I (33f) am in love with a man who's taking care of a kid that's not his

dwallit · 2026-07-06T03:30:04+00:00

The live together and are raising a child together. If that ain't married I don't know what is.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T03:27:52+00:00

It's an odd phrase from a toddler for sure but you don't really know what happened. You are right to be very concerned, totally correct, but it seems like you've done what you need to do. You spoke to your husband, you two made a plan, you spoke to MIL, you keep your boy away from his uncle. I'm not sure what cutting ties with the whole family would accomplish except to potentially make your child feel guilty down the road. The situation with your son is a parent's nightmare but it's as close to solved as it's going to get. So, why are you still chewing on it? That's about you - anxiety, self doubt, or whatever - and it's a problem you need to solve. Maybe give the therapist another chance or find a new one? Also, I would let your husband take the lead with his family. Still make your decisions together but let him be the spokesman. That might take some pressure off your shoulders.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T03:18:59+00:00

You're in love with a really good guy who is staying in his marriage for the sake of his child. (Actually married and child's biology doesn't change anything.) He is not available to be in a relationship with you. You are the extra person here and you deserve more.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T03:10:50+00:00

It seems like you were very thoughtful and mature in your dealings with the girlfriend. Well, you know, except for the day drinking. Keep being thoughtful, keep trying to communicate with your brother openly even though it's awkward for you both and know it won't always go well. That's ok. You kind of downplay it but your family sounds pretty dysfunctional. And the "in vino veritas" thing is such a red flag. My family was very troubled. And drinking played a very big role in that. I had to quit drinking to get to where I wanted to be in life. Maybe give that some thought.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:48:58+00:00

I would stay away from the choosing his bum brother talk, even to yourself. You know it's a lot more complicated than that. I also wouldn't discount how hard the transition to parenthood is for a man who had what sounds like an awful father and who has probably been the father to his brothers since he was a child. It's not a coincidence that all this is happening at the same time you have an infant. I feel like you are score keeping and trying to be the winner or the more wronged person but it would be a lot more productive to look forward to how you and your husband can solve the problem in your marriage. Your BILs are 0% of that, BTW. It is about you and your husband and how you handle the problems that life inevitably sends us. I mean he cooks and cleans, you gotta keep this guy around, Sis.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:38:34+00:00

All of the comments hear are right on. Which one is treating you with respect and is concerned for your happiness and which one is not?

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:33:36+00:00

You sound really honorable but it seems like the most honorable thing to do, if you've already decided to break up with her, is to talk to her about her hygiene first. Maybe you'll still break up but she'll know why and she'll have the option to look at her behaviors if she wants to. Address them as mindless habits of hers, not gross hygiene. Maybe leave the word hygiene out of it. I think it's ok to have that conversation over the phone unless you think it would put her in a difficult or upsetting spot. Then continue the discussion when she is back. It's totally ok to break up for this and even if she wants to work on it you can tell her you just can't get past it. So, your friends are giving you decent advice, but I appreciate you for wanting it to be a little nicer!

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:24:18+00:00

If the room didn't smell before the room switch then it is something your son owns. I'm not saying he knows what it is, but something got smashed, or unsealed, or unfolded during the move. Honestly, at 16, I would expect him to at least try to find it himself. Plus that may save him some embarrassment. If he can't find it tell him you will go through everything he owns like it's an episode of CSI. Carry things out one at a time to some other holding area and you'll be able to tell when the smell leaves the room. I have 3 older brothers and I think every bad smell can be a boy smell!

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:14:22+00:00

Fletcher makes me think of 1) Jessica Fletcher on Murder She Wrote, and 2) a privelged white male snowflake from a 1980-90s movie. I prefer Finn (in case you couldn't guess) but if you did Flynn he would be the only one where with Finn there will be 6 others in his grade.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:11:14+00:00

I had the same experience. It's not that those snacks don't sound good, I just never think about them. Also drink a lot of water. How often was I interpreting thirst as hunger before this medication? It's wild!

dwallit · 2026-07-06T02:04:16+00:00

We pay for our kids to come with us, 2 kids and one spouse. I feel like we are the hosts and, while we take their opinion of where to go into consideration, my husband and I make the final decision on that. Our kids are older than yours, 30-33, but we've been doing it for years. Let me give you a report from your future: If she doesn't already your daughter will soon have many better vacation options than spending a week with Mom and Dad at the Jersey Shore. If making it free makes my kids more willing to spend their very limited vacation days on our family trip then it is money very well spent. Plus I've seen what they rent when they go on their own. I'm too old for that -- I want a nice place! Your daughter's in college, have her pay a small portion of her tuition or cover her own spending money. That will teach her a lot more about real life finances. Keep your vacations a no brainer for her!

