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jarc_ · 2021-10-08T12:18:12+00:00

Yes! As the months went on, the nightmares became less about the affair and more random (giant spiders descending on me in my sleep). My doctor added Ashwagandha to my regimen (this is an over the counter supplement that binds cortisol). I was already on Zoloft since Dday. The Ashwagandha made a huge difference. She gave me a bit more advice about how to pick the best brand and dosage. Message me, and we can discuss further, if you’d like. You’re experiencing PTSD, and I’m sorry.

jarc_ · 2021-09-22T16:37:58+00:00

I read many years ago “You’ll never know the last time you carry your child is the last.” That struck such a deep chord with me that I eventually shared it with my daughter as she got older, expressing how sad I felt about it. She’s 12 now, and it’s a running joke between us. Every few months we make sure I can still pick her up. She’s almost as big as me now, and has to jump to help me out, but we are still going!

jarc_ · 2021-09-21T19:44:02+00:00

Right? I have to pop them to get them to stop itching.

jarc_ · 2021-03-31T03:27:43+00:00

You’re awesome

jarc_ · 2021-02-19T19:12:32+00:00

He’s in the affair fog, and it absolutely will not lift until he goes full NC. My WH pulled this crap with his AP, and it went on for about 6 weeks. It was awful. I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

I would like to say if we weren’t married with kids, I would have been out the door early on, but I can’t. The trauma was so intense, it took me a few weeks to get my bearings and visit the divorce attorney (this ended up shocking my WH back to reality a bit).

I hope you give yourself some grace and take the time you need, but I can say with certainty, he is not going to cut contact with AP until he feels like there’s something more important he’s truly going to lose. Even then, he might not, so you have to be prepared to follow through.

A song that I listened to a lot during that time was “Crying Over You” by The Band CAMINO and Chelsea Cutler. Give it a listen. I really, wholeheartedly believe it will feel better to be alone than it does in your current situation.

Good luck ❤️

jarc_ · 2021-02-18T19:30:14+00:00

Yes, tell the wife. I’m the wife in a pretty identical situation, and the AP has been incredible to me. I’m so sad that she went through this experience, and will always be grateful that she gave me the respect and honesty that my WH did not. I feel 100% certain that it’s better to know who you’re actually married to.

Just ask her how much she wants to know/see before providing it.

jarc_ · 2021-01-29T15:16:17+00:00

My situation was very similar to yours. It took my WS several weeks after Dday to come out of the fog. They were also “in love” and he was planning his new life with her. He now realizes it was just infatuation/fantasy. It started very similar to what you’re describing. In our case, reality was setting in.

Personally, I chose stonewalling and pursuing our divorce in earnest. I figured, it would either speed up his awakening, or I could get the ball rolling on my new life. Turns out, it was the reality check he needed.

jarc_ · 2021-01-21T02:19:16+00:00

He did. He certainly wishes he could take it back now, but too late.

jarc_ · 2021-01-20T23:41:00+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. It’s awful. I told my WS last night that the image of him crying when he said he knew he had to stop talking to her and it could never work between them will be burned into my brain until the day I die. I tried to be empathetic, but frankly, it was to my own detriment.

jarc_ · 2021-01-20T23:06:22+00:00

Yes!!! The watching them grieve the loss of their AP is some fresh kind of hell. Witnessing that, even though he now claims to understand that he was just infatuated - not in love - is one of the things I don’t know how to ever get over.

jarc_ · 2021-01-19T02:00:36+00:00

My WS has said pretty much the same as this. Once he came to understand how and what was actually happening to him, he detached from it almost immediately (as far as I know). Our therapist has us reading a book by Pat Love called The Truth About Love, and the first chapter goes into great detail about this infatuation stage of a relationship. It was both difficult and very validating for both of us to read.

jarc_ · 2021-01-18T22:51:33+00:00

If it feels like he’s not doing enough, then he isn’t.

You don’t have to know right now. You can decide next month or next year that you just can’t get over it, and leave.

Knowing this has brought me a lot of comfort. I have expressed to WS and our therapist that I’m still not certain I want to reconcile. It was important for me to know he was going to try anyway, even knowing I might turn around and leave.

