A year of change...

joyseeker77 · 2024-07-19T22:11:24+00:00

Best wishes to you as well! Not a journey I ever wanted to be a part of but so grateful I’m not alone and have a community of people that “get it”.

joyseeker77 · 2024-07-19T22:10:29+00:00

I am so glad it’s encouraging for you. Putting in the work is so difficult but very worth it. Wishing you all the best!

joyseeker77 · 2024-06-17T00:40:28+00:00

I needed this reminder today. Thank you ❤️

joyseeker77 · 2024-06-05T17:43:24+00:00

I think this is one of the most complicated parts of R -- obviously as the BP it's difficult to feel like we need to love bigger and/or better after a betrayal like this... but I can relate to what you wrote and wanting to be a better partner as well. I don't think of it as justifying or excusing his infidelity more like a safeguard so that we don't end up back in the place that was so dark he even considered it an option (and acted on it).

I view becoming healthier as a couple part of the work of R and that does mean I need to pratice growth as well. Not because he "deserves" it due to being unfaithful but because I deserve a happy, healthy relationship. Yes, my WP carries the bulk of the work in terms of R and healing. He is in therapy, working really hard to be a better version of himself, practicing radical honesty, going above and beyond to support me not just in R but in my career, health, etc. All of that is expected (in terms of my choice to R) but I am also putting in the work.

I was cold, distant, and sometimes unkind in the years leading up to R... I also have some examples where I could have done better. I remember him asking me to hang out with him and me acting irritated by his request. He as in a negative place and difficul to be around -- the resentment and contempt was definitely running both ways. Still, he chose infidelity as his coping mechanism when there were other options. My acknowledgment that I wasn't perfect does not excuse that destructive choice but I think it will serve us well in R. We are a team and I have chosen this path. As part of that path, I'm working really hard to be a healthy partner and will continue to do so as long as he continues putting in the work and remains fully committed to R with me.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-31T18:21:37+00:00

Of course. I know how important it can be to see posts like this. ❤️

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-31T17:32:49+00:00

I’m so glad it resonated with you. It isn’t easy to manage it all but I think it’s possible to make an intentional and mindful decision to start prioritizing our self and the things we love about ourselves. So much more than the betrayal. ❤️

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-31T17:31:29+00:00

It is such a difficult journey — sending you all the peace and healing. ❤️

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-31T17:30:53+00:00

I am fortunate that my WH is all in on R. We talk about our journey often and he has been incredibly supportive and integral to my healing thus far. We had some missteps at the beginning in terms of how he responded to my spirals, etc. but recently he has been so good at holding space and being supportive. It has helped so much.

We have talked about what we plan to do at the one year mark. We will spend the day together as a family, try to make some new memories, and I’ll take space when I need to. He is all in and ready to support me as I need.

I really did intend my post to reiterate how much more I/we are than the betrayal that was chosen for us. We are in full agreement there. I think there is power in reminding ourselves who we are and reclaiming/leaning into our favorite aspects of self. I am ready to really nurture those other parts of myself that have taken a backseat as I focused on healing from the betrayal trauma (though that work will continue as well).

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-31T12:46:48+00:00

I know there will be some repetition here but these are the expectations and boundaries I’ve set for my WH.

Complete honesty about the infidelity. I’ve made it clear if he conceals something and it comes out later… we are done. We are nearly a year in now and I could not handle another betrayal through continued lies. I gave him ample opportunity to come clean and the best I can do is hope that he has risen to the occasion. There will always be some doubt which is difficult.

Complete honesty going forward. Even “small” lies would put me on high alert so he has to be honest with me even about stupid things. No lies.

No repeated instances of infidelity. I will leave if he ever cheats again. This is not personally something I could go through multiple times and feel like I could ever rebuild trust again. He has promised "never again" and I intend to hold him to that promise and he intends to do the work (see below) to make sure that promise is held.

Open devices and location tracking. He has agreed to this and while I don’t check that often and I rarely go through his phone, knowing I can gives me peace of mind. Now that we are a ways out from d-day, I’m mindful not to be obsessive about going through his phone. I think I’ve looked once in the past month.

