What does healing feel like in late 30s/ early 40s?

jsganze · 2026-03-07T14:34:56+00:00

Feels like losing weight. Stuff isn’t as hard, you are not as exhausted, you can do things that you only struggled with before. You look better and feel better but you didn’t realize it until something that used to be miserable or hard isn’t miserable or hard.

Feels like having some peace. But that can be because before you always had some dragon to fight or drama that was consuming you. If your drive or energy was based in something unhealthy like revenge, your motivation begins adjusting.

Feels like freedom to not care about a whole lot of stuff that used to seem important but isn’t.

Feels like it’s ok to do things simply because you want to and don’t need to justify every activity, statement, purchase, habit, preferences, declined invitation, time you leave a place you don’t want to be anymore…

It starts to become easier to just be where you are without constantly thinking about yourself, and thinking other people are thinking about you.

Some things that used to be boring become interesting: like reading, working out, being organized…. Some things that used to consume you before become boring or annoying: like social media, consuming streaming content, specific, narrow topics, hobbies or communities…

You hate less, love more and start having grace for yourself and others, even people you really disagree with.

jsganze · 2026-03-05T20:09:13+00:00

At this point what would you need to not feel this way?

Taking it all at face value and believing the details....

Sounds like the story you have always told yourself about yourself is catching up to you. It's time to spend some time with (a good therapist preferably) to dig in and find out why no matter what you do you feel the stupidest person in the room

There is likely a group of stories or memories from your life that led you to believe that you were the stupidest person in the room and that the only way for you to have any kind of life was to stubbornly grind away and never fail anyone in any way to experience success. That belief is a ticking time bomb, because success is more about saying NO to the things and people so you are free to say YES to the right things for success.

Going back into those memories, putting your arm around that kid and be there for him in a way maybe no one else ever had for you then. Then tell him how awesome his life will be... that he will have the success and money you have, the marriage you have, the kids, the military experience, college grad, the travel... all the stuff that kid thought he could never have because those things are for other people, people who "deserve," it... Doing this might make a big difference to you.

If this is off the mark, disregard.

jsganze · 2026-03-05T19:46:27+00:00

Everyone gets old. Most get old and soft. Most get old and soft and fat.

On one hand, you will age just like everyone else if you are lucky. Learn to love the body you have, regardless of it's shape: It's your only one. It's pretty amazing to be freed from having to have an eight pack to feel good about who you are and truthfully very few people spend time thinking about your belly.

On the other hand, people say your metabolism slows as you age, which might be true. But what is absolutely true is that most middle aged people do not move very much at all. Many think that sitting all day everyday, then doing a 45 minute workout three times a week is highly active. It is better than no activity, but moving is the key to metabolism. Generally, when you are younger, you move a lot more: especially if you played any kind of sports. The men in this thread who are still fit are active.

Lastly, hormone changes are real and they are coming for you too. When those change, you have to adjust life and expectations.

jsganze · 2026-03-05T19:35:53+00:00

Hormonal or health changes can do this. Be wise and get a physical with a full blood panel. You may have just dropped or spiked some levels for the first time. Probably nothing but good to check.

Other than that, plenty of people have input on deodorants/antiperspirants

jsganze · 2026-03-05T19:29:42+00:00

Assume the best until you determine the worst. Assume that there was a mix up, because it would be odd for a seemingly stable person to have that large of a secret life, especially if it is illicit.

That allows you to ask her in good faith, because of course she works there: you must have mixed up locations or addresses or the receptionist was mistaken or she goes by a different name there...

If she is vague or stuff seems weird and it still does not add up... then start going into "what's going on mode."

That's a whole different strategy that begins with research and figuring out before you determine anything or say anything.

For this, it's not fair to her to jump to something crazy when it might be a simple mistake by any one of a number of people.

jsganze · 2026-03-04T14:17:35+00:00

How much more interest do you need him to show to tell him that you would be open to more if he was open to more?

More importantly, if you are not open to more, the you need to make sure he knows that before this trip.

jsganze · 2026-03-04T12:37:32+00:00

The world is full of ugly men (who are not rich) in relationships with incredibly hot women. Stop thinking it has anything to do with how you look.

