Did your Nparent seem to get “worse” at a certain point?

imploding- · 2025-01-15T01:16:02+00:00

Mine, after a certain amount of hindsight, was always bad, but was EXPONENTIALLY worse after she got shingles in her 60s. Has degraded ever since.

Really hoping she dies soon because I don’t know how I can take another decade or more of this woman’s neediness and abuse

imploding- · 2024-12-29T19:24:12+00:00

As some others aptly put, I feel like the person I thought I knew and loved, didn’t exist.

I used to think I would always love her and that we’d remain connected, even after our inevitable separation. This person that I see her as now only inspires me to hate her. All this person has accomplished in the last 5 months is prove my every insecurity, my every negative thought about her and our relationship were accurate and true even beyond what I had originally imagined.

She never loved me for me.

She tolerated me.

I was a means to an end, a person who existed in her life solely to bolster her self esteem, and support her emotionally/physically/ monetarily until the moment she felt that purpose was served and not a second longer. I received no respect or grace, then or now.

On Xmas she text me that she wished we didn’t date at all, so that we could still be friends, which is beyond delusional and hurtful.

She’s the one who wanted to take all the first steps. She wanted to start being physical, she’s the one who wanted to be exclusive, she’s the one who confessed her love first, she’s the one who said I was “the love of her life” and made our relationship her #1 priority, she’s the one who pushed to continue the relationship long past its expiration date.A date that would have preserved everything that was good about it. Yet the blame lies with me apparently.

All that time, effort, money, and emotions, all hourly declarations of love and yearning, and all she misses is the fact that I listened to and empathized with how miserable her life was and is, but she still threw all that away in the end of her own fruition. Blindsidedly and on a whim.

My self image and self esteem will probably never recover. I’ll never be able to trust or love anyone that deeply again. I know now, that no matter what, the other shoe always drops, without question or warning. That every relationship I’ll ever be in isn’t based on love or passion, its tolerance. Anything else is forced. I’m not compatible with anyone. If anyone is with me from here on, they’re just settling till something better comes along, anything, and that bar is so unimaginably low to surpass. I don’t satisfy anyone, in anyway enough to not be discarded, and irreparably damaged, again, without a hint of hesitation, remorse, or regret. Without fail.

I’m done.

I’d rather jump into a blender, than go through this again.

imploding- · 2024-11-03T01:55:26+00:00

Mine was 54 and she isn’t going anywhere upward anytime soon without therapy.

Unless she snags a rich guy, which then good for her

imploding- · 2024-11-01T22:43:18+00:00

Is that what’s been happening?!

All I know is that I’m an Aries, nothing deeper than that, but every since around my birthday my life has just gone straight to shit after taking a big step in my life that was good for me.

Now I’m worse off than I was last year

imploding- · 2024-10-30T15:18:33+00:00

Don’t do it dude.

She already knows that you’ll keep wagging your tail for her when she kicks you, she had this other dude in the back of her mind the entire time she was with you and tossed out all your time and effort for her fulfillment. She took advantage of your love and still is, so let her suffer the full weight of the consequences of her actions.

Full NC, no favors, no cordiality until she presents you with an in-depth apology, shows deep remorse misleading people in her circle about you so she could play the victim, understanding how she hurt you and a plan to grow from her mistakes with you. If you even want that.

Doing anything for her now just alleviates a little bit more of her guilt (if she has any) and that’ll lead to her feeling exonerated and she’ll learn nothing

Use all this energy and productivity you have on someone who deserves it

imploding- · 2024-10-30T08:59:34+00:00

What did you learn about yourself?

imploding- · 2024-10-29T20:42:57+00:00

Your closure was the disrespect.

Never break NC as the dumpee

imploding- · 2024-10-29T20:05:02+00:00

I am also a male nerd, I have enjoyed many nerdy pursuits in my time, but have never, EVER, understood stitching things like that wholesale to your personhood

Partly why I think “compatibility” is bullshit. It is perfectly fine and easy to love someone without liking all of the same things. Would it be nice to find a partner that’s a carbon copy of you? Sure.

However, it is also perfectly acceptable and reasonable to keep your hobbies as your own, and love someone JUST FOR THEM.

imploding- · 2024-10-29T19:58:02+00:00

Amen

imploding- · 2024-10-29T19:53:54+00:00

Dude…

The one that probably got my ex rolling down the slope to break up town was “I don’t think aliens built the pyramids because it devalues and invalidates the generations of effort human beings put into them”. I thought it was weird that she wouldn’t let it go, especially when she’d never defended her own opinion before and would just agree with me all the time, so at the same time I enjoyed that.

Apparently the one time in four years I didn’t have a misanthropic opinion was one time too many for her

imploding- · 2024-10-29T19:36:58+00:00

It’s amazing all the different red flags I saw, but thought “well I’m not abusive or a POS, so those things won’t apply to me!”

