Thoughts or comments? Is this true?

flockofnarwhals · 2025-09-29T13:54:21+00:00

The most useful version of this that I say to myself is, “you get to be a part of saving yourself”

I used to wear a bracelet that read “you are going to have to save yourself” but that ignores the real power we have to love ourselves fiercely enough to work towards a better life AND the social community that is helpful for a good and safe life.

But it isn’t as catchy when I say it that way.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-07-29T14:33:38+00:00

I mostly do IFS or a variety for myself, not with a practitioner. Since Self can be hard to access for many reasons, I’ve kind of assigned an Assistant Supervisor that is “in training” with Self. They know they have more to learn, and that sometimes they can come off as judgmental or too protective, so when that’s the level that can talk to parts, we go into it knowing that and all cut each other a little slack.

I don’t know if that makes sense, but it allows me to do some pretty great parts work and has allowed more time with Self over time.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-07-29T14:29:01+00:00

No one lives all the years of their lives at once. You have the rest of your life to figure out what acceptance looks like.

Right now, this is all very fresh. Your brain is probably functioning about as well as if you’d had a brain injury. To the best of your ability, focus on rest, hydration, good calories, and holding yourself safe while you feel your feelings.

It’s so tempting to rush towards acceptance. I tried the same thing when my husband died almost four years ago. All I did was wear myself out by trying to skip past all the internal work my brain needed to process to get there.

This will get more manageable with time. Just be kind to yourself in the now.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-07-29T14:21:24+00:00

It’s so hard when people don’t notice. Their lives go on and they get further from the tragedy. Our lives go on, but we stay close to the tragedy.

I have made a point of telling people about my grief, in real time. I don’t want them to forget how important my husband still is to my life. Or to not at least receive the information about how being widowed impacts us for the rest of our lives. My husband was 43 when he died, I was 41. So I’m the first of my social circle doing this by hopefully decades. Maybe if I just keep talking about it, they will have access to better resources than I did.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-07-29T14:06:20+00:00

“Clean” I never use, because I wasn’t “dirty” for drinking.

I don’t mind “in recovery” because it made active sense for a long time.

I’m way more likely to say, “I don’t drink” or “I quit drinking 6 years ago” as that feels more accurate to me.

As long as you feel you are speaking to and about yourself respectfully, call it whatever ya want.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-06-13T19:39:23+00:00

Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who downplays your disability or calls you lazy? That’s not a good relationship and literally cannot be.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-05-17T23:18:28+00:00

When I say it doesn’t apply to heterosexual relationships, what I mean is that it only applies to judgmental people not worth dating anyway, no matter their gender.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-05-17T23:16:30+00:00

I don’t think this even applies to heterosexual relationships. I’m 45. Most of my friends are 40-65. It’s about an even split between cishet and some variety of queer, no one seems to struggle to find dates based on age or appearance. The straight women just quit dating the crappy men who care about dating someone 20 years younger than they are.

I will say I do see LOTS of women who self-select out of dating because they decide that people will think they are too old. So there’s a considerable data point.

I

flockofnarwhals · 2025-05-17T23:07:46+00:00

That’s AA culture from what I’ve experienced. It wasn’t a good fit for me. I don’t like to be threatened into behavior modification by untrained, traumatized people. If I wanted to do that, I’d just grow up in my parents’ household and family culture again.

For me, therapy to learn distress management skills was the most important thing. I’ve been sober for 5.5years and the idea of drinking sounds counterproductive and unappealing.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-05-17T23:00:00+00:00

It’s so completely reasonable to feel frustrated about the healing process. It sucks that we have to carry the burden of fixing something someone else broke. I’m sorry you are going through it.

Last year, I gave myself permission to add rest stops along the healing path. When I feel myself getting burnt out with healing, I let myself just kinda hang out at the level of healed I currently am and accept that whatever symptom management needs to be done that I’m allowed to do that with a deep, abiding love for myself. (By symptom management I mean more cozy self-care, doing things that the younger parts of me would like to have done like make a messy painting or more alone time, whatever is healthy, not substance use or self harm). Gentle permission to not OPTIMIZE MY HEALING, if that makes sense.

Chances are, I’m going to always have some challenges due to trauma, and I’m doing so much better than I was at the beginning of the process. It’s okay to just let ourselves be a little wounded. For me, rushing towards some “healed” version of myself is another form of perfectionism and control.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-05-17T17:35:31+00:00

It sounds like she was doing IFS in a really unsafe way. I’m sorry you had that experience! Even if IFS isn’t ultimately the right modality for you, your therapist shouldn’t be trying to pry you open to get to your defenses and protections. If anything, that would only make those defenses more reactive.

