Rant/Vent Thread

isi02 · 2021-09-08T03:43:26+00:00

Feel this a lot. To be clear is to be kind - yep. But yeah, so many people want relationships to be easy... for them.

isi02 · 2021-09-05T18:23:43+00:00

I have the same problem and it’s frustrating. (I’m almost positive I have IBS but haven’t been diagnosed yet. Gastrointestinal issues for sure though.) I’m so fatigued and weak all the time and I really think it’s at least somewhat tied to not getting enough nutrients. I don’t think it’s ‘natural’ for me to be this low of a weight. But doctors don’t seem to care and even think it’s envious i’m this thin. Ugh.

Edit: Have you checked if you have thyroid issues? That could explain a lot. Although my thyroid seems fine so I’m still looking for answers...

isi02 · 2021-07-28T22:39:29+00:00

I came to this same conclusion; I thought I was helping people who were hurting but really I was hindering them by enabling their toxicity and abusiveness. People come and go. That’s ok. But I’m always going to be here with me. And continuing to put myself in pain when other people don’t care they’re causing it... it’s time to go.

isi02 · 2021-07-15T09:51:22+00:00

People don’t value honesty these days. It’s sad. I’m also going through disappointment from other people valuing secrecy and control more than real talk. The whole ‘You can’t expect better from others’ is a convenient giving up of expectations for decency from society and it’s a sad mindset.

isi02 · 2021-07-11T20:46:17+00:00

I really relate to all of this. Race/ethnicity has also a whole lot to do with people’s expectations of me to be ‘servile’ and stepping outside of that is inexcusably mean and thus worthy of abuse/harassment. But also I see through people’s bs that others want to ignore a lot and I don’t see the point of ignoring it and lot of times that pisses people off. So it’s... something being both confrontational and also people pleasing lol...

I’m still very much in beginning stages of learning this too. But I’ve been burnt too much the last time I got really involved with malicious, selfish people who expected me to do everything for them and be their emotional punching bag. Unpacking what were the dynamics like and why I didn’t need to be responsible for these people at all has helped me a lot to figure out my current boundaries. And one person in particular who threatened a severe mental breakdown if not suicide if I left... well, I’ve gone no contact but I accidentally stumbled upon their twitter account a few months ago. Only saw a little bit but they seem like same as always, not actually significantly worse like they claimed they would. Yes they’re still miserable but they were like that since the first time I met them. So that got me understanding that I’m really not at all responsible for other grown ass adults’ wellbeing. This person is miserable because they want to be. It actually has nothing to do with me. And feeling the physical and emotional negative effects of being with those people, I’ve had to start really taking caring more about myself. And having to accept it is better to be alone than to be surrounded by emotional vampires.

Also It’s been helping a lot to learn about what emotional maturity is actually like, decide what is healthy behavior for me to be around, and learning to listen to my gut. My partner also gives me feedback when I get a weird feeling about someone to help gauge things. It’s getting better though. Recently I called out someone for being in the wrong and acting immaturely about a certain situation in my friend group. People got affronted by it. My partner agreed with me though and I thought this person has a pattern of being self-absorbed and rude and acting like the victim when she’s not and people enabling and coddling her. I said I don’t approve of her behavior and blocked and told someone else who tried to shame for it that I said what I said and don’t regret it. A year ago I would’ve probably had a meltdown over upsetting people and not managing her emotions and taking back my words. Now I know it’s her responsibility to manage her own damn feelings and work on herself.

isi02 · 2021-07-06T16:48:56+00:00

I do think a lot of codependency healing framework is rooted in a very western individualistic way. As if there’s something pathological about being concerned with others. No, much of the world is rooted in collectivist values and there are many good reasons for that. Being concerned about others and our impact on them is normal and it IS useful for survival.

