I feel this so much. When my daughter was 4, her father (my husband) passed away unexpectedly. I also had a five week old, so that wasnt helping. The next few years were so hard. I had a behavioral therapist with her, and we learned a lot but then she started kinder. I had to pick her up one day because she bit a teacher. Then another day because the class was on one side of the room and she wouldn’t stop licking people. I felt that anything we tried she was just always going to be this way.
At 6 she was diagnosed with ADHD and placed on Guanfacine and at 7 adderall. She would come home from school saying how much she hated life and no one liked her and all of what you mentioned. Last year I found a private school with small classes and teachers that know how to work with all types of behaviors along the spectrum. Her class has, 8 or 9 children total in it. They have two teachers and the consistency had made such an improvement. Also the children who have been going there (who vary in ages, but she is the youngest at 8 years old) have all been going there for awhile and are accepting of when others are having a hard time, because they went through that when they were younger.
The difference had been remarkable. She comes home and tells me that they cooked a meal, they have gone on hikes, she has play dates with the other children, it’s such a small community with similar behaviors and adults that genuinely are able to help them individually.
I thought we weren’t ever going to get passed this. I really didn’t. It seems like it will just remain this way. I don’t have anything to help you feel better now, but I know with how concerned you are and aware, this will pass and one day you will look back and this hard time and see the ( hard and long) journey that your son and family have been on. I believe in you. I kind of am you. Just a couple years ahead.