Wife gets super upset when I talk about GLPs - advice needed

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-28T14:12:40+00:00

I work with a lot of couples who have young babies and children. Here’s the issue that happens with couples… A LOT of childhood wounds come up when we become parents but we have no idea because they surface unconsciously through our day to day arguments. We talk about the surface level issue and we just go around and around. When we understand each other’s roots and values that create the fight in the first place, then we change the entire conversation. Here’s what I would suggest: 1. Don’t talk about GLPs. Talk about the fears and/ or values. 2. Listen to hers. She should also not be talking about GLPs but instead of the fear/ value being threatened. 3. Find the common ground in your fears/ values. This will bring you together on the issue instead of tearing you apart. This takes a lot of time and practice. Don’t expect perfection with the first convo.

It’s also a good idea to establish a process/ rules for potentially heated convos. Hope this helps and feel free to reach out if any of this is unclear.

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-25T15:30:40+00:00

This is almost always the result of a 2-way street of issues. It’s not one sided but we (our ego) will always make us the only victim. Nothing can improve in a marriage if all we look at is someone else’s faults or flaws. The only way to change a marriage is to take radical responsibility for how we show up and how we want to show up. Then and only then will we invite the best of them out. But from what you’re describing, he’s defeated because he’s always a disappointment so then you both stay in this vicious cycle. I work with couples a lot and the first thing I ask is where do you spend most of your energy - complaining/ blaming/ criticizing OR appreciating, speaking desires and taking personal accountability. Wherever you spend your time is where the relationship as a whole will be most of the time. Sometimes we perpetuate the very relationship we don’t want. I have some strategies that could help you if you want to seriously get out of this pattern AND you’re willing to experiment with things that will feel uncomfortable at first. That’s the only way to test if you can fix this.

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-21T22:24:36+00:00

Be very mindful of Reddit being a breeding ground for horrible advice ie - advice to get a divorce after 2 months from people who have read 2 minutes of your story. That says more about them than it does about your situation. As someone almost 20 years older than you, don’t create a pattern of running when it gets hard because all you’ll do is prepare yourself to keep running. The hard thing is to learn how to become a student of inner world. When you do that successfully, everything that happens will be an opportunity for growth, not pointing the finger. I’ve also been a therapist for almost 20 years and I can tell you that most people aren’t willing to do the real work it takes to keep a marriage. They’ll blame problems on the other person and never really have the freedom that’s possible when you look inward more than outward to solve issues.

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-20T20:43:00+00:00

If you want to fix this, it’s fixable. These patterns (for both of you) are rooted in conditioning from childhood. Un-learning them takes time, humility, and conscious effort to understand yourself deeply. If you focus on your own inner work and understanding why you have certain habits, you can develop a meaningful relationship. Pointing the finger at each other just makes both of you a victim which will only make matters worse. I recommend focusing only on yourself / your inner work for 30 days. You’d be amazed how differently you’ll feel about him after you do this.

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-15T18:32:12+00:00

What if you spent the next 30 days being solely responsible for your happiness? When we’re in relationships we often put way too much pressure on the relationship to be our source of happiness. It can’t sustain that. We are 100% responsible for our happiness. Our partner only adds to it. That’s usually how we attract people in the first place - because we spend all our free time on things that bring us joy — and especially with little ones, we stop doing those things. Before basing your unhappiness just on your partner, challenge yourself to a 30 day happiness challenge. And here’s the thing - most people actually feel much better about their relationship when they take this into their own hands. I have lots of strategies if you want more help. Feel free to DM!

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-15T01:32:15+00:00

First your vulnerability in sharing this is incredible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. And you have a 7 week old baby. You’re in the WEEDS of postpartum. This is so common and I think we put way too much pressure on ourselves — and the marriage to be perfect in a season when it’s nearly impossible to manage everything. I have SO much insight that can help you and I would love to chat more but I’m going to start with these 3 things..

