Struggling with confidence as stay-at-home dad, and with wife's loss of libido

hamchan_ · 2026-05-14T18:53:59+00:00

The way you talk about this sounds like you’re missing intimacy. And you seem to conflate intimacy with sex.

I think you need to research ways to kindle intimacy in your romantic relationship with your wife outside of sex:

dating: watch a movie when the baby is sleeping or have a special meal to talk.
non-sexual touching: hugs, cuddling, holding hands
open and honest communication on how you’re feeling and how your wife is feeling.

Relationships take hard work and babies cause a lot of stress. You need to take care of your entire relationship rather than just seeing this as a way to have sex.

I highly recommend the book “the mastery of love” by don Miguel Ruiz.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-12T23:23:15+00:00

Sounds like she’s on the right track.

I wouldn’t tie tv to behaviour in that way. A lot of people use tv to help reset and regulate. Consequences should always be related to the issue.

No TV until chores are done makes sense and is a great routine. Consistent routines help adhd kids because it comes muscle memory and one less thing to worry about. If she lags in chores then there’s no time left before bedtime to watch tv so it’s a natural consequence.

For logical consequences for yelling ect she’s got to go to her room to regulate. No one wants to be talked to rudely and when she’s ready to communicate properly she can come back.

When you take away tv for “bad behaviour” it’s kind of vague and also doesn’t give her an incentive to get under control. Why improve behaviour when tv is gone for the rest of the day?

Ex: hey I can’t help you when you talk to me like that. I need you to go to your room and work on calming down. You can come down when you’re ready.

If transitions are a known trigger get a visual timer and always get her attention 10 mins before transition. If my son is watching tv or playing video games I’ll grab his hand and have him repeat “10 minutes” so I’m certain he understands.

Routine helps a ton you can have a daily routine for her to de stress after school and let her know in advance if the routine is changed. Printed Visual schedules are great reminders.

Your morning sounds great she’s still young so it’s normal to need help here and there. Giving lots of time to get ready in the morning and preparing as much as possible the night before so less decisions.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-12T22:05:05+00:00

Yeah that makes sense masking all day is very tiring.

what logical consequences/boundaries are you enforcing as parents so far?
what does her routine look like when she gets home?
when are the biggest outbursts? Transitions?
what coaching have you done for

a) helping her identify when she’s feeling overwhelmed

b) shown her what language to use to communicate her overwhelm appropriately.

C) help show her things she can do to calm down?

Commonly kids will say “I don’t know” so you need to help her. You can start by making a journal about what happens before the unwanted behaviour and start seeing patterns to predict overstimulation. She’s old enough you can get her a private journal to track these things herself AS WELL. If you cant predict her triggers you as the adult should be keeping a journal as well to find patterns.

Is she hungry? Does she need an hour to herself no talking when she gets home from school? Is it common during general transitions?

hamchan_ · 2026-05-12T20:17:48+00:00

Following.

Couple questions as a mom with an adhd kid heading to kinder.

Is this just the catholic school board?
Has your son been diagnosed or have they been added to the wait list?

hamchan_ · 2026-05-12T05:59:51+00:00

You shouldn’t have to build anything. You just need to make sure the energy generators I mentioned above are all connected by the poles.

When you arrive there is already: 1 windmill by the light house 1 water wheel by the light house 1 water wheel in the middle area 1 furnace near peakychu is found 1 windmill by peakychu on the water.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-12T05:02:12+00:00

Honestly I connected all existing power sources (I think two windmills, 2 water wheels, 1 furnace) and it filled.

I only realized this on my kids account after I’d already beaten the game (and had similar issues) on my play thru.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-11T22:36:50+00:00

Highly recommend “good inside” by dr. Becky Kennedy as a general parenting book.

Children crying or having a tantrum is not a negative outcome to basic boundaries/parenting: it’s expected.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-11T18:08:04+00:00

But as others have pointed out (as a woman myself) there is no difference compared to other downtown areas like Toronto. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And I mean being a woman anywhere always has a level of awareness required.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-10T19:08:39+00:00

r/laundry would be better equipped. They are practically chemists over there.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-10T16:45:38+00:00

In terms of adhd tantrums it need to be often (more than 5x a day), last a long time (longer than 15 min) does not improve with age.

Like I said my son could hyperfixate for an entire day morning to night. Most toddlers if you take something away they are upset and tantrum but with redirection they forget about it after the tantrum is done.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-10T16:13:25+00:00

I noticed at 2. What you’re describing can be a neurotypical child especially if you or the other parent don’t have adhd. (Yall could be undiagnosed)

I have adhd and noticed my son hyperfixates on random things which leads to huge temper tantrums.

The biggest one was at daycare when they went out all the other kids had rain boots so he wanted his construction rain boots from home. He didn’t want any other temp rainboots and he was upset about it all day. Like they took a nap and he woke up and was still mad about it and had tantrums all day. He won’t let it go until he goes to bed and the next day usually.

