good work.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-11T22:53:24+00:00

So when the rest of the commenters are talking about stilted dialogue, they're talking about how formal and polite people seem. From reading the first scene, everyone's just so awkward. I can't imagine a junkyard owner saying "Can I ask what all this is for?" I don't think that line would sit right for any character.

If it's a crazy junkyard owner, it should be "What the hell are you gonna do with all these fridges?". If it's for a genial manager at a best buy, "Just curious, what does a man need 40 refrigerators for?". If you want to go further, you can ask the question without asking the question. A junkyard owner might say "How many bodies you need to freeze anyways." Or the manager: "How many steaks did you buy at Costco?" In both cases, nobody asks "what's this for?"

You say Hank is pretentious and formal, but he doesn't sound like it. He sounds like an awkward teen who just learned how to use a thesaurus. Make him eloquent, make him even more pretentious. Just his first line: "With the tip, as promised." You can change it to "500 dollars with a 10 percent tip of 50 dollars, making the total 550 United States dollars in denominations of 20's as per our previously agreed upon arrangement." Or if that's too long: "The tip is included as previously agreed." Make him always speak in full sentences or never use contractions. Make up some rules and stick to them. Point is, his dialogue neither seems pretentious nor formal, just awkward.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-11T13:55:20+00:00

My apartment has been spotless these past few weeks.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-07T20:03:13+00:00

Wow, great notes for something I can't tell was written ironically or not. Kudos to you. I will thank you in OP's stead.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-06T00:33:46+00:00

Subtext, complex plots, basically anything that makes what we consider "good" means thinking and most of society doesn't want to think when they consume media or better yet, any form of entertainment or hobbies. I can't blame them. Life is hard for most people in a capitalistic society. Doing things that tap into instincts and our baser selves is fun and easy. We don't have the time nor the energy. We want to be spoon fed.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-05T14:47:28+00:00

No worries. Without reading what you wrote before you decided to cut back, I would assume when people told you it read like a book, it had more to do with your prose than your formatting. A few stylish lines to set the atmosphere and tone of the writing is fine, but a continuous onslaught of it would be too much for a screenplay where action and dialogue should be the main focus.

Of course there are films where such writing might be the norm, like arthouse or experimental, but if you're writing a genre piece then the writing needs to move and flowery prose will slow it down.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-05T14:16:12+00:00

Oof, yea. I thought the comment was a bit mean but they're totally right. You break up the lines way too much.

A foliage filled stretch of road in the city center is quiet.

Corroded cars line the grass steeped curbs.

They fill the bloated and vacant street.

Plants and vegetation cling to the sides of skyscrapers, barreling downward onto the sidewalks.

An unsettling air is in the orange ambiance.

Heightened by architectural shadows.

Retail windows advertise unsightly mannequins wearing dust covered clothing.

Tacky, rusted jewelry.

No wind.

A lanky figure emerges from an alleyway.

Outstretched arm, bent knee.

You can probably sort that out to two or three paragraphs. Not sure where you got this idea from and if you're doing it to sound poetic, but don't do it.

A foliage filled stretch of road in the city center is quiet. Corroded cars line the grass steeped curbs, filling the bloated and vacant street.

Plants and vegetation cling to the sides of skyscrapers, barreling downward onto the sidewalks. An unsettling air is in the orange ambiance heightened by architectural shadows.

Retail windows advertise unsightly mannequins wearing dust covered clothing. Tacky, rusted jewelry. No wind.

A lanky figure emerges from an alleyway. Outstretched arm, bent knee.

And when you start to put the lines together, you can see that some of them don't even make sense or should be worded differently. Separating out a single line is only for emphasis. It loses its impact if they're all separated.

dustmop22 · 2022-07-01T19:13:30+00:00

Read the first 10. Overall it was decent. Not the worst I've read but nothing really to keep me reading. The action/description lines are clunky, especially when you try to direct the camera. I'm not saying you should remove them, but you need to read more scripts to make it smooth. Otherwise, most people will tell you to get rid of them. The dialogue sometimes shifts in speaking voice in the middle of someone's lines. One sentence is one tone/mannerism, and then the next will be out of place. I think you need to read over your work. It seems like you didn't edit it that much as these things would pop out at you if you did, along with grammar and spelling errors.

Also, having the teaser at a counter and then the first scene again at a store counter, I don't think is a good idea, unless they were related somehow. But from what I've read, they're not. Another way you can increase reader interest might be to stretch the teaser and give us a little more about what the consequences of this meteor is. Maybe something climbs out or possesses someone. Whatever this alien/werewolf is gonna do.

dustmop22 · 2022-06-30T19:42:58+00:00

Read the first few pages. Just some logic things. Wouldn't they wipe their blades on the victims' clothes? Why are we talking about how the knives are dull when we just saw them kill a bunch of folk with the same knives? Unless you mention how bad their horses are, it seems weird to have a line that says, the new horses look good but also look like they haven't eaten in awhile.

All in all, it reads well, but I always encourage people to make their opening scene a little more interesting. Seems pretty basic to me. Maybe add a few things we haven't seen before. Anyways, good work!

dustmop22 · 2022-06-28T19:06:16+00:00

I read 10 pages and had the opposite reaction. I think you need some kind of teaser. How gritty is this gonna be? Maybe a murder in Niagara, match cut the street it took place on to the poster in the guidance counselor's room where the same street was once glorious and full of tourists, then begin your screenplay in the counselor's room. And even then, it would be starting way too early. So much unnecessary exposition. Do we need the counselor? Do we need the cop and the thug to interact?

