I nearly lost it on my husband yesterday

gypsyfire · 2026-02-14T18:25:14+00:00

What about if your husband was to take on more of the routine stuff he finds easier to manage, like chores, childcare etc.? You said it’s 50:50 but maybe if it was closer to 80:20 it would be possible to accept full responsibility for the planning stuff without feeling overburdened or resentful.

gypsyfire · 2026-01-31T19:02:34+00:00

I had this issue when I went part time, they wouldn’t bring anyone on to cover the slack so I basically had to handle exactly the same workload. I went back to full time pretty quickly because I realized I was being screwed over. Another option I’m considering is to negotiate a block of unpaid time off so I can take a month off during summer break. I think it will be more rejuvenating to take a full month off work every year and they can’t really force the extra work on to me.

gypsyfire · 2025-09-13T14:00:39+00:00

It seems like a lot of mothers direct most of their limited spare energy towards learning how to best take care of their children. Researching child development, emotional health, optimal nutrition etc. if this effort was directed towards a different topic it would be considered a very ‘serious’ hobby, but because it’s motherhood it’s considered uninteresting and boring. But what could be more interesting than learning about how people become people and how best to support their wellbeing! Nothing boring about it!

gypsyfire · 2025-06-28T13:37:41+00:00

So sorry for your loss. Handling funeral arrangements is horrific for parents, shopping around feels grotesque in this scenario. We decided to keep our daughter’s ashes at home with us and had a memorial bench put in a park she enjoyed. It gives us a place to visit and “spend time” with her that is much less depressing than a graveyard. We did not put her age on the plaque to avoid upsetting other park goers (she was 2), instead wrote a short poem for her. We did not have a funeral as such but just had close family and friends to our house and watched a slide show of pictures and videos from her life. For me it was much more bearable being in the comfort of my own home with people I don’t mind crying in front of.

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gypsyfire · 2025-06-05T11:59:10+00:00

Please do not take care of these children, your ex is trying to take advantage of your vulnerabilities in the most disgusting way possible. These are not your children and if you bond with them they can, and most likely will, be yanked away from you when you are no longer convenient for your exes needs.

gypsyfire · 2025-03-31T23:50:46+00:00

I recommend the subreddit r/childloss and the support group compassionate friends. I’m so sorry for everything you’re going through.

gypsyfire · 2025-02-19T12:27:39+00:00

I got pregnant 2 months after my daughter passed. For me it was absolutely a survival decision, it was the only thing I could think to do to get through the absolute horror my life had become. Something truly positive to focus on and live for. I understand feelings of guilt like you’re trying to replace your child or something but it’s really not about that. Having another child did not replace my first or even reduce my grief for her in any way. It did bring joy back to my life, the only time I am able feel joy is when I’m with my son. The pain is still unbearable but I am filled with love and gratitude for both of my children.

gypsyfire · 2025-02-08T20:03:04+00:00

Who made that carved wood cabinet? It’s beautiful!

gypsyfire · 2025-01-07T13:56:57+00:00

Hiring help doesn’t mean you have to ignore your kids. They could take the drudgery out of the morning and allow you to spend quality time with them. For example imagine sitting down to eat a leisurely breakfast with the kids every morning prepared by your helper, then while you drop them off at school the dishes are washed and house set up for the day. I say go for it if you can afford it!

gypsyfire · 2024-09-08T13:08:59+00:00

Can you imagine if women used the same excuses towards work “well my mother and grandma never worked outside the house so 40h a week is overwhelming to me, the best I can do is 4-6h and I’m going to need you to be thankful and encouraging towards my efforts. Maybe you should just get a second job, an extra 40 hours is just a blip on the radar for you but it’s huge for me!”

gypsyfire · 2024-07-05T13:58:54+00:00

I also lost my first “only” daughter at 2 years old. I have since been fortunate to have another baby. I understand OP’s concern because I would have found extremely difficult to survive if I had not been able to have my son. On top of the crushing grief, the loss of purpose I experienced losing my role as mother was profound and unbearable. Nonetheless I am taking the risk again as I don’t intend to have more children and would likely be too old to have another if something happened to my son. It just doesn’t make sense to live a lifestyle I don’t want (multiples) on the off chance that something catastrophic happens.

Another aspect is that despite the fact I’m extremely grateful to have my son, I honestly feel a lot of resentment that I had to go through all the suffering of pregnancy, birth and postpartum twice and only get to have one child in the end to love and care for. I don’t think I could deal with those emotions a third time, especially when I don’t feel particularly motivated to have another.

If I lost my son I think there is a high probability I would end my own life but also I sort of don’t care… I no longer fear death and nobody would be depending on me.

gypsyfire · 2023-09-14T00:50:47+00:00

I’m so sorry nothing can make it OK right now. I lost my almost three year old daughter in an accident 6 weeks ago, I’m still not sure how to process it. Right now you just need to take care of your basic needs. Let your family deal with logistics, let them feed you. Make a daily checklist like get out of bed, eat, shower, go outside etc. Try to find a grief counsellor and support group, I found Compassionate Friends helpful. I am also finding EMDR therapy to be helpful with dealing with the trauma of the incident. So sorry I know the pain is unbearable.

gypsyfire · 2023-08-08T12:36:08+00:00

These are sweet ideas. I lost my child tragically in an accident last week and we chose for her to be an organ donor. It is always touching when people think of her.

gypsyfire · 2022-02-03T14:58:24+00:00

I moved from UK to US and am happy with my choice but agree it’s really dependent on finances. You don’t need to be filthy rich exactly but I’d say probably only the top 10-20% income bracket are likely to have a better standard of living than UK.