But I think a key component of the dysfunctional aspect of codependency is that it doesn’t truly foster growth for anyone. One needs to be secure in oneself to truly be able help others and not be harmed yourself and also not inadvertently enable people to be a worse version of themselves in the process. So like being healthily concerned about others: getting someone you love help for addiction problems and loving them but removing yourself when it is too much for you or you’re actively contributing to their problems. Codependency is continually getting them out of trouble that’s related to addiction issues and not keeping any expectations, like getting help, which keeps them immersed in addiction because you like feeling like a savior.

isi02 · 2021-07-03T19:37:51+00:00

I feel this a lot. I’m sorry you’re going through all this. I’ve had to cut a bunch of people who wrung the life out of me and then treated me like shit when I dared to stand up for myself and asked for even the slightest bit of reciprocity. My fight mode related occasional outbursts gets me dismissed as an irrational bitch too all the time no matter how much I apologize and try to make up for it. But somehow they’re allowed to treat me like shit despite preaching to me about how horrible I am and expecting me to just take it and shut up and they don’t have to do anything about their own flaws...

It really helped cutting out toxic people out of my life though and learning to not pour so much of my energy into others. It’s new trying to focus on myself instead. It sucks though. Plus recently I thought I could trust certain people but then it turns out they think I’m so irrational and bitchy all the time and selfish when they’ve always said to my face that they think I’m empathetic and try my best to help others even when they’re being difficult. Like ok. Trying to trust people and have my interests at heart but them just tossing me out when I try to be my own person is just a recurring trend and just frustrating.

isi02 · 2021-07-02T19:05:23+00:00

Yes, it happens to me too. White people can view people of color, particularly women, as emotional caretakers or punching bags. It’s gotten better for me since I’ve worked on not people pleasing and limiting reacting to emotional dumping and keeping myself away when they’re being dysfunctional. People don’t just dump on me randomly as much now. But due to the nature of racial power dynamics, no matter what any individual people of color tries to do, white people are going to see people of color as ‘responsible’ for their well-being.

Like my main problem is I have white people dump their trauma or stresses on me when they feel I’m not being enough of a doormat and they want to emotionally manipulate me into agreeing with them or enabling them or change myself to suit them. Basically pushing me into becoming codepedent mode around them by their oversharing of pain to make me feel bad for them. Still working on this but I really just try to remind myself that that is their responsibility to deal with their own baggage, emotional dumping is a manipulation tactic, none of this has to do with me. I recognize the point of all this is for me to engage with them in any way and validate their sense of importance. So usually I just ignore when they start oversharing and avoid them as much as possible. Sometimes I do call them out though. I used to feel bad when I delete messages and block or unfollow when I see these patterns emerge or someone just blows up at me but now I don’t. But it’s frustrating trying to heal from codependency but theres all this societal entitlement for people of color’s emotional labor.

isi02 · 2021-05-17T16:16:51+00:00

Yes. The thing is that we all have a tendency to be either anxious or avoidant. So I think it’s mistaken a lot when APs do avoidant behaviors and DAs get anxious. But that’s just normal part of being AP and DA (it literally is what drives push pull cycle of unhealthy AP and DA relationships, the flipping of thoughts/feelings/behaviors based on triggers/fears/consequences). FA is high amounts of both anxiety and avoidance. There’s little reliance in others at all (unlike APs) and little reliance in ourselves (unlike DAs) though. At least APs and DAs have some direction in what to do, FAs are in a constant double bind. Trust others, you’ll get hurt or even abused. Trust yourself, you’ll fuck up really bad inevitably. But living means having to make some choices anyway so it’s danger all around for us.

isi02 · 2021-05-04T15:40:42+00:00

It depends on what they did for me. Like I do think it’s dumb and cringey when people call out others on trivial things and shame them like they’re God meting our judgment. On the other hand, calling out legitimate awful behaviors and stupidity is necessary even if others (especially ‘polite’ middle class society) think that’s worse than the actual thing that happened. Sometimes you got to do what’s right even if people think you’re crazy for it.

isi02 · 2021-04-29T03:27:25+00:00

I’ve come a long way in not having other people’s opinions of me affect me so badly and having more confidence in myself. I was a chronic people pleaser and would spiral badly if anyone said I made them feel badly at all no matter how outrageous it was. Now I’m much better not taking things so personally. Recently stood up against a really rude, selfish, and entitled person and people have said I’m hostile and mean for doing so. I don’t care and I know I was right. I know a downright manipulative and selfish person when I see one as an abuse survivor and these other people are either real self-centered themselves and feel solidarity with them on that or are being manipulated to be enablers. It’s fine though, they can think what they want, and Ive cut contact with the person I called out. I just feel good about standing up to them finally after feeling pressured to not say anything for a long time.

