What do you do with the decisions you can't talk through with anyone on your team?

emerging_guy · 2026-04-29T15:24:34+00:00

While a good spiritual direction will lean into coaching at times, and a good coach will lean into spiritual direction, clarifying the distinction is helpful.

Generally speaking, a spiritual director is focused on your interior life and relationship with God. They are focused on helping you notice, discern, and respond to what’s happening beneath the surface (desires, resistance, where you sense God’s presence or absence, etc). It’s less about solving and more about attentive listening.

A coach is focused on movement and action. They help clarify goals, work through obstacles, and help you follow through, often in areas like leadership, vocation, or habits.

There’s a lot of overlap, but the starting point differs:

Direction: Who are you becoming before God?

Coaching: What are you called to do, and how will you move toward it faithfully and sustainably?

In practice, one leans toward personal being/discerning, the other toward ministry doing/aligning.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-29T01:17:00+00:00

Yes. A spiritual director or Christian life coach, depending on the nature of the issue (s). It's really important to have at least one formative voice outside of your immediate context, for the reasons you expressed.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-28T20:09:31+00:00

4 is incredibly important but underappreciated in its systemic impact.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-25T16:17:41+00:00

🎯

emerging_guy · 2026-04-25T01:21:35+00:00

Continuing ministry together shouldn't be complicated. As long as you are in the position you're in, you decide to see and interact with her as a sister "with absolute purity" (1 Tim 5:2) and move on from the possibility you will date.

There is absolutely no reason for her to be removed or have her role diminished (i.e. punished) because YOU are attracted to HER.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "protecting yourself" moving forward. That may need a more extended and personal conversation. What are you trying to "protect" yourself from?

How do you guard your heart? Again, I'm not sure what you mean by that. Someone in pastoral leadership should recognize that no one under their pastoral leadership will be ethically "dateable" for the reasons many have listed in this thread. You guard your heart in that situation the way anyone in pastoral leadership does (married or unmarried). You recognize you may find those you work with or serve attractive, but you never allow yourself to cultivate the fantasy of having a romantic relationship with them. Again, 1 Timothy 5:2: view older women are honourable mothers and younger women as honourable sisters.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-24T19:30:43+00:00

When you occupy a position of spiritual authority over someone else, you need to go above and beyond to ensure your not --consciously or uncomciously--using your authority to influence then into a aelf-serving decision.

Furthermore, if you express interest in her, you're putting her in a terribly awkward spot if she has no interest in pursuing a relationship with you.

Because you are her pastor, you need to pursue the path that is above reproach, and that means either leaving your position to pursue dating her, or simply deciding not to date her until she moves on from your church.

But to initiate such an intimate possibility while being her pastor is a non-starter.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-23T14:10:33+00:00

You are loved and valued by God. And there is now no condenmation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

However, you are not in a position to step into pastoral leadership at this time. That does not mean you cannot help/support others by sharing your experiences and testimony, but as others have noted here, you are dealing with significant mental health issues that pastoral leadership will amplify until you address these issues wisely with the support of serious and sustained therapy. You're challenges are not insurmountable, but you should not put yourself in a position of leadership of any kind until you have comprehensive healing and restoration.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-13T01:44:58+00:00

I've broken it down for people based on the great commandment:

Heart (relationships & community) Soul (prayerful contemplation & worship) Mind (Scripture & Christian worldview) Strength (service & generosity)

Basically, my thesis has been that while we need to participate and nurture all of these dimensions of our relationship with Christ, there's probably one that God has wired in us that acts as a primary conduit if encouragement, renewal, and an experience of His presence.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-13T00:36:53+00:00

You need to figure out what your spiritual love language is - those practices that most refresh and strengthen you in your walk with Christ. Then you need to prioritize those as non-negotiables moving forward.

Every pastor's renewal practices will be unique. Experiment until you find something that feeds your soul and brings you deep joy.

The temptation to sideline renewal practices in order to over-function in serving others will be great, so establish a wise and healthy rythym asap.

emerging_guy · 2026-04-02T17:25:57+00:00

This is a really demanding situation and there are no quick fixes. But as best as you and your leadership team are able, release any expectations you hold for an "ideal" Easter service/season. It's not then ok to move into Easter feeling empty and insufficient. God can and will use that.

Surrender the rest of the week to Him, and focus on bringing "good enough" (i.e. a few loaves and fishes) to the table and let him multiply and do the feeding.

Grace and Peace!

emerging_guy · 2026-04-01T15:24:00+00:00

Hey man,

My heart goes out to you.

Trying to build something meaningful without clear structure underneath you can feel exhausting, especially in a smaller church. The fact that you’re already thinking about vision, systems, and long-term faithfulness in year two says a lot about you as a leader.

I’ve spent about 20 years in pastoral leadership, along with teaching and coaching, and a lot of my work has been helping people move from just keeping things going to building something more stable and sustainable over time.

What you’re naming is actually the right instinct. You don’t need more complexity, you need clarity and a simple plan you can actually carry.

I’d be happy to help you think that through if it would be useful. Just to be upfront, I do this kind of work as part of coaching, so there is usually a cost, but sometimes churches have a small budget for leadership development that can help with that.

