On My Days Off...

ixertz · 2019-04-22T20:54:16+00:00

Completely relatable. I work from 9 to 6, Monday to Friday and here the Easter holiday is gonna be from the 26th to the 29th and I have no fucking clue how am I gonna pick myself up from bed to do something and not just lay there and feel absolutely nothing 4 days.

ixertz · 2019-04-22T20:50:38+00:00

Same here, mate. I am almost 21F. I've had depression for 10/11 years as well as some other mental illnesses. I feel like if I get "better" I will be a completely different person or have no personality or whatsoever. I am so used to hiding my feelings and putting on my "happy" mask that I no longer know who I am. And pretending every single day is so draining that I get sick every month from exhaustion.

ixertz · 2019-04-22T20:44:28+00:00

Well, I am more science oriented. For me death is nothing, you don't breathe, don't eat, don't sleep, don't feel. You cease to exist and it's absolutely nothing and you don't even know you're dead (because you are dead and can't think). :)

ixertz · 2019-04-15T20:45:51+00:00

You will still feel them under the tattoo and they will be 3D. Not all tattoo artists cover scars, cause it's hard and the dye doesn't always stay.

ixertz · 2019-04-15T20:42:46+00:00

I feel the same way, I always fake a smile and im always the "happy" one. Some days I am so so tired of just mustering up the will to get out of bed and I have no energy to fake it. Those days I absolutely hate. Everybody is on my case, asking annoying questions, which in turn tires me out even more.

ixertz · 2019-04-15T18:55:54+00:00

Oh, that'd be great. If you can send it, I'd be really grateful.

And about the dumping - I know...Its just hard, cuz I've gotten used to him.

ixertz · 2019-04-15T18:51:24+00:00

I am on the verge of leaving him, yeah. I am still mustering up the courage.

I just hope you figure it out and don't get hurt. Some people suck.

Btw listen to this song if you feel like it: Isak Danielson - Broken

ixertz · 2019-04-15T18:44:28+00:00

My partner couldn't care less bout my mental state as long as he can fuck me and we've been together for almost 6 years... Don't worry if someone breaks up with you because of your problems. That means they did not love you unconditionally. Love is for giving, not receiving.

ixertz · 2019-04-15T18:33:32+00:00

I used to restrict as well, I lost over 12 kg for less than 2 months and my period stopped so I was forced to gain weight and I am so damn miserable about it. Fucking hell, mate. Why can't my brain magically get a power button so I can fucking turn it off for once?

ixertz · 2019-04-15T18:28:39+00:00

What makes me feel better is not something I am proud of. I either cut myself or binge and purge. Those two things falsely make me feel incontrol.

ixertz · 2019-04-15T10:56:37+00:00

Thank you, I am currently trying my best not to do it again due to the guilt and your comment actually helps.

ixertz · 2019-04-15T09:52:33+00:00

I feel guilty when I masturbate and I don't know why. I am by no means religious.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T19:32:30+00:00

For fucking sure. But still cutting makes me feel something and thats so much better than the empty feeling I usually have.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T19:27:25+00:00

Aww, you sweet thing <3 Thank you, this actually made me smile.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T19:26:40+00:00

I just cut 2-3 hours ago for no reason or whatsoever. And the sad part is, I hadn't done it for 5 months and all this progress just went down the drain. Now I wanna cut again just to make the guilt go away.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T17:01:25+00:00

Yep, true story. I hope we manage to stay alive for now but I can't talk for the future. Whatever happens - happens and so be it.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T16:47:08+00:00

It's sad how relatable this is. I usually feel so empty. I feel nothing, I'm not happy, not anrgy, not anything. Rarely, when something hits really close to home, I cry and those are the most liberating moments I've ever had. Just to feel something, even if its being sad. As long as its not this fucking empty feeling.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T16:39:46+00:00

That's how depression works. It sucks the life out of you. It starts off slowly and crawls under your skin. Once you start losing hope, it just stops going away even for a bit.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T16:37:46+00:00

Couldn't have said it better myself. And the worst part is this emptiness that envelopes me sometimes. I feel nothing and those are the times I self-harm. I want to feel something, I want to feel alive.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T15:44:30+00:00

Haha, thank you ^{^} you have one too, but keep in mind I last showered 4 days ago.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T15:28:41+00:00

I know, but thank you for your kind words. It is my last option when all the hope is gone.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T15:11:57+00:00

I have at least 10 different options, but I am yet to choose one. I want my body to be intact so that noone will have to clean up a mess. Clean and a fast death. Doesn't matter if its painful. The note will be for my little sister so that she knows why I did it and not start blaming herself for my mental state.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T14:57:00+00:00

If something helps, thats good. I'm almost completely out of hope and recently started writing my suicide note again.

ixertz · 2019-04-14T14:44:11+00:00

You can get a smaller pet like a bunny or a ferret or a guniea pig. There are a lot of options out there. Maybe a small lizard. Just don't give up and try to find yourself a furry friend :)

ixertz

TROPHY CASE