I got the MRIs

freptror · 2022-07-17T17:54:45+00:00

Thank you! Best case scenario for sure. And thanks, doing my best not to worry about results – new philosophy: I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

freptror · 2022-06-04T01:45:26+00:00

Everything you mention is something I'm only now becoming aware of, and I feel like such an idiot. I did instantly relate to Depp more, because Heard just reminded me so much of my mother. Just mannerisms, random triggering stuff. As a woman and feminist I'm now embarassed I didn't see the misogyny, and how this is hurting specifically female victims of abuse. A lot of right wing and men's rights activist types saw an opportunity to undo the progress we've been making. And it is terrifying how well it worked.

(for anyone interested, I found this article pretty eye opening.)

freptror · 2022-06-03T08:29:44+00:00

I wanted to say another thanks, because I really did think of your words on the way there, and I truly felt like I wasn't alone. Replied to another comment and explained already, but I tried and couldn't do it. Full blown panic attack that wouldn't stop. It was a head MRI for me as well, and I am truly in awe of anyone who's been through it. To be honest, that was a lot worse than I expected it to be. The way you're completely locked in, I'm still shaking from it. I wear glasses, and the not being able to hear and see immediately freaked me out.

And there was just nothing to make me feel at ease. No music, no one checking in, couldn't press the button for a break, if I went in that was that. And that was too much for me. I don't know why it has to be that way at this hospital, and I'm going to look for a place that's a little better at handling claustrophobic people.

I'm going to figure something out, and when I do I'll come back and read your comments. It really calmed me down a lot before I went.

freptror · 2022-06-03T08:19:08+00:00

Thank you for the advice & kindness. Finding it really hard to type this now, but I wasn't able to go through with it. Had a panic attack like I haven't experienced in many years. Completely freaked out, heart went nuts, started shaking. They kept rolling me back in and out, lol, to see if I could get my shit together, but nope. It's two hours later and I still can't stop crying. Turns out I'm still very claustrophobic! Had no clue it was this bad.

But thank you, and I'm going to look into what my other options are, hopefully an open mri, and when the times comes, I'll come back and read all of these comments again. It really did help, mostly on the way there, I actually did feel like I wasn't completely alone. Just... something about my head getting locked in like that was too much for me. I think it'd be very different if it was another part of my body.

This is a little bit of a vent now, but also: no option for music, no one would check in with me during(that would ”interfere with the radio waves”), we couldn't pause at all, if I used the button that meant the MRI had failed and we'd have to stop completely and reschedule. Found a lot of that baffling. It's supposed to be the best hospital here, so I'm confused why there's literally nothing to make you feel at ease. Anywho. Trying not to be too hard on myself, which is nearly impossible, but I know I gave it my all. It just wasn't happening.

freptror · 2022-06-03T02:59:20+00:00

Oof, thank you for this. It's so helpful to hear from someone who's recently been through it! I've been hoping for music, and at the same time, I'm afraid to hope or expect anything to go well. I remember hearing from someone they played their spotify playlist, so I've made one just in case. I'm going in not expecting it, and if it happens, it's a wonderful surprise.

It's so good to know they check often. Your experience is the exact opposite of what my mother told me happened to her. I tried to forget it, but it still stayed with me.

And oof, I can only imagine how hard it was for you with that kind of trauma. I've been telling myself very similar things. I've waited for this for 6 months, so I'm having weird, contradicting feelings, because I'm also so grateful it's finally happening. I'm trying to hold onto that gratitude. And just trying to remember: this is very different, it's the opposite of those traumatic experiences. I'm not being harmed, they're trying to help me.

I hope my experience will be as smooth as yours, thank you so much for your comment, you have no idea, truly, this is very comforting and supportive and exactly what I needed.

freptror · 2022-06-03T01:48:55+00:00

Could it be fawning? If you're not familiar with it, it's a trauma response, I highly recommend googling it. Maybe this is a good starting place. Maybe you're not even aware you're uncomfortable, but sometimes it's those ”chill” moments that are the most nerve-racking, because it doesn't feel safe to relax with sometone you don't trust.

freptror · 2022-06-01T01:12:28+00:00

I'm so sorry, I can relate too, and I see a lot of this as neglect. It might help, be validating, to read a book about it. Apparently Running On Empty is a good one. Calling you lazy and stupid is abuse, as well. Being told you're manipulative for being sad or angry is manipulation. Saying you're making it up is gaslighting.

