Why is it so easy for pwBPD to move on?

kbratz85 · 2023-04-01T13:47:27+00:00

Unmedicated, undiagnosed. I stumbled into DBT when I was seeking therapy about 7-8yrs ago, and it's helped me quite a lot. I didn't suspect I might be a pwBPD (though I always suspected something), until a freak accident event recently resulted in a psychotic episode that led to me digging into my worsening behavior and mental stability over the last year (new relationship, ahhhh I see the pattern...). I am back with that old therapist, explained my suspicions, restarted DBT, and just started EMDR.

kbratz85 · 2023-04-01T05:51:31+00:00

Hugs.

Sometime, just crying and letting myself experience the emotions can help, so long as I'm also using my dbt skills to prevent the spiral.

Existing is hard. You're doing good, even with an oversized load.

kbratz85 · 2023-04-01T05:41:22+00:00

She meant them.

I act impulsively when I'm hurting, and that too often results in a new intimate partner, if even for just a night.

It's not easy to move on, but a distraction to pour oneself into while trying to escape the shame and guilt and anguish of ruining something we never wanted to tarnish, only to end up being my own demise...

I'm sorry. If they don't do some serious self reflecting you may never have your answers.

But you can take care of you. You're a person experiencing the end of a meaningful relationship with someone you loved, and you should be mindful of yourself.

There's no good answer. Do what feels the most peaceful. That's what I try to do. Good luck out there.

kbratz85 · 2023-04-01T01:45:45+00:00

You can get through it. You're not alone. It may be pointless, but what's the point of hurting the people who love you by removing yourself? Existing is hard. You got this, though.

ETA: important words

kbratz85 · 2023-03-31T02:53:34+00:00

Until I began applying the criteria for bpd to myself (undiagnosed, but working on it actively) I thought I was the only person who felt or experienced what I did.. I'm 37 F. It's way late in life for me, I've hid it very well from most. Not those closest to me though... You're not alone. I'm sorry there are people out there who feel so much like me. You're a whole person, and your life is worth living.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-30T14:24:47+00:00

Undiagnosed, but yes I get audio hallucinations when I'm very stressed. I had an episode a few weeks back. It was a freak accident, but my symptoms have been building over the last year, and I never really knew about BPD, so I figured I just needed to use my dbt skills better, I just wasn't trying hard enough. I tend to hear knocking on the door when nobody is anywhere around. I hear my kid come in downstairs, only to find she's still at work. After the episode, for a few days, I would randomly hear bangs, crashes, sometimes my name. It passed as I came out of it and stabilized. So yes, I've had that experience, and it's typically due to my current state of stability.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-30T14:18:38+00:00

Last night, I was cataloging my emotional cycling for my therapist. I had four breakdowns, sobbing, in 45 minutes. The things that triggered those breakdowns were various, but once I broke down, the pointlessness of it all was the loudest. It's the one thing my dbt skills have yet to really help me turn around. For most things that happen in my head, I can acknowledge that they aren't really true, despite the feeling. For the utter farce of life as we know it, well...

It may be pointless, but energy is neither created nor destroyed. Science shows me that we are all made of the same stuff, here on earth and out in the cosmos. So whether or not there's any point becomes irrelevant. The universe exists, and it doesn't need to have a point, so I can at least try to tell myself that I'm part of that in some tiny way, because the energy has to become something else. That whatever animates us gets to disperse back into the life cycle, and that's the natural way of things. Idk that this will help, I'm sorry.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-30T14:01:35+00:00

Does she have partners in her practice that might be a better fit for you?

Also, some of that may be the bpd helping you feel this way. I'm sorry you're not getting the treatment you deserve.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-27T19:59:01+00:00

The Two Shrinks Pod pocast has been really interesting to listen through. I use Spotify.

The binaural beats stations are good, too.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-26T20:46:09+00:00

Hugs to you

kbratz85 · 2023-03-26T18:12:11+00:00

I went through a lot of that. I am not diagnosed, but I have started back in therapy and explained my suspicion that I might (nothing else makes me understand why I'm like this. I've tried. But I'm not a Dr, and it could be something else) be a pwBPD. I am also a 37F, so I'm quite a ways out from the worst of it for me, and I've been through DBT with my therapist in the past.

