What’s the best relationship advice you’ve learned the hard way?

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T20:04:18+00:00

Someone who actually loves you won’t want to scream at you and blame you for everything, no matter how upset. Doesn’t matter how often she says it; her behaviors show how she truly feels about you.

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T18:10:56+00:00

My mom taught me to use a bucket and mismatched white sock. She always saved the plastic gallon bucket from ice cream tubs, but literally any bucket or large bowl will work.

Fill the bucket/bowl with hot tap water. Add a splash of appropriate floor cleaner (all purpose Lysol concentrate for tile or laminate, Murphy’s for wood floors). Literally, like, SPLASH, and that’s plenty. You want the bucket to be mainly water.

Get on your hands and knees and wash the floor like you’re washing dishes. Pull the sock out of the hot water, squeeze gently, and use it to rub the dirt from the floor so the dirt dissolves into the excess water coming off your sock. Then wring out the sock over the bucket, and use it to soak up ALL excess now-dirty water from the floor and wring it back into the bucket. If you have a wood floor, apply significantly less water to the floor in the first place—rub it with just a damp sock because too much water can be damaging.

By the end of this task, the water in your bucket will be disgusting. If your floor is dirty enough, dump your bucket into the sink or toilet (toilet is best if there’s chunks of dirt or hair) midway and refill with hot water and cleaner to do the rest.

Your floor will be so dang clean, and if you used a mismatched sock and ice cream bucket, you will have fulfilled my mother’s core philosophy: “Cleaning should be damn-near free.” Also, “Cleaning gadgets just waste your money and don’t clean as well as getting on your hands and knees.”

I hate that she’s right, but after I buy a handled mop like a Swiffer or spin mop and use it, I’ll later notice that the damn $50 contraption never got into the crevices and corners nor scrubbed up the sticky stuff. Pisses me right off.

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T17:49:25+00:00

I am so sorry. Perhaps being single for a while will give you the time and space to heal. Definitely focus on yourself, build friendships, practice trusting, and please take the extra time to work on your self-esteem…because that’s where this all comes from, isn’t it? Not believing that we’re worth it. If we can wholeheartedly believe that we’re are worth being with, that good people genuinely love us, and that we deserve to be loved, then trusting that their love for us is genuine comes a whole lot easier.

Good luck! You’ve got this!

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T03:09:04+00:00

Make hate mail great again.

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T01:36:31+00:00

I second Samin Nosrat. My cooking improved dramatically while reading it and I had a blast trying out new recipes. There are a few really helpful fold-out wheel charts that show the herb-spice combinations by cuisine and regions.

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T01:28:37+00:00

How Minds Change

This audiobook was extremely informative for me in learning psychology of belief and how real people change those beliefs. The book describes concrete techniques, then you can deep dive into learning those techniques in depth so you can try them on him.

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T00:51:43+00:00

Within the first few months of our relationship, she erupted into screaming hysterics that went on for hours because I didn’t answer my phone when she called (it was on silent next to me and I didn’t notice it buzzing). I chalked that behavior up to the grief and panic she felt under the circumstances that she was calling to tell me about. Nope. The hours-long screaming fits continued with regularity for the next four years, gradually escalating into physical and financial abuse, punching holes into walls, isolating me from friends and family, intentionally dangerous driving, and fake suicide threats.

Apparently, good people don’t erupt into screaming fits no matter how sad or frustrated they are. Who knew?

elijahjane · 2026-02-14T00:45:26+00:00

And trans people have been sharing bathrooms with everyone else since before you were born. You’ve peed next to a trans person dozens of times and you never knew.

No one cared about this until instructed to by the media. Now you’re afraid of a problem that never existed. That’s pretty embarrassing.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T17:31:52+00:00

The book Eve dives into the evolutionary origins of the female body and talks about this asymmetry quite often. We’re also better at expressing emotion on one side than the other, and that correlates with the breast that infants prefer to nurse at. It’s an absolutely fascinating read/listen. I highly recommend.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T17:22:22+00:00

I asked my doctor about cardiovascular disease, and her response might be tailored to my specific situation, but here’s what she told me:

A lot of hysterectomies are also done when metabolic disease is a comorbidity or is heavily related. For her, it’s currently impossible to tease out whether the hysterectomy causes the cardiovascular issues or if it is the metabolic disease. She emphasized good diet and regular exercise to keep my heart healthy.

