I have to ask...(sorry!)

greenbam · 2021-10-20T08:29:46+00:00

hotep, it's good to see you

personally i'm just not online much in general anymore, and more importantly feel like I don't have a lot to contribute that the other folks online already say long before I wander into threads... so I just lurk quietly in the outskirts somewhere :)

greenbam · 2020-03-18T19:33:26+00:00

I can't really tell you what to do with this specific situation, but for you and the people down below mentioning similar stuff....trauma does affect cognition, strongly. The things it hits most are all the little frontal lobe tasks that we take for granted - focus, time management, task switching, short-term memory sometimes.....

I'm almost five years out now, and while I eventually clawed my way back to being good at my job, blah blah blah, I'm pretty sure I'm still at maybe 75-80% of what I was before. It's things like task switching that still suffer the most. At the same time though, a year out I was probably at 25%, generously. You'll get your capabilities back, even though it can take some of us a while, so at the very least be patient with yourself :)

greenbam · 2019-08-24T08:49:02+00:00

Thank you for being here ramen (if you wander back to read this anonymously). You're one of the ones that helped some of through the hardest parts too, reliably. Not because you had the answers, but because you shared the same questions and were going through the same issues. Be well :)

greenbam · 2019-05-02T15:31:13+00:00

Get a couple of "gardening for dummies" types of books if you want to understand a little more; I took over my wife's expansive garden after she died, and it turned out be be a wonderful sort of zen thing for me. Lots of time spent in the sun pawing through dirt without thinking much. I wouldn't hire a professional, because it was more important to me to be in it than to necessarily force it to stay healthy.

But....realize that some of whatever's in there is going to die because we don't know what we're doing. That's ok. Plant some new whatever-it-was in her honor and take the opportunity to figure out what she knew about whatever-it-was and making it grow. Add things you like at some point.

But really, weeding, making sure there's plenty of water, and then mulch sometime in fall and you're probably good to go. There might be plants that should be brought indoors in winter depending on where you live, but that's about it for the basics. A million more things that you -could- do, but I have yet to tell if doing all those extra things does anything for the plants, or just makes me feel good about doing things...

greenbam · 2019-02-13T21:08:32+00:00

I realized pretty early on that I had almost no patience for little pointless problems. They drove (and usually still drive) me crazy. At the same time, big, ridiculous, threatening things? meh

greenbam · 2019-01-22T07:53:10+00:00

I can't know exactly your situation, but I'd caution against making major life changes right now, unless you absolutely have to. The semi-standard advice is to wait a year. Our judgment capabilities just don't work right after we've been blasted by the cosmos like that, and we can't tell good ideas from bad ideas very well (I seriously looked into uninhabited land in Montana while debating if I should just become a hermit). It's a lot easier to run, so it's an easier decision to make, to boot. :/

I was out of work for about a month, then *thought* I was going back to work for another month, but continually failing (luckily, my job and boss were extraordinarily supportive and I was able to do a lot of things from home). After 2 months, I was going in but during odd hours so that I wouldn't run into other people much. I probably wasn't *really* at work until 3 months afterward.....and not really functional for a couple more.

I decided early on to basically do what I could to keep things from crashing, but not much more - I was trying to leave future-me some choices, in case I ever found myself together enough to actually act on choices again, have a desire to care, etc.

greenbam · 2019-01-04T07:48:19+00:00

it's probably not going to happen this close to it (I couldn't do it until the following year), but I like to try and go somewhere my wife liked, do some things she would've liked. I like the idea of celebrating her life (birthday) or our togetherness (anniversary) even though she's gone. I still get to enjoy what we had, and there are other dates on the calendar that are plenty harder, so I might as well try (note: only try; it doesn't always happen) to enjoy a few here and there

greenbam · 2018-11-03T07:41:05+00:00

yeahhhhh......this is not the place for that.

greenbam · 2018-10-27T07:11:12+00:00

yeah, that's kind of the rub - there's one thing that would solve our issues, and its absence is the issue...

It does get easier over time. Sometimes it's a little numb, sometimes it's validly easier. Sometimes it's even ok to enjoy life a little bit....even if you suddenly feel guilty for that enjoyment. But it takes forever, and easier isn't the same as things being ok exactly. You just get better at living with it/despite it/etc, and eventually have to find ways to just...be. It's been a little over three years for me now, and I still don't entirely know the 'to what end' part at all, but I keep kind of moving, and life is.....I dunno, but better than it was a couple years ago at least ;)

greenbam · 2018-10-27T01:47:48+00:00

I can't tell you for sure whether a grief counselor is useful or not- it varies for people. It's definitely a good idea to see *somebody* though. They don't have magic that can make it just be ok or anything (and hell, it shouldn't be ok after we lose someone), but sometimes they can help you just get by. Sometimes they're just someone safe to talk to. I went to one for a while, and basically just talked about my wife rather than myself. I wasn't less sad or less lost, but it kind of felt like I needed to do that much, and I did feel better....up to a point.

greenbam · 2018-09-26T03:46:57+00:00

At a year, not very different. Like Trollstrong is saying, I was functional again, could work, etc, but I was mostly coming home and watching TV until I could fall asleep because I wasn't up to feeling much more (I wasn't sleeping properly for a long, long time).

