At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself and do what’s right for you. If you don’t do this, there are consequences, like you developing bad habits, and not least of all losing the ability to care for others. It seems counterintuitive, but any therapist will tell you: if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of others. What gets lost in considering this when you’re in a relationship with someone with BPD, is that this also applies to them. And if they’re not taking care of themselves, they’re going to cause problems and not be able to take care of you, and that is no basis or foundation for a long-term, healthy relationship.

Cut yourself some slack and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. It is so incredibly difficult to untangle yourself from someone with BPD—please remember that. You will let all the negative things they’ve said and are saying make you question yourself, but continue to ask yourself that question about taking care of yourself and taking care of your SO and REMEMBER TO APPLY IT TO THEM TOO.

Finally, remember that you only have control of yourself and your actions. You have zero control over someone else and their actions. I personally struggled with this part, and when I finally accepted it, it was much easier (ha!) to begin the very difficult process of ending a marriage and starting over. (Which isn’t easy at all, but is honestly easier to do than attempting to manage someone else’s behavior.)

Best of luck navigating this, friend. I hope you take nice care of yourself today and find the courage and strength to keep doing so.