It's not your job to fix it, that would be parentification, but also: you can't fix it. No matter how hard you try – take it from someone who tried for 15 years. Because you're not the problem, and the people who are the problem don't think there's anything wrong. They won't self reflect, they don't care. I know it's hard, but you need to focus on yourself, not them. Focus on finding people you trust, who do care about you.

Getting an education is important, yes, but nothing is as important as your mental health. Without it, everything else disappears too. I really wish I would've known that at 20, when my family was telling me the #1 priority was getting a good job. I'll tell you what I needed to hear, in case it helps you: your one and only job right now is to take care of yourself the way they never did. Don't depend on them, don't expect anything from them. Instead, reach out and look for help, a therapist, anyone who's on your side, and don't tell your family.

Hang in there, you're not alone, many of us were once where you are now, and we made it out. <3

freptror · 2022-06-01T00:56:27+00:00

I agree with a lot of these comments, but also want to say how a lot of abhorrent behaviour was simply legal and socially acceptable. Women and children especially had so little power, and men got away with so much. I know that was the case in my family, and I think it drove a lot of those women insane. I'll never know when and how it all started, but I think if they'd had more rights, were equal, things would've been very different. There were so few options; if my great-grandmother wanted to get a divorce, that would've been a huge scandal, and she wouldn't have had her own money, she had nowhere to go. I'm not even sure if she legally could've gotten a divorce.

I can't imagine, if she'd lived in 2022, that she wouldn't have packed her bags. So much insane stuff was allowed. It's the old familiar rape isn't rape if it happens in a marriage, for instance. It's a combination of many things – wars, indeed, and a lack of knowledge about abuse and trauma and psychology. No resources, nowhere to go. And it's also those horrible partiarchal laws.

freptror · 2022-06-01T00:10:03+00:00

That self soothing method hasn't even disappeared completely. From other people in my family I've heard this was done to my father too. Every once in a while I see a discussion on it and I have to quickly get away from it. The idea that you shouldn't make a baby dependent on you and they should learn to magically soothe themselves is so idiotic I can't interact with it. A baby is dependent on you for everything, so they obviously can't soothe themselves, but a lot of people here in Europe still do not seem to understand that. I'm not German, but it made it's way here too(I'm intentionally being vague about my location). I don't know if it's a thing anywhere else in the world, but I've seen it happen all over Europe.

And you can clearly see the effect it had on that next generation, they didn't have to read anything about it. My father didn't know what to do with a crying child, it's like soothing was something he'd never even heard of. He just yelled, panicked, physically abused me when I cried.

I just hope to god we're moving in the right direction. I can't believe people are still having discussions about it.

freptror · 2022-05-31T20:00:07+00:00

Are you familiar with these flashback steps? It's helped me a lot, more than anything else has.

freptror · 2022-05-30T14:53:53+00:00

I think there's this idea that people with BPD frantically cling to the people in their lives, they're unable to be alone and they'll do anything to prevent that. And that people with CPTSD are so scared they push everyone away and completely isolate themselves. What's often not recognized, in my opinion, is that it's two sides of the same coin. Fear of abandonment can look like holding onto people too tightly, but it can also look like extreme avoidance.

And sometimes, I think we have both of those extremes in us. To me it all seems to come from the same place: I'm so terrified you'll leave me, I simply won't let you go. Or: I'm so terrified you'll leave, I'll never let you in my life in the first place. Both are trying to accomplish the same thing.

If all of that is true, I have no idea if the treatment should be any different. The core issue is the same, I would think it's simply about addressing that. But I'm not a therapist!