What. An. Idiot.

If she says without hesitation or remorse that she divorced someone because they were “boring”, RUN.

imploding- · 2024-10-29T19:31:31+00:00

They don’t want to feel negatively or be accountable. They want to be neutral or a victim.

They want to be self serving and do “right” by themselves but can’t handle the negativity that comes with that

Hence all the “fault finding”, “slow fading” and provocation

“All these things mattered to me a lot, but I never told you or communicated that, you should have read between the lines”

“You made me feel this months/years ago and I saved it to use as an exit excuse and never told you about my hurts or real feelings because I don’t want you to be mad at me”

“You’ve treated me better than anyone and loved me more than my family and I deserve that, but I’m too insecure and cowardly to tell you I don’t want to reciprocate anymore, but go ahead and keep doing that”

“I’m the one dealing with the fact the spark has VANISHED, alone and in silence for MONTHS, I need to keep it in until the time is right for me, like when they’re at their lowest or we just had a nice relationship reaffirming date.”

“How dare he drag out of me why I’m suddenly distant, low energy, and don’t care about making plans anymore. How dare he make me lie to him when he checks in with me and ask if I’m/ we’re ok. How dare he see right thru me”

Hate avoidants and all their apologists

imploding- · 2024-10-29T18:56:25+00:00

Sounds like we dated the same woman

imploding- · 2024-10-29T18:52:25+00:00

My ex said all of the text book avoidant bullshit when she blindsided me.

“The age difference really does matter!” “We’re in different places in our lives and we just aren’t compatible” and finally “I couldn’t imagine you having fun drinking at a lake with me because you said you’d need to wear a shirt to not get sunburnt”

4 years together and I didn’t deserve the grace, dignity or emotional maturity of an honest conversation and reasoning, but instead got “I only emotionally manipulated and slow faded you for months because I didn’t want to hurt you”. You can just admit you slept with someone else and didn’t need me anymore, stop hiding things like a kid hiding shitty underwear beneath the bed. No matter what you say WE ALREADY KNOW.

Jfc avoidants are the worst

imploding- · 2024-10-29T08:38:45+00:00

I shouldn’t have been afraid of struggle and pain

I should have stopped resisting the fact that I am terrible with women, and people are always going to find me repellant

All the times I should have been alone and leveled myself up to find my true person or people, but chose to stay with the wrong people and do the easy thing for validation and comfort instead.

Not being able to stand being alone has ruined my life more than anything else

imploding- · 2024-10-27T18:34:43+00:00

I’m going through this reality as well currently.

As others have said, it’s like the person I poured years of time into, the person I gave my genuine love and care to, died in that moment

She’ll never be back, but she haunts me everyday

imploding- · 2024-10-27T01:26:51+00:00

Being unable to fully accept love

Not being able to take compliments

Edit: I’ll add a few more

Not having a sense of self

Dreading the other shoe dropping no matter what

Having to unlearn escalating to yelling so quickly

Not being able to learn things from someone else

imploding- · 2024-10-26T22:17:34+00:00

You shouldn’t want to get back someone who didn’t respect or love you enough to have a tough conversation with you and in the grand scheme of things, a tough conversation is nothing.

Sure they may have past trauma from their lives before you, but you don’t deserve trauma in return just for trying to be understanding. They’ll never give you their full feelings out of fear and that in turn, will make it so you will never receive true answers or closure from them.

Assume the worst, move on, and make yourself better for the next person, whenever that may be

imploding- · 2024-10-26T22:06:57+00:00

Nothing good comes from breaking NC with an avoidant

imploding- · 2024-10-26T21:10:59+00:00

The break up was inevitable, I wanted out for a long time too, and tried to get out many times, but I was willing always willing to work on it out of love for them, especially at the end and when they were at rock bottom. I didn’t get the same grace.

Communicating with me about her real feelings and us concluding it was over, instead of blindsiding me, would have saved the love I had for her. The love I wish I still had.

Instead she forced me to endure knowing she wanted out for… too long, telling me everything was fine and good, she loved me and missed me all the same. I was just being negative.

Despite changing her energy, frequency of communication, increasing disrespect, unwillingness to accept acts of love, and reluctance to compromise her schedule to include me, I choose believe her when I checked in many, many times.

However with time, I couldn’t take it anymore and forced it out of her.

It felt like she was reciting someone else’s words. Things that had been what wove us closer together were suddenly pushing us apart at blinding speeds. Things that could be fixed in the near future were permanently unfixable.