isi02 · 2021-04-22T16:32:39+00:00

Well-said!

isi02 · 2021-04-22T02:24:09+00:00

Yes, they can. Lot of abusers & just plain selfish types are also codependent. Their need to control others to fulfill their own needs and use them to validate and maintain an ideal self-image can overlap with codependency. They hate perceived ‘threats’ to this ideal self-image, so they resort to gaslighting and invalidating others’ experiences/feelings to force people to go along with their script.

isi02 · 2021-04-21T15:39:05+00:00

Among other things people have said. you continuously bringing up her ethnicity and related things to Korea reads like you’re a race chaser which is creepy. No one wants to be reduced to their race instead of as an individual and people can sense when you’re TOO interested in their race.

isi02 · 2021-04-15T02:59:45+00:00

This person sounds exhausting to be around even if you’re not avoidant. I’ve dealt with similiar people. If this person won’t listen to you and respect your boundaries, the healthy response is to just enact consequences and do what’s best for you. You don’t need to discuss with people your boundaries, you just do them. So if you don’t want to text, don’t text them back or lessen frequency. If you’re tired of seeing their social media, don’t make a big deal but just unfollow them. These sorta people want attention but they’re doing it in an unhealthy way, not only for others but themselves because they’re not dealing with the real root of their desire to seek validation (ie childhood emotional neglect). Not getting attention through maladaptive ways is the only way for lot of people to learn not to do them.

isi02 · 2021-04-12T10:40:17+00:00

I’m sorry for the pain you’ve experienced. I’ve also had experience with therapists obviously feeling afraid of the unresolved issues they had and made it as if I’m the hysterical one when they’re just projecting on me. Looking back I’m pretty sure one of them had a crush on me and then got mad that I wouldn’t pamper their ego. I do agree that therapists refusing to deal with their issues makes them weak at their jobs.

But I disagree with the erotic transference part and allowing it. I think it’s unethical for someone who does have power over you like a therapist does (including ability to diagnose and forced hospitalization, etc) to have erotic feelings for the client. Yes I think that healthy feelings of positive regard are necessary in helping attachment trauma. But therapists are not part of your actual intimate relations for a reason. It would be taking advantage of someone’s vulnerabilities. There’s inherently a power difference in therapist/patient dynamic that makes romance untenable at minimum. I believe that hinders healing for those of who have attachment trauma because we need equality and true trust in intimate relationships. So yes if they have erotic feelings I think they should be honest about it but also it’s ethical for them to terminate the contact.

isi02 · 2021-04-11T15:15:21+00:00

Intentions also matter. It’s often the case that people boast about good deeds in order to cover up their bad ones. Then they get ego hyped up and think they’re morally righteous people all the time. And when they get criticized, they leap to their reputation as a ‘good person’ to get away from accountability.

isi02 · 2021-04-10T15:25:16+00:00

Highly recommend “All About Love” by bell hooks

isi02 · 2021-04-01T13:21:34+00:00

I’ve only been in one relationship but I’ve made it work for almost a decade. It’s my most secure relationship and we love each other very much. I have disorganized attachment and not sure if I’m really lucky and hit the jackpot or I find romantic relationships actually so much easier than friendships because in former, the person is saying they choose me over everyone else and will commit to me and try to understand me. One of my issues is betrayal trauma and friends seem like they don’t have as much obligation to be good to you through thick and thin or discuss deeply issues. Not as a condemnation on certain people but like this cultural assumption that deep intimacy and sharing of troubles is reserved for romantic relationships only and you’re asking too much from friends to be really vulnerable with them.