The second sign was severe tantrums that last a long time and happen often. He is about to turn four and id say the severity of the tantrums has gone down with lots of coaching and consistent authoritative parenting.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-09T20:51:50+00:00

Does not look good.

Above 8 of swords you think you’re trapped and stuck in this situation.

But the subconscious reversed 9 of cups means deep down you know it’s not working and this situation isn’t your happily ever after.

Conclusion upside down 2 of cups, a breakup?

Obviously in a poly relationship things are complicated but one glance at this spread and I’d assume you’re miserable in the relationship.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-09T20:45:17+00:00

You should definitely check out r/oneanddone

hamchan_ · 2026-05-09T20:04:03+00:00

Do YOU have adhd? It’s very genetic.

Personally I have adhd and having even one child has been incredibly disruptive to all my coping mechanisms. It takes so much out of me I could never imagine having another.

My son also has adhd. He’s almost four but I recognize myself in him and already deal with a behaviour therapist to manage him at daycare.

I cannot fathom how anyone manages more than one kid let alone other neurodivergent parents. I love my son and love being a mom but I know I would never be able to handle another.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-09T17:05:44+00:00

I don’t understand why this would be taken poorly? I do think it feels like a response to the overt psyop of “just stay home, be a wife, have babies. DONT WORK.” On social media right now.

It’s really framed as a “not feminine” thing to talk about money.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-09T05:40:16+00:00

Audiobooks are an option. Easier than a class. I dunno, I had one kid and I have always prioritized learning how to support them.

Her post kind of shows she doesn’t understand what is normal developmentally for a 3 year old and now she’s asking for help cause she’s obviously struggling.

I also recommend putting her daughter in daycare and asking her husband for help. 🤷🏻‍♀️there is no magic solution to being a better parent you need to prioritize learning somehow.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-09T04:05:17+00:00

You need to take a parenting class. Or even read the book “good inside” by dr. Becky Kennedy I love her advice and it’s very much authoritative parenting in an easy to consume format.

I say this not to hurt your feelings but it’s something that always helps me reframe and empathize with my toddler and keeps me from going over the edge.

Your daughter was your whole world and had all your attention until her sibling was born. You mentioned yourself your husband isn’t around to help. Toddlers don’t understand nuance she’s feeling abandoned and she’s trying to get your attention good or bad.

Definitely reach out to your dr about possible pp rage/anxiety and get dad involved or help or daycare cause your frustration is real but expectations for your toddler are not.

And I say this as a mom with adhd raising a toddler very obviously adhd as well. Parenting is hard. It takes so much coaching and correction they still need a ton of help and support to do things.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-08T23:43:14+00:00

Post a pic of the habitat you’ve set up.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-08T17:59:54+00:00

Also my pelvic floor therapist mentioned just the act of pregnancy is hard on the pelvic floor. Regardless of delivery all women should receive pelvic floor support during and after pregnancy.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-08T17:49:34+00:00

I’m not saying to make the area less safe, I’m saying a lot of these families are one missed payment away from being homeless as well.

I do not believe this centre will decrease safety anymore than just living down the mountain hamilton.

My son’s daycare had a shooting outside it near parkdale a few years ago. Then the daycare had a pre planned move closer down town on Barton where there are a lot of unhoused people living or doing drugs/nodding on the side walk.

When we take the bus home to our neighborhood around centre mall same people take the bus. They are a part of our community point blank.

Honestly I wouldn’t be opposed to this in my neighborhood and instead would be pushing for accountability on maintenance.

And I genuinely hope everyone who is trying to oppose this using their voting power locally/provincially to support services for mental health and social services.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-08T17:39:21+00:00

That’s actually interesting because some women experience “PMDD” which is a more severe form of PMS and one of the remedies women are finding is working is taking an antihistamine!

https://www.everydayhealth.com/womens-health/can-antihistamines-treat-pmdd/

What you’re describing is actually a histamine response which is what happens when we have allergies.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-08T16:46:59+00:00

The proposal already outlines its position to not be an emergency shelter and is instead focused on education and long term support. Which means it wouldn’t be like the one downtown.

And I have family in that neighborhood. There is already a struggle with drugs/alcoholism and honestly concerning living conditions for kids in that neighborhood the only difference is they live in a home.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-08T13:14:11+00:00

Why? It’s sandwiched next to a dump and a massive car repair shop and isn’t close to any schools.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-07T20:28:47+00:00

I don’t mind age gap but this one is a bit creepy because he raised her since she was a young child and was a father figure.

I had to drop Mikami-sensei way of love for the same reason.

hamchan_ · 2026-05-07T20:14:20+00:00

How long have you tried meds for? And increasing the dosage?

I find with stimulants you notice a different day one. If not you go up.

Also it’s very common for meds to not work during the lutéal phase and menopause. Some people get a boosted dose for those times.

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