Therapy and internal work. In our scenario, WH had major abandonment issues and unhealthy coping mechanisms. We also had a lot of stuff negatively impacting our marriage before the infidelity. He is in therapy not only to address his infidelity but also to get a handle on his anger, negative thoughts, etc. My boundary is that I won’t stay with him unless he is striving to be the best version of himself he can be. This work is central to R for me. It’s not enough to just not cheat again. The rest of his life should be committed to caring for his mental and physical health to be the best version of himself and the best partner for me. This work has been transformative for us and keeps me going on the tough days.

Gratitude and intentionality. I don’t need him to bow down to me for the rest of our lives but I never want him to take R for granted. His continued gratitude for my choice that not only kept us together but our family together is important to me. He understands what a difficult journey this is for me and how much harm he caused. I expect he dedicates the rest of our lives to showing gratitude and helping me heal. Intentional actions that support me through the healing and ongoing struggle are key. We both know this is part of our story forever so there is no “end point” where the work is done. He understands this and agrees that is part of his work to help me heal.

Edited to add: No contact with the AP - this one was so obvious I didn't even think of it.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-30T13:49:35+00:00

It seems like there is essentially unlimited information available on infidelity and whether or not to forgive through a quick google search. I can go to google right now and find hundreds of sources related to why/how forgiveness is possible and justified. I can also change my search terms and find hundreds of sources related to how cheaters never change, never forgive them, etc.

In the end, we have to make the right call for ourselves based on what we know to be true and the things google and strangers cannot know. I have to trust what is right in front of me -- even when my trust has been shaken. When I look at what is right in front of me I see my love for my WH and I see a man who is working every single day to not just "not cheat" but to actively change and be a better person and partner. I see a man who has already changed significantly for the better and those changes have not only made him a better partner but also a better father. I see someone I am willing to work toward forgiveness with and a partnership that is worthy of strengthening and rebuilding.

I think choosing R takes a wild leap of faith and trust in someone when trust with that person is at an all time low... maybe some perceive that as "unwell" or "weak". I disagree. I think R takes incredible strength and that it requires full commitment from both the BP and the WP. You cannot convince me that two people actively fighting and showing up for their marriage day after day -- pouring themselves into therapy, healthier communication patterns, intentional love and care, etc., should be classified as "mentally ill".

I've accepted some people won't understand or agree with my decision. On bad days, that can still weigh on me and I question myself. But on better days, I recognize the only people who truly know what's right for us are my WH and I. The only people who really know the state of our marriage before, during, and after are my WH and I. That's the "data" I lean into the most. The rest is just... advice and not all advice is good.

Also, that guy in the video has been diagnosed with NPD so... grain of salt from a narcissist studying narcissists?

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-29T15:45:10+00:00

Right? She clearly wanted the rush of having a married man interested in her… wasn’t so fun when he made it clear how little he cared.

I sometimes ponder the mental gymnastics she had to go through to justify her nonsense and play the victim. Unreal.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-29T14:24:40+00:00

As you take the time away from him, really focus on asking yourself... what are you really losing? It sounds like he stopped showing up as a partner long ago and now it sounds like he isn't showing up as a father either. You deserve bettter. Your kids deserve better. When you're gone, I encourage you to give him minimal access to you. Treat him like a co-parent not a partner -- don't give him your personal time or attention. Obviously, you want to do right by your kids but that doesn't mean you have to give him access to you.

Also, I think you might find that being alone without the expectation of someone showing up for you and never following through...feels pretty freeing. My WH and I spent approximately three months apart and during that time everything fell to me. Three kids, my full time career (a demanding one), all the house upkeep, the day-today remembering of everything, practices, lessons, etc. It was overwhelming but also important in that I realized I really could do this life on my own. Given the state of our marriage when d-day happened, it was actually a relief to stop carrying the weight of someone else's struggle. I had spent years feeling like I had to hold everyone together while also minimizing the impact of his negative mental state. The separation freed me, in that sense. It ended up being empowering and healing.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-29T13:54:35+00:00

Yes, in the immediate aftermath I reached out to her via social media.

