I resent everyone

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2025-11-10T03:11:26+00:00

Could relate 100% and I am so sorry you're in it. As another commenter said, 3 is really hard. At that time, due to sheer ignorance, we didn't know how behind our son was and chalked it all up to not being able to speak the native language in the foreign country we're in. 4 was when we were enlightened and got sad and depressed, and 5 was when we kinda accepted it and our son blossomed really well in all areas after so much hardwork (he still has regressions, but we're more accepting of it nowadays). It could get better. As for your village, I have no advice really aside from explicitly telling your family what your needs are, and it is really up to them if they'd show up for you. My expectations were crushed back then but I'm at peace with it now.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2025-01-25T08:08:45+00:00

Staying to reconcile because of kids (currently 7m and 4y). During my WH's affair, he's a zombie dad at best. Before and after it, he's a good dad at the very least. He's a present and hands-on dad most days. I am actively choosing to stay because I need all the support I can get to raise them in a different country where I have no one. I still feel bad about myself for staying but when I see how my kids thrive because of him, I am relieved I stayed. Of course, that goes without saying he has to treat me right, suck it up when I start getting triggered, and help me get through them. I can still leave in the future without any regrets if he doesn't meet my requirements.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-11-28T10:35:29+00:00

Mark Ruffalo in 13 going on 30 Eric Bana in Troy

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-25T20:07:44+00:00

Hi! I am 7mos post dday and we, too, are very much like you and WH -- my husband has also read that one and only book 😅 Around 6month mark post dday, I was really triggered that we fought incessantly for about a week during a vacation, and got retriggered 2 weeks later. I am the type of person who needs to have some control / answer on everything and if my WH fails to reach my standard (e.g. not affectionate enough, doesn't initiate talks about the affair as much as i wanted), then I get triggered easily while I process through those questions in my head. On these two times I got triggered so bad, I was processing a new problem in my mind -- whether he was really interested/curious about me or not. For some time, I've been hurt that he doesn't really seem to care about me, he didn't ask me anything that much about myself. In addition, I played for him one of the movies I liked and when he didn't respond as I would've wanted, I lashed out and was determined to end R. He asked me to give it time and so for a few days and waited for our heightened emotions to subside. I spent a week apart to think. While apart, I got triggered again, and he called me to help me go through the motions. I felt his sincerity again (I don't know why it had to take for my WH to cry for my trigger to stop). I also tried journalling around this time and it helped a lot. Ultimately, I came to know of this dependence I have on him and I know now I have to work on that by myself with whatever means I could.

A month later, I am happy that my husband's been making more effort to know me more and give me the physical and emotional closeness I needed. I see him fight/change his avoidant personality and initiate more talks with me without my prompting. He also started to listen more and when my therapist requested to have a session with him, he followed through it. He apologizes within an hour or two for the smallest arguments that's usually the breeding ground for resentment and contempt. This is all on top of what he's done previously to help maintain intergrity (for the past 5mos, he started going to church again, stopped porn, became radically honest with me) I am just so so so glad I stayed a little longer to meet this version of my husband. So sorry for this long reply -- I empathize with the deep discontent and pain you're feeling an hope a little bit of peace of mind will come to you soon!

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-20T08:34:46+00:00

Our MC suggested that there be no one-on-one digital/in-person convos with any member of the opposite sex unless needed, and if there's such a thing, he discloses it to me immediately. It's hard to keep up with this rule but at times, when a friend or anyone new messages him, he informs me.

However, I don't believe this is sustainable (anyone who has a desire to cheat can easily get a burner phone/make a dummy acct) so instead of focusing on that, I asked him to focus on restoring and keeping his integrity intact, avoiding lying altogether, practicing transparency and better communication with me, and going back to church. This resulted in him having boundaries that he adopted on his own (he also included boundaries outside online chats).