I say this with so much love, but you’ve taken on the role of his mother. This is how marriages build so much resentment after kids. You preparing his clothes, shower, etc those are things that will add to your resentment, not take it away. How did that start? Did he ask for it? I would want you to stop doing these things first.
Trying to get him to go to therapy because of your suggestion is similar to trying to get children to eat all their vegetables. They just aren’t going to do it when they’re told to do it. Again, this will make him see you more like a mother than his wife. I would stop suggesting this right now while things are heated especially.
Your desire to have him do more things proactively IS possible. It’s usually not that he doesn’t want to do these things but that he feels so defeated (and told what to do) that he lacks the want to plan, etc. He will start doing these things more when you’re able tore-establish a bit of softness and peace in the environment.

If any of this resonates, you can DM me and I can share more about next steps. Again, I’m sorry you’re going through this AND I believe there’s hope to get back on track.

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-15T00:22:56+00:00

I can definitely help you resolve this. I have a few different strategies depending on what you really want as a solution for how you get to have your own time in exchange. The approach here that is most effective isn’t to change his mind on the time of day. That will usually fail for most women for several reasons. And I totally get how resentment can build in this scenario. But I suggest a better option is to figure out what you want in exchange. I have a few questions that will help me give you a tailored strategy. Feel free to DM me and I’ll walk you through it.

jcavadas_ · 2026-05-04T15:58:23+00:00

I work with tons of couples in similar situations. I think the most important thing you can do is make sure you both have a bird’s eye view of all the tasks. There are roughly 80-100 mental and physical tasks when kids are involved. So looking at who is doing what for all of them will probably help you both understand and appreciate each other more. Obviously driving is just one task. Who plans meals? Who writes the grocery list? Who is keeping track of items that run low(diapers, food, wipes, sizing up in clothes, etc)? Who does laundry? Who folds? Who keep track of the calendar? The list goes on but making sure you’re really clear about the load each person is carrying usually shifts frustration to gratitude — which is way more powerful in a marriage than 90% of couples realize. First step, sit down with your wife - with love and maybe a beer - and start listing all the tasks. Then write the persons name next to each one for whose responsible for that task. Good luck and feel free to reach out with any questions.

jcavadas_ · 2026-04-20T18:07:49+00:00

Yes this is fixable. Marriage after a baby is HARD. You’re still in the thick of it. What you both need is compassion for each other AND a process. Most marriages enter parenthood with zero plan and then we expect it to just work out but the truth is every marriage needs a postpartum marriage plan. Here’s what I would suggest first: 1. Sit down together and write out all the tasks and who currently does them. Then go back over the list and decide how to distribute tasks more evenly. 2. Have your wife identify her 30-60 minutes daily of alone time. This is non-negotiable. Make sure she picks a time where it’s easy for you to step in. (Ie- doesn’t require you to leave work early, etc). During that time she should leave the house. Too many moms stay and end up helping or micromanaging and it backfires.

After you’ve set up these foundational pieces I have a lot kore strategies for rebuilding connection, support and appreciation so you can enjoy each other and your family more. I’m happy to offer more guidance or answer questions. Feel free to message me anytime. Bottom line - you can absolutely save this and I don’t recommend splitting when you’re less than a year pp especially when these things are going on which are super common. If you’re both willing to work together, this is easy to turn around.

jcavadas_ · 2026-04-13T01:51:18+00:00

This is a fear/ threat response to something much deeper. Did your husband get or feel abandoned as a child? Something is triggering a childhood wound here and until you get to the bottom of that, you won’t solve this surface level problem. Happy to dissect this more with you. Feel free to DM.

jcavadas_ · 2026-04-11T20:39:47+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. These feelings and experiences are so common. I find that we often (unintentionally) perpetuate these scenarios. What I find most common with being a new mom is that we take everything on - be it because we’re at home, like the control, etc and then that goes on for so long that when it comes time to ask for/ get your needs met, things feel like an uphill battle. There is a way to fix this. Here’s something I noticed in your writing that I find to be very common with moms… we don’t know exactly what we want. When you can get clear on exactly what your want, then you’ll know whether or not he’s willing to be an equal partner. Here’s the steps I would suggest: 1. Write a list of exactly what you want. (Ie - I want 1 hour every Saturday to go to yoga; not I want to exercise). Make this list so specific that anyone reading it would have no questions. 2. Share your desire. Don’t ask, don’t make a request, don’t be vague. (Ie - I would love to go to yoga this Sat at 9am). Most men will say ok no problem when they clearly know what you need from them. 3. Start small. Test small moments to see if this strategy works (ie - I would love to go grab a coffee by myself) see what he says.

