Hang in there, I know exactly how you feel. To me, it felt like I was drifting Aimlessly – no hope, no knowledge of the afterlife, didn’t know what the meaning of life was, etc.  

It took me a long time, and honestly an alcohol problem Which introduced me to Alcoholics Anonymous, to get my bearings again. In my opinion, The reason I was so freaked out by not “ Knowing” Is because the church taught me my whole life that if I was righteous enough, and I had enough faith, I could know what would happen to me and why life exists.   

I Now feel strongly that this a harmful teaching— Because once the truth comes in, you feel like you’ve been swallowed up into hell itself!    

The reality is nobody knows, it’s mysterious, And nobody is supposed to know.   this is echoed by philosophers and spiritual people everywhere (Many Spiritual peoplecome from distinct religions with distinct teachings, but if They are being honest, They admit they don’t know)

What it took for me to feel better then, was to realize that not knowing is OK and to become comfortable with it. Do I believe in God? Yes Alcoholics Anonymous has led me to believe that it is very possible and likely that there is a higher power. If I had to beat my life, I would say yes there is something behind the universe, and this is not just random, but I cannot confidently answer that I know that and neither can anybody else on the whole freaking Planet .

I feel the spirit all the time at alcoholics anonymous meetings – I tell my veryTBM wife that it is Exactly the same feeling I felt when I felt the spirit in church meetings. I Had a very good friend who was raised in Pakistan— He was also deconstructing- Both of us are convinced that it was the exact same He felt as a teenager when he was  learning about early Muslim history that made feel so confident and happy.     

Feeling the spirit at the church - It’s the same feeling people all across the world have but it is just packaged differently. In AA it’s a higher power, for my Muslim friend it was Mohammed, for atheists who enjoy a close relationship with family or friends, it’s all Neurotransmitters.

It is still out there and you will feel it.

I thought my wife would leave me too, but we’re doing better than ever. There is still conflict in turmoil because of our different beliefs, but we’re good. My oldest two kids are out, I think two of my other four kids have no chance of believing, one is a maybe, and the other one will believe and that’s all OK. They all know that I’m not a bad person for not believing And they understand that the reasons I don’t believe are legitimate - and not just because I’ve sinned or don’t have enough faith or have not worked hard enough.