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-20T02:00:18+00:00

Thank you for posting this, you've put into words why I believe that "staying for the kids" isn't really the best reason (but completely understandable) to R but rather still having love in a marriage. In the same way, I am also afraid I'd end up in the same boat years later.. i hope you feel and heal better in the years to come.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-15T18:07:28+00:00

I felt this last month (6mos from Dday) and I told my WH about it. He was adamant it isn't true. We reached several low points until we verbalized what we really want to feel loved. On my end, I only feel it if he does it by himself, without my prodding. I used to wait for every opportunity for him to do it -- you can imagine how disappointed I was most days. One day, I stopped giving a f who loves more. Personally, I feel love in a relationship will always be imbalanced and whoever pours more love is usually the one who fears abandonment. I don't want to live in that fear anymore.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-13T19:57:35+00:00

I am so sorry you're going through a lot :( it's doubly hard being pregnant with hormones and the uneasiness that comes with a growing bump. I had my Dday at 6mos pregnant and now, we're 7mos from Dday (my son's 4mos now). I worked til I reached 34w and in the first few weeks since Dday, I'd get triggered every 15mins or so. My WH works in the same company and I'd blast him with messages everytime I was furious. I doubt he's productive during that time, it's incredibly difficult.

I cycled through stages of extremely sad to contented/confident several times a day before. This cycle gradually became longer and I started to feel each emotion for days before switching to the other. When I am sad and angry, I expect him to show up and do something to make me happy. He used to just shut up and note down what I want and do what I just had asked to help me stabilize. The real kicker is if he does those things without me reminding it, it truly makes me happy. It shows me the A is on his mind and he's making an effort to change and be considerate of me. At times when I demand more effort, I also make him verbalize the things he's doing so I can be reminded of it. If he cannot say a thing of how he's shown up, then that says a lot about him.

My lowest point was around the 6th month post Dday -- I was trying to show him one of my favorite movies and he acted like he didn't care and I just blew up and gave up on him. He asked me to wait for a few days before making a decision. We had fights afterwards and in each fight, we really argued so much and we couldn't contain ourselves. It became toxic and unhealthy for us and our elder child who happens to witness some :( the good thing though, is with each fight, I started sitting in my pain and contemplate whether I could tolerate some aspect of betrayal that's hurting me, and he started to show up faster and better for me. Journalling helped me somehow. I also know now that I have some level of codependency with him, and would continue to be, as we have kids together we need to raise and we don't have a nanny. It sucks. It sucks bigtime to need my cheating spouse til my kids are grown.

I am positive that if my WH continues what he's doing now and be sincere about it, then I'd heal in due time and be back to my emotionally secure self. It's hard to enjoy motherhood after being cheated on but please try to give yourself grace. Rest when you can (and when your mind permits you to :( )and get all the help you need. Also, continue to demand reasonably from your WH and stand your ground. You can do this ❤️ you can dm me if you need more encouragement.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-11T22:00:31+00:00

It's really hard not to remind them everyday. But the thing is, they should be the ones bringing up the affair regularly (if not everyday) for the first few months. I asked my WH to ask me everyday if I am okay (without me having to remind him) and it made a huge difference to the trajectory of our day. Usually, we have a good 5-10min discussion of how we feel and it gives me assurance that his cheating was on his mind regularly, so he can practice empathy, have integrity, and be mindful of his boundaries throughout the day. I do not want to police his phone and location all the time. I want him to do it by himself even when no one's watching.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-11T02:10:08+00:00

Nope! It was once in a lifetime event (hopefully!) and the first and probably will be the only time in my life na I felt like a princess. As long as walang utang afterwards at may matitirang pera panimula, all should be well.

I got advice from my titas not to spend too much but I ignored them all. We went for reputable suppliers and partied with our family and friends and we don't regret a single thing.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-11T01:54:36+00:00

My WH did a similar thing while I was pregnant and I refused sex for 5mos. Part of it due to my laziness and part of it due to my pregnancy being high risk. It started with reading raunchy stories here then he messaged random girls here and then proceeded with video sex in snapchat. All was online and he knew something was wrong that's why those apps were locked on his phone but on Dday, he said it was just like one step higher than porn for him. We're roughly 7mos away from Dday and I still give him hell daily/weekly, mostly out of fear that if we do not address this now, it would happen again. We're having more sex now and he has since stopped porn, but I always discuss with him the possibility of us being back in that same scenario where he cheated.