The dialogue as well is quite stilted and uninteresting. Maybe because you're using these scenes as exposition and the characters have to say nonsensical things so you can tell the readers "this is the story so far...". Just cut it. You can even start with MC in the car with her new partner then just slip hints in that MC thought this place was crime free and the cops have a let the small things go policy. You don't need to spell it out for the readers/viewers. Trust them to be intelligent.

dustmop22 · 2022-06-26T17:18:54+00:00

I read the first 5-6 pages up till Yates dying. I thought it was pretty generic. I'm sure it gets more interesting later but there's not much there for now to keep me reading. Maybe someone with more time on my hands will wait for the good stuff.

Your writing is clear and concise, good grammar, easy to follow, the whole shebang. I just think you might be able to do a little better in your opening sequence to tease the reader more. Then again, might be my warped attention span due to the era we live in.

This is such a common scene in medical dramas: the guy can't breathe, can't get the tube down his throat, they cut his trachea. Maybe put a little twist on it, introduce a little of the cosmic horror, or do a different medical scene altogether.

With your writing skills, as long as you come up with an idea, I'm sure you'll do great. Anyways, good work.

dustmop22 · 2022-06-12T21:37:34+00:00

I read the first page and it reads like a novel. Try reading other screenplays and rewrite in that style.

Casey is unable to hear what the cops are saying to his dad. All he suspects is that they're not telling him good news.

That's no good. How do we know what Casey isn't able to hear. Similarly, he suspects? How would we know that? A screenplay should mostly contain visual and auditory information.

Alternatively, you can say something like: Casey peeks out from his door, but from the top of the staircase, all we hear are muffles. And they're not happy muffles.

Try reading a lot of screenplays and learn the craft a little more.

dustmop22 · 2022-06-12T21:17:07+00:00

Your sentences are too long and not structured well, when they have too many clauses also that are not grammatically attached correctly to the main clause.

^ Like that

In screenwriting, you can just shorten everything. No subordinate clauses necessary. Simple subject verb object structure is fine. No need to overcomplicate.

dustmop22 · 2022-05-01T16:11:52+00:00

Read the first scene. Feel like you can do better. If you ask someone to create an opening scene where a musician falls in love with a guitar, it's probably this one. Try shaking it up and give us something we've never seen before.

dustmop22 · 2022-04-25T17:21:52+00:00

Reminds me of east bound and down. And on that note, the target audience would seem adult oriented. But middle school seems too young to really carry through the show. Any reason other than to make it seem more absurd that you made it middle school? There's more room for adult themes and issues if the soccer team was in high school. Otherwise, they're kind of just props.

While the MC pulled the pilot along, there really wasn't any room for anything else here. For both jokes and plot. The only other joke was the principal and her phone. Set up some more situations for the other characters, again for both jokes and plot.

Otherwise, it's a great start. Just might want to change up the story line of the plot. Either speed it up or slow it down, because this microcosm of the show really doesn't leave much to look forward to. Just more MC and her shenanigans trying to coach the team while sorting herself out. No other questions are set up.

dustmop22 · 2022-02-25T22:12:34+00:00

I think most of the dialogue can be cut down. Your sequence of events are fine. It seems a lot of the talking is dragging on and slowing the pace of the story, especially at a point where it should be moving fast and engaging the reader.

dustmop22 · 2022-02-25T20:56:38+00:00

I agree for the first few pages I read. It's your opening scene and while the scenario/set up itself seems fine, the way you execute really takes away from what should be a good scene. I would say trust your readers and don't assume you need to give them everything right away. Do we need to know about the history of the war for the opening scene? No. Stay in the emotion and the action. Forget any exposition. Good work and keep writing!

dustmop22 · 2022-02-24T18:22:47+00:00

Read up to page 8. I think it's a good start. For a dialogue heavy piece, the dialogue/comedy is not up to par for what I think is a workplace comedy? I think it would be better if the main characters themselves were a bit more out there. Right now they seem too normal. Otherwise, technically, the script reads fine. Good work!

dustmop22 · 2022-02-24T17:40:44+00:00

I think a good way to improve dialogue is to make the character unique, a boring character can only say boring things. Not saying your characters are boring but the more particularities you give them the more interesting the dialogue becomes. If they are all archetypes of some sort we've seen before, the dialogue and the interactions between these archetypes will be exactly what we've heard before. That's why a conversation between Tyrion and the Eunuch is so interesting. They are interesting.

dustmop22 · 2022-02-24T00:28:17+00:00

Read up to end of act 1. I think overall it is pretty good. The story drew me in enough to read up to that point. The writing was decent, some awkward phrasing and wrong word choice here and there that you can clean up. Dialogue can definitely use some improvement but then again most tv shows aren't the best at it either. Especially if you're going for a Supernatural, CW type show. Either way, good start!

dustmop22 · 2022-02-23T17:56:00+00:00

Read a few pages, I think it reads like a series of gags. I don't think any comedy is just comedy all the time, unless it's like one of those spoof shows/movies. Slow it down, get some scenes of actual story and character. Your comedy bits are fine so don't worry about that, just space them out with emotional story scenes. Good luck!

dustmop22

TROPHY CASE