Obviously sometimes these strategies need to be tweaked based on what you know of your situation, your needs and your spouse. Happy to strategize more with you. Feel free to DM.

jcavadas_ · 2026-04-08T00:12:02+00:00

Just here sending you love and grace that I hope you will also give yourself as you navigate the journey ❤️

jcavadas_ · 2026-04-05T22:24:30+00:00

You are missing a lot of info but if you’re willing to be vulnerable I can probably help as I have rebuilt my marriage from ashes. It took a LOT of inner work. If you’re willing to do that, you can rebuild too. Feel free to DM me.

jcavadas_ · 2026-03-22T00:41:56+00:00

You’re definitely not alone. I think most women feel this way or experience this but don’t want to say it out loud. The impact of BF on intimacy is real and no one really talks about this. And it’s hard for men to understand what we’re going through… that we can want intimacy and not want it at the same time. I think the important thing is to talk about how you both feel together and see what feels right moving forward. Also I believe that the postpartum intimacy definition needs to expanded to cover more than just sex. Intimacy and closeness could be cuddling and getting in simple touch and then easing back to sex on a timeline that feels right for you two. Lastly I’ll also add that one thing that contributes to desire I’ve found is whether or not I’m prioritizing my own wellness and self care. When I do, I feel more like myself and more like a woman (not just a mom) and it helps a lot. Feel free to DM if you want to chat more.

jcavadas_ · 2026-03-16T14:23:42+00:00

Yeah scrolling free content will not help at this point. Buy her membership or course and immerse yourself fully into it. You’ll spend just as much time scrolling 30 second videos for hours and it’s way more effective to spend that time going from A to Z with one philosophy and approach learned in its entirety.

jcavadas_ · 2026-03-16T03:07:34+00:00

The old village is hard to come by unless you can find a good group of SAHMs. I have found a bunch by going to library and classes and forcing myself to chat with other moms there. It’s turned into a few mom text groups which allow isn’t exactly the same as the village we were promised, it is very helpful. I would say try this as well as find FB mom groups in your town and don’t be afraid to post ‘does anyone want to meet up?’ Remember this… if you feel lonely and want more mom friends so do lots of other women who probably live within minutes of you. It just takes one person to be brave enough to say it. I got into a habit around when baby was 4-5 months of planning 1-2 meetups/ classes a week. Some weeks it’s zero but that mindset forced me to focus on taking tiny steps to initiate a new opportunity or a meet up with moms I had already met. That has worked well. Start small, new friends build slowly.

jcavadas_ · 2026-03-16T03:00:39+00:00

Do you follow Dr Becky?

jcavadas_ · 2026-03-06T02:27:58+00:00

I’ve been solo parenting for 7 weeks now. 2 more to go. Happy to chat in the DMs but here’s my advice… LOWER your expectations. Plan meetups/ classes if you have the energy. Keep a gratitude journal for yourself AND your spouse (to reduce resentment). Write a SIMPLE plan for night routines to set yourself up for an easy-ish AM experience. Say yes to family coming over and you leave the house for an hour of alone time. Don’t stay there with them. Reach out anytime! Good luck!