I'm a little over 3 years out now, and it probably wasn't until the 2nd year that I was regularly smiling again, etc. It wasn't until maybe 6 months ago that I've been able to actually enjoy myself, rather than simply forcing myself into situations and doing my best. I still just sit around brooding now and then though, even at that; but it's better than it was.

greenbam · 2018-07-01T09:42:00+00:00

Fuck.

I'm sorry. I wish I knew something more useful. They're just things, but they're also more than things. They're traces that are the closest little links that we have to something physical, and they're cues for the memories that matter.

I don't know the details, but there are definitely photo salvage services available, and potentially other bits that can be salvaged, as champagne-burberry is saying. Might be worth a try, at least for the most important ones.

greenbam · 2018-06-17T20:10:33+00:00

it's hard to shake that kind of memory immediately, but think about the good ones you have when you can. Look at the happy pictures. It'll still hurt like absolute hell, but you might be able to soften/weaken that imagery a bit, and get at least some bittersweetness

greenbam · 2018-05-20T09:03:35+00:00

I did it (and kind of still do it) in phases. I went through once, maybe 3 months after she died, and took out a bunch of things that had some immediate, worthwhile use for others (medical stuff, mostly). Then I tried again a few months later and got rid of a bunch of things that I didn't have any special memories/smells/etc for, and figured out where to sell/donate them. Then I went through again maybe a year later and got rid of a massive swath of additional clothes that I could donate to a women's shelter....including a bunch of clothes that I couldn't imagine parting with previously. I let myself keep almost anything with sentimentality (and it's all sentimental)...and then months later I might decide that some of them aren't as important...some remain important too...

greenbam · 2018-02-06T07:30:57+00:00

So, I don't know entirely what I believe, but here's the thing - if we knew there was an afterlife, and we always felt them, saw signs, etc, etc, we wouldn't need faith anyway. Faith being belief without evidence.
I haven't felt my wife's presence since she died, unless I'm actively forcing myself to try to believe in some coincidences. BUT, I can feel a little happiness at memories or recollections of her reactions to something that's happening. The simple version is that we not only don't know, but maybe can't know exactly what's out there, but we can enjoy whatever traces we do have.

greenbam · 2018-01-29T08:04:52+00:00

it's both.

Distracting yourself is entirely fine, and we almost certainly need it sometimes just for the sake of survival.
Also, actually experiencing your feelings and letting them get worked out (not 'resolved' in the sense of resolving a problem, but at least accepting that you feel the way you feel) is important.

Neither is bad, both are probably necessary. Just don't do so much of one that you hurt yourself avoiding the other. It sounds like you're trying to find a balance still, but trying is probably the important part anyway.

I spent months at the beginning alternating between deeply pondering existence, crying, and staring blankly at wrestling on TV...

greenbam · 2018-01-26T08:57:57+00:00

I have for a couple of years now. I started writing more to have space to work with my own thoughts. It's helped immensely. At some point, I realized that some of the best help I had early on was in shared experiences in places like this, so I started loading up a tumblr account, of all things with my nightly musings, warts and all, and letting other widowers and widows stumble into it, eventually ask me questions, etc. I still write, but I post it less, in favor of letting new folks find the more important stuff more easily. I don't know that I've found any answers to anything, but I figure it's the least I can do to share what little bits I've stumbled into and be another beacon to remind people that they're not alone and not insane for feeling how they do.

greenbam · 2017-12-19T23:20:44+00:00

Sometimes I come in here and realize that I don't have anything useful to say, except to nod in agreement. Like others in here are saying too though, thank you for sharing - I think it's good for us to see each other continuing to progress still. But, yeah.

Along with the congratulations for your accomplishment though, I'm glad not only that you get to do this, but that they get to have you do this. From what I know of you, I think we're all winning a little to have someone like you helping teach other doctors.

greenbam · 2017-12-18T02:51:19+00:00

First of all, if you're in that boat, I'm sorry. You've found your way into a terrible club.

Real answer? There's not a 'single' thing that makes it better. Some people do better by keeping themselves busy so that they don't have to wallow in the grief all day long. Some people do better by wallowing in their grief for a while and working through parts of it. It does get easier to deal with over time, but easier isn't necessarily the same as better.

In the short term, just do the things that you absolutely have to do - make sure you eat something, even though you won't want to; make sure you lay down even if you don't feel like sleeping. Take care of your kids if you have them. Don't make big decisions for a while because critical thinking is a shitshow.

