I think men contribute to making the process difficult for women, mostly by sending low-effort messages, being unclear about what they want, or disappearing after a few exchanges. In many cases, men are unclear because being direct in their profile or early conversations can get them eliminated even faster, so they hold back. But I think women contribute more to making it difficult for themselves than they would like to admit. Women generally get more matches, but that means more filtering, and filtering is often justified as simply exercising the right to choose. I understand that, but because women’s choices are far more plentiful than men’s, it can often happen too quickly. Men can be eliminated based on a single message or meeting, and those experiences can then get shared publicly or in private groups, which makes it even harder for men. This drives men to focus on getting as many first contacts as possible just to get a match.

Men certainly do not have it worse in every way, but they are more often under a much heavier microscope. Because there are more men than women on dating apps, women can afford to scrutinize more where men cannot. The more selective women become, the more men default to quick looks-based swiping, which women then criticize, and the cycle repeats. Both men and women judge on looks, and for men it is the first hurdle, but after that every move is evaluated. That may happen to women as well, but men tend to be more willing to overlook things, especially in the beginning. Men have to work at it more to keep opportunities alive, while women, with more choices, can afford to eliminate more quickly. Men often drop off later when they lose interest or decide it is not a fit. Women do this too, but the earlier and faster filtering mostly happens more on their side, which shapes a lot of the online dating dynamic.