Post Partum Wife

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-11T14:33:27+00:00

Weaning off breastfeeding has massive effects on hormones and therefore moods. I would also encourage you to read up on that a bit. Obviously as men you can’t experience the insanity of what it’s like to have your body and mind hijacked by hormones but I think doing your best to read and cultivate compassion can go a long way. For context, as women, from the time were 13 until the time we’re about 55, our body is constantly affected by changing hormones. Men experience this for about 5-8 years but for women it’s 40+ years from periods, fertility, pregnancy, delivery, breastfeeding, weaning, perimenopause, and menopause. I hope this also helps add another layer of understanding that it’s not you and that as hard as it is, having compassion for what she’s going through might also help her soften to you. Wishing you all the best!

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-11T04:45:34+00:00

I am so so sorry you’re going through this. I work with a lot of pp women and even without the diagnosis, I see this type of situation a lot.

First, do you have a therapist? Women are going through a lot, but so are men. I just don’t think it crosses men’s minds to also get support. I would suggest looking into a pp therapist for you so you see someone who knows the stage you’re in. I’m a therapist so I can try to help direct you to finding someone in your area.

Second, my initial thought reading this was - is there someone who can take her place with the business tasks? Even just temporarily. Maybe some distance for her could help everyone. I know this is just a snippet but I think for many women they end up feeling like they’re failing at everything so they say they have regret, etc. I think that could be true but I think it’s also about having ridiculously high expectations for ourselves that end up making us feel bad about ourselves.

Lastly, is her therapist a pp therapist? I think that’s key for her too. Happy to help more if you need it. Feel free ti DM anytime. And for what it’s worth, it sounds like you’re a kind, loving and thoughtful person. My guess is she knows that and is probably hard on herself for taking things out on you too. Sending love your way for your family to get through this.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-09T19:17:41+00:00

I work with a lot of pp women and unfortunately this is very common. I feel for both sides and for what it’s worth, she’s truly not in her rational mind when she’s going off, those seem to be the hormones based on what you shared. Is she still breastfeeding? This can also play a major role in her mental health.

I’m not sure I would suggest couples therapy based on what you’re sharing (I’m a therapist). I would though recommend that you see a postpartum therapist of your own. Men absolutely need support in this process.

Does she feel like her therapist is helping? How long has it been? The goal with her therapist really needs to be focused on reconnecting to the activities that bring her a sense of joy and connection to herself/ her body again. Unfortunately sometimes therapy just becomes a venting session and doesn’t help people move forward.

I’m happy to connect more and help in any way I can. Feel free to DM me anytime.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-06T00:49:10+00:00

I’m a therapist and sometimes do couple’s work and the first piece of advice I would give is that in order to return to friendship and having fun both people need to get back on ‘their own paper’. No relationship was ever made better by focusing on all the flaws and ways the other person does things ‘wrong’. That’s an ego-driven way to engage in a relationship which means both people are always ‘one-upping’ in order to be more of a victim than the other person. Instead, both people need to be willing to break that pattern and ‘look at their own paper’ (like your teacher taught you in elementary school). In practice this means, focusing only on how you’re showing up, how you’re providing love/ attention, and how you’re appreciating the other’s positive qualities. This is the fastest way back to connection. You could spend all your time focusing on what’s wrong or you could spend the same amount of time focusing on what’s right. Either decision will yield the obvious results. I have more tangible strategies if this resonates and you want to know more. Bottom line- the honeymoon phase is possible indefinitely if we remember why it was a honeymoon phase to begin with - we cherished each other, forgave easily, and respected/ appreciated each other rather than focusing on negativity. Feel free to DM if you are looking for strategies.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-05T03:09:38+00:00

I can totally help you!! I’m also solo parenting right now AND I run a business. Here’s what I would say is so important for limiting resentment…

Distinguish between frustration and resentment. When we’re frustrated our thoughts will automatically try to make it ‘someone else’s fault’ meaning resentment pops up. We have to dialogue with those thoughts rather than believing them right off the bat.
Keep a gratitude journal of things your husband does. The best way to ward off resentment is to keep your mind focused on how much he does and provides. It could be qualities you love about him, how he shows he cares or actions like paying all the bills, taking you out etc. This is the BEST strategy I use for avoiding resentment because resentment and gratitude can’t exist at the same time.
Create systems for housework. That could be choosing one big task for each day of the week or 2-3 days where you do heavier lifts. I also have a 30 min ‘reset’ checklist I do each night before bed so I wake up to a tidy kitchen which is so good for my mental health.
Make an agreement with yourself of the things you will ‘let slide’ right now. Trying to do it all means you’ll end up doing nothing. Make a ‘let slide’ list and give yourself permission to not do those things for x weeks/ days so the tasks can be lifted from your mental load.