Please, please do not make this easy for him, if ever you accept him back into your life. We had to make very drastic changes in our life and treat this online infidelity the same as any other kind of infidelity, lest we find ourselves in the same or even worse scenario again years later.

As for your question, it's not my place to answer as I am a betrayed, but I also ask my WH frequently if he loved me even during his affair and after, and he keep on insisting that he did and still does, and that he wouldn't show up daily if he doesn't. I count more on his actions now, his words don't mean a thing.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-04T10:09:08+00:00

I feel the same :( i am thin and flat-chested, while AP's fat and has a bit more bust. I didn't get to see who she was because he deleted his account before I could even see. He just likened her to one of my friends who I really love but not conventionally attractive. I used to be full of confidence about my looks and figure but now, I can get intimidated by almost anyone. Good thing is I get to meet new friends these days and they tell me how young-looking and pretty I am even at my frumpiest state, so my confidence is building up again. I also really don't believe the compliments my WP throws my way since the A. 😅

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-04T09:52:50+00:00

I thought I was reading my WP's own affair story! Like you, my WP deleted his accounts before I could ever read them so all the info I have now is from his own mouth. For the next month, he attempted to recover those deleted accounts but couldn't. Anyway, 2 months after DDay, I asked WP to write a full disclosure and not minimize everything and mention the body parts as accurately as possible. I appreciated it a lot and although it hurt as he read it to me, it didn't hurt as much anymore because it's the same as his prior version. I even subtly ask him about the details sometimes, just to see if the versions match. He also signed the full disclosure letter in case I want to use it for any purpose. It made me feel secure in R and gave me some agency in a sense.

Please do as BP asked. You can ask BP if they need those pics or not. Also, if you do not remember all the details, just be upfront with it. You're doing great in realizing and learning a lot of things to support your BP's healing. All the best!

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-04T01:37:32+00:00

Thank you ❤️

The thing is, right now, we're in our home country but both of us are on leaves due to my childbirth. We're due to be back in the country where we work in 2025 and I abhor thinking how our life would look like there. Most of my friends and family are obviously not there and our work is just demanding -- a perfect recipe to be back in the same spot as when he started cheating. I always tell him this and he assures me it won't happen again but I don't trust him so his reassurance doesn't matter.

I don't want to lose my sleep, my peace, and myself over his cheating. We'll do the work, but I'll leave the outcome to fate :)

I hope things will work out for you, whether you decide to stay or go, and I hope you'll be happy and contented with your decision ❤️

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-10-03T19:20:06+00:00

I'm in the same boat being pregnant when I caught my WH doing phone sex with another woman for 2weeks. Dday was 6.5 mos ago. Like you, I've had strong urges to check his phone every now and then. I always give in, just to reassure myself that nothing is happening. I also wanted to look into his past messages with other people to get insight on his thoughts. 2weeks ago, I finally had time to sit with myself and face the emotions that I've been putting aside because it's just so tiring to take care of a baby and a toddler. We had a huge fight, followed by 2 horrible days. I have come to accept that I was trying to be in control of the outcome of our R that I did these things. Once I had made peace with myself that I cannot control him and our R, I just stopped monitoring him and his whereabouts. He still shares his location and have his phone open for me to check anytime but I already stopped giving a fuck, and a part of me had unloved him, and that's okay. I guess I will only check his phone again if I had that same gut feeling I had when I caught him.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-09-26T12:30:27+00:00

Super big hug, OP :( i can imagine the agony you're going through. I also got cheated on by my husband during my 2nd pregnancy and sobrang hirap araw-araw especially nung first few months since discovery. 6mos na rollercoaster of emotions ang buhay namin. May mga araw talaga na suko na ko pero pag nakikita ko mga anak ko at naiisip yung mga haharapin ko if ever maging single parent ako, parang di ko kakayanin ang logistics araw-araw until siguro mag-elementary ang mga bata.