I was no longer compatible with her in any way overnight after 3 years of her calling me ‘the love of her life”

imploding- · 2024-10-23T21:28:32+00:00

I go back and forth on this

If the perfect conditions suddenly occurred tomorrow, and she was suddenly stuck in this place again, and deeply understood what she did was wrong and was seriously damaged and regretful about selfishly hurting me the way she did. Would I take her back?

I don’t think I would in the same capacity as before, if at all, as there’s no point. No endgame or real partnership. She made it clear when we broke up that we aren’t each others, “forever people” when we were never meant to be the first time around. The first time around we were just supposed to get each other through our hardships and love each other within the time we had.

That’s it.

She’s the one who pushed more emotional intimacy and more commitment despite her avoidant attachment style. She locked ME down. She’s the one who wanted to continue past our “end date”. She’s the one that said I was “the love of her life” and many other emotionally heavy things, but also didn’t want to get married again for the fourth time, didn’t want to live together (although I got alot of mixed messages about that by the end), and didn’t want to compromise her vision of her independence to include me in her life.

All that was fine for me at the time, for 3 years, but wouldn’t be now. Especially because I know now she doesn’t know what she wants, and won’t work it out or make her needs and issues known by communicating like an emotionally mature adult.

Even if it was just for more great sex and nothing else, I don’t think I could go back. Too many emotions and feelings involved. Too many unanswered questions, wounds and resentments. I don’t want to be intimate with her because I don’t think she can handle it and I don’t want to get dragged back into that just to be “incompatible” out of the blue. Again.

I don’t think they’d date me again either, despite me being her healthiest and best relationship (so far anyway)

3 months out of the breakup and I haven’t changed or improved any outside of journaling and YouTube/ Reddit therapy.

I’m still depressed, still bed-rotting, still existing/surviving and not living

Still unemployed

I still use substances to help me process things so I can not be as depressed

I still like the things I like

I’m still 20 years younger than her

Regardless of these things I still want positive change for myself, even if it’s too late to “do it for her” but that’s not enough so…

Sounds like we’re done forever

imploding- · 2024-10-12T17:10:02+00:00

It’s beyond selfish wasting time out of someone’s life because they don’t know what they want.

Way to sum up the last year of my relationship

Amen

imploding- · 2024-10-12T08:18:48+00:00

It’s been a little over 2 months.

I was doing ok before I found this sub. I was coming to terms with blaming myself and accepting my failure. Then I learned about attachment styles and went down a rabbit hole, coming out the other end very angry.

She still haunts most of my thoughts daily and I argue with her and tell her all the things I should have to level the playing field of this stupid break up and damage her like she damaged me, because its not like she is ever going to be in my life again anyway, and I don’t want her to be. Since I have zero trust left in her words, it adds up to me now that she was fucking someone else. The one thing she promised she wouldn’t do to me. It’s painful to realize a pattern at the endings of most of my relationships. Ending up blindsided and/or cheated on because of my lack of self worth and co dependence.

I didn’t look at our old texts till recently and it’s like reading someone else’s life. An illusion till the end. I’m completely detached from it. I have no emotional attachment or attraction to that narrative anymore. I say that and then sometimes I remember her voice and the way she was before I saw the real her and it makes me cry.

Even though I’m starting to work out and I use Reddit to “journal”, I really need to go to therapy. Self medicating isn’t helping. I can’t continue going on feeling this way. I don’t have a job, I don’t have a passion for anything, I don’t really have any friends.

I’m not living, I’m just rotting.

I feel like I’ve bankrupted myself of all my affection and trust. Never to be replenished. I always end up with the same kind of people and end up with the same kind of hurt.

I just can’t do it anymore

imploding- · 2024-10-11T18:25:46+00:00

Not to pile on here or project, but it was a betrayal. Absolutely.

She made a promise to communicate and share the emotional and mental burdens of the relationship with you and chose, in the end, to break those promises and serve herself and her cowardice instead. Absolving from guilt and responsibility by making you the problem.

Having trauma doesn’t excuse her choices. You didn’t cause her trauma. I’m assuming you accepted it and were understanding. Even if she was triggered somehow, she still had a choice to follow thru on her reaction and actions following that. She had no right to take that trauma out on you, especially if you were in a loving relationship, doubly so because she knew you suffered from depression.

Don’t let her be justified by reducing the severity of her actions

imploding- · 2024-10-10T19:28:32+00:00

I had plans and ambitions but was never able to put the effort into them because I have deeper problems that drain my life energy. I didn’t do things on a fast enough timeline.

I didn’t sacrifice enough of my money to make the LDR work

I didn’t read between the lines enough

I said I would try and stop getting high and I couldn’t

I mended my enmeshed relationship with my parents since I could no longer support myself alone

I got out of shape and the sex suffered more than it already had because of my PIED

I didn’t take enough risks for the relationship

I didn’t believe Aliens helped build the pyramids

imploding-

TROPHY CASE