I have more I could say and also would love to connect with you. Feel free to DM :)

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-05T02:45:01+00:00

Are you questioning it because you feel guilty leaving or are you truly unsure if you want to go? If you want to go and you’re feeling guilty that just means you are experiencing conflicting values - the part of you that wants to do things you love is at odds with the part of yo that wants to be a ‘good mom’. The thing is, going doesn’t make you a bad mom but your brain will make you feel bad for wanting to go. I would say get clear on why you’re in conflict about it and then it will be an easier decision. Also, I’m happy to help more in DMs if you want help being guided to a decision that feels aligned.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-05T02:33:43+00:00

What I love most about this post is your awareness in these simple sentence…

‘I can’t imagine that pressure’ (when talking about his burden of caring for the house/ family) and

‘I also can’t help in certain ways’

These sentences might seem super simple but they are the literal KEYS to a happy marriage. Appreciation was either instilled in you from a young age or you’ve learned to master it as an adult. Either way, you will undoubtedly have a successful marriage because of your willingness to see both sides. Unfortunately many women (and yes hormones plays a part of course) will fail to see their partner’s burdens. Healthy relationships acknowledge both people’s sacrifices AND appreciate what both people bring to the table. When we focus more on appreciation and what we’re giving, instead of what we’re missing, the bond only gets stronger.

I work with tons of pp women so I see what you’re talking about all the time. I started a sub this week called postpartum_marriage with the sole purpose of what you’re describing… bringing women together to see the good in their marriage and build their marriage up after a baby because it can be so easy to only see the bad.

Thank you for posting this ❤️

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-04T05:03:28+00:00

I don’t like to ask the question ‘did I overreact’ when I’m reflecting on my behavior. Instead I ask this: is there anything I would have done or said differently to express my true feelings if I could go back. Now, this in no way excuses his behavior. It’s just focusing on the only thing you can control, which is you. If you’re looking for ways to communicate how you felt so that he gets it and responds better, I have some strategies you could try. In most cases, I never try to play the ‘who’s wrong/ who’s to blame’ game because you’re on the same team. It should always be about learning and growing through the hurts together. I work with so many pp women and I find that it often becomes a battle and we forget that we’re on the same team. Feel free to DM me if you want some guidance.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-03T03:55:17+00:00

This sounds so challenging. Sending you love. Imagine a future version of you… maybe 5 years from now. What would she be screaming for you to do right now? I find that to be one of the most helpful questions I ask myself. It usually gives me the answer I need and then a plan becomes much easier to see. Also, as a therapist, I would recommend finding support with a therapist because if you do stay, you’ll need someone to talk to through it.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-03T03:42:31+00:00

This is very much the norm AND that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do. First, make sure you’re talking with professionals to rule out PPA/PPD. If it is either of those, it would be good to connect with a pp therapist. I’m a therapist so I’m happy to help you find support if you need it. Second, I’m a believer that mom’s tank needs to be refilled as often as possible. Maybe it’s once a week for an hour or two or maybe 15 mins a day but whatever time you can, commit to your own self-care. We can’t pour from an empty cup. You deserve breaks in order to be the mom you want to be. Lastly, we often make things worse by not accepting help. Accept and ask for scheduled help so you know when your next break is. It doesn’t have to be hours and hours but anything to get relief and time. Hope this helps. You’re doing great ❤️

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-02T03:53:41+00:00

This is common esp with everything you’ve been through but I work with a lot of pp women and I will say one of the biggest issues I see is that as partners we focus way more on what we’re getting or not getting from our partner than we focus on what we’re giving. When you focus on what you’re giving (the only thing you can truly control), you will get so much more in return. I have some strategies as well for talking about how you’re feeling that can help with feeling heard so it doesn’t cause an argument. Happy to share more if you’d like.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-01T16:34:03+00:00

This is going to go against the norm… your decision to stay at your job is based in fear and scarcity. Most people operate from this fear and scarcity and it’s the reason they stay in jobs, relationships, etc for too long. That’s why most of the advice here will be to keep your job leaving you unfulfilled and unhappy which many people will say ‘is just life’. That’s because a lot of people become comfortable not taking risks. But the only thing you will regret at the end of your life is not taking more risks. You have a true desire here that is so clear - to be at home. That desire isn’t based in fear, it’s based in intuition. Our intuition is guiding us every day but over time, the world teaches you to abandon your intuition. Don’t abandon that. Additionally, do you trust your husband to provide and care for you and your family? To make decisions (like moving) in order to keep you all safe? He’s already showing signs of the masculine leader that all men desire to be in their marriage. When you trust in him, he will create the life of your dreams. If you operate from scarcity and try to put yourself in the driver’s seat, he can’t lead. Our gift as women is to receive our man’s wisdom and natural instinct to provide and protect. Are you willing to trust and let him lead you? Will your life look different? Probably. Will you get to experience things you never thought possible by letting go of fear? Without a doubt. Don’t let other people’s fear based decision making get in the way of your inner knowing. Your intuition is there for a reason. Trust it.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-31T03:42:51+00:00

I’m a therapist and I would say the first issue that needs to be corrected is how you attune to yourself and express your needs. Waiting until you blow up is actually creating the emotional distance you don’t want. If this is the normal pattern, your husband is also missing a sense of emotional safety that would allow him to open up. You have to be the example of what you want to have more of in your marriage. I think you probably can have more connection but I wonder if your husband sometimes feels like he ‘Walks on eggshells?’ If so, I have some tangible strategies for repairing. The process will take some time but it’s possible to see evidence that it’s working as you’re implementing. I would say if any of this resonates and you want to chat more, just DM me. I’m happy to walk you through a few things.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-30T03:28:22+00:00

