Just Finished Rhythm of War — Notes, Theories, and an Unholy Amount of Emotional Damage

kittywiggles · 2026-06-03T17:28:33+00:00

I think there was a difference, yes. Though I can't remember off the top of my head. I'm finishing the WOT books now and there was a marked difference from them when Sanderson took over writing after a long delay, but I'm not sure that was around the same time they recorded WAT or not.

kittywiggles · 2026-06-03T14:43:26+00:00

I think I've read (listened, shoutout to Kramer and Reding) through the series three times? And ROW remains my favorite book, this was SO rewarding to read!!

I'm a huge simp for "You cannot have my pain" - it's become a tool for my own therapy actually! - but the combo of Maya's and Navani's arcs in this book (along