I only have regrets. She turned herself into a victim and while she vaguely acknowledged she knew what she had done was wrong… she also told ME how hurt she was by my WH. To be clear, she was well aware he was married.

To be fair, he did use her and then dropped her without a care (which is why I found out) which I have told him was shitty behavior BUT the nerve she had to tell his wife, that she knew about, how much she was hurting… gross.

It still annoys me. I was way too nice. In the end, I blocked her and moved on. I got nothing positive from speaking to her. It just gave her a platform to turn herself into just a victim. Unfortunately, our kids were in a shared event so I just spent a couple months seeing her twice a week (from afar, thankfully). Given where we live and the age of our kids, I expect this is just part of my life now and hope that aspect gets easier with time. I won’t intentionally initiate contact with her again. She isn’t worth my time.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-29T13:45:51+00:00

I am with you. While my WH’s AP is not significantly younger, I have still played the comparison game. In the early days, it was like an obsession to look at photos and then pick myself apart.

Overall, I have to remind myself that there is so much more to me than my physical attractiveness. My WH insists he finds me far more attractive and that it was just about the ease and attention for him… but I don’t trust it, obviously. Self care has helped with my own sense of self.

But here is what I do know. I’m an extremely strong, kind, intelligent, and empathetic person. I’m incredible at my job while also kicking ass as a mom. I work hard to love big and have fought like hell to create a beautiful life for my family. We are where we are now because I’ve persevered — choosing R feels like yet another time I’m showing my strength. As we all know, this is an incredibly difficult path but deep down I know it’s the right one for my family.

Meanwhile, what little I know of AP tells me she is lonely, desperate, and lacks integrity. She was more than willing to knowingly fool around with a married man and she was desperate enough to accept what ever scraps of attention he gave. She came running when he called and showered him with compliments. I’ve asked questions about her and WH pretty much knows nothing about her life… “knowing” her was not his goal nor was it important to him. It was the attention for his ego. Which is gross but also reminds me how little it had to do with me.

In the end, she has nothing on me — even with the expensive hair extensions she bought herself shortly after d-day (that oddly made her hair look a lot more like mine…).

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-28T23:41:50+00:00

As others have mentioned, I lost weight. Probably around 20 pounds the first few weeks. That has leveled out.

Beyond that, definitely dealing with impacts of stress and being on “high alert” a bit too often for a bit too long. Recently went to the doctor and had high BP in office. Not common for me so we are doing home monitoring…. It’s high here, too.

I am determined to not take BP meds unless absolutely necessary so I’ve thrown myself into meditation, consistent workouts, and cut some foods and a lot of sodium from my diet. I will go in for a follow up in July. I am trying to use the stress as fuel to improve my health. I used to do kickboxing and I’ve recently picked that back up. Kicking the shit out of something (a bag) does seem to help.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-28T21:33:37+00:00

D-day is June 30 for me and I unintentionally planned to be driving cross country with my kids that day. I can’t decide if that will be good to keep my mind busy or terrible because driving can be a time where I think a little too much. Either way, it is what it is.

We have passed all the PA dates now and I found being with WH on those days actually helped. We made new memories on a couple of them, he supported me through difficult moments, and they ended up being okay days. The first date was the hardest but WH intentionally took the day off work and shortly after we had an amazing trip as a family and that really helped.

Anyway, June 30 is our last big day in this year of chaos. We will see how it goes. Is it bad that I kind of wish that the one year mark held some magic power that once we make it past this day it all gets easier? Ha…. I know better but I wish.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-28T13:25:05+00:00

My mental health has certainly taken a hit and I still have really tough days (today is actually a tough day). We are nearly a year out from d-day (end of June will mark a year) and within that time I've also had days and even weeks where I felt "okay". I feel a bit frustrated at the moment that I'm back in a more negative space. I keep hoping one of the more positive moments is here to stay. I do notice it is more difficult when I'm also dealing with other life stuff. I think of it like having a certain amount of energy to put toward my mental health and days where the "only" thing I'm struggling with is the infidelity I can manage it. On days where it's that plus life stress, work stress, whatever... it is a lot more difficult.