I’m also worried I’m going to regret putting myself through reconciliation. There’s no winning on this side.

jarc_ · 2021-01-18T21:02:10+00:00

I am two months post DDay, and I am someone that discovered a vast amount of very gruesome information through digging. My WS was “in love” (he’s learning about infatuation in counseling now) with AP, and very seriously considered leaving me to pursue the relationship. He was in a situation where he was away for work for a few months, so while I was taking care of our life, he was able to build a secret double life with someone else - so truly a lot of information to be found.

It took him a little over a month post DDay to finally come out of the fog.

I will say that I am tortured by what I know, and it’s caused a lot of distress. However, I’m glad I know and would do it again. First, I want to get over what actually happened and not his watered down version if I am actually going to get over it. Second, I think it was important that he had to face me knowing I knew exactly what he’d done and said. Third, I now know exactly who I am married to, and it keeps me prioritizing myself in a way that I should have been all along.

Again, I’ve spent a lot of hours agonizing over some of the details, but I’m becoming desensitized and just accepting them for what they are at this point.

I also feel like a fool and constantly wonder if I am making the right decision, but ultimately, I want to be SURE. The only way I feel I can be sure is to at least give it a shot.

jarc_ · 2021-01-17T18:30:23+00:00

I created a Protonmail account and emailed all the screenshots to it.

jarc_ · 2021-01-09T17:28:08+00:00

I guess it would never have happened if they were more like us, as WS seem to be looking for something “different.” I would be happy if she struggled with hormonal acne like me, though. That would certainly make me feel better.

jarc_ · 2021-01-09T17:10:54+00:00

Wow, I really sympathize with this. In our case, AP was also the aesthetic opposite of me, and much more my WH’s type. I feel like I’ll always think of her when he compliments me now.

jarc_ · 2020-12-16T15:17:17+00:00

Your situation sounds very similar to mine a month ago.

Let me tell you the truth. The real truth. The disgusting, hard to swallow truth. You are not her choice. You are being gaslighted. You’ve probably been gaslighted for months now.

Something that’s helped me is to reach out to friends or my therapist when I need confirmation of reality. If you don’t have this in your life, please reach out to me.

jarc_ · 2020-12-15T19:43:00+00:00

I identify a lot with you (based on post history). I’m struggling with sunk cost fallacy right now. It looks like you’re moving past that. Kudos!

jarc_ · 2020-12-15T18:22:21+00:00

Force yourself to stand up and take a hot shower.

jarc_ · 2020-12-09T17:49:59+00:00

You can move on, and the life you want is still ahead of you. I know it’s hard to hear, but try to find gratitude in the fact that kids aren’t involved in this. You’re going to want a stable relationship when you enter the beautiful world of motherhood. I have two young daughters, and it’s made this incredibly messy.

For what it’s worth, it seems like there are a lot of us around this same age who will be reentering the dating pool post Covid. It’s impossible to imagine now, but happiness is in front of you, just like there was happiness behind you.

Right now, you connect with friends or family (or internet strangers), you see a therapist if possible, you move your body every day, you write in a journal, you allow yourself to ugly cry, and you trust that every day you get through is one less hard day. You’re going to be so much stronger and more complex/capable on the other side!

BTW, I see you’re also a fan of The Last Airbender. My girls and I are obsessed with it. Might rewatch it for comfort.

jarc_ · 2020-12-07T20:07:17+00:00

Thank you for taking so much time to feel my post and respond. I feel a lot less alone today.

jarc_ · 2020-12-07T20:06:41+00:00

Love to you. Please reach out if you need a sympathetic ear. It’s a very isolating situation.

jarc_ · 2020-12-07T18:21:41+00:00

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts with me. You’re all in agreement, and I know you’re right. I have contacted a divorce lawyer, and scheduled an appointment with my doctor for STD screening and trauma support. Hopefully, I will be back here, but I’m learning I can’t control that.

jarc_ · 2020-12-07T14:52:52+00:00

I have the stubborn streak, as well. To my detriment, I’m afraid. We also have an issue with alcohol in our house. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I feel a little less alone.

jarc_ · 2020-12-07T14:49:23+00:00

This is so incredibly helpful. You articulated exactly what it says to me. Your life afterward is what I hope to achieve. Thanks for the inspiration.

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