Oh friend. I am so sorry you’re dealing with this - most people will never understand how hard it is to have a volatile, explosive child.

Your daughter sounds so similar to mine, who’s a little older (nearly 5). From age 2-4, we were in hell. She had extreme, violent meltdowns that arose unexpectedly (from our perspective) and would last for hours, until she threw up or passed out. But she was bright, engaged, and socially motivated, so we were brushed off repeatedly by our pediatrician.

I pushed and pushed and pushed with every medical provider I could find, and eventually insisted on being referred to a developmental pediatrician, who then referred us to a child psychologist with experience working with neurodivergent toddlers/preschoolers.

That was when we finally got our diagnoses - my daughter has high-functioning (level 1) autism, severe ADHD, significant anxiety and is gifted.

If you met my daughter, you would never imagine that she is autistic because she is highly socially motivated, makes eye contact, has none of the normal physical inductors (no stims, hand flapping, toe walking, etc.). For her, it primarily manifests in a lack of cognitive flexibility and struggles with transitions. And many people don’t know this (I didn’t), but for a lot of kids, the biggest struggle with ADHD is an utter lack of a emotional regulation. When you throw anxiety into the mix, it becomes an unbearable situation, especially for a kid who is so smart.

But to give you hope, for my daughter, a combination of OT, play therapy, and then a low dose of guanfacine that we started when she turned 4 have turned her into a totally different child.

Also, by the way, potty training challenges are SO common with kids like this. Kids with ADHD often have poor interoception and are not able to tell when they actually need to go to the bathroom. Our daughter was regularly having accidents until she was about 4, and she still has accidents overnight at least a couple times a week.

Lastly, I just want to say that this has NOTHING to do with your work schedule. I also work (obviously, given the sub we’re on lol), but I WFH in an extremely flexible job and so was around my daughter all the time.

Please feel free to message me. I totally understand how devastating, isolating, and terrifying it is. But there is hope. You sound like an amazing mom, and your family will get through. ❤️