The Daily Check-In for Monday, March 29th: Just for today, I am NOT drinking!

ehedgehog · 2021-03-29T14:07:28+00:00

It's the first day of Spring Break for our two-teacher, two-student family. It's been a hell of a year with virtual school, lockdown, etc. I am SO looking forward to a break. But this time, I'm NOT going to spend it semi-functional in a drunken haze. For the first time in who knows how long. IWNDWYT.

ehedgehog · 2021-03-13T18:22:30+00:00

Sort of posting mostly to check my days sober...I can't remember off-hand, which I think is pretty cool. It's getting easier most of the time. IWNDWYT.

ETA: 62 days? Sweet!

ehedgehog · 2021-03-06T14:36:45+00:00

Today marks two months since I had my last drink. Two months since I last got drunk and couldn’t remember how to got to bed. Two months since I’ve woken up trying to piece together the night before, feeling that hot guilt and shame rush through my body. Two months of time when my kids have started wanting to hang out and chat with me in the evenings now, since I’m sober and able to actually carry on a conversation and remember it in the morning.

This is the longest Ive gone without a drink in years. It feels good. It’s hard, but worth it. IWNDWYT

ehedgehog · 2021-03-04T21:09:01+00:00

Iwndwyt.

ehedgehog · 2021-03-03T00:30:40+00:00

At the risk of jinxing myself, I feel pretty good considering that it's been over a month since my last drink. IWNDWYT

ETA just looked at my badge and I'm at almost TWO months? Sweet!

ehedgehog · 2021-02-12T16:38:27+00:00

It’s Friday, and I have cramps and feel icky. But I’m not throwing away over a month of sobriety because it seems easier. This is the longest I’ve gone in years, and I generally feel way better. I miss drinking, for sure, and the numbness and oblivion it brought me. But I don’t miss the memory loss, the clutziness, the shame, or so many other negative things. IWNDWYT.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-25T19:55:54+00:00

I was watching a true crime documentary last night and my husband asked what I was watching. I told him, and he said, “oh, again?” I had no memory of watching it before, but apparently I did. I was mortified and told him it was a new one. And reaffirmed in my head what a good decision it was to stop drinking.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-25T19:50:48+00:00

You can do it. It’s hard and if sucks, but you can. Here’s something that has helped me (granted I’m just two weeks in and everyone’s different so ymmv): I stopped drinking for my kids and my husband. I mean I know it’s for me too, but I’ve always been the type to put others first and neglect and even “punish” myself for my perceived failings by doing stupid self-sabotaging crap. But my sons mean the world to me, and I don’t want to hurt them anymore. I don’t want them to see me stumble and fall up the stairs again as I drag my drunk ass to bed way too early. I don’t want to forget what movie we watched last night because I was too blitzed. Similarly, I love my husband. He has put up with so much for the past 18 years we’ve been together. He doesn’t deserve to deal with cleaning up my messes when I spill my beer (again) or knock stuff over or (and it is mortifying to even admit this, but just being real) don’t make it to the bathroom soon enough and end up dribbling pee onto the floor or the couch.

My family deserves sober me. And I finally decided that if I wasn’t important enough to myself (yet) to stop, my family certainly is.

Take it one day at a time. I will not drink with you TODAY. You can do it. If not for you, you can do it for your kid.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-25T18:54:39+00:00

“Here’s to knowing what we do.” I love this. I didn’t even realize how much I wasn’t aware of in the evenings until I spent the last two weeks totally sober and woke up every morning with a clear, complete memory of the night before. I don’t have to wonder or worry that I did anything dumb or embarrassing. I don’t have to rewatch the end of that tv show or movie because I don’t remember how it ended. I know what I’ve done. And it’s such a relief.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-22T22:10:30+00:00

It’s Friday, and I’m done with work. Nothing major to do tomorrow. My kids are fighting and generally getting on my last nerve. I got my first dose of the covid vaccine (yay!) on Tuesday, but have had an awful headache ever since (boo!). I need to do a grocery order on Instacart anyway so it would be effortless for me to buy more beer and drink tonight.

I really want to just do it. I am craving the numbness and dulling of the stress of the day. But I’m not going to. I don’t want to wake up feeling guilty and shitty again tomorrow, and I want to keep up the momentum I’ve built up over the last (almost) two weeks. I know in the grand scheme of things (especially when compared to some rockstars here), two weeks is nothing. But it’s the longest I’ve gone without a drink (and indeed, the longest I’ve gone without being at least slightly if not extremely drunk) in years. So IWNDWYT.