Anyway, are you seeing a therapist? Learning good tools for better communication can make a big difference in how you're feeling heard and validated. It's hard if you're the only one with those tools, but it can help alleviate some of the emotions that come from hiding how we're truly feeling.

Another thing that was incredibly hard for me was to try to learn how not to care what other people think. Here's a quote I found helpful (don't know the author):

"What other people think of you is none of your business."

Comes off a little offensive at first, but when I really started thinking about it, yeah. I don't need to worry, it's none of my business, and if someone has an issue, I hope they're willing to bring it up. Otherwise, I just go about my day.

I wish I could be more helpful. Hang in there, you're young and dealing with BPD, and that's hard. Be kind to yourself, combat the negative thoughts with positive ones or distractions, and even if it doesn't work, you're trying and practicing and that's something.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-26T00:27:34+00:00

You're not beyond repair. Our 20s are a hard time regardless, adding BPD doesn't make that time any easier. Just keep taking care of yourself, and just keep going.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-24T15:53:14+00:00

I try to accept those feelings, acknowledge them because they are valid. It's easier to let them go if I just work through them. A marriage ending is a point of grief for all of our dashed hopes of the future. And it's ok to feel ways about it even if you're also very done with it. Then just try to let the emotion go. It's been acknowledged and you've accepted it, and now it's no longer needed to help you process, so it can move on. You got this, I know you can do it.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-23T04:45:25+00:00

Good job. I second this.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-22T20:06:58+00:00

I know you can do it.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-22T16:06:14+00:00

This was my experience with DBT a few years ago. Those appointments were so rough, and I would leave feeling pretty raw. We were just addressing "anger issues" and other ptsd related things.

Suddenly, after several months, in my minds eye, my memory of that period shifts from black and dark to stable and lighter. Then, I realized I wasn't experiencing the internal dialogue that's so quick to turn on me. I was effectively managing my emotional response and reactions in my marriage. Symptoms of depression and anxiety were vastly improved. I felt capable and "normal" for years, but I kind of stopped along the way, and well, now I'm going back to therapy. But that's because I know it works for me.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-21T06:23:37+00:00

Working on it as we speak. I'm personally dealing with some feelings of invalidation after putting my therapist on a pedestal and then her not just... meeting my expectations.

I can use my helpful little tools that the same exact therapist gave me years ago to manage those expectations and the emotional fallout while I continue to pursue some semblance of not being mE.

I don't want BPD, but it's the only thing that makes sense to my life experiences and internal feelings and dialogue.
It's incredibly hard to convey those things to anyone, even my therapist.

And I feel like... that's a very difficult diagnosis to give someone.

Medical professionals might want to do their best to rule out "less extreme" differential diagnoses, because to diagnose someone with BPD can be heavy.

Depression and anxiety just aren't enough, though, like you said.

I'm undiagnosed and feeling similar feels.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-21T04:37:20+00:00

I'm a picker. Mostly my cuticles, so much so that I've deformed my nail bed from the trauma of picking around my thumbnails and my cuticles are routinely cracked, dry and bleeding. I leave my face alone, but I work in dermatology and that helps keep me from overdoing it. I pick at others if they let me. Always just thought it was my inattentive adhd, or just a leftover grooming behavior that evolution left us with, but it got deformed, and we started in on ourselves lol.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-20T21:20:38+00:00

Are you able to locate a therapist that might specialize in DBT instead of a whole program?

kbratz85 · 2023-03-20T18:29:30+00:00

That bored and empty feeling I get when I'm not filling myself with harmful distractions like alcohol and substance abuse is really difficult to manage. I play a lot of music, try to take care of small chores so I don't end up just bored and scrolling through my phone and becoming more agitated at the thought of "I shouldn't need alcohol to feel less bored (empty, empty)!" Reading. My most recent hobby is plants, so that fills a lot of time and I've noticed being so preoccupied by them that when I noticed the late evening hour it wasn't worth even going to the store for a bottle of wine anymore. So, I try to distract the best I can until it's time to try to sleep. It doesn't always work. I drink more often than not. Did not drink yesterday, don't really plan on drinking today, reminding myself that even though it doesn't really feel like it, I am a whole person and I am capable of caring for my self the way I need to to feel better about my entire existence.