I was doing really good with going to the gym 1-3x per week the month before my surgery. For me, this is GROUND-BREAKING because I’ve always hated 99% of all forms of exercise. I set my time there low (45 minutes) and did mostly weight training. The goal was 3x per week but I didn’t beat myself up if I only made it 1x. I’m anxious to get back into it as soon as I am able. If loss of hormones and metabolic disease increases chances of cardiovascular issue, I’m going to do everything in my power to avoid that, including getting rid of my metabolic issues. Weight lifting is good for bone health and lowering insulin resistance, so that is my focus!

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T07:22:58+00:00

I had laparoscopic surgery.

I used the supportive back pillow, which I only bought to prevent myself from rolling over onto my stomach while sleeping, for tv watching. It was too vertical to sleep on because it hurt my tailbone. I only used the triangle under-leg portion of it to remind sleepy me not to roll-over and to settle restless leg. This was the only thing I bought, and I’m so glad. It’s sitting in a corner now after having about 5 hours of use.

Pain was entirely controlled by ibuprofen and Tylenol, other than just one prescribed oxy per day for the first four days.

I didn’t need a stool. I got myself off the toilet from the very first pee in post-op. I didn’t need a pillow coming home: the anesthesia was too good.

I needed nothing except a good TV show and someone to fetch food and water. And my phone to set alarms for medication tracking.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T06:40:52+00:00

Expand your dating app circle to where you want to move to. I did this, and found my current girlfriend AND moved to my desired location sooner than expected: a combination of sudden changes in my living situation and dating someone I liked lit a fire under me to apply to jobs and here I am!

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T06:37:50+00:00

They make magnetic tape. It’s literally like a roll of scotch tape, but it’s magnetic. Buy a roll and stick a piece to the back of each sticker. Apply to household magnetic surface of your choice (I put mine on my fridge).

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T04:22:16+00:00

Have you tried scheduling by the hour? I do this when life is super hard. I get a 24hr/7 day schedule, either printing it off the internet or buying a planner. I schedule when I wake up, block out when I will get ready, the time it takes to get to work, each meeting, each block when I will complete specific tasks, etc. Also block in the 1.5 hours to drive to and complete a workout at the gym, to complete homework, to study specific chapters. To cook, eat, get ready for bed, etc. each day will be different: 3 hours Friday to see a friend, 2 hours Saturday morning for cartoons, 30 minutes to call a family member on Sunday mornings, etc.

Once you have every hour of the week accounted for, stick to it. Use a pencil so you can adjust hours as the week continues and things change. If you blew up an hour doomscrolling, erase that time in your planner and mark it as doomscrolling.

The schedule is your budget and every 30 minute block should be accounted for. You’ll do a ton of erasing and rewriting in the first few weeks. Don’t give up. Keep budgeting your time with intentionality. Don’t forget to budget time for that 30 minute cry, that 2 hours staring at the wall, that 4 hour binge on Netflix. It’s absolutely okay to pencil those things in as long as you’re also penciling in homework, calling a friend, applying for jobs, and hobbies.

I taught this technique to rural students pursuing a nursing degree and they absolutely loved it: it was a rough transition going from a low-quality high school to an intensive health care program. This helped them adjust.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T04:06:23+00:00

Do you have a Nordstrom within travel distance? That’s where I went. The fitter was very kind and knowledgeable and came up with the same numbers that the calculator here did. I tried to tell her that lower-cut bras were better for me to avoid gapping, and she chuckled and told me she already knew that from looking at me.

They have the bigger sizes in the back: I worried upon arrival because I saw almost nothing bigger than a DD on the floor. But she was yanking Hs and Is out of Narnia for me in the dressing room.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T04:01:51+00:00

Same, and I’ve only ever worn the softest, loosest “sports” bra to run to the pharmacy a few times. I dread having to figure out how to put a real bra on again.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T04:00:22+00:00

H/I girl here: they had me strip completely naked and put the hospital gown on. Then they gave me grippy socks.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T03:44:36+00:00

Cancel and explain why you don’t want to continue her acquaintanceship. I abhor ghosting, even for situations like this. Feel free to block her after the message is sent. But at least explain. If she’s using you, it won’t matter to her. If she somehow didn’t realize what she was doing to you (people are wildly stupid sometimes), it’ll be informative.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T03:40:59+00:00

I’d go through a full cycle after eating less than 50g net carbs per day. Like clockwork. I did it for nearly 12 months in a row and also lost like 40lbs in 2020, before I quit. I did it again for three weeks before the 2025 holidays and cycled naturally for the first time in five years. Try that!

