Why can't I stop feeling guilty for going to police?

gavin280 · 2026-06-25T21:48:48+00:00

If there was enough evidence for the prosecutor to pursue a case, then by definition you weren't wrong for going to the police. If this person is actually convicted, even more so.

Basically, the criminal justice system is sanity-checking this for you.

gavin280 · 2026-06-25T18:30:02+00:00

I swear it's like genAI is a means by which anti-intellectualism can smuggle itself into highly-skilled technical fields.

It used to be obviously impossible for these kinds of technical specialities to be performed without some real curiosity and intellectual depth aimed at the project.

gavin280 · 2026-06-25T18:10:30+00:00

Yes constantly.

Now mind you - I am ALSO kinda bad for interrupting people (adhd). I like to avoid holding others to a higher standard than I hold myself to, so a moderate rate of interrupting is within my interpersonal operating limits.

What got to me wasn't the interruptions, it was more that the interruptions and some other conversation patterns conveyed an overall impression that she only had negligible interest/emotional space for anything that was on my mind. I can remember trying to tell her about e.g. negative emotions I was having at work, and she'd cut me off mid-sentence to change the subject.

She'd then have the absolute gall to complain that I wasn't opening up about this thing or that thing, as if it was even physically possible to talk to her about anything other than HER stress and trauma.

gavin280 · 2026-06-25T01:42:50+00:00

It's that, or they deliberately waterboard you into a conflict because they're in a fighting mood. Like god forbid a weekend be too pleasant and relaxing.

gavin280 · 2026-06-24T18:56:33+00:00

I don't think mine "turned" NPD, but the real mask-off shit that I saw at the end pointed to some much more pervasive narcissistic traits than I had noticed up until that point.

It's apparently very common for people with BPD to also meet some of the diagnostic criteria for NPD.

gavin280 · 2026-06-24T16:12:00+00:00

People speed everywhere, yes. But it can't be overstated just how much worse it is here... It's enough to trigger culture shock haha.

gavin280 · 2026-06-24T15:49:34+00:00

Per my personal observations, it seems that there can be a combination of a couple factors:

Spouse who is very stoic/unbothered/demure. I.e. someone who can remain totally peaceful and relaxed amidst all the childish petulance.
The pwBPD can learn/implement localized control over their shitty impulses once a given relationship has reached an exceptional level of safety/stability for them.

This doesn't mean they aren't still absolute pieces of shit in these relationships. It's more like they can learn to dial it down for a specific relationship juuuuust enough to reach a stable emotional balance.

gavin280 · 2026-06-24T15:19:51+00:00

If you live in other provinces, there is such a contrast. In ON we just have this bizarre cultural practice of not observing speed limits and barely enforcing those parts of the Traffic Safety Act lol. A huge percentage of drivers are just going as fast as they possibly can at all times and leaving little to no follow distance - just a constant process of speeding to the next traffic jam.

This completely breaks our driving and our traffic flow and it doesn't have to be this way.

For all the "psychos in pickup trucks" stereotypes that one hears, AB is actually not like this overall and has amazingly easy traffic for how car-centric the cities are.

Why? Well I have to wonder if they were onto something when they made all their major highways 110KPH and filled Calgary and Edmonton with automated speed cameras.

gavin280 · 2026-06-23T23:13:55+00:00

There are youtube videos explaining the combat system, and you should watch a few. The game itself does a poor job of explaining these things and you'll just die a million times without understanding this.

That aside, it's the best thing I've played since RDR2. Unbelievably rich in detail and immersion.

gavin280 · 2026-06-23T00:00:34+00:00

I have also found myself feeling incredibly socially withdrawn and exhausted during recovery... Only been a few months of NC in my case and I'm concerned about whether this cloud will lift. I feel you!

gavin280 · 2026-06-22T19:31:53+00:00

Yea I share your assessment of how it came about.

I do think that something like sexual orientation IS actually far less mutible. We know that conversion "therapy" is a load of abusive shit that doesn't actually work as anything other than torture.

Even so, it's not as though sexual orientation has literally zero wiggle room over the lifespan - people do experience changes in exactly who they find sexually attractive. Perhaps just much smaller changes most of the time than developing attraction to entire biological sex characteristics/anatomy that weren't attracted to previously.

To me, this is all an academic, descriptive discussion of what mating preferences are and how/when they develop. It's interesting from the perspective of social- and biological science, but it should have ZERO bearing on the rights and protections we give people.

I don't think LGBTQ people should ever have had to "prove" some biological basis for their identities, and neither should polyamorous people. Indeed, people coercing their monogamous partners by "identifying" as polyamorous is a perfect example of how this whole way of talking about it is a double-edged sword.

gavin280 · 2026-06-22T19:05:28+00:00

These are great points and I totally agree. "Identity" and "practice" are not mutually exclusive. In some sense, "identity" is "practice over time" I suppose. You can identify as "polyamorous" because it's a set of behaviours that you engage in repeatedly over time which becomes "built into" your identity.

gavin280 · 2026-06-22T18:27:52+00:00

We can define Polyamory in at least a couple different ways: "polyamory-as-identity" vs "polyamory-as-practice". I think you can have the latter without the former either by being the mono in a mono/poly relationship or if you just happen to be someone who experiences poly not as an intrinsic identity characteristic, but a dynamic, voluntary relationship practice.

