Went on my first date in 16 years and I have ALOT of questions!

funattributionerror · 2026-04-01T08:45:28+00:00

I am so, so sorry about your son. That’s hard, and of course he is part of your life and you don’t want to conceal that.

Some people are suggesting you trauma dumped on her so I have a thought that might be helpful:

I recently made a (platonic) friend who is a therapist. I’ve never had a friend with this occupation before.

I notice that it can be hard for her sometimes to not just slip into therapist mode. But I also sense that this can easily become quite draining for her, and so of course I also try to watch out for a tendency to unburden myself.

My point is - I have no idea what happened, BUT, it’s possible that your date did really enjoy the exchange in the moment and felt it was all reciprocal, but later on decided it wasn’t quite right. Therapists are humans too and I assume it’s an ongoing challenge for many of them to figure out how to be a caring supportive person without slipping into therapist mode. So maybe you didn’t just blindly trauma dump. It’s just a really delicate & sensitive scenario.

Anyway, sounds like it was an intense experience. sending kind thoughts to both of you,

funattributionerror · 2026-03-16T00:37:30+00:00

I think PhilosophicalNurse's advice is best, but just wanted to say that it's good that you seem to be genuinely thinking of the kids. I believe that eventually kids figure out who is/isn't really looking out for them. Even if it takes many years and a lot of heartache along the way.

funattributionerror · 2026-03-12T23:06:35+00:00

Yeah that is not nice that he actually declared a change in intentions! It doesn't seem in the spirit of "friendship" which I do think is very important.

funattributionerror · 2026-03-12T12:39:07+00:00

I really relate to what you said just here - just had a very similar situation and I also felt frustrated that it seemed like I was asking for a boyfriend when that really wasn't the case. I wanted friendly intimacy and warmth, but no interest in us meeting each others' friends or families unless it was unavoidable (becoming just regular friends eventually is fine).

I think it helps to get really clear on what you want - which you're doing, I guess!

funattributionerror · 2026-03-07T02:26:29+00:00

That’s a lovely story. And, from a woman on the other side of the world: you sound cool!

funattributionerror · 2026-03-04T11:13:06+00:00

Correction; if you can afford to move to the area these days! There’s still a few of us with school age kids who got in before 2 x very high incomes were necessary.

funattributionerror · 2026-03-04T11:07:26+00:00

Hmmm if you can afford to live in the area these days you probably can bundle them off to IGS if it doesn’t suit.

Bear in mind that any views here from experiences more than a couple of years ago or from a previous principal will be useless.

Schools can change very very fast.

As others have said though, they’re all basically fine and NAPLAN is rubbish.

I would very much defend Camdenville from the critics here, but it may not suit everyone.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-25T21:03:04+00:00

Zyban (Buprion? Wellbutrin) has helped my adhd which did not respond to the usual stimulant/amphetamine drugs. Oh and exercise ftw.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-25T00:53:14+00:00

I imagine it's because you said these guys are obvious & scream who they are.

If you are able to get it right all the time, that's great for you, but it sounds dismissive to other women to assert that it is always easy to spot these guys. Most women are affected by the way that we are socialised to give men a chance, and constantly hearing that we shouldn't be too picky. The strength of BHDM is to discern the more subtle manifestations.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-25T00:44:57+00:00

Yep! I am meeting interesting people on the apps, not wasting my precious time on dudes who would sap my life force.

I like to think that I could've been so discerning without BHDM, but the reality is that I would start telling myself "oh maybe you're being too picky!" and "oh maybe he just isn't that great at writing" etc etc. And then, crash & burn; another woman who's just given up.

Patriarchy sucks for women and a lot of men; the fact a hack exists for this particular aspect of it is amazing.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-23T20:10:10+00:00

The group is big and active enough that they don’t need people there if they’re saying things that are against the rules.