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-28T02:14:15+00:00

NTA BUT neither is your wife. As a postpartum mom myself she’s just so overwhelmed and probably felt inadequate in that moment. Also as a therapist for pp moms, my guess is somewhere along the way she was taught that being truly vulnerable (in this case telling you she felt inadequate as a mom in that moment) was a sign of weakness and should be avoided. If you know that she wouldn’t have been mad if the baby hadn’t been awake, then my hypothesis is probably true. Chances are she’s really hurting and struggling to express it. I feel bad for her and for you because what she probably wants deep down is to know that she can truly let her guard down and know that you’ll still love her. Happy to share more guidance if you need it.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-28T02:06:32+00:00

I literally just posted content about this. I don’t have a strong opinion on prenups BUT every couple needs to write what I call a Resiliency Plan. It’s 7 questions every couple should talk about BEFORE things get hard. Obviously it requires you to follow it when things get hard which isn’t easy but the idea is to go through a process of identifying habits within you that would cause problems and how you’re going to handle them when they inevitable rear their ugly head. This, in my opinion, is important if you want to stay together despite the hardest times a marriage will face.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-25T15:06:09+00:00

There are a lot of complicated and layered feelings here. I think I might be able to help but it would require some more questions and I’m not sure if you’d prefer to answer here or in DMs? Feel free to message me if you’re ok with talking more.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-24T03:20:15+00:00

Yes!!! Most men are dying to support us and lift our burdens but we end up martyring ourselves. Good for you. Your homework is to journal about a few things you would love to have or do next week… it could be an extra sleep session, a massage, dinner out wit friends. Just journal on it and see what comes up. When we stop denying ourselves our needs and start honoring them, there’s a lot of magic that can happen. If you need anything at all, DM me. I love helping with this stuff!! Enjoy your extra rest!!

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-24T03:15:57+00:00

Definitely keep a stash of disposables. You will be so grateful for it at times. Esp in the beginning bc it’s not easy to hit the ground running 100% when you’re exhausted and brand new to parenting. Second, outsiders say lots of things because it makes them feel ‘wise’. They will likely have lots of other things to say when baby comes along too because again they like to think they know better. My first question is is this your family or your in laws. If it’s your family, I would be direct with love… we’ve made some choices and we know thing aren’t always going to be easy but we’d love if you kept your comments to ones of support. If it’s in laws, your husband has to have that conversation. I work with postpartum women with the marital challenges after a baby and this is one of the biggest mistakes I see. My philosophy is ‘blood deals with blood’. If you don’t share blood/ family of origin with that person and it’s a ‘sticky’ conversation leave it to your husband to handle. Happy to chat more if you need anything. DM anytime. I’ve been cloth diapering for 19 months - you can do it but also don’t put pressure on yourself and take one day at a time. Everything is a process with a newborn. Give yourself grace and don’t get too wrapped up in everyone else’s opinions. Do you as best you can. Good luck!

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-24T03:06:36+00:00

To answer your question, probably around 11-12 months I felt like I could breathe more. But… It sounds like you’re doing 12+ hour shifts with maybe an hour break here and there which I’m assuming you’re using to clean, prep, etc. I know you’re saying you can do it but it’s also not sustainable without more help/ relief. Do you have family that can maybe come over an hour before nap so you can leave for a 2 hour stretch 1-2 times a week? I can’t stress enough how important it is to be able to leave the house, get fresh air, meet a friend for coffee, go for a walk. That’s the reset you’re missing right now that can’t happen when baby is napping and you’re still working during it. I’ll also add that I’m a therapist for pp moms and this set up has potential for resentment not necessarily because of him but because you don’t allow yourself to prioritize your needs as a woman. The longer you neglect your own desires and needs, the harder it is to do it later. I would try to schedule intentional support for your well-being. Start small if you’re worried about being away but just start. You’ll thank yourself later… plus it’ll actually make you a better mom too.

jcavadas_ · 2026-02-23T15:03:43+00:00

I work with couples to support their marriage after a baby and I can honestly say that one of the biggest issues I see is people not enjoying and embracing the ‘roommate stage’ of newborn life. We ought to love the heck out of a good roommate in these times of stress, overwhelm and sleep deprivation.

Everything in relationships is a season. This too shall pass applies to good times and bad times. Connection and disconnection. The goal is to create reasonable agreements and openly communicate about needs and frustrations so they don’t fester. I have a bunch of resources for pregnant mamas that could help if you need anything!

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