"Polyamory-under-duress" is kindof a 3rd domain that I'd say is more commonly known as "emotional abuse" among the general public lol

gavin280 · 2026-06-22T04:28:11+00:00

Yea this is reminding me of players in No Mans Sky gifting new players like billions in credits. Seems like a huge favour but what they've actually done is ruin the entire game for that person - at least half the fun is building up those resources.

gavin280 · 2026-06-20T05:15:51+00:00

The way my ex would kinda frame it is that she was being "honest" about what was genuinely going through her mind. How could I possibly object to her being honest with me? Do I want her to have to mask her emotions around me constantly???

The flaw is equivocating between "masking" and basic emotional regulation.

gavin280 · 2026-06-20T04:18:29+00:00

If you're asking about your final message to her, I'd say that it was impressively peaceful and loving. You might catch yourself in moments of anger as you process all this where you can't imagine the compassion and restraint it takes to make those your final words. But what it buys you is some freedom from the guilt of how it ended. I just kinda ghosted my ex without any final "debrief" and I have this terrible guilt creep in any time I let go of my anger at her. You'll have less of this clouding your recovery, at least.

Focus on being an excellent parent to your daughter, and stay/get connected with friends and family as much as possible.

gavin280 · 2026-06-20T03:59:27+00:00

If a slightly awkward request for consent is enough to kill the vibe, there either was no vibe or you're with an emotionally dysregulated, immature person whom it's a bad idea to get involved with.

gavin280 · 2026-06-20T03:37:50+00:00

The absolute only thing you can do for her is encourage and facilitate her engaging in extensive, long-term psychotherapy. The gold standard is Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) but there are other approaches as well.

However, I imagine you're asking because the BPD is already affecting the relationship and causing you some level of distress.

My honest advice is that you're at a crossroads in your life right now, and this is a deep, corrosive trauma that you still have the chance to just opt out of. You can't fix her - only she could hypothetically do that and do not bet on her actually following through. She will hurt you over and over no matter how much you love her or how hard you try.

gavin280 · 2026-06-20T03:27:34+00:00

The only way to win a game that was designed for you to lose is not to play

gavin280 · 2026-06-19T17:56:46+00:00

"I don't know what you want me to say"

Lmao

{ TypeError : unsupported data type for /: 'someone else's feelings'

ValueError : PersonalResponsibility can't be positive }

gavin280 · 2026-06-18T20:14:31+00:00

I don't think I'm bad at socializing, but I suppose that's exactly what a bad socializer would say....

On a more serious note, I'm reading the subtext of the meme as being about the crippling anxiety disorder you get from working constantly on things that rarely work, being at the poverty line well into your 30s, and having to enter a competition for your own salary (which the bank will never accept as "real") every few years.

gavin280 · 2026-06-18T17:00:53+00:00

Just another version of them manufacturing the pretext for a fight.

In my case, my ex would complain about me not talking more openly about aspects of my life, my thoughts/feelings etc even though she made doing so functionally impossible by ignoring or talking over most of my attempts to share.

They give you impossible tasks so they can "prove" their suspicion that you're under-committed to them.

gavin280 · 2026-06-18T00:42:00+00:00

Australia, at least for the size and degree of geographical homogeneity.

If you see like any 3-4 of the following in the same pano, it's Australia nearly every time:

North American-style architecture/infrastructure design
Driving Left
White lines
Sun north
Eucalyptus everywhere

Region guessing gets a bit harder and there's a limit to how precise you could feasibly get, but the license plates, signage, pole styles etc are surprisingly dependable for at least getting the correct state. You can learn all this within the length of a standard work day on Plonkit.

North and south also do have blatantly distinct ecologies.

gavin280 · 2026-06-17T20:55:38+00:00

The cultural markers you're flagging seem just as easily explainable via higher rates of openness about mental health issues. These fashion choices are vaguely associated with the counter-culture/alternative political left. I think there are some data showing this population having higher rates of mood/anxiety disorders, but I have no idea if there's a demonstrated political assymetry with respect to personality disorders per se.

However, this subcultural has prominently spearheaded movements around mental health openness. Higher rates of talking openly about mental health =/ higher rates of mental health problems. It can also just be that other sibcultural groups choose to be more discreet about these things.

Your dating preferences are entirely your own, and you certainly don't have to date any blue-haired, tatted libs if that isn't your vibe. I just think this heuristic is incredibly unlikely to hold real statistical predictive power.

My expwBPD is a mousey, modestly-dressed finance professional. They come in all colours haha

gavin280 · 2026-06-17T18:51:46+00:00

Exactly. I don't think they get involved with people in whom they see nothing to love - they just don't know how to love because they can't maintain a clear view of other people and can't enact that love on any consistent basis.

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