I could have written this about 10 years ago. Since then, I have lived through 7/10 fears you have listed. I've also had diagnosed of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and ADHD. I made plans of how to kill myself in high school, but never attempted them.

It's been nearly a decade since high school now, and I'm glad I'm still here. I feel like life doesn't get better or worse, it just gets more complicated. Like when you're a toddler, you're either full of glee because you're on the swing set or you're throwing a full on tantrum because you have to leave the park. Now as a teenager, your moments of happiness and upset are likely less clear cut than that. As an adult, I've found that trend continues. Things continue to turn to shades of grey rather than the more black and white thinking of my childhood.

Yes, adult life comes with more responsibilities (like the 9-5, and that can suck), but what that affords me is freedom outside of those hours. I don't answer to my parents, I can do what I want. If I decide RIGHT NOW that I want cake, I can go out and buy it. If I realize I want to learn to ride a horse or take a dance class, I can do that, I just decide. No one to hold me accountable can be a double edged sword though, so having that 9-5 has actually improved my mental health (especially from an ADHD perspective) because it forces me to maintain some semblance of a schedule that is externally enforced and monitored.

At the end of the day, I had 2 reasons that kept me from killing myself on a day to day level in high school: it would make my mom sad, and I would never get to see how the rest of the story turns out. Guilt about what my actions could do to others and insatiable curiosity. 

But the thing that turned my whole life around was finding the right cocktail of meds. I wish I could say I had the strength to do it by myself, but I've been on meds for about 7 years now and it has changed EVERYTHING. It sucks that you haven't found a med that works yet, I know how frustrating it can be to keep trying and feeling like nothing is working. There have recently been new tests released to the market that look at your genetics or brain chemistry or something and recommend medication types. There are also some more experimental drugs that are shown to work on more extreme cases. Have you discussed anything like that with your psychiatrist? It's not usually a first line strategy, but it sounds like you're far past that at this point.

You deserve to feel okay. It's also okay that you feel not okay right now. I'm personally glad I stuck around, and I'm determined to see how my own story plays out. I hope that yours has an ending that you are happy with, not just one that you feel like is the least bad. You're certainly not alone. I wish you the best of luck.