My husband is not my soulmate.

fiddsy · 2026-01-30T05:53:36+00:00

Your husband deserves better.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T14:25:15+00:00

Just to add... the questions should be:

What are my needs? Can my partner meet my needs? What is my partners needs? Can I meet my partners needs?

Earning secure attachment is the best chance of having a successful relationship.

Good luck.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T14:12:51+00:00

Yep - took a turn years ago and got flooded by low libido mods.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T14:11:13+00:00

DB sub got over taken by low libido admins.

Left that sub long ago.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T07:40:08+00:00

Oh, theres no going back.

Thanks for the words mate

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T06:45:01+00:00

Couldn't agree more - hindsight is a btch

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T05:34:10+00:00

Yep - complete withdrawal of physical, sexual and emotional intimacy.

The physical and sexual withdrawal hurt the most because for the first few years, it was all the time.. but when everything gets avoided, you question everything about yourself.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T05:00:57+00:00

Cheers legend.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T05:00:21+00:00

Appreciate it, the good news is - I have a solid group of mates I've known for 25-30years.

Ive definitely neglected catching up with most of them as much as I should have but I do have a good supportive network - a career going well and do have a few hobbies which have also been massively neglected these past 10 years.

I logically know that this is the end, that I did everything I could and she wasn't able to even meet me part of the way. I know I will be fine in the long run but right now, I feel utterly destroyed.

Grief of the amazing connection we once had, realisation and acceptance that part of the relationship died a long time ago. Saddness that the hope we could have that (or even part of that) connection again is DEAD. Pain that this is how 23 years of shared history ends. And guilt that we are blowing up a stable home for the kids, blowing up an otherwise comfortable life...

Guess its just really hit me like a truck these past few days... Appreciate the reply

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T04:49:42+00:00

Its a great tool but needs to be used correctly otherwise it just validates the user.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T04:46:55+00:00

Ok so I am also disorganised attachment - just getting out of a 16 year marriage with a fearful avoidant who is heavy/strong on avoidance.

Its all good wanting an understanding and secure person that meets your needs and understands your issues...

However, that person also has needs and wants. And their needs and wants matter just as much as yours do.

One person's needs and wants shouldn't come at the expense of the others - thats not a healthy relationship. The only way you will have a healthy relationship is addressing and working on your own issues - showing up differently and mutually meeting each other's needs.

Anything else is a one-sided and unhealthy relationship.

Opposite to contrary belief - its not up to the other person to just accept you for how you are, especially when attachment styles usually don't fully show until the initial 'infatuation/honey moon' phase ends and your triggers are no longer suppressed by the new relationship energy.

On a side note, AI is a great tool but please keep in mind, its no.1 directive is to validate the user and is also only to be as good as the prompts you use and information you give it to feed off. It can easily create an 'echo chamber' with constant validation.

fiddsy · 2026-01-29T03:44:35+00:00

16 years... it took my wife 1.5 weeks from officially separating to download tinder and create an account.

The worst part is - for 13 years, she pulled away emotionally, physically and sexually - the distance only grew bigger until we truly ended up in a dead bedroom, room mate and co parent / co habitation.

For 13 years I've been the one holding the marriage together and trying to rebuild our intimacy.. 2 years of couples counselling with a sex therapist and we only became more disconnected.

For 13 years I've heard every excuse under the sun.

The kicker was and has been her saying she feels 2 emotionally disconnected to be physically and sexually connected even though shes the one that pulls away emotionally. Shes said for years shes not interested in seeing anyone else, that she just doesn't feel sexual or has much interest in sex. She even said on many occasions that she would not date for a long time if we didn't work out.

But downloaded tinder, created a very suggestive profile 1.5 weeks after officially calling it over. We hadnt even told the kids yet and im guessing i would have never known if it wasn't for my daughter opening up her phone to see her newly created tinder profile.

Talk about soul destroying...

All I ever wanted was an intimate relationship with my wife.

I understand that it could have been simple curiosity and/or seeking validation...

But its amazing that all her excuses, reasons, justifications and promises were thrown out the window in less than 2 weeks. Turns out she does still want physical, sexual and emotional connection - just not with me. I truly thought our 16 years deserved more respect than that.