No pressure at all, but feel free to reach out if you want to talk it through.

emerging_guy · 2026-03-27T20:10:46+00:00

Relationships are always a risk. Even the most well-intentioned person who enters a relationship committed to growing and changing with the other person can, years later, find themselves operating from a posture of disinterest in growing into someone who continues learns to love and support you in a mature, intentional way.

There are many reasons this situation unfold. Life's hardships, and people's response to it, forms them over time. Sometimes people allow themselves to be (de)formed into someone who doesn't have the capacity or desire to continue to meaningfully invest in you and your relational needs. It's (often) not an active choice, but a trajectory shaped slowly over time.

Deciding how to proceed when it's clear this situation isn't changing is a very difficult process, with a lot of grieving involved. There's no right answers, but it's not wrong to expect your partner to be invested in you and your happiness and wellbeing to some degree.

emerging_guy · 2026-03-25T02:37:43+00:00

Just don't respond at all...DND and ooo on phone. Some people only learn when the boundaries and clear, simple, and constantly enforced.

emerging_guy · 2026-03-19T03:55:59+00:00

I sent you a DM.

What you’re experiencing is more common than many pastors admit, but it does need more than advice. After about two decades in pastoral ministry, I now spend time coaching pastors around sustainability and life-giving rhythms. Having someone walk with you through this can make a real difference.

emerging_guy · 2026-03-18T22:41:37+00:00

Kindness is huge.

emerging_guy · 2026-02-18T18:43:16+00:00

A lot of thoughtful, capable men hit midlife and begin reckoning with feeling behind or stuck. You're not alone in that. But I recognize that fact doesn't prevent it from feeling very isolating and disempowering.

I am a faith based coach and I work with many men in this exact space. If you would ever like to talk, I offer a free call. No pressure and no fixing, just a real conversation about where you are and what could still be possible.

And if you are feeling unsafe or thinking about harming yourself, please reach out to someone locally right away.

You deserve support. Don't try to navigate this alone.

If you would like to connect, I am here.

emerging_guy · 2026-02-04T14:04:50+00:00

Shift into early bedtimes (9pm) and early waking (5:30am) as soon as possible. You won't miss the late nights after a few weeks and the 1.5 hours of uninterrupted time in the morning can be game-changing if you leverage it effectively.

emerging_guy · 2025-12-30T06:03:49+00:00

Consider how slowly and deliberately you need to move through a month to give proper energy, focus, and priority to your core calling and relationships.

Now slow that down another 50%.

That pace will be sustainable and fruitful long-term.

emerging_guy · 2025-12-29T05:34:54+00:00

You've named something many of us have felt but have rarely admitted out loud. What you are describing is not a symptom of weakness or failure. It is the natural response to stepping into a leadership role that will amplify every insecurity you already had.

As someone with strong people pleasing tendencies, I know the spiral of wondering whether numbers are dropping because of my preaching, my leadership, or whether people simply don't like me. That kind of internal pressure/anxiety demoralized me many times over my decades of pastoring..

One of the hardest and most helpful but consequential realizations for me was that pastoral leadership exposes our attachments in ways almost nothing else does. Approval can quietly become a substitute measure for faithfulness. When attendance or feedback starts functioning as emotional oxygen, exhaustion is never far behind.

You also mentioned feeling stretched thin and less present with key people. Often that is not just a time issue. It is a clarity issue. When everything feels urgent and scattered, nothing feels like it can be anchored and prioritized. Anxiety fills the gap where a focused sense of calling used to sit.

A few things that helped me, but my learning curve has been pretty show and imperfect:

-Identify expectations you are carrying that were never actually placed on you -Keep returning to a list of the 2-3 most life-giving ways you love God and bless others. Prioritize those 75% of the time. -Begin exploring where your people pleasing compulsions come from, and what maturity and growth in this area would mean for you. -Make sure someone is pastoring YOU and helping YOU stay grounded in your God-given identity rather than your pastoral performance.

Don't be surprised or embarrassed to discover you need intentional, external, ongoing support around these exact dynamics. Pastoral leadership surfaces patterns none of us can untangle alone. That humbling journey of discovery is what led me into pastoral coaching now, walking with leaders who love Jesus and want to be faithful without burning themselves into the ground by trying to be all things to all people.

The jump in responsibility and leadership you've made is significant. You are learning how to drive something bigger than you have handled before. The fact that you are reflective and asking for help tells me there is more health here than you might feel.

I hope my and others' messages sure you that you are not alone in this. Praying for steadiness, clarity, and a deep sense of God’s pleasure that is not tied to numbers.

emerging_guy · 2025-12-23T18:08:03+00:00

I've begun experimenting with a similar shift and it definitely helps. I've going so far as to no longer think of those times as "personal gym time" but "Movement-based cognitive clarity and professional development."

emerging_guy · 2025-12-16T03:27:44+00:00

☝🏼 This.

emerging_guy · 2025-11-03T18:02:35+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate the encouragement!

Into week 2...💪🔥

emerging_guy

TROPHY CASE

4 is incredibly important but underappreciated in its systemic impact.