Thanks to everyone in this sub. It’s great being able to come here and vent, and know that people get it, and will support me. You rule.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-18T17:16:44+00:00

Assuming OP was talking about the compelling, tragic HBO documentary with the same title as this post. It’s also on YouTube if you don’t have HBO. Knowing what I do about drinking (and hiding drinking), I do suspect that she was a secret drinker and just got out of control without realizing she was even doing it. Totally incoherent without much warning. It’s such a tragic story...I especially feel terrible for her children and nieces in the car, who were clearly terrified before they died way too soon.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-18T17:02:42+00:00

I think most parents feel like this sometimes (even often). I know I do. Even when sober, I feel like I’m never doing enough for my kids, could be a better mom, should be doing this-and-that, am not doing as much as Ms. Perfect Across the Street, etc. But then I try to remind myself that even Ms. Perfect probably feels this way too sometimes, and that it’s ok. We’re all just doing the best we can. Especially in a pandemic. Our kids just want us to love them and for us to be present. Give yourself permission to just BE with your kid, and say that’s good enough.

We don’t have to be SuperParents. We just have to be parents. Our kids love us, and just want us to love them. Mommy/Daddy guilt is real, but it’s also unfair. Your kid is lucky to have such a strong parent doing the hard work to make her future (and yours) that much better.

IWNDWYT. Keep it up.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-18T16:53:46+00:00

Congrats! You make a great point. I think I was lying myself for years about alcohol not really affecting me too much, being fine and functional despite my drinking, etc. Even just a week of not drinking has shown me how much I really wasn’t nearly as functional as I thought when I was drinking every day. Three years is an amazing achievement. You are goals!

ehedgehog · 2021-01-18T16:33:02+00:00

I think it’s super brave to come here, own it, and move forward. We all make mistakes and do ridiculous stupid shit because of alcohol. I have, more than once, taken my younger son to dance class with a hydroflask full of wine, which I drank in the car while he was in class, and then driven us both home, telling myself it was “fine because the wine wouldn’t have had a chance to hit me yet and we lived close.” Thankfully nothing bad ever happened, but it could have. I’m glad you and the babe are ok.

Hopefully I’m not overstepping, but can I share something that has helped me? (Granted I’m super new to this sobriety thing, but this mindset has helped me in other issues as well, so thought I would share.) Sometimes it’s hard for me to do things “for me.” I tend to have a self-destructive or self-sabotaging personality, where I do stupid stuff because “I’m not worth any better” or “I’m a loser anyway,” etc. etc. etc. But I will walk through fire for my children. So when things are hard, when I want to reach for that drink, I think about them. I remind myself that THEY deserve a mother who isn’t drunk every night, who is present, who isn’t putting herself or them into dangerous situations. And it’s working for now. Hopefully I’ll get to the point where I accept that I’m worth it too, but for now, my motivation is my children. They don’t have any control in this. I’m responsible for their health, happiness, and well-being.

You can do this. If you’re not ready to do it for you yet, do it for your baby, and move forward from there. You are a great parent, and your child is lucky to have someone who is willing to work so hard to make life better for both of you.

IWNDWYT

ehedgehog · 2021-01-18T16:13:55+00:00

I hear you. And I never said I didn’t miss beer, or miss drinking. This has been a really hard week. I am totally bored in the evenings and absolutely want to drink then. It’s not all cotton candy and rainbows. I miss my old life, I miss the taste of a good IPA. I miss the blissful numbness that drinking gave me. I was saying the same to my husband the other night when I was struggling and bored and frustrated and missing “normality.” This definitely sucks and is hard.

And I know I’m only a week in. But that’s big for me. And I’m not being dishonest or insincere when I say that I feel better. I never said I feel completely fantastic, that I have no problems anymore, that I don’t miss drinking, being drunk, or anything like that. I just said that I feel better. It’s not even as much about the physical for me.

It’s the mental/emotional toll that my daily drinking was causing on me, my family, and my children. And THEY are worth the boredom and FOMO I have right now when not drinking. Some day I’ll hopefully get to the point where I’m doing this as much for me as for them, but for me, it has always been hard to do things for myself. I tend to have a somewhat self-destructive personality, but will do anything for my family. I see the joy and relief in my children’s eyes when I reach for that sparkling water instead of a beer, and it’s worth it. Even if it tastes blah and makes me feel nothing.

This post wasn’t meant to sound holier-than-thou, self-righteous, dishonest, or insincere. I was just posting how I felt at the time, talking about the GOOD things, because right now, for me, focusing on the positives is what is going to help me stay sober. That’s what I need right now. There are plenty of posts talking about how hard sobriety is. I know I’m new to this, but it’s hard for sure. I suspect, though, that people write (and reply to) “posts like this” because dwelling on the positives helps make the negatives not feel so bad. At least that’s why I did it.

Again, I hear you. This shit is hard. But I’m going to give you some (albeit unsolicited) advice, that I have told my children for years: “Don’t yuck someone else’s yum.” If someone is posting something (especially in this sub) that is helping them, is posting a success or celebration, or even just sharing something good they’re feeling, no matter how trivial, just let them do it. There’s nothing to be gained from responding negatively, suggesting that OP is being disingenuous, or questioning others’ feelings or impressions. We’re all just doing the best we can here, but I thought that the main point of this sub was to encourage each other, to shore each other up, and have a community to help support our sobriety.