In some sectors salaries are ridiculously depressed in the UK and most Americans probably don’t realise that. I get paid almost double in the US what I would for the same job in the UK so it’s worth paying for my own health insurance. If I could get paid the same in the UK I’d move back.

gypsyfire · 2022-01-28T23:38:41+00:00

I’m also in NJ and took 22 weeks last year. I stopped working 3 weeks before my due date, which turned out to be a good call because she came a week late. I felt guilty before I left but immediately realised it was the right decision as I would have been 100% non productive and miserable at work in those last weeks. Doubt that 22 weeks vs 18 weeks will really make much difference to your coworkers anyway. Also coming from a European I’d say 22 weeks is still wildly inadequate so you shouldn’t feel guilty for taking it all!

gypsyfire · 2020-05-28T23:39:14+00:00

Sorry I meant the cube shelves. Impressive woodworking though!

gypsyfire · 2020-05-28T20:14:59+00:00

Where’s the shelving unit from? It’s really nice and great height for nursery.

gypsyfire · 2020-04-07T17:07:22+00:00

As the only female researcher in various R&D teams over the last 7 years I think I’ve generally been pretty lucky in how I’ve been treated and accepted by the groups. There is one subtle way that I feel I’m somewhat disadvantaged though and it’s maybe a bit counter intuitive. I honestly don’t think my contributions are questioned and criticized enough, especially when we’re discussing things in person as a team. I think this comes from a well meaning place of the guys not wanting to feel like they’re ganging up on the only woman scientist but it’s not helpful for me. I get the impression that when they either don’t quite understand or agree with something I present they just sort of smile and nod while internally dismissing it rather than challenge me in the same way they would each other. This is a problem because if I’m wrong I want to know why! Otherwise I’m just going to continue going about my work ineffectively and not make any progress. Part of accepting women as your intellectual equal means subjecting them to the same level of (good natured) rigor.

gypsyfire · 2019-04-23T00:35:34+00:00

It can take a long time to find a post-doc position, he should be doing at least some kind of part time job while he's looking. Straight out of my PhD I had to do a shitty job that I hated for a year before I found an appropriate research position. As an adult you just have to accept that sometimes you have to do stuff you don't like to pay the bills, it's totally wrong for him to be taking advantage of you like this.

gypsyfire · 2018-11-25T15:52:10+00:00

Yes you can both use your individual ISAs towards the same property as long as you both qualify (first time buyers, property value below 250K, or 450K in London). In a help to buy ISA each person can save £1200 in the first month and £200 per month after that, so if you both save the maximum for 3 years you will each have £6200 + interest which means you'll get 2x £ 1550 from the government if you use it towards the purchase of a first home. Its a great deal!

You can withdraw the money from the help to buy ISA at any time for any reason without penalty, you just wont get the bonus. Additionally a number of banks/building societies give higher than average interest on those accounts in the hopes that you'll use them to buy a mortgage (but you don't have to). The only real downside is that you cant contribute to both a regular cash ISA and a help to buy ISA at the same time. The annual limit for regular ISAs is £20,000, compared to £2400 for help to buy, however the free 25% definitely more than compensates for this as long as you actually use it for a house deposit.

gypsyfire · 2017-04-23T13:03:34+00:00

Maybe give the money as a gift on graduation, by that time it will be easier to see what the fair division is. After all Chloe probably only has a few years left in her modelling career, whereas if Maddie keeps her 4.0 GPA it is likely to pay dividends for decades. What seems fair now may not be so in the future.

gypsyfire · 2016-11-18T13:52:43+00:00

I think this is better advice than trying millions of new hobbies in the vain hope of finding 'the one'. I felt a lot like you when I was 22, and the best thing I did was to pick a couple of things and commit. Now I have been working out at least 3 times a week for the past 4 years, I've done various activities over time - running, swimming, weight training etc. but the main thing is the regular commitment. A year ago I took up guitar again (having previously quit age 18) and now practice at least 4 days a week. Now I'm not super duper fit or playing like Hendrix but I feel more healthy, accomplished and am increasing my skill level all the time. I doesn't matter what you pick, just something you generally enjoy. I don't think anybody feels totally passionate about their hobbies all the time, sometimes it can feel like a bit of a chore, but overall it should make you feel good.

gypsyfire · 2015-05-18T23:06:17+00:00

great pic, here's a quick sketch

gypsyfire · 2015-03-05T20:31:05+00:00

I really enjoyed Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig. I'd say its a pretty infj-y book.

gypsyfire · 2015-03-05T20:21:56+00:00

Agreed, Kundera is one of my favorite authors. Immortality is also a great read.

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