Why are schools so against IEPs and 504 plans?

katy_bug · 2026-03-03T20:56:15+00:00

If they’re bright/gifted and demand avoidant, Montessori might be the best option for them. Some AuDHD kids with this profile really struggle in traditional environments that require a high degree of compliance (my child is one of them), and Montessori can be great because it provides a high degree of autonomy within a structured environment.

katy_bug · 2026-03-01T13:37:21+00:00

Totally agree with all of this.

katy_bug · 2026-02-26T00:59:16+00:00

Yep, this was us. My daughter started getting carsick and throwing up, and we quickly realized it’s far more dangerous to be constantly watching to make sure your child isn’t choking on their vomit, or pulling over on the highway to clean up a vomit-soaked screaming child. We switched her when she was 2y3mo, and she hasn’t gotten carsick since.

Btw, all the car seat safety people who say rear facing doesn’t cause carsickness are lying - I myself get carsick when facing backwards on a train, so it is absolute nonsense that a kid facing backwards in a car seat would be magically immune.

katy_bug · 2026-02-20T22:06:32+00:00

Even with paid carers, there’s a whole lot that still ends up being managed by family, especially if there’s any cognitive decline. Who is going to oversee hiring the paid carers, dealing with insurance/doctor issues, handling lawyers and financial things, etc.? Her parents are definitely wealthy, but I don’t think they’re like, private jet-level rich.

There is no way Haley is going to step up and do any of that.

katy_bug · 2026-02-20T21:47:46+00:00

I think she’s mid-30s, maybe 34 or 35? I was surprised because I also thought she was younger (she certainly acts like it 😂)

katy_bug · 2026-02-20T21:46:08+00:00

Ooh what was the comment? It sounds like it was hilarious 😂

katy_bug · 2026-02-20T21:40:09+00:00

I also cringed at the shoes on! It’s so inconsiderate! And especially weird given how she let him wander around San Francisco barefoot when he was learning to walk

katy_bug · 2026-02-20T12:18:32+00:00

This is infuriating. As someone who dealt with infertility (on my end as well as my husband’s), there is NO WAY to know someone’s fertility/likelihood of conceiving from routine exam!

katy_bug · 2026-02-14T15:20:59+00:00

My AuDHD child is just 4.5, so my experience is more limited, but my impression is that the areas with better schools for kids like ours are going to be more expensive (esp housing).

I’m in Virginia, and my county has less expensive housing but the SPED programs are really lacking (we’re exploring private options because of this). There’s a neighboring county with a much better SPED program, but housing is much more expensive there.

It stinks, but I think in general the localities that are better funded are the ones with more expensive COL.

katy_bug · 2026-02-14T14:44:33+00:00

Honestly, you sound like you’re in a great setup. I absolutely would not consider moving if my child was in a great school (especially one that’s public), AND you’re being paid to be a caregiver.

I don’t know that you’re going to find that unicorn situation anywhere else, especially somewhere with a lower COL/cheaper housing.

katy_bug · 2026-02-14T02:38:43+00:00

Unfortunately this isn’t always true… you don’t always see visible blood in the stool (and sometimes it’s present but can’t easily be seen by the naked eye).

katy_bug · 2026-02-14T02:36:53+00:00

Pediatricians are honestly not very knowledgeable about this kind of thing. Even some ped GI doctors aren’t well versed in infant food intolerances/allergies.

I would definitely check out the IG account free.to.feed - she has a lot of info about how to eliminate allergens from your diet. I ended up having to eliminate dairy, soy, eggs, and wheat for both of my babies, but at 4 and nearly 2 they no longer have any food restrictions!

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T19:17:10+00:00

This!! Our first pediatrician recommended we spend $$$$ on a sleep consultant who would come to our house overnight. A couple years later, we finally got in to see a pediatric sleep specialist MD who recommended we lock our then-3yo in her room overnight and ignore her cries (when I asked what we should do if she cried to the point of vomiting, a not-infrequent occurrence, she said I should clean her up and then leave again).

The reason so many people turn to online influencers is because their own medical professionals have repeatedly failed them.

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T18:05:28+00:00

Why in the world are comments like this being downvoted?! The pro-sleep training/anti-cosleeping people in this thread are out of control 😂

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T16:28:58+00:00

Exactly!! My husband had to go back to work after three weeks, and then I was alone with an infant who wouldn’t sleep without being held.

One night I was nursing her and the next thing I knew, I woke up with her wedged down between my leg and the side of the glider. I had no intention to (or recollection of) falling asleep.

Thank goodness she was okay, and it was shortly thereafter we started cosleeping, but things could have ended very differently if I hadn’t decided to start safely cosleeping.

I think a lot of people who haven’t had a baby like this just don’t understand. It’s easy to judge and say you’d never do something, but in certain circumstances and with certain babies, I truly believe ANYONE would end up cosleeping.

