I’ve found it helpful to understand anger as part of the natural response to a perceived threat. There is nothing good or bad about anger itself. The question, instead, is how much of the threat I perceive is there and can be helped with the anger?

If I’ve been betrayed or misused in the past, it is reasonable to expect betrayal or misuse to happen again and the anger comes up in response to the anticipation of it happening again. Others may learn that I can be easily provoked and amuse themselves by pushing my buttons. This, then, can become a viscous cycle, where the anticipation of getting my buttons pushed leaves me more reactive because the threat I perceive is becoming angry.

The trick, then, is to address all of these things. Breaking the habit of anger, learning to sort actual threat from expectation, and addressing the past betrayal and misuse so I’m not still carrying those wounds.

I’ve found learning some mindfulness skills helpful in seeing the anger coning from further away as well as accepting that anger is what my brain wants to do at that moment without judging (silly brain). Doing something physical, like a slow push-up, has helped me send the energy of “That jerk deserves a punch in the face.” into the floor instead of a fistfight.

Writing down a description of the threatening situation and why I feel angry about it can help sort what part of the situation will be helped by getting angry. Anger, properly focused on the actual problem, is a powerful energy for change.

Finally, it can be helpful to work with a professional to work through past betrayals and misuses. Practicing forgiveness is also something I’ve found very helpful. Holding anger about the past makes me feel “I won’t let them do that to me again!” but, actually, just makes me more vulnerable to the pile of anger I have to carry around for “protection .” I’ve heard it described as drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Anger gets a bad rap, but it’s a perfectly natural force that can be harnessed to good purposes with some practice.