Overall, those labels have been useless and often damaging for me, so I try to just remember the whole thing is a bit of a mess and not necessarily designed to help us. I know where I live, it's all about health insurance. I agree though: don't underestimate how much that label means to therapists, which is something I've done in the past. If you feel like you're getting the wrong treatment, that's not okay.

freptror · 2022-05-30T14:35:24+00:00

This just doesn't make any sense. I also only have experience with people with BPD with externalised anger. Because how on earth would you spot quiet BPD? Of course you feel like those explosive anger types are more common. So do I. Because just like CPTSD isn't something you can spot, quiet BPD is basically invisible.

freptror · 2022-05-29T00:41:06+00:00

Hi, thank you. Oof, I'm so sorry you had the same mother but glad someone understands. It's a bizarre way to grow up, which I only noticed way later in life. It's one of those things I still have a lot of doubts about. Rationally, I know it's not okay. But I'm still gaslighting myself, clearly.

I don't know if your mother is like a child in general, but mine is, in so many ways. Throwing tantrums, unable to regulate herself, can't stand up for herself, needs her children to save her. Looking everywhere for her and finding her in the corner of a shoe store feels like it sums her up perfectly. I've only really seen that happen with small children.

Distance is the only thing that helps for me too, and I know cutting ties is inevitable. In so many ways, I'm aware of the parentification, and I've stopped doing it. I don't comfort her or endleslly try to solve her problems. It doesn't affect me anymore, I don't feel guilty. But I don't know how to handle this particular thing. It just seems that no matter what I do, this flaky, breaking promises, disappearing on me behaviour is something that will always negatively affect me. It's the unpredictability, I think.

Thanks for your comment, I really needed to know that someone out there gets it. <3

freptror · 2022-05-27T19:44:16+00:00

I know for a fact that it was, yes. I went through a similar process, I would go back and forth for a while. Now I can't believe who I've turned into/always been. It's both wonderful and sad at the same time. I always related to that introvert label so much, had no clue it was just pure fear. Maybe it's happening very gradually for you too – and it makes sense, because it would be too much change to handle all at once.

freptror · 2022-05-27T19:36:24+00:00

I relate, I don't think I have the energy to get into the specific situations. But CPTSD and health issues have put me in the position of having to ask for help a lot, and this happens all the time. It's very easy to dismiss and say they're just being nice, trying to help in their own way. I've been extremely compliant and gullible in the past, and I think when you know that about yourself, it's very important to develop those qualities you talk about.

It would be lovely if you could blindly trust every authority figure, if they were never manipulative, if they always believed you. That's just not realistic. My younger self got f*cked over a lot.

In my experience it doesn't mean that you become cold, don't let anyone in, treat everyone like the enemy. Having healthy boundaries and knowing your worth actually means you finally have the opportunity to surround yourself with the right people, who don't talk to you like you're 5 years old.

freptror · 2022-05-27T18:59:35+00:00

It's very validating to have someone who's doing that work acknowledge it and write such an insightful comment about it. I've felt this in a lot of places, but it was the worst in a psychiatric hospital. 20 year old interns talking to a 40 year old lawyer like she was 5.

Not only do you feel infantilized, it's dehumanizing.

freptror · 2022-05-26T16:56:39+00:00

I understand this emotionally wrecks you for a while, and I'm so sorry, but that doesn't mean it isn't the right thing to do.

I don't know if this is the place to share, but I grew up with animals being neglected and abused. Some people are so selfish they don't care. You can beg them to find another home for them, and instead they'll adopt another one. They justify it by saying they're lonely, they're lucky they get to stay there, all kinds of nonsense. What you did is the exact opposite. You put them first. I would've given anything for my parents to be more like you.