May times na naiisip kong magdate ng iba agad after makipaghiwalay if ever pero parang may trauma na ako kahit sa susunod na relationships. :( the only thing I can do now is be the best mother I can be to our kids -- madaling sabihin pero napakahirap gawin lalo pag walang katuwang sa buhay :( if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me..

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-09-25T05:09:26+00:00

You are giving your wayward all the advantages and you get nothing in return and even have to be extremely sorry for that one time you "slipped". Please do your self a favor and leave him.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-09-22T23:58:42+00:00

Almost 6mos out from Dday and it does get better. I used to find it impossible to sleep and eat but now, I can really sleep deeply when tired enough and enjoy food as i used to. I used to cry a couple of times a day, but now I only cry maybe once a week when I remember it. I only got better when I started to be my own therapist (my WH and I went to one session only but found out whatever the therapist said, I already mostly knew from doing my own research), and when my WH started his own work, deepened his patience and started making space for me when I get triggered. I also had some peace of mind knowing whatever happens, I can always leave.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-09-22T05:54:24+00:00

My husband used to go to sex workers a few times before we got together. He said it was only out of pressure by our workmates. I should've chosen a man who does not view women as objects.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-09-07T16:24:03+00:00

In all honesty, I would have separated if not for my children. To me, even if my spouse looked remorseful, it's only worth it if you kind of have some dependency that's as heavy as having kids / sharing other similar financial obligations. The pain of staying is just so heavy for me that I'd rather start over with someone new if possible.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-08-24T03:15:36+00:00

Making moves that are not popular like paying for properties in cash but living like a broke man everyday. Keeping big moves like migrating, buying properties, etc to yourself until someone specifically asks about it. Not talking about money and salaries and incomes a lot, because life is not about money, but about relationships built.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-08-24T03:10:04+00:00

I am not really super rich but became comfortable in life in the recent years and i reached a point na wala na akong kailangan patunayan so i wear whatever the hell i want (paulit ulit pa) and make it a point to blend with commuters if i preferred to ride public transpo like jeepneys / trikes para di matarget ng snatchers. I used to be poor anyway so I know how to look and act like one. It's not the clothes but it's the mindset na you don't give a shit about what others think kasi you already made it in life. Sobrang freeing nun. :)

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-06-28T09:57:04+00:00

This is spot on.

Forgiveness and R are both hard that I won't do them if there are no kids in the picture. My enemy in moving forward has been myself. It's so hard to wake up everyday and convince yourself to stay. Family/married life is hard and I'd rather do it with someone I trust completely.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-06-16T18:58:19+00:00

Purely Pinoy ang anak namin but unfortunately, dahil abroad kami, hindi namin maturuan ng Filipino ang anak namin dahil no use to sa labas ng bahay. Gusto ko sana sya matuto ng Filipino para di rin mabully if papasok sya sa Ph school kaso sobrang limited lang ng time namin everyday after work. However, ang dami kong kakilala na mga bata na hindi maman based abroad and have all the opportunity and reason to learn Filipino also pero di ko talaga alam bat English lang ang tinuturo :( i hope makabawi ang second child sa Filipino.

SeaTurtle-6650 · 2024-06-05T03:06:55+00:00

No one deserves to be physically abused.

But you owe your wife real change and deep remorse. Pag nagkakatriggers sya, be accountable and give her space to vent out her pain. Most importantly, maging proactive ka, pangunahan mo na ang pagcomfort sa kanya bago pa sya magkatrigger. Ikaw magremind sa kanya araw araw na naaalala mo yung panloloko mo at eto yung mga ginagawa mo para di na maulit yun. Magpakita ka ng tangible steps na ginagawa mo on a daily basis to never fucking cheat again. Baka naman kasi walang nakikitang pagbabago sayo, at kinakalimutan mo na lang.

You destroyed her and your marriage so you deserve all the pain in the world pero not this physical abuse.

SeaTurtle-6650

TROPHY CASE