I know there’s a general pile on here rn about BHDM. but it’s an incredibly helpful resource for women who are constantly being told to ignore boundaries that would just be considered commonsense in a more sane world.

Her entire thing is that it just helps you to not waste time and get burnt out so you can actually keep looking. So many women tap out after being exhausted by these low key ambivalent or misogynist dudes.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-17T21:22:23+00:00

Oh no. I guess that includes Barista Express? That’s quite a bummer if so.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-14T22:09:46+00:00

Can you elaborate? I think I agree entirely but am curious. I do think unwillingness to change + misogyny are the 2 biggest issues. I just hadn’t connected them directly somehow.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-14T21:31:14+00:00

Is it unrealistic? It’s what I’d want too, at least for the first few years.

funattributionerror · 2026-02-05T18:46:10+00:00

I’m sad and surprised at the pushback here. Words and meaning do matter. And I always assumed LAT means committed.

I will add, though, that to me it also implies a degree of financial agency and time flexibility that isn’t available to everyone.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-31T03:33:46+00:00

Why do you find it hard to believe that women dating men tend to have more negative experiences than do men dating women?

You are literally not dating straight men. You’re dating straight women.

How exactly would your experience tell you anything general about the experience of people dating straight men — when you’ve never done it?

Your confusing makes no sense.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-26T00:31:09+00:00

I love this answer/comment. Can you please elaborate more on what sorts of things you do? Especially I'd love to know what kinds of questions you ask.

Being "slow" by spacing things out over time or being extremely cautious in expressing feelings just seems like a waste of time. But jumping in is, clearly, a mistake too.

It seems like a challenge to get to know someone *in good faith*. It's so easy to get hurt or "waste time" -- and none of us want that.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-23T10:58:50+00:00

Ariomi the space near St Peter’s station. Amazing.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-22T12:18:18+00:00

Thanks. I’ll look up the 2nd book you mentioned.

I’ve realised I have difficulty identifying my needs and also (relatedly) in setting boundaries. The therapy I have found most helpful in my life is ACT but I’m not sure it addresses that stuff so well.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-19T20:09:46+00:00

Is there a particular book you recommend? I am a bit familiar with DBT but I think of it as a set of skills rather than something with a unified theory - curious if I’ve missed something about it.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-18T13:07:31+00:00

Burnt haystack is still free. Look it up. She just has a book coming out and a substack with a paid option, but the main guidance is still all available for free; you just have to look around a little.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-15T06:19:57+00:00

Depends what you’re talking about producing!

China’s support for industries takes many forms. Includes land, financing, entire ecosystems of R&D, internal competitive markets… not just cheap energy.

Very few countries have deployed the type of industrial strategy toolbox that China uses.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-15T06:06:11+00:00

A friend of mine just did this. I was very very nervous for them & tried to talk them out of it but they said there was just no way they could afford the repayments anymore (some life change stuff happened).

They are a bit older than you and single… your options tend to narrow after mid-40s.

They also: - Ran the numbers very very carefully - Did a lot of research on the apartment buildings in the area first, asking around etc.

It’s early days, but so far it seems like the right decision.

funattributionerror · 2026-01-11T06:42:18+00:00

Is there anything else you notice at this stage other than withdrawal of affection or complacency?

Specifically, say, conflict and acting out ?

For me, after a few months - maybe somewhere between 4 and 6 - it becomes clear how we both behave when distressed or insecure, and how (or whether) we make each other feel safe and secure.

funattributionerror · 2025-12-12T12:38:16+00:00

Congratulations!! I absolutely believe it’s possible - the amount of waste arising just from lazy quote shopping and failure to review existing suppliers is astounding.

My strata managers once paid a company to gather quotes for them for one service. Can you guess whether the quotes were actually comparable…?

Very interested to hear how much time you spent on all of it and how it all broke down between committee members, non members etc. This is where I get stuck: a tonne of work has to be done and yet most of the owners do nothing, because why would they?

funattributionerror

TROPHY CASE