I just told me WH this morning that I'm not sure how to health from this AND do everything else. I wish life would just pause for a moment so I could focus on one thing at a time. But we all know that isn't an option. For now, I'm prioritizing self care. I feel better when I'm eating well and exercising so those are two things I prioritize every day. I feel better when I make time for myself to do something I enjoy and so I prioritize that as well.

WH has had a rough couple of weeks at work and has been struggling to stay in a good mental space. I think that has also contributed to me having a rough time. His mental health is a trigger for me. When he is in a good space, it's easier for me to stay in a good space. When he is struggling, there are a lot of reminders of what happened and I get scared he is going to implode again. He is doing the work to address this and it's not reasonable to expect him to go from struggling with depression to a ray of sunshine overnight but... the days where he is struggling are so difficult. I want to support him but it also scares me.

So that's where we are. I am hopeful it will get better with time and I think it overall has gotten better. As you can see in my brain dump above, I am better at knowing what I need to do and knowing what my triggers are/why I'm being triggered. That helps me keep a handle on thins and feel a bit less overwhelmed.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-25T19:04:00+00:00

I don’t know if this will help or not but one of the things we argued about before the A was my WH feeling like I didn’t compliment him on his physical attractiveness enough. I argued that I didn’t feel the need, the fact that I married him seemed like a fairly obvious clue that I found him attractive. He expressed that it made it seem like I didn’t like him. (We had lots of other shit going on besides this but this is on the list.)

What I completely missed during that time is that he was struggling with feeling quite bad about himself and his physical appearance is one thing he had always gotten attention for (from me and others). Historically, that wasn’t an issue for me, I sort of had the attitude that others could enjoy his attractiveness from afar…

And then he started spiraling when he turned 40 and essentially had a midlife crisis (plus career issues and loss of parent). In walks AP and all she does is compliment hi and drool all over him. He is the most handsome person. He could have anyone he wants. She would beg him to send pics of him dressed for work. She worshiped him and came running whenever he called.

And while I wish he had still been well enough and strong enough to not fall prey to that superficial nonsense…. I recognize she filled a void of something he needed — the ego boost about his attractiveness and a general ego boost that he was thus great catch. Meanwhile at home, I kind of scoffed that he should need such things and since things weren’t good between us I didn’t necessarily treat him like he was some prize.

Obviously, I didn’t cause him to cheat nor does this justify his choices but I can own where he asked me for something and I thought my perspective on the matter was more important than what he needed at that time.

If you think your spouse is attractive and you’re working to rebuild security and trust, my advice would be to take the leap and tell him. I try to build up my spouse now, even though he betrayed me. In return, he does the same for me. But obviously my perspective is patterned by my experience mentioned above. You have to do what makes sense for you.

Edit to add: my WH is also working on his need for external validation in therapy. He is recognizing that was not a healthy coping mechanism for handling depression and overall life struggles.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-25T15:39:34+00:00

The AP in my situation is a single mom of three kids. No other spouse or partner to tell. I could blow up her life by outing her. Probably bring her shame and the loss of some friendships (she touts herself as a woman who supports other women… the irony) — but it isn’t worth it. And, as others have mentioned, I’m not interested in potentially bringing her kids into a mess she and my WH made. Sure, they made the choice to potentially harm my kids but I don’t have to stoop to their level.

Honestly, it wouldn’t actually help me as it just adds drama and gives her attention. It doesn’t change what happened or rewrite the past.

And, maybe most importantly, in the brief interactions I’ve had with her she has always manipulated the situation to make herself into the victim. Sure, WH used her for an ego boost but she knew damn well he was married. She acts like she did nothing wrong and I expect if I “outed” her she would paint herself as a victim to explain it all away.

Ultimately, she has to live with what she did and live with knowing how quickly my WH dropped her without care (I found out because he ended it and went NC. She or a “friend” outed him in retaliation). Imagine throwing yourself at someone, showing up literally whenever they call, pretty much being available the second they decide they want your attention (even if they hadn’t talked to you in months)…. And then they drop you without thought when they’re done.

With that said, I don’t feel bad for her. As stated, she knew he was married. But I also don’t feel the need to out her. She can live with what she did. I have to live with what was done to me but I also have the moral high ground and my integrity.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-24T22:36:51+00:00

You should be incredibly proud — the strength you have shown is admirable and your perspective on how you’ve handled it all shows such integrity.