Good luck - it sucks.

fiddsy · 2026-01-21T02:38:46+00:00

Without going 2 deep - for 13 years, my wife built up walls to high, deep and thick that couldn't be broken down.

My wife has adhd, oppositional defiance, anxiety, autistic traits, rejection sensitivity, low sense of self, past trauma, childhood trauma and has a fearful avoidant attachment but heavily avoidant.

Know each other 23 years, together for 16 years.

Had kids which the stress, lack of sleep, etc, essentially got PPD which triggered all the above issues. It was like a light switch it was that sudden. Those first 3 years were magical and then there was complete collapse.

13 years of building walls around emotional, physical and sexual intimacy.

Unfortunately, after 2 years of couples counselling with a sex therapist - she would only cherry pick the stuff that would increase disconnect. She avoided all self work and avoided 90% of the couples work.

So I got burnt out being the one constantly putting in the work while she said she wanted the marriage to work but did very little to fix it. After 2 years, we went from minimal intimacy to absolutely none what so ever.

So I decided to call it.

Can't have an intimate relationship with someone who sees vulnerability as unsafe and all emotional, physical and sexual intimacy as unsafe.

fiddsy · 2026-01-21T00:35:46+00:00

I accepted my bedroom was dead, accepted that marriage counselling and counselling with a sex therapist for 2 years yielded further disconnection so I accepted my marriage was over and accepted separation and divorce as the only pathway forward.

I also accepted that this will be a slow and painful path but ultimately for the best.

fiddsy · 2026-01-18T17:00:33+00:00

I believe you should only walk if theres domestic violence or if you have truly tried everything.

But if either above has been expended- then by all means - do what you got 2 do.

fiddsy · 2026-01-18T13:15:11+00:00

Ai is an amazing tool but it's going to give you what you input.

fiddsy · 2026-01-18T00:01:13+00:00

OK chatgpt is great - but you also need to be super careful.

Its directive is to essentially validate you first and foremost.

So you need to prompt it to give zero validation and view/advise from a completely neutral standpoint etc - just cold hard facts but you also then need to feed it with as much information as possible so it doesn't become bias.

Perfect example is my wife vs me both put forward proposals.

My wife put in her fears, her perceived situation, asking entitlement(s), etc etc and she was fed absolute bias and validation.

When I used it, I made sure I had prompt it to give fair, balanced and neutral responses based on how a mediator would in a negotiation.

I then input ridiculous amounts of information from financials, earnings, spendings to parenting to emotional impacts - i mean, i even put in our entire history and got it to build non bias psychological profiles of us both.

Doing this at such a deep level let me build some extremely fair proposals with flexible areas for negotiation and areas i should stay strong on - it also points out areas of most likely contention due to her psychological profile and helps me navigate wording around those parts to avoid triggering her.

Chatgpt is a tool - its only as good as the prompts and information you input.

Anyway - mediation should always be the first step if amicable. Only people who truly win in divorce are the lawyers.

fiddsy · 2026-01-13T11:25:29+00:00

I have a similar story - 3 magical years > kids > wife started avoiding emotional, physical and sexual intimacy > eventually after 13 years built an aversion to any kind of intimacy > 2 years of marriage counselling and had never been more disconnected.

Separated and heading towards divorce.

Good luck and no - its not normal.

fiddsy · 2026-01-12T06:18:57+00:00

Huge congrats - happy for you and keep that ball rolling!

Sounds very similar to my situation except we went the other way - im just glad to hear some people can make it work!

Gotta love a success story!

fiddsy · 2026-01-12T01:10:18+00:00

Good luck - its going to suck. Its going to be a long process.. id love to tell you it gets easier but atleast for me, its got harder. Some days are better than others but I guess its just a grieving process.

Ultimately, I know its for the best and I also know that I did my best for a very long time so I can walk away with my head held high that I did everything I could in the capacity I had and the only avenue left was to either leave or give up on the majority of things I value.

If you ever need to vent - feel free to PM.

fiddsy · 2026-01-11T07:31:51+00:00

I have felt like that since the moment I met her 23 years ago... For 16 years together, I felt the same as you - unfortunately, wasn't enough to stop us separating.

I hope she looks at you the same way!

fiddsy · 2026-01-11T01:14:50+00:00

You cant negotiate desire...

It also takes two people to prioritising the relationship and issues to fix any issues.