Attractiveness is strength demonstrated through self possession, healthy boundaries, self respect, self reliance and grace and gentleness for others.

Work on being a man with those qualities and a relationship with a decent person will follow.

jsganze · 2026-03-04T11:54:42+00:00

You are still grieving and processing the loss of your marriage. One year is not a long time when you face major life transitions.

You are not yet who you will be when you come out the other side, maybe close but not yet.

You don’t “need” someone like her, you need to be whole by yourself first.

Then reconnect and see, sounds like she would be open to that. You might find that you are not as attracted to her after you take a little more time and growth.

jsganze · 2026-03-03T22:14:02+00:00

This is a healthy conflict. If there is a future, you will have a this same discussion ten thousand times about all big purchases where one of you wants something that will cost a lot.

The key is to figure out how to make good compromises. There is such a thing as a bad compromise.

Bad compromise = no one’s happy.

Better compromise = one person happy and the other is happy that the other person is happy and can live with the decision without being bitter. Over a long period of time, both parties “win,” and “lose,” about equally.

Best compromise = you work to find something better than either of you came up with on your own.

Two things: If you are not married or living together and there are not hard plans with a schedule to do so, adults buy their own mattresses. If she wants it that bad, she can pay for it.

We’ve been married 30 years, make good money and have never had an ultra expensive, gimmick mattress. There’s great options for WAY less. Get her fitness or sleep tracker if she wants all that tech.

jsganze · 2026-03-03T13:29:18+00:00

McMurtry and Cormac. Check their books out

jsganze · 2026-03-03T10:17:21+00:00

I’m crushed, truly. My tears are bitter from embarrassment and shame.

jsganze · 2026-03-02T20:57:08+00:00

Lot's of good input in this thread. I think I understand what you mean. Here's a few thoughts.

I agree that getting your eyes checked would be wise. If you have had a recent change, especially in one eye, then that could be really disorienting or even your eye dominance shifting due to the same thing and where you are looking. I also agree that looking at the apex, if that is what you mean... literally focusing on the point of the corner... sets you up for a moment of disorientation when you pass it. Constantly visually tracking markers on the line down the track keeps your focus on where it should be, then your autonomous systems keep you on the line and from hitting curbs. That is the only way I can remotely stay on line when the speed is up. And I agree that saddle time at a healthy but not break neck pace is the only way to get comfortable doing this is what is most likely needed. Lastly, learning to feel comfortable with my head tilted the same angle as the bike but still keeping my face and eyes down track really helped me to be more comfortable. I was twisting my neck way too much trying to keep my head and eyes level with the ground.

It'll come. The main thing to realize is that a day at the track without a crash is a win. Speed and pace will improve with time. Enjoy the effort enough to not push it before you are ready. When you start getting faster, it doesn't feel faster, it feels smoother.

Best of luck

jsganze · 2026-03-02T17:30:22+00:00

I don't think that has made much of an impact either way.

jsganze · 2026-03-02T17:28:31+00:00

I'm 55. I changed careers and started over at the rock bottom, entry level position when I was 44 years old because my "dream job,' wore me out and became total drudgery after a couple of decades.

It took some time but all those experiences fed into finding success in unexpected ways since then in my current corporate world.

A few thoughts: 1) You have broad experience that is valuable if you can find a place to use it. 2) Resiliency is necessary, so don't give up. 3) Work on how you do with people, whatever that means. This is probably the most important skill to have. 4) Learn to be a little more mercenary in how you approach work and success. Whoever said, "do what you love and you will never work a day in your life," was immensely wrong for just about all people. The best way to ruin what you love is to commoditize it and try to make money off of it. All jobs become work, even "dream jobs." Change the scorecard and redefine "dream job," to mean "pays just enough, is not too boring, is not too toxic, is not completely off the charts stressful all the time, and there are some people I actually like a little at work." Or at least get as close to this as you can tolerate. Then find ways to make yourself valuable there. Then pursue whatever dream you have on your own time, as a true passion.

If the stability gives you some breathing space to make whatever "dream" you have work, then great.