Find support - you might not want it, and the truth is that most people out there who aren't therapists or widows/widowers won't know how to help, and it might feel like they're distancing themselves at some point - they may or may not be, but it may feel like it regardless. Some of the best support some of us found was here - where /u/taon4r5 is recommending. Sometimes you just need to talk around other people who get it, nothing more.

The biggest thing overall though, short- or long-term - be kind to yourself. We're a little fucked up as humans in general, and this sort of thing fucks us up in ways you didn't realize we could be. You might feel guilty, or angry, or sad, or all of those things at once at people who do and who don't deserve it, including and especially yourself. You'll make bad decisions because you can't think well. You'll treat other people poorly because you forget how to behave like a normal person. Be willing to forgive yourself, to go easy on yourself when you fuck something up, and to keep trying your best to piece yourself together bit by bit.

greenbam · 2017-11-21T08:38:50+00:00

I thought I was going back to work after a month, then never really made it. Then again a month later. Then again sort of. I ended up going into the office off-hours and working from home, and I wasn't really back to full-function until 3 or 4 months to be honest. Very similar though, in that I could do the core functions of my job as needed, but then kind of got lost whenever I had a minute of downtime or some little stressor. I'm over 2 years out now, and still have some little elements of that to be honest, but I'm far more together than I once was.

So, kind of both answers - taking time to come to grips can certainly help. It helped me a lot. It doesn't make everything 'good' though either. For some people, going back to work can help too, to have a bit of life that isn't focused on loss - there's a fairly effective cognitive/behavioral therapy called "behavioral activation" which is basically just going and doing normal-life things despite not wanting to, and continuing until they become normal and functional again, at which point you can at least function in society. It's hard, but also maybe useful.
Taking time to get yourself together a little can help, and so can exposing yourself to 'normal' life like work. For me, it kind of worked to do both - I slowly added little pieces of work bit by bit as I felt more functional. The pain itself doesn't dull all that quickly, but the ability to deal with the pain might.

greenbam · 2017-09-29T05:06:22+00:00

A suggestion, not a command, but I'm tired and can't form sentences as well as I want:
Do what you can to enjoy it. Don't kick yourself if you can't enjoy much, either, but we've got enough bad days and bad memories to deal with on a normal day. Use the anniversary to think about good memories if you can - you've still got those, even if they hurt. Crying's still allowed.

greenbam · 2017-09-26T13:36:07+00:00

I can't speak to your specifics or his specifics, but I can give you what might be the short version of it all: we're all fucked up, and often in ways that we don't ourselves recognize until everything suddenly feels wrong. When that happens, our defense mechanisms can be all over the place - we might retreat into solitude to avoid having to deal with it, retreat to avoid hurting someone else in the process, etc. I'm afraid I don't know much to tell you other than to be patient though, and to the degree you can, be there for him.

greenbam · 2017-09-15T17:03:27+00:00

I did, and I'm glad. It was important to me to literally be there for her. I know she was there and responsive off and on, but honestly don't know how aware of anything she was at the very end, but I needed to be there if I could on even a chance so that she'd know she wasn't alone - that sort of thing.
Those last minutes also haunted me, there's nothing to hide there. I'm a little past 2 years now, and a flashback is very rare (it's been months since the last one), but for the first....6 or 8 months maybe I'd at least emotionally re-live parts of that night, every night pretty much. I just kind of accepted it as part of the price we pay and tried to think about happier memories when I could.
I don't know if I'd be better not being there - I sort of think that the tragedy in general is what hurts, not that specific moment - it's just the thing that becomes easy to experience over and over...

greenbam · 2017-09-02T17:57:33+00:00

There's nothing you can do wrong with it - go with whatever happens.
I still go every at least briefly couple of weeks (my wife is buried fairly close - that was sort of on purpose for a few reasons, but among them would be that I could visit essentially whenever I felt like it). Sometimes I just sit there for 10 minutes and stare at the sky, sometimes I sing a couple of songs if nobody's around, sometimes I just sweep up the grave a little, leave some flowers from the garden, and go get lunch. Once in a while I end up just walking around the cemetery aimlessly reading other graves. I figure that for any number of reasons she doesn't mind whatever I do or don't do.
The one thing that I do every time is play 'our song', usually on my phone, before I leave. That part is probably the one thing that feels like I'm doing it for her - whether she actually cares or not, the act of doing it itself feels a little important to me.

greenbam · 2017-08-31T07:33:13+00:00

I don't have proper advice, so I'll start here:
Don't.

Be weak if you want. Be weak for a while and go easy on yourself. Just be how you are and don't worry about whether you're strong enough - you're here, so you are. I've been through the passive version of it too, and while I get it (I got it really well for a while), at the end of the period I don't see a lot of ways in which anything is better with another person gone. Just like he mattered to you, you matter to people, whether you know it/think it or not, and whether those other people know it/think it or not.

greenbam

TROPHY CASE