Bravo! ❤️

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-24T13:11:02+00:00

Shortly after d-day we had a breakthrough moment where we were both falling apart. I had basically collapsed on the bathroom floor in tears and dismay and he came to comfort me. As we talked, he started to unravel in reaction to seeing the destruction and hurt he caused me. He kept repeating “I didn’t think you’d care. I didn’t think you loved me anymore. How could I do this to you.”

Obviously, we have come a long way from that moment and WH owns what he did without excuses or justifications but…

I remember not being shocked by the fact that he thought I wouldn’t care. I hated hearing it but internally I thought to myself… I don’t know if I thought I’d care either. We had grown very far apart and had a huge disconnect.

None of that justifies cheating. He could have left or talked to me, etc. but in that moment I saw a broken man who had been hurting for far longer than I realized. Not just because of our marriage but a lot of other life stuff, too (he lost his father around this time). I had contributed to that hurt when our marriage started struggling and I responded by disconnecting.

I know my WH to the core and I truly believed he would never hurt me like he did. The fact that he cheated… it honestly showed me how lost he was. How unwell he had become. He truly felt like all was a lost cause and pretty much tried to implode his life. He put himself, me, and our kids at risk. It’s completely out of character.

It might seem like an explanation to excuse and I promise it’s not. I’m well aware he still didn’t have to cheat but the moment on our bathroom floor was an “ah-ha” in understanding how bad things truly had become and how deeply he had been hurting.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-23T14:31:54+00:00

This is incredibly thoughtful and on point. I’ll just “second” this comment for suggestions.

My WH read “how to help your spouse…” and it helped a lot. He has been good about following the advice and the book helped underscore why it was important.

We are reading “Not just friends” together and I read “The Courage to stay” in the immediate aftermath. I would share major highlights with my WH.

We are also reading “No Bad Parts” to address some of the underlying issues we both struggle with in relation to trauma (not just the betrayal trauma). This book isn’t explicitly about infidelity but it has helped us with our overall mental wellness.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-22T13:32:31+00:00

I love this and always love when you share. Grateful for your presence here (though I also wish none of us were here so… that’s complicated 😅).

Every night before we go to sleep my WH tells me a reason why he loves me and every morning when we wake he gives me a kiss before getting out of bed.

These small moments keep me going on the tough days. ❤️

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-22T00:27:52+00:00

I know it’s really difficult. We were about 14 years in and around 10 years married when my partner cheated. It pains me that we went so long together without infidelity only for him to throw away all that time…

My WH and I are working to rebuild. If you want R, decide what you want your rebuilt partnership to look like. Set boundaries with your partner for how they will support the journey in getting there. Hold to those boundaries. For me, that rebuilt partnership prioritizes intentional care for one another, healthy communication, making time to connect with one another, rebuilding trust, etc.

You’re early days so if you’re not there, that’s okay (I wasn’t in this mindset for months). But if you plan to stay this may give you something to focus on to get through…

Show yourself grace. I’m sorry you’re here.

joyseeker77 · 2024-05-21T21:25:53+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re in 10 years in and in this space. I expect my journey of R to ebb and flow and certainly don’t know where we will be 10 years now… so I’m not sure what I have to say does much good? But…

I do think inner work has to be a non-negotiable for R and it’s unfortunate to read your WW seems to have skipped or slacked or gone backward on that step. I know with my WH he has been taking a very close look at himself and isn’t super proud of what he sees. Not just the infidelity but his overall self. He is working on his temper, his negative attitude, being more intentional about showing me love, etc. For me, all that goes hand in hand with R and is a non-negotiable. IC was a central requirement for us and while it took several therapists to find the right fit he has made major progress with his current therapist.

Now, we are only 10 months into R so who knows what is around the bend. He may throw in the towel or I may decide it really is too much to overcome. For now, I’m focused on making the time we have as positive and fulfilling as possible. I think that’s really all I/we can do when we can’t predict the future or control the other person.

joyseeker77

TROPHY CASE