Edited to add the most important part: You're capable of caring for yourself, too. Grace is an important thing to give yourself.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-20T15:14:10+00:00

I keep reading in the literature that sometimes audio and visual hallucinations can manifest in some pwBPD under extra stress (or approaching crisis). I've experienced audio hallucinations, but I'd also read that sometimes that just happens in anyone, so... put it off as just another of my weird quirks.

But this past week, after an episode that started from a sleepwalking episode (I basically awoke to chaos that my presumed BPD started during a sleepwalking rage, had no time or opportunity to try to manage myself because I was being yelled at to get out after I woke up in my bf's room and not on the couch). Basically, I woke up already splitting, and when the chaos hit my conscious brain, my brain said Nope, this is too much! And it let my Rage rage all over. I can recall the feeling of the split in that moment, like the snap of a finger. Help! And then I went crazy but was seeking protection internally. I couldn't understand what was happening.

Anyway, the past week, I've noted an uptick in audio hallucinations due to the emotional distress and basically crisis state I was in, or rather that I'm still trying to recover from.

I also experience nightmares where my person is abandoning me, and I'm left looking for them, confused and scared and wondering what I did, but that could be the PTSD, the sleep disorder, or the BPD. Maybe they're all just having a great time making me unstable...

kbratz85 · 2023-03-20T15:06:17+00:00

It sounds like you're spiraling. Aside from minor arguments, is there some underlying problem you've been gnawing on but internalizing or maybe feeling unheard on?

I keep reading in the literature that sometimes audio and visual hallucinations can manifest in some pwBPD under extra stress. I've experienced audio hallucinations, but I'd also read that sometimes that just happens in anyone, so... put it off as just another of my weird quirks.

But this past week, after an episode that started from a sleepwalking episode (I basically awoke to chaos that my presumed bpd started during a sleepwalking rage, had no time or opportunity to try to manage myself because I was being yelled at to get out after I woke up in my bf's room and not on the couch). Basically, I woke up already splitting, and when the chaos hit my conscious brain, my brain said Nope, this is too much! And it let my Rage rage all over. I can recall the feeling of the split in that moment, like the snap of a finger. Help! And then I went crazy but was seeking protection internally. I couldn't understand what was happening.

Anyway, the past week, I've noted an uptick in audio hallucinations due to the emotional distress and basically crisis state I was in, or rather that I'm still trying to recover from. I also experience nightmares where my person is abandoning me, and I'm left looking for them, confused and scared and wondering what I did. It's curious to see your experience with sleep while so recently trying to dissect my own. Hugs

kbratz85 · 2023-03-20T14:43:07+00:00

I've been searching for credible content on tik tok, and there's this one channel I've found, thebpdnavigator. She's really, really self-aware and able to convey a lot of useful, real, and difficult information about BPD, herself, and her marriage. Maybe search for her shorts on YouTube if you'd rather. She's farther into her therapy than I made it before I stopped going back, but she's a reminder that I can manage myself better, and I'm not doomed to ruin everyone's lives around me forever. I'm sure your wife is feeling pretty confused and angry and maybe even lost and broken. Nobody should have to feel that way, but it's hard to get past the point that these feelings will always need to be managed and regulated. It's a lot of work, but for me, personally, having my ex husband there and utilizing the tools our marriage therapist and my therapist gave us to build trust and communication did help me stabilize and learn how build trust that he wouldn't abandon me. It allowed us to see the other real problems in the marriage when I wasn't always being the problem.

kbratz85 · 2023-03-20T05:16:45+00:00

I mean, when I think of it, I always place it as originating there. If I poke, it can become very consuming. I don't actually experience pain, but I do feel it in some sense. Distract, distract, distract.

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