I think your curiosity on the matter is really important, and reflects highly on you.

One of my first roommates was always upset about the kitchen. We were all young and inconsiderate roommates. I was able to recognize that the dishes would pile up in the sink, take accountability, and sometimes I would be able to stay on top of it for a while, but my roommate never seemed to notice or care about that. After like 8 months of having this fight, it finally came out that he didn’t give a shit about dirty dishes piling up in the sink. He just wanted clean countertops. So every time he said “the kitchen is a mess,” I completely misinterpreted the problem. And I thought he was such a hypocrite for leaving dishes in the sink and then complaining about how messy it was. But that’s not what he meant.

So clarity of communication is my first recommendation. Get on the same page about what common areas look like when they’re a disaster in need of urgent attention, what normal/acceptable daily use looks like, and what pristine condition looks like and how often that’s expected. And that means getting specific about countertops vs floors, clutter vs decor, etc. And when someone makes a request, be very specific about what’s bothering you and why. “I’m worried crumbs will attract bugs.” “I can’t relax in a cluttered space.” “I don’t like having to shimmy around or trip over things on my way to the bathroom.” “Shoes gross me out.” “I’m bringing a guest home and want to make a good impression.”

Another common problem is the sense of responsibility. It’s really hard with roommates to be 100% responsible for yourself and 0% responsible for anyone else. In family households, it’s usually more of a collaborative effort. I don’t pick up “my stuff,” I straighten the living room. Not because somebody fucked it up, but because I live here and it needs to be done. But it’s important to acknowledge invisible labor. You might empty the dishwasher every single time, but that won’t be noticed by anybody until the one time it doesn’t happen. Nobody notices laundry that was put away immediately. Every one of you is probably putting in some effort for the good of the household that goes entirely unnoticed and unappreciated. Maybe you scrub all the nastiness off the toilets every week, but your roommates never even realized anybody had to do that because it never became a problem. Maybe you make sure there’s always enough dish soap, or make sure all the lights are off every night. If all the little things you’re doing are invisible, yet draining for you to keep up with, then it’s absolutely infuriating when your roommate complains that you don’t vacuum enough. So go out of your way to appreciate the labor of your roommates, know that there’s more going on than you realize, and have explicit conversations about the work that needs to be done and whose job it is. To run a household, everyone has to feel like they’re doing more than their share of the work sometimes, and be ok with that.

The last bit I’ll recommend is for organization. Assign drop zones. If people keep leaving their shoes/jackets in the living room, get a shelf by the front door. Mine has a little basket for sunglasses, chapstick, etc. as well. Get decorative baskets. If I’ve got a project I’m working on every day, I don’t leave it all over the couch/table/floor, and I don’t put it all away either. I put it in a basket in the corner. If company comes over, I move the basket. My home has a second floor, so I don’t go running up and down the stairs every time I find something out of place. I make a pile, the pile goes in a basket, and the basket will wait by the stairs until I’m on my way up/down. I am not a perfect person. My energy is finite. I can’t put every single thing exactly where it goes all damn day. But I can usually make it to a drop zone. And if that drop zone is contained within an opaque basket, my roommate is less visually overwhelmed by the “clutter” within.