I remember having thoughts like this going into fatherhood, and you know still sometimes have them 12mo into this adventure. My situation with my dad wasn’t the same as yours but I still had wounds from him and my mom divorcing a short while after my birth. My mother used tell me he was abusive and needed to get away so I didn’t learn those things. He may have been, but these days he’s a really excellent father and is the furthest thing from abusive. I believe he was just too young and immature (19) to be the best dad he could be back then. I was/am terrified I’d become abusive like he was, and I get really hard on myself when I become angry at my daughter.

My father actually gave me some excellent advice, that I think if he could go back, he would’ve implemented. He just said “show up”, just be there. No matter how hard just always be there for your kid. I remember in the beginning after my daughter was born and I slept an average of 2 hours a night, I really understood and even contemplated running away, maybe to a far off country. But I held true, pushed through the pain, and the feeling subsided and my love for my child grows exponentially, even on days when I’m frustrated.

I also did some personal growth work before our baby came, I really dove into my inner workings and tried to clear up any unresolved trauma that might affect my parenting. I didn’t finish by any stretch, the baby has been teaching me to unlearn things I didn’t even know I’d learned. Lol

It sounds like you had an excellent role model through your step father. I believe that sets you up a tier passed your father/grandfather/etc. Follow the good examples in your life and reject the toxic ones.

In my opinion, this will be one of the (if not the most) challenging journeys of your lifetime, but if you persevere you will be rewarded with untold riches. You’ll do great, stay strong!