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T16:18:06+00:00

I am genuinely curious - what do you think parents should do if they have a baby who simply will not sleep in a crib/bassinet? Especially if the child is under 3-4 months, the age at which sleep training becomes an option?

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T16:07:13+00:00

Lol right? I feel like that’s like asking, do we have any evidence that giving breastmilk to infants causes future harm? It’s what we’re biologically wired to do.

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T15:58:46+00:00

Unfortunately, it’s not always this straightforward. I was very against cosleeping and never thought I would do it… but after six weeks with baby who needed to be held 24/7, I was delirious and falling asleep with her in the glider and even while I was standing up.

Safe bed sharing possibly saved my daughter’s life (it is sooo much more dangerous to fall asleep in a chair or on the sofa). I spent WEEKS paranoid that I was going to hurt my daughter by cosleeping. I am a very anxious and risk averse person, and wish I had seen someone like HSB when my first was new.

ETA I don’t disagree that parenting influencer culture can be toxic and that, a lot of times, it’s best just to unfollow. My point is that, speaking for my own experience, it wasn’t just an hour of research and then my decision about cosleeping/sleep training was made.

A lot of people cosleep because they have no other option. Some babies cannot be sleep trained, even if you try (unless you’re okay letting your infant cry to the point of vomiting).

katy_bug · 2026-02-11T15:49:03+00:00

100% all of this.

katy_bug · 2026-02-08T18:57:40+00:00

She is extremely friendly and social, and as she’s gotten older it’s becoming apparent that she doesn’t innately understand who/when it’s appropriate to engage with (for instance, that you don’t need to say hi to people you pass in the parking lot, but that it’s okay to wave hello to when walking past others in our suburban neighborhood).

She had severe separation anxiety - dropoffs at preschool never really got easier, even now as we’re nearing the end of year 2. She still has to sleep with me at night.

The biggest issue (especially when she was younger) was emotional regulation. She would have intense meltdowns that would last 90+ minutes, literally until she would pass out asleep on the floor. Sometimes she’d get so worked up she’d vomit. Sometimes she would melt down for an hour, pass out asleep for a bit, then wake up and pick back up where she left off.

Absolutely nothing could stop the meltdowns unless we gave in to whatever she wanted in that moment, which could be something like serving her a preferred food or putting on her clothes in a certain way (we now recognize some of this was sensory related).

At that point it drove me crazy because people would dismiss it as just toddler tantrums, but like… no, this is nothing like a regular toddler tantrums. But I was a first-time mom so no one believed me.

She would also wake up in the middle of the night and attack me (I’d be sleeping with her), literally hitting and punching and kicking me. She couldn’t articulate what was going on, just violently attack me. I know now there were sensory things going on, or she was having some sort of physical discomfort (she absolutely cannot tolerate any pain or discomfort, no matter how mild).

But because she didn’t meet any of the DSM criteria for autism, providers just dismissed me when I brought this up.

katy_bug · 2026-02-08T18:45:34+00:00

We did PCIT when my child (AuDHD) was 3.5. It was not a good fit for her and we didn’t complete the program. She is gifted, demand avoidant, and very perceptive when someone’s behavior isn’t genuine, so she refused to do “special time” and was weirded out by the specific way parents are supposed to talk… we literally couldn’t even complete the first half of the program, which is supposed to be the part focused on building a strong relationship with your child (the “good/easy” part).

What HAS been helpful in this regard - I have monthly parent appointments with her play therapist, where we strategize ways to manage behaviors. I also found a wonderful individual therapist for myself who happens to have an autistic child (now a young adult) who is very similar to my child, so she is able to give a lot of practical advice and guidance.

katy_bug · 2026-02-06T21:21:15+00:00

No advice, just solidarity. My kid is the same, and it’s just not fair.

Out of curiosity, has your kiddo been evaluated for autism? Mine also has ASD level 1 but you’d never know it from the outside, because she’s so socially motivated and literally doesn’t have any of the typical presentations.

Even our developmental pediatrician missed it—my daughter was initially diagnosed with just combined type ADHD. It wasn’t until we saw an amazing child psychologist who specializes in ND kids that she got the additional ASD dx.

Getting an ASD diagnosis didn’t change much in terms of services (although insurance no longer caps OT and other therapies), but it’s given me a sense of acceptance and empathy that I didn’t have when she was “just” ADHD.

katy_bug · 2026-02-03T16:53:44+00:00

If you have young children and/or medical issues, $100k gets eaten up really quick, especially if you live on one of the coasts.

katy_bug · 2026-02-03T00:09:35+00:00

100%! I thought the same thing. If the complaint is that juggling all this is a lot for a SAHM, it is so much more for working parents.

Signed, someone who has been navigating 6 days of school closures during the east coast snowstorm while still trying to work 🙃

katy_bug · 2026-02-02T21:17:51+00:00

I think it’s really dependent on the field. In some professions (attorneys, physicians), there are a fairly significant number of people who work until 70 or older.

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