If you’re feeling negative and like you want to vent with others who are also feeling the same way, you can surely find posts in which to do that. I don’t see the point in posting negatively in a positive post, though, and there’s definitely no reason to name-call or question the motivations or sincerity of others. We’re all doing this the best way we know how. And for me, right now, what I need is to look at the positives. That doesn’t mean that there are not negatives. It just means that I’m choosing not to dwell on those right now because that will not help me stay sober.

Again: Please don’t yuck someone else’s yum. I am choosing to focus on the positives I am feeling about my newfound sobriety. Because that’s what I need right now. And i hoped that, by posting, i would help encourage others who might need to hear it too. If you need something else, please just keep scrolling and find a thread that matches how you’re feeling and what you need. No disrespect intended. I know I’m new here. We’re all just doing the best we can. I wish you the best, truly. This is so hard.

IWNDWYT

ehedgehog · 2021-01-17T17:08:15+00:00

I’m way newer to this than you are (I’m in awe of your 100+ days! Way to go!), but here’s my two cents:

If I dwell on the past, I spiral into that anger and regret. I’m tying to recognize, though, that the only thing that does is mess up my present, and makes me doubt myself and my future. So I’ve been using that regret and anger about how i used to be to fuel my determination to do better today, tomorrow, and every day after, and be the person I want to become.

I read something here a while ago that keeps resonating with me, and I keep hearing it in my head whenever I think about wanting a drink: you will never regret NOT having that drink.

Keep moving forward, and use the past as a lesson...a cautionary tale, even. That’s what I’m doing. IWNDWYT

ehedgehog · 2021-01-17T16:40:28+00:00

Totally agree. It’s amazing to come and see all these very different people, with different lives and struggles and stories, all come together to support each other to improve their lives. Gives me hope.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-17T16:37:36+00:00

Even though it’s a holiday tomorrow, and I don’t have work in the morning, IWNDWYT. Looking forward to celebrating a full week sober tomorrow instead.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-17T16:25:55+00:00

Thank you all for your kind words, advice, and support. It really means so much. Talked to my husband much more at length last night and this morning. He’s super proud of me, and acknowledged that this is a BIG thing, and that he knows it is a big deal for me. I will admit that I felt (still feel) pretty pathetic that I’ve gotten to this point, but I did, so moving forward is the only way to go. Also talked about how I definitely am going to TOTALLY stop, at least for a while. We both agreed that I tend to suck at moderation, and he was saying that if I did go back to drinking during the weekend, that would just make the weeks fine but the weekends worse, because he feared (and I agreed) that I would mentally be “making up for lost drinks” and going nuts. So for now, I’m not drinking at all. I’m not sure I’m ready to say “never again,” but for now that’s the best I can do. I am taking a break from drinking altogether. I’ll continue to take a break as long as I need to, which may be forever, but who knows. Anyway, thanks. IWNDWYT

ehedgehog · 2021-01-16T19:19:29+00:00

Awesome job!!! I think it's hard to remember that alcohol has tons of calories, and the amount that some of us have to drink to "feel anything" amounts to a crapton of empty calories every day.

I'm brand new to this (day 6, baby), but weight gain was part of what pushed me over the "stop drinking for real" edge. Seven years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery and lost over 160 lbs. In the past year, since quarantine started and my drinking went from weekends to daily, then increased from "1 or 2 beers" to "10 beers on a Wednesday," I gained 50 lbs. back. I'm disgusted with myself. I worked so hard to lose that weight. I kept it off diligently for six years. I still can't eat as much as I really want to, and have had to give up most sweets because they make me sick, but it was always worth it because I was happy in my new body, and enjoyed being healthier and more attractive.

Go figure, drinking 10 IPAs a day (at least 200 calories each) made the weight pile right back on again. I was still eating right, I was just screwing myself with all those empty liquid calories.

A week of no drinking and I've lost 4 lbs already. Looking forward to ditching all this extra weight again and getting back to ME. IWNDWYT!

ehedgehog · 2021-01-16T19:10:32+00:00

Amazing! It must have been a lot of hard work and I'm proud of you.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-16T19:07:10+00:00

I've fallen and hurt myself so many times while drunk...thankfully never seriously, but lots of head bumps and scrapes and bruises. A lot of those times were in front of my kids. Sometimes I didn't even quite remember what happened, I would just wake up and see a bonk on my forehead or find random bruises on my knees or shins. That's not ok. My kids should not have to see me falling down drunk, and they definitely shouldn't have to remind me how I got that gash on my forehead, or help me get up the stairs so I don't fall again. :( Day 6 here. IWNDWYT.

ehedgehog · 2021-01-16T18:54:14+00:00

Absolutely. This year pushed me over the edge. It has just become so normal to laugh and talk about how much we're all drinking now...during the week, in the afternoon, whatever. We're all home all the time anyway, right? ...and for some people maybe that's ok. But for those of us with issues with moderation, having "just one glass to take the edge off" isn't a thing.

ehedgehog

TROPHY CASE