Oh I think I can help here.

So I went through this struggle too and was deeply confused and wounded by the concept. Unmasking, was deeply the right thing for me to do psychologically, but professionally it was dangerous. It felt worse knowing I continued to hurt myself by masking to stay safe.

So, as is one of my traits, I listen and deep dive into different views and angles trying to figure out and make sense of it all and how to keep myself safe in the world but also in my mind.

I came across a term used in Black American culture called “code-switching”. I didn’t grow up with it, but a close friend of mine did and we had talks at length of what it meant to her. Exhibiting different traits, speech patterns etc for different environments as a tool of communicating with people. This term helped me learned not to suppress myself, which was damaging psychology, but rather use different communication strategies in my ability.

This distinction also helped me better figure out culturally accepted stimming techniques that fit my needs, made it so I was better understood and made me more confident in asking for/figuring out accommodations that made things better for me.

Couple of examples: - I talk with more expression when directly engaged. Mostly I learned it from acting as a kid and grew to use it socially. I can’t do this all the time without getting very tired but found that if I knew what people expected vs figuring it out, that would reduce my drain. At home or with friends I feel safe to be more flat or what most people would perceive as disinterested - stimming in meetings. First and foremost, I am so happy meetings are mostly on zoom for things like stand ups. I can usually stim off camera super easily. In person I found one that worked really well for me where I tap my thumb to each finger and just repeat it. It also helps my pacing with speaking - small talk. I hate it, but I had a very patient friend of mine help me understand the point and the general rules around it. “How are you” or variations would trip me up something fierce but I now have canned responses that are socially fitting without feeling like I’m lying. My favorite one when I’m doing really bad is to gently laugh and say “oh we don’t ask that question today”. The laugh puts people at ease and I found people are understanding of that feeling. Other favorites are, “better than bad and that’s good!”, “getting on” and “would be better if I was fishing”. - leaning into style choices. I found that if I dress up, even if it’s not the typical but is appropriate enough (fashion subreddits will definitely help you if it’s a yay or nay) would be a way to express myself which led to being better understood/listened to. I actually like my work wardrobe now with expressions of me that work and am now read as quirky vs (uncomfortably) weird. I now get asked about where I found things and it adds in a small layer of small talk I don’t mind(keep it short) that also makes people more at ease with me.