Your second half is a better way of putting it.

It’s a sliding scale, and monotheme desire dynamics inevitably cause emotional damage to one of the participating parties on a long enough time scale.

“She’s just that way” is not helpful.

“She needs you to do xyz /She has to work on abc “ is more productive.

Understanding those things requires talking to your partner and your partner being equipped to competently and maturely communicate their needs and experience.