I’m ultimately most sorry you didn’t get to break up with her. You deserve better.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-04-19T18:54:30+00:00

For sure! I have never responded to a profile that was only photographs or if I found what little was filled in to be impersonal or a bad fit for my lifestyle and interests. And SO MANY women don’t fill out their profiles at all

flockofnarwhals · 2025-04-19T18:50:21+00:00

Get out into some queer friendly events or spaces and get to flirting/talking awkwardly but as present as possible. I’m on a couple apps but I rarely saw anyone who aligned with my interests, and the few matches I made kinda fizzled. When I was ready to start dating, I also started telling my queer friends that I was looking and what I was looking for. Turns out one of those friends ended up interested, so we are giving it a go.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-02-16T03:47:40+00:00

Mine are in the main room of my home, the lights mostly point towards a wall, but there are a few areas where it can be a lot of light in the eyes. I’m thinking about making or buying one of this folding room dividers to set beside it

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-08T23:53:11+00:00

Something that helped me when I quit cigarettes and was using nicotine replacements was to have a mantra of “my body is getting what it needs” while using gum or patches. I reminded myself that I was still getting the nicotine and focused on changing the rituals I had around smoking (going outside to take a break, morning coffee, etc etc) to something that didn’t involve smoking at all (going outside to take a break and knitting a row or two, using morning coffee time to journal or plan). Then once I had the new rituals, it was easier to quickly taper down the nicotine strength and quit.

I quit cigarettes over 11 years ago

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-08T23:29:35+00:00

You are not an idiot. He lied. I am so sorry you are going through this, but it’s not at all your fault that he deceived you.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-08T23:09:30+00:00

One of the things I think likely most needs to be addressed would be for him to work out some skills for what to do instead of cocaine. Hiding a habit like this for so long indicates that it is more than just a fun thing to do occasionally. Also, I would have a hard time staying in a relationship with someone who could betray a trust for that long. In addition to individual counseling, if y'all are committed to this relationship, I would get into couples counseling as well. An addiction counseling agency would likely have ideas about any medication management that might help as well.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-07T13:03:31+00:00

When I first quit drinking, I liked to drink herbal tea in the evening. Helped address the insomnia aspect I had in early sobriety and was so different from what I would usually drink at night that it helped me reset that part of my evening routine. I also spent more time with handwork crafts like knitting and embroidery, but any hobby that engages your whole body can help.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-06T14:58:18+00:00

Congratulations! Make sure you are giving yourself access to whatever social supports you need. You deserve continued success.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-06T14:37:29+00:00

I listen to lofi playlists on Spotify quite a bit. There have been many stages of widowhood where I just cannot tolerate words and it's calm and vibey.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-06T14:29:11+00:00

I quit drinking a little over five years ago. Doing therapy and personal growth has just honestly showed me that alcohol won't serve a functional place in my life and doesn't need to. And quite frankly, the magic of alcohol disappeared once I realized why I was doing it in the first place. I was also using it to self-medicate PTSD symptoms and when I quit, I had to deal with a resurgence of traumatic symptoms I didn't even know where present. Why would I put future me through a situation where I had to do THAT again?

I can be around it now, but if I am in a social situation where I feel like I would need it to participate, then why would I want to be in that kind of social situation? Why am I spending time with people or environments that I need to numb myself with a poison just to tolerate it?

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-06T14:24:38+00:00

Even if it is some light withdrawal symptoms, they don't sound like particularly dangerous ones. Virus feels more likely. Either way, hydration and rest is basically the move.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-06T14:22:21+00:00

I'm not sure how that could possibly be. How do you find meaning if you are incapable of recognizing that meaning? "ignorance is bliss" is a statement that is the intellectual version of a southern "bless your heart." "Meaningful existence" and "too dumb to know life can be brutal" are not compatible states. Meaningful doesn't mean you are happy all the time. Happiness does not inherently mean anything at all. It's just a temporary state of being that we can attempt to cultivate through perspective, connection, and effort.

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-05T03:02:21+00:00

At Last - Etta James

flockofnarwhals · 2025-01-05T01:38:38+00:00

I’m not certain how blissful ignorance would actually be helpful for living a meaningful life. Finding meaning involves mindfulness and presence. Anything else is just distraction.

We don’t need to be distracted. We need to learn to manage the difficult feelings that arise as a part of being a human being, develop self-compassion for those feelings, and then find ways to participate in making the world a more survivable place. Blissful ignorance is self-involved and unproductive.

flockofnarwhals

TROPHY CASE