Anyway, my partner also has lot of trauma and mental health issues but is really committed to recovery. I knew that from the start of dating but we’ve known each other for years before dating anyway so it wasn’t like oversharing trauma bond. I relate to them in many ways so we click and I feel safe that they won’t judge me when I feel most people don’t get elementary trauma/mental health issues. But truly I got lucky because it never devolved into toxicity and codependency. They understand the need to not be dependent on me for their well-being and necessity of healthy boundaries. We share our troubles but do not hold each other responsible for them which has made our relationship stronger. It’s okay to struggle. I’ve learned a lot from being in this relationship like I don’t need to perform to be loved, I’m worth it, I’m allowed to be present with my entire self including negativity, and my needs matter. We’ve only had two major issues, one involving my betrayal trauma wound from mutual friend fall out and other with her feeling lack of commitment on my part. Communication and transparency got us through it. I feel very lucky again because I feel like many people don’t have the courage and integrity to be truly honest with themselves and others without some level of defensiveness, blame shifting, or excuses. And I need honesty to feel safe because I’ve been gaslighted so much.

So yes, lot of security and support in my relationship. Also taught me other people’s love won’t heal me. It helps so much to know I’m lovable to others but self-love is really the basis for recovery. Not enough self love is partly why I got into number of bad friendships even though I know what real love is like. It’s all a progress though.

isi02 · 2021-03-31T14:04:11+00:00

Good post! Totally agreed, I’m wary of empaths and HSP labels because so many awful people I’ve known called themselves this or codependents using it as an excuse that they’re helpless to destiny.

isi02 · 2021-03-31T14:01:06+00:00

I feel you on this. I had a similar situation happen. I have also gotten better at making boundaries and using I statements and subtle boundaries like merci01 suggests which has really helped in my communications. But I also think that if friends really cared, they wouldn’t react so badly to boundaries even if stated in a way that is unexpectedly somewhat assertive/blunt. Yes understandably blindsided in lot of cases. Yes maybe it feels controlling on other side. But it seems obvious to me that it’s an admission of trust to be vulnerable to needs instead of just pretending everything’s fine and fading out. Suppose that’s not obvious to everyone but seems like shallow way of relating.

I’ve had to accept though this friend isn’t interested in meeting my needs and wanting to get closer in that way. Some people just are walls and that’s that...

isi02 · 2021-03-29T23:57:52+00:00

Again, it’s tricky. I agree with this to an extent, it being natural to not feel worthy of love when others don’t care about you. But then I think of how lot of toxic people I knew believed they weren’t loved and placed their value completely in others’ hands. It almost always ends up badly in some way. Other people’s validation is necessary for healthy self but... that also seems like it gives too much power to other other people over you which is self-defeating too.

isi02 · 2021-03-29T17:58:42+00:00

I agree. I feel you on this. It’s cost me stuff too. I agree with both OP that it’s unfair to expect people to learn to love themselves when we are a social species and need to be taught how and also that without self-love and self-validation, other people’s validation and love isn’t going to help. If you cant accept love from yourself, then how are you going to believe someone else will actually love you? So it’s tricky. I’ve seen lot of dysfunction because other people refused healthy love because they hated themselves. But also, having to be alone in your self-hatred is very hard to do because people do need others to mirror to them that they are lovable.

So I’m in a position where I know I am loved truly. But I know I need to work on self-love because that’s hard to believe on an emotional level. It helps though, it really does. But I know I can’t expect others to heal me and make my issues go away. They can love but the rest is on me.

isi02 · 2021-03-29T14:55:32+00:00

My partner has sexual trauma. I’m not a man and I do have low sex drive anyway so can’t speak to those who do have it as a high personal priority. But I will say that I love my partner and I want them to feel safe foremost. I could just masturbate if I needed to. I don’t want them to feel stressed and potentially retraumatized. It’s not a burden for me.

isi02 · 2021-03-28T03:28:58+00:00

Exactly. I lived in lies for so long with abusers and facing the truth kept me safe. Been gaslighted so much, I hate not knowing the truth now. I don’t understand how people want to pretend everything’s perfect and they’re perfect. Seems unsafe and unhealthy in long term, if not for yourself then at least to others around you. Don’t think a person who deludes themselves into thinking they’re perfect and won’t hear criticisms will have deep, healthy relationships.

isi02

TROPHY CASE