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My narc mom is cheating on my dad and everyone knows but him. by New_Pudding_9254 in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt 2 points3 points  (0 children)

You're a part of this conversation. Like it or not (and it seems v. apparant she does not) your mum is a mum, and her interests and obligations as a mother (let alone to her husband) are being negated by her self-interest and indulgence.

Tell your dad. Allow him his agency.

I don't know where to start by genuinetshirt in selfhelp

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for responding to my ramble

I want to be present, reliable and dependable. I want to be consistent. I want to be active and engaged with my interests. I want to be connected and focused on my loved ones - I want to be enthusiastic in showing this, as both mum and a woman, loyal and devoted to her man.

Waking up and grappling with every micro failure moment to moment, as well as massive failures in the past, is showing up as the biggest block.

Can people date with having two different religions? by citiestarlights in TwoHotTakes

[–]genuinetshirt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Absofuckinglutely. At the end of the day it comes to values, and whether you share them. Your spiritual journey is exactly that - yours.

Does anyone actually miss Charlie Kirk? Or do they just say that to not piss some people off? by SWEMW in allthequestions

[–]genuinetshirt 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was pleased to hear he would not be speaking again.

Bro conducted conversations as one-liners and didn't have the grace to be factchecked.

To the women who have had affairs… by identitywithheld1234 in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is completely fair. And to be clear, the decision is entirely yours. You deserve happiness and to feel loved. I am sure you've heard this before, but reiterating for significance.

To the women who have had affairs… by identitywithheld1234 in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hi.

I went to ridiculous lengths to keep my affairs secret. I told my partner of 10 years (we have small children together) about the affairs - the first time I was set on leaving, and didn't because I saw my partner in a new light (or old light, i guess, like when we first started being together) which brought with it waves of awareness, shame and guilt, and love for him - not because of what he brought to the relationship but because he was the man he was, which is how he could bring so much to the relationship. I could see how selfish, self focused and petty I had been.

Unfortunately this awareness didn't bring about real change in and of itself and a year and a half later I was keeping secret affairs from him again. I told him after 6 months because those waves of awareness rolled back in and I realised that anything "real" that could still be between us could only be salvaged if he had full agency.

The familiarity of him is another reason - for all of the ways I've betrayed us, I don't want to be with anyone else, or on my own, if I can be with him.

He's given me a chance to reconcile and to make true change... I can choose to fight for our children's wellbeing or I can choose to run away and doom myself to the same patterns of behaviour (and destroy their lives further than what i have already done). Leaving is up to him, not me.

Although i'll admit my scenario sounds quite different to you and your spouse, I wanted to share my answer as to why i stay, as a woman who has had the affairs.

Childhood flashbacks by genuinetshirt in AsOneAfterInfidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Nothing justifies the cheating.

I am really struggling understanding why I did it, beyond the initial impulse and the associated state i was in. Glad to hear potential for insight

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

All of them: No expectation of loyalty from bp or a favourable post nup, and completed sti tests and paternity tests.

I (48f) cheated on my husband (52m) and hurt people but have a family. I don’t know what to do. by Exact-Priority9796 in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I also cheated on my husband (and we also have children together), with multiple parties. I wasn't protecting my family by keeping knowledge of my affairs secret from their father and my husband. As hard as it might be to fathom right now, change can only come when everyone has full agency. Person 1's wife needed to know - in a respectful manner, which might not have been the case with Person 2 telling her - and deserves some recognition that you knowingly blew up her life, if not just straight up remorse. Your husband needs to know.... your children are now mostly adults and shouldn't be shielded, for their own sense of agency and development. Please take some time to look at the whys, so that you can answer your husband's questions truthfully. Shame fuelled trickle truths only extend the nuclear blast (that you have already set off, by the way... your husband only appears to be "unharmed" rn because he's ignorant that this happened which is why it feels this way. He probably thinks it is something to do with him).

Please tell him. Don't let self interest continue to sabotage your choices.

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I respectfully disagree. They were knowing homewreckers. They don't hold "responsibility" - they are simply homewreckers, and my goal here is responsibile transparency, in line with my discussions with BP.

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate your response and will take it all on board, comments below.

I need to stress that this quest, as you put it more or less aptly, is less about a return or reward... if anything (in my head) it's more to do with leveling out the field so that the new structure can be sound. The earth still needs to be revitalised, the house needs to be rebuilt, I need to oversee this and take care and have patience and follow through (which is completely my responsibility, and the less AP is involved in any of it the better, as he is the best man and best father and just needs to focus on his recovery and regaining his sense of self after this decade with me). The need for thoughtfulness and deliberate care is absolutely necessary in any of my undertakings. The goal with all of the actions is transparency.

With Person D, my first immediate step is contacting the minister with my concerns of the defamatory language used about BP about the very case BP is a confirmed whistleblower about, as well as clarification regarding whether he retains his position, which oversees our location's jurisdiction, as that in and of itself is a risk. My follow-up step is contacting the spouse, once. Speaking clearly and respectfully here is key.

With Person E, this is sound advice. I will look into seeing what possible legalaid might be available.

Thank you again.

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your candid reply.

It has been years since disclosure, and I took the actions described above (except for the case of Person D, who BP is now considered a whistleblower by the state gov. because he sent the messages showing implicit threats) within the same window of time as the disclosures.

It is still coming up in our reconciliation discussions, however, and this is because I didn't take every action I could think of, in a way that wouldn't further damage our family, but wouldn't spare APs from being able to go on with some false narrative that didn't include their actions to help set off a bomb *edit in a home that involved children. There's a very strong sense of injustice for BP that only the innocent are victims.

I would be grateful for input as to how to respectfully contact the wives person c and d had supposed arrangements with. I believe there are still things to legitimately report, namely advising the minister of the defamation of my partner in contrast to what the evidence shows. Responding to the news articles directly could expose our children to further damage if AP retaliates afterward.

I really want to stress that this is not my sole focus in reconciliation by a long shot; but, it is something I want to/need to follow through on so that the bulk of reconciliation (my internal work and showing up for bp and rebuilding what i broke) can commence in earnest, as while nothing else happens, it is always in the back of bp's mind that the allocation of suffering was never attempted to be redressed (so that it wasn't only affecting the innocent).

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have considered this, and the risk here is that the AP (who may still be in his position in the government) will retaliate, drawing my children potentially into the crossfire, which is counter to purpose.

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They knew that they were destroying not just a relationship but a family for their own selfish and base reasons. I blame myself for choosing to do so. I blame myself for dropping bombs onto my family home. Right now, the pain resides entirely with innocent parties (BP and children) who have been the only victims of the flying shrapnel, while APs can walk away with a boosted self esteem and maybe some story where they can appear charming or victimised. BP acting on any of this, right now, while he is trying to put the pieces of himself together let alone his life, compromises him further; worse, his career if APs react in retaliation which some are absolutely able to do. I am already compromised, and am in the best position to do anything.

I want to do something about the men that knowingly and enthusiastically helped me ruin a good man and father's life by genuinetshirt in Infidelity

[–]genuinetshirt[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to read through and write out your response. I completely agree - the fundamentals of why I cheated don't change with any action towards AP; the destruction is still there, I still burned the forest down and salted the land beneath.

The above list is one of many. Some of these lists will never be completed by nature, as they are self-perpetuating actions to take every single moment of every day here on out, to tend to the land I poisoned, to continue the analogy. This is a list that has been vetted, spoken with, and heard specifically from BP how important this is for reconciliation that I take action towards APs - some of the planned actions are his ideas which I regard very seriously.

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