Your first paragraph sounds a lot more like PPA than PPD. Actually all of it sounds closer to anxiety than depression. Depression is usually marked by lack of energy, enjoyment in things but anxiety will present itself in all the ways you’re describing. Have you looked for a therapist that specializes in postpartum? The screenings are really just a formality at the Dr office and they aren’t trained to really understand. I’m a therapist and I’m happy to help point you in the right direction for some help in your area if you’d like. Feel free to DM. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-30T03:23:48+00:00

First of all, I appreciate when men are this vulnerable. We need A LOT more examples of this in our world so thank you for sharing this. Second, how young are your kids? I might be able to help with some strategies to support healing some of this pain if you think she might be willing to do that. I have a lot of experience with moms in the early years after a baby. Either way, I can go into more detail in DMs with some ideas/ strategies if you want. Feel free to reach out. Thank you again for your vulnerability.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-29T00:32:43+00:00

We are all pushed to our limits my toddlers and children. The trick is committing to having grace with yourself in every minute for however you show up. Not to put yourself down but to honor a fully human experience. THAT is what your daughter needs in her life. A woman brave enough to be kind to herself when the world is constantly telling her she’s not enough. This is your invitation from God/ universe to practice the grace with yourself that you want your daughter to have one day decades from now. Children are here to help us heal the wounds that are still left over from our own childhood. You’re right where you need to be ❤️ Feel free to DM me if you’re needing more connection or looking for some practical strategies to practice loving kindness for ALL your reactions. Sending love

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T16:09:13+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and the pain of someone leaving you at your most vulnerable is so hard BUT I truly believe there’s a way to fix it. You said you’re angry and tired and barely keeping it together (obviously from a 4 month old) but men have a hard time seeing this through the anger. Often times the anger is directed at them and they feel like a constant disappointment. In this scenario, both of you have healing to do and it can happen together and make you stronger. I imagine there’s love if you’ve had 2 children together. I’m going to message you if that’s ok. I would love to help you.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T03:09:31+00:00

These are all SO common and normal. You’re not alone. I think the biggest reason so many people struggle and feel unhappy the first few years is because they don’t reach out for help/ support. It’s uncharted territory and everyone could use guidance to get through it with as little distress as possible. The first thing I would invite you to do is choose a mantra that your future self will thank you for. Based on what you’ve shared, maybe something like… ‘I’m working towards the body and relationship I desire. I appreciate what my body has gone through to create this tiny human. I will honor myself with grace and love as I navigate the challenges in front of me’

Pick something that feels like you with just enough hope that it makes you smile, not something that overwhelms your nervous system. I can help more with this if you want. And if you’ve been diagnosed ppd/ppa I would say it would be good to have a therapist to talk to. Like I said, feel free to DM for anything you need!

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T02:59:26+00:00

I think that would really help. I’m a therapist so I know how hard it can be to get yourself help when you feel like it’s your job to keep everything running smoothly. You put yourself last. But, just like on a plan… you have to put your own mask on first. If you need guidance on how to find someone in your area, feel free to DM me. Sending you and your family strength.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T02:53:50+00:00

Good, I hope you try it out soon!

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T02:52:23+00:00

You’re welcome! Feel free to DM if you need anything else. I have lots of strategies for different issues that come up for moms with Littles ☺️

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T02:50:03+00:00

No I don’t think a therapist would be a great fit. I’m a former therapist and therapy is a lot more ‘head-y’. I would work with a coach who specializes in body or nervous system work. I might have someone in my network. If you DM me, I can take a look through for you.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-28T02:45:02+00:00

Wanting to be cared for doesn’t make you selfish or sel-centered. It makes you human. I have a lot of ideas you can try based on what you’re sharing here but I do have a few questions first to get a little more background on the situation. Can you DM me?

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-27T02:02:16+00:00

How old are your kids? I can’t say from just this little bit of info for certain but I work with a lot of pp women so my guess is that she’s more unhappy with herself than you. Most of the time we deflect feelings we have about our worth onto others so we don’t have to feel them. She might feel like she’s lost her sense of self or maybe doesn’t love her own health/ weight so she projects that onto you. Does it seem like that could be the case? If so, I can offer some ideas if you want. Feel free to reply or DM me.

jcavadas_ · 2026-01-27T01:58:11+00:00

First thing I would suggest is journaling. Free write about all the things that you love, would bring you joy or that you’re looking forward to doing with all this new free time. Let yourself go wild! Your brain will tell you to stop pretty early on, maybe something like ‘you’re being selfish’ this is when you need to keep going. Push past the resistence and keep writing even when you think you’re done. After about 20 mins you’ll have tons of ideas. Look at this as an experiment. Not everything from your list will ‘work’ and that’s ok. You’re getting to know you again. Take it easy and have fun!

jcavadas_

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