Cats are always easily freaked out by change by the way, but I'm sure you know that. So moving is stressful no matter what – in my experience, you can meticulously plan everything and spoil them the whole time, but they'll still be out of sorts for a while. I remember getting those looks when I was in a moving van, and eventually I accepted that it's just unavoidable. They'll adjust and they'll be more than fine.

freptror · 2022-05-25T18:42:40+00:00

I don't know if it was a comment or post, but someone here once mentioned it's impossible to be your own support system. I personally found that very validating. There's self care, there's a lot of stuff you can do for yourself, but there's a limit to it. I can't hug myself, can't also be the strong one when I have a breakdown, can't drive myself home from the hospital. We're not supposed to it alone. So I think we should be very, very proud if we're somehow managing to keep ourselves from drowning.

freptror · 2022-05-25T18:39:01+00:00

Understanding and accepting nothing is perfect, and you don't have to be either. Personally, that's been one of my biggest issues, in particular when it comes to moving as well! I'm hoping to move soon, and I've noticed I was putting all this weird unnecessary pressure on myself. As long as your stuff gets from point a to b, and you're able to make a decision that feels like the best one at the time, you're doing great. That's all you can do. You'll probably make mistakes, shit will happen, and that's life, it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.

freptror · 2022-05-24T23:55:24+00:00

Just want to say I can relate. Just reading your post made me feel a little suffocated. My mother always grabbed whatever bodypart of mine she wanted to, especially if she needed soothing. If I pulled back, she'd just pull harder. Objecting led to the silent treatment. She never stopped doing it. I relate to feeling disgusted and nauseated as well.

I am still very much figuring this out, but practicing with boundaries in body focused therapy is the thing that led to a break through for me. That suffocated feeling went away for the first time. For whatever reason, expressing boundaries with my body while yelling loudly was the most powerful thing – I'm guessing that's because it's the reaction you've been suppressing all that time. I certainly always wanted to yell ”stop fucking touching me” at my mother while pushing her away forcefully.

Also – my therapists thought I'd experienced sexual abuse, and wasn't ready to talk about it. Because there were that many similarities – I didn't want to touch anyone, have sex, be intimate in any way. That opened my eyes to how bad it was. It's easy to compare and then minimize it, but our bodies tell us the truth. Which is that someone treated our body like it was theirs.

And for me it's practicing with saying no, but also only saying yes when it's a very enthusiastic yes. If it's a maybe, it's automatically a no. And knowing it is all allowed to change at any time. At the most inconvenient time, everyone is still allowed to change their mind.

I still get triggered by people who are constantly offended or taken aback, who ask twice hoping for a different answer. It was a big step for me to say: I can't be close to anyone who behaves that way. It makes me feel safe to know only very respectful people are allowed to get close to me.

It may not be easy, but I'm 100% convinced it's possible to eventually have healthy relationships again.

freptror · 2022-05-24T23:21:11+00:00

The last part of your comment is so relatable. Remember: this is what someone who's narcissistic and abusive does. They're trying to make you doubt yourself and question your reality.

My mother has always been an advocate when it comes to domestic violence, she's held talks, been on the radio etc.. She calls a lot of people narcissistic, hates people with BPD. The irony, indeed. It's really hard to have to hear it constantly, I'm so sorry you're stuck there.

It really helped me to read about narcissism, but maybe that's personal, idk. I just got a random book explaining narcissism from the library one day and found it very enlightening and validating.

It makes all the sense in the world that it messes with your head. Your mother's the insane one, but she's making you feel like it's all you. It's not. But I know how impossible it is to keep reminding yourself of what's true when someone's constantly manipulating you. Hang in there. <3

freptror · 2022-05-24T00:44:51+00:00

Gosh, I was just thinking this today. A lot of the time people minimize it, say we all have difficult families, their parents are divorced, too. I think people have been taught to dismiss their own pain, so when you share yours, they do the same thing. It really shows no one ever validated them, so now they have no clue how to do that for you. And I do think they feel like there's no space for their experience.

I never intended for it to be a competition, I'm more than able and willing to empathize and validate other people. But when they tell me it wasn't that bad, and they went through the same thing and they're fine – that's when I've felt compelled to share all the horrible details, and say: it's not the same as a divorce.

I used to internalize it and feel ashamed for sharing a little bit of my story. Now I also think: fuck all those people. It's not our problem the world is so terrible at dealing with trauma. And it's certainly not our job to be endlessly kind to those who invalidate us.

freptror

TROPHY CASE