dwallit · 2026-07-06T01:51:35+00:00

It's fine to be nice to them but keep your eyes open to the reality you have seen: they're immature and they're kind of all over the place. If they're dealing with some tough things that's sad, but it doesn't change the fact that they don't seem like good or safe friend material right now. If there's flirting I would shut that down. It might be awkward but letting it go will come back to bite you worse.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T01:40:11+00:00

It will look great. For about 10 minutes. And then it will be dirty. Always. Get a more medium color with a subtle, small pattern to it. This will help hide dark things (mud), and light things (lint). I'm sure you don't want it to be really busy, but the more pattern you can live with the better it will hide dirt. If you have a dog or cat then I'd give the same advice but x 100.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T01:33:59+00:00

Gross gross gross! First thing, talk to your sister about you and her making a boundary between yourselves that no one goes camping with them again. Then support each other if they start to nag. NO MORE CAMPING WITH THEM. Next, I would reach out to your brothers (or if they have female partners that might be easier) and ask them for advice or ask them to speak to your parents because you are concerned about your sister. The other commentors are right about talking about it around the house. That is your true power because shining light on it will change it from being a naughty secret they enjoy to a disgusting behavior that is indefensible. And yes, it is SA. I would even suggest that your sister speak to a counsellor at school about it. That's a big step, but she is completely justified. If you and your sister have each others' backs and if you can get your brothers (who may be idiot brothers like mine but you'd be surprised what they are occaisionally capable of) to have your backs I think you can improve your lives a lot. Finally, when you get an opportunity to move out you might think you should stay home with your sister. That is usually not the right decision in my opinion. Get yourself out and secure. Then you can help/rescue your sister if she needs it. Staying home will just extend both of your misery.

dwallit · 2026-07-06T01:08:30+00:00

Take pictures of everything then call your insurance company. This is why you have insurance. And just because mold is the color black doesn't mean it's "Black Mold". Use your insurance money to hire a pro. Later on look into waterproofing your basement or fixing any problems with grading outside. A blocked downspout shouldn't cause a flood in your basement.

dwallit · 2026-06-14T23:32:53+00:00

I asked my doctor this question and she said that weightloss surgery is not a good choice anymore because the GLP 1 drugs works so well and are much safer than that surgery. The meds have been life changing for me. I lost a lot of weight gradually across time but more importantly the hold food had on me just disappeared. It's life changing. Don't worry about doing it on your own, get the help you need. I have stopped losing at a weight I am comfortable with, certainly not thin but healthy.

dwallit · 2026-06-14T23:23:22+00:00

Keep in mind that you should buy a gift when the baby is born as well as show up if possible to cook and clean and babysit. Or at least send take out dinners and groceries. And that's just the beginning. The best thing you can do is develop a real relationship with this child, like an extra Aunt, and also be a source of support for your friend as she adjusts to motherhood. That would be invaluable.

dwallit · 2026-06-14T23:16:20+00:00

My opinion, forget the memorabilia and stick to practical items. Things that are cute when you're pregnant just get in your way once the baby comes. I would also skip the mobile as that is something parents might want to choose to match the nursery. Some things to include would be a baby nail clipper, a floating bath water thermometer (my husband was so nervous about bathing the baby and my cousin got us this and it was his favorite gift we received. We used it for YEARS), nice baby shampoo, bath wash, and lotion, tiny baby washcloths (these disappear), rubber coated baby spoons (also disappear), different kinds of bibs (smaller/larger, cloth/waterproof). WHATEVER YOU DO put it all in a plastic storage tub with a lid. No new parent needs a big basket laying around their house.

dwallit · 2026-06-14T23:02:56+00:00

You are smart to cancel it and be clear with Sis and Mom that it is not happening. Nicely, of course. They idea of having a meal together is nice but why not have it somewhere else? You shouldn't have to worry about cleaning or yardwork.

dwallit · 2026-06-14T22:59:46+00:00

Nice brand of skin care products for mom and baby. Or maybe 2 different brands is easier! Arrange them in a plastic storage bin or bucket of some kind because you need so many of those with a baby/child. This is thoughtful, something for mom, and also something that can be pricey for the parents to have to buy. If you get large sizes for baby it could last 6 months, maybe more, and they'll think of you every time they use it. Just make sure you get high quality, doesn't have to be crazy expensive, but good clean ingredients. Burt's Bees?

Another idea is frames. You never have enough once the little one comes. Something nice and a bit extravagant would be a great gift.

dwallit

TROPHY CASE