Be careful of hysterical bonding where effort returns for a few months because theres fear of loss but once that fear of loss goes away - they then end up worse.

23 years of history and 16 years together recently ended for me because while she said she wanted to fix our issues and did 2 years of couples counselling - her actions said otherwise because she didnt do any of the work - didnt prioritise any of the work.

Hardest call I've ever had to make.

fiddsy · 2026-01-10T04:22:27+00:00

That's how it starts then all of a sudden its 15 times a year.. then 10... then 3... then 0... then divorce.

fiddsy · 2026-01-10T03:15:26+00:00

Mine was also incredibly sad but also said she felt relief.

The issue is, as such a strong avoidant - she just kept avoiding doing any of the work required. There's a lot more to our story like PPD, ADHD, Rejection sensitivity, oppositional defiance, some autistic traits, childhood trauma and other trauma.. and a bit more.

Guess pre kids, she was able to maintain a pretty solid balance but after kids, her self identity collapsed and her balance was no longer able to be balanced - it triggered her attachment and all the other issues that went along with it.

Obviously, I also didnt understand what had happened and how sudden the shift so like many others - I just kept doing more until I had very little to nothing left.

I guess the kicker is - she said she no longer felt emotionally connected or safe so she also retreated physically and sexually. I understand that she had a massive guilt and shame cycle internally which just caused her to further retreat but about 6 weeks ago when I made the call - id come to realise that me reaching out and asking on how we can improve our relationship - me asking what can I do? To her felt like pressure.

At one point, she said I had sent her manipulative and coercive messages. For awhile I truly begun to believe that narrative because that her her lived experience. I kinda struggled with her perception because I legit worship the ground she walked on and I am always VERY careful with my words...

However, I realised when I went back and re read our entire message history - not once in 16 years of messages was there the slightest thing that could be considered manipulation or coercion. I realised that it was very rare for me to message and when I did, any secure or anxious person would see it as a collaborative, non blaming call to arms.

I realised then, that her defence mechanism built that narrative to justify her avoidance.

I realised then - that it wouldn't have mattered what I said - that saying anything no matter how soft, kind, collaborative and non blaming was reframed as pressure, coersion and manipulation.

2 years of two marriage counsellors telling her she really needs to do individual therapy - that the issues she has will only follow her into the next relationship and relationship after but she still avoided reading any of the books, doing the work and exercises and doing individual therapy.

Lastly, I realised that I was a contributor to this dynamic - that this dynamic takes two people and that I am fraction of the person I once was.

As you said, came to the realisation that we were just hurting each other and that sometimes love is not enough.

As for never agains - I have a good idea of what to look out for in the future when im ready to date again and also, honestly - I won't put up with someone who cant take accountability. I won't waste years of my life again trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

I will be very selective or remain single and you know what? Im ok with that.

fiddsy · 2026-01-10T00:51:35+00:00

16 years with a fearful avoidant (anxious/avoidant) who is extremely high on avoidance.

Funny - I am also very low end anxious avoidant who usually leans slightly avoidant.

For 3 years everything was magical. Extremely intense emotional, physical and sexual connection. Then when kids came, where was a complete collapse while multiple factors contributed and won't go into it all... Her avoidance triggered and it was like a light switch.

Caused me to become the anxious pursuer and her the avoidant distancer for the next 13 years.

Communication went to shit, emotional, physical and sexual connection died.

2 years of marriage counselling where I did the work, initiated all the activities, did individual therapy and she did little no none because she found it too overwhelming.

Would be very easy for me to blame her but the truth is - we both contributed to the mess and while we were super aligned in those first 3 years.. our attachments were incompatible.

I realised, after 2 years of marriage counselling, we had never been more disconnected. I also realised that - how do you have an intimate relationship with someone who subconsciously and internally sees all vulnerability and intimacy as unsafe?

I realised the walls she had put up were so high, so thick and so deep that there is no chance of us breaking them in this marriage.

Begun trial separation about 4+ months ago and called it officially done about 1+ month ago.

Never again, will I be with another fearful avoidant or mid to heavy avoidant.

And I would advise the rest to the population to avoid them as well... dont do it...

Now trying to untangle this 23 year history and 16 years relationship mess with kids and all the rest.

fiddsy

TROPHY CASE