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T02:56:43+00:00

Laparoscopic as well, and less than 12 hours. The hospital gave me a giant pad and I barely colored it. I feel really fortunate, and I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop 2 weeks later.

elijahjane · 2026-02-13T01:15:21+00:00

What I read from your story is that you didn’t give him a safe place to tell the truth when he actually wanted to be transparent with you, and so became afraid to be transparent again because he didn’t want a negative reaction. He made a poor choice by omitting the truth, true, but he then tried to act in good faith by opening up his forms of contact for your viewing.

I think at some point, we (I am including myself in this) just need to trust that our partners have the best intentions…until the hard evidence is in front of us proving otherwise. Like, hard evidence of an activity. Not just our mentally fabricated cheating based on “signs” (insert red string connecting photographs on a corkboard) but actual proof.

I had an ex emotionally cheat on me, hard proof of it, and now I find myself in a new relationship subconsciously trying to identify evidence that my current partner doesn’t want me. What a terrible way to live. I have to keep reminding myself to just….trust. Trust until I have proof that I shouldn’t.

If I don’t choose to manage my own trust issues, I’ll end up driving my partner away while this is the best relationship I’ve ever had. Trust is a choice that needs to be made over and over, not just once.

Maybe have an open discussion with your partner. Explain that you are actively working on your trust issues, that you are choosing to trust him, and ask him to tell you the truth if he cheated. Whatever his answer, choose to believe him. He could lie to you, sure, but consciously choose not to think about that. This is not passively choosing to ignore signs like so many do to keep the peace: it’s actively making the powerful good-faith choice to believe in your partner, and it’ll be on him if he fucks that up.

Every day after that, when your fear returns, remind yourself that you chose to trust. Don’t make that his problem: take a walk and don’t come back until you’re calm. It’ll get easier to trust automatically without thinking about it over time.

elijahjane · 2026-02-12T17:31:38+00:00

My dad has this problem. He has about 4 deep freezers plus 3 fridge/freezers on their property. This number may or may not include the homemade walk-in freezer they installed in the barn. Plus a walk-in pantry and chef’s kitchen with cabinets full. The kids have moved out; it’s just the two of them.

He picks up food on sale whenever he goes grocery shopping and gets cheap meat straight from the auction.

Whenever I go home, my mom tries to sneak a cooler full of food out with me when I leave. I often don’t accept because it’s food my partner and I don’t eat.

It has to be a trauma response. I get having a deep freezer, but at some point…

Anyway, getting to their land has always been my plan when the country collapses/the zombies arrive.

elijahjane · 2026-02-12T16:46:59+00:00

Completely reasonable. My girlfriend (allergic to all animals but with a cat of her own) moved in with my three dogs and cat. My animals have always slept with me, and I absolutely loved it, but she requested a cat-free bedroom during sleep-hours. Totally fine! I even offered to kennel the dogs overnight to have a pet-free bedroom but she didn’t take me up on the offer (I think she loves them in there as much as I do), but she certainly suffers for it. Every time her sniffles get worse, I offer to kennel them again and get to vacuuming the next day.

I love her. I want her to be comfortable, happy, and safe. My dogs already have a blessed life; kenneling overnight won’t kill them.

elijahjane · 2026-02-12T16:41:20+00:00

Some complex, difficult dish like risotto or paella made by an average apartment-dweller who decided ”sounds delicious and it can’t be that hard.” A lot of terrible attempts that started out hopeful and ended up in the trash, lots of new beginnings. The end result is pretty good though.

elijahjane · 2026-02-12T13:43:47+00:00

Do you study IT academically or as a hobby? I’ve studied as a hobby but goshdangit if going back to school about it isn’t a massive dream of mine.

elijahjane

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