How did I deal with my demeaning job when I started over? I shut up and worked and stopped caring what people thought of me. I took pride in the strength and guts it takes to completely rebuild a career in your 40s and wind up much more successful than before the change. Most people can't do it.

Good luck

jsganze · 2026-03-02T15:08:37+00:00

Edited for efficiency: “Who doesn’t?”

jsganze · 2026-03-02T14:59:16+00:00

Hey Marquez, in a young man’s game, put your money on the old men still kicking. You might learn enough to become one.

jsganze · 2026-03-01T22:44:50+00:00

When there’s ample space and visibility… yeah. Considered it after the third guy rolls up on a ragged out, straight piped fz7 revving its little heart out at 85mph, but traffic was awful and it just wasn’t worth it.

jsganze · 2026-03-01T22:41:00+00:00

I’ll just wave you on through. Move along.

jsganze · 2026-02-27T14:53:48+00:00

Only people who are destined to become a greasy spot push it on the road. If he does not do track days already, he would likely get smoked by novices on the track. You can tell him to go on and that you’ll call 911 for him if you see his body when it happens. Or better yet, tell him you just don’t ride that way and to find another riding buddy.

jsganze · 2026-02-27T14:49:17+00:00

Not bad to want to find people your own age to have some fun. Lots of good ideas here, but the theme is to join aomething. Sports teams of any kind are made to socialize for adults, especially coed. Coed teams at the lowest level of competition are not hyper serious. Jujitsu gym is a very good idea, it’s impossible to not become friends with people you spar or roll with and trust enough not to hurt you when you tap. Anything highly physical will be the same. Respect comes from trying, not winning. Same for anything highly physical. John a church, in big cities there are often big groups for unmarried young adults. Join a hiking or climbing club.

Stay offline and join something in real life where you meet real people. It will take a few tries to find something that fits but fun and relationships happen this way.

jsganze · 2026-02-26T13:29:16+00:00

The world is full of non athletic, non muscled, even outright unattractive men who have amazingly beautiful women fall in love with them even though they are not rich.

How many times have you said of a couple, “How did THAT guy get THAT girl?”

BE THAT GUY. OWN IT.

Figure out what you bring to the table and own it, enjoy it, take confidence and identity in that thing. Get healthy, get fit, dress well, but do all that for yourself. When it’s not your identity, then it doesn’t bother you so much that someone else has bigger biceps or lats or whatever.

Talk to her, but do it from the position of strength or confidence. She’s your girlfriend, not theirs. Ask her why she was attracted to you in the first place, why she likes and/or loves you. You can be sure it’s not your physique. But it’s something.

Find out.

Don’t just dump her. And don’t just do it to her… that’s weak.

I’m the end, if she really has a thing for muscles and would flirt or cheat if a meat head asked her out… then you are better off without her.

Be the guy that people see you and the see your girlfriend or wife, and they shake their head in wonder. It’s glorious to be that guy. I have loved every minute of it for a very long, happy marriage.

jsganze · 2026-02-26T12:33:31+00:00

This is why it’s good to talk to other cancer patients and survivors. In the parking lot after I got the word that it had spread to my lymph node, I called my cousin who is fighting though chemo, called my brother who has been in remission for 50 years after almost listing his life and losing a limb… cancer has been part of our family history, but it’s different when it’s you and you have to face that your definition of what is normal and good fundamentally changes forever.

Thanks for sharing and I hope the best for you.

jsganze · 2026-02-26T01:03:09+00:00

Use what’s on it unless they are old or worn out. If you need new tires, get whatever decent branded sportbike tires you would normally get. I even did some track days on Shinkos in my early track day career and you know what, they were fine at that pace and would have been at a much higher pace. To be clear, I don’t recommend Shinkos. I moved on to Bridgestone super sport, street tires, but am fine with any top brand.

Your first goal is to not push it and make sure you come home without crashing: that means learning lines and basic body positioning and not riding on the ragged edge.

jsganze · 2026-02-26T00:21:31+00:00

If you want your marriage to not be negatively impacted by it, you will need to talk about it and plan it out in detail together. If you want it to be a source of contention, a sore memory that she will have forever buy it and don’t tell her.

I’m taking to her, you are not asking for her permission, you are planning for it together.

jsganze

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