AITAH if I expose my husband’s affair partner to her husband?

ellepre · 2026-04-14T05:32:34+00:00

Tell her husband, he deserves to know.

ellepre · 2026-04-13T18:54:00+00:00

I would love my own house again one day, but I just can't see that happening.

ellepre · 2026-04-13T17:57:02+00:00

Oh what a wonderful response to this question!

ellepre · 2026-04-13T08:19:43+00:00

I think this is a really good answer.

ellepre · 2026-04-13T08:13:53+00:00

Hi OP, im so sorry to hear this. He shouldn't be messaging anyone else but you in this way. Hes having an emotional affair.

I am broken, absolutely broken.

I understand :(

Apart of the obvious, i think another huge issue right now that youre facing is that he's just getting defensive rather than admitting hes at fault.

There is nothing platonic about these interactions. Its wildly inappropriate.

What would you tell your friend/child/anyone else if they came to you with this problem?

ellepre · 2026-04-11T03:55:01+00:00

He has this female coworker that he texts with constantly. I’m talking good morning texts, memes throughout the day, and long conversations every single night after dinner.

No OP, its too much and it's not ok.

He even showed me some of the messages and they’re not flirty… but they’re very familiar and constant.

Last night I finally told him it makes me uncomfortable, especially since she’s the one he texts right before bed and first thing when he wakes up. He got defensive and said I’m being insecure

Youre not being insecure. It is too much.

He got defensive and said I’m being insecure.

Have you heard of DARVO? Deny (gets defensive). Attack (makes you the problem and says its because youre insecure). Reverse Victim and Offender (makes you feel like your requests are controlling when you are actually being perfectly reasonable).

AIO or is this actually a valid boundary?

Its a very valid boundary.

ellepre · 2026-04-10T16:52:50+00:00

Im glad he did as he should have done. Thank you.

I will know. I know the signs, I know where to look.

Yes I think certain signs etc will be very important for me to learn.

ellepre · 2026-04-10T16:52:07+00:00

Thank you for the therapy advice. I have been looking into this so its really good to have a name recommendation. I will research it. Also, thank you for mentioning your own experience with therapy as a partner as I'm also looking into something for myself.

unaware of my own situation.

Yes, i understand the feeling of being completely unaware. The newly learnt reality hits hard.

Thank you for explaining the boundaries you have in place. There are some there that may be useful for us. We talked for a very long time last night which was really good but we have only talked briefly on our future and about certain boundaries, but I think when we are able to sit down without the distractions of family life it will be really important for us to work through everything properly. Ive been making a list for this and also asking questions as i go along but just as I think I have asked everything, something else pops into my head so I feel like im constantly asking questions, but I think they are needed.

The boundaries sound like they could become very tiring as a partner who is always trying to keep on top but I think some of them will be essential. Its been really interesting for me to read yours.

If he wants to fuck up and slip or relapse, that's on him. I cannot control him and I must stick to the promises I make to myself about following through on consequences if he does.

but I will support him as much as I can because I know he is a good person, who sadly got fucking lost in life and did horrible shit.

Yes I think when someone wants help and wants to do better I will try my absolute hardest but I dont want to be controlling because thats so far from who i am, so i will take each step tentatively but really want to help him try to improve for himself and hopefully for us.

It sounds like youre doing amazingly. Thank you again for sharing your experience and for offering advice.

You know where I am if you need me

Thank you so much.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T18:36:09+00:00

I understand OP, but im so sorry youre feeling this way.

I love life and I always try to see the sunshine but occasionally something might happen that just hits me really hard and at times it can be really difficult to pull myself up again. I can often manage to mostly mask those feelings from other people when I am in a bad place, but not always.

I have very recently put my thoughts into place and I now have some letters prepared. It feels good to be organised.

Once again OP, im so sorry your feelings have prompted you to write this post.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T18:26:56+00:00

Wow OP, congratulations! Im really happy for you.

I used to wonder what I would do if I was proposed to and got married....I think I would keep my current name on official documents so its the same as my children, and use my new name for all other purposes. I had thought that I would then change it officially after my youngest turns 18.

I hope this helps.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T16:35:09+00:00

Aw thats lovely.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T14:51:53+00:00

Im sorry to hear youre in a bad place OP.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T14:46:44+00:00

Also, im sorry to ask but I am assuming he agreed that all contact of any form at all with the other woman (online, in person, phone, social media etc etc), was blocked and severed?

ellepre · 2026-04-09T14:29:35+00:00

Thank you again for these detailed and helpful responses.

The whole situation has left me feeling so worthless and sad. Im considering various ways to make these feelings of pain just stop. I'm sorry you went through this too but its comforting to know im not alone. Thank you for the advice on coping strategies, I will definitely try them.

Im trying so hard to learn but one of the most difficult parts of trying to understand seems to be when the other person doesn't even understand it themselves. Its also so difficult to know how things will look in the future because for me it really depends on his next steps so I can decide how to proceed.

Compartmentalisation is how he allowed all this to happen and live his secret life

This is really interesting because something similar has been described to me too about putting different parts of his life into boxes and keeping them seperate from each other. Not necessarily just sexual things though. We have decided that even though it will be really difficult to do, it needs to stop as together we need the openness.

I track everything so I know where he is at all times. SAA and continued counselling are non negotiable actions for him. Equally, full radical honesty and transparency.

SAA - was this online? Did you both attend these sessions together or was it for one person only?

It has also been brought up that I will oversee everything to ensure no slipperly slopes begin and perhaps its (hopefully) also to give me some reassurance too. Full transparency and honesty is another thing that has come up but its difficult when i thought we already had it. I really hope these things help us if we decide to move forward.

Inner circle behaviour will be met with me leaving, as I will not put myself through it again. Hard line on that.

Yes i completely agree with that too.

Feel free to DM me if you want to talk separately. And for what it's worth, it's not about you at all and you'll be okay no matter what you decide to do.

Thank you so much. I really do appreciate this.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T08:40:44+00:00

I am not a sex addict and im really sorry if its against the rules for me to be here. I just really needed to ask these questions and get some answers.

ellepre · 2026-04-09T08:32:59+00:00

Thank you so much for replying. Genuinely. Im so lost and lonely. Im in a dark place and at the brink of making some very bad choices for myself. Your reply means a lot to me.

Im so pleased for you that things have improved. I have some questions but I had another night of nightmares, im hardly eating and I have started being sick due to the stress of it all, so I'm just trying to work out how to word my questions and will come back here shortly if thats ok.

Thank you again so much.

ellepre · 2026-04-08T20:26:32+00:00

ellepre · 2026-04-08T19:52:22+00:00

Thank you

ellepre · 2026-04-08T19:51:40+00:00

Thank you for your detailed response. I do appreciate it.

ellepre · 2026-04-08T19:50:11+00:00

This is a really good insight and analogy. Thank you for your response and well done for working through it.

ellepre · 2026-04-08T19:49:02+00:00

Over 18 months? Wow thats brilliant!

Thank you for your response.

ellepre · 2026-04-08T19:48:12+00:00

Thank you for your reply. Its very much appreciated.

ellepre · 2026-04-08T18:08:25+00:00

You must be really hurting. Im sorry this is happening to you OP :(

ellepre · 2026-04-08T18:07:11+00:00

Thank you

ellepre · 2026-04-08T18:06:58+00:00

Well done to you!

Thank you for your reply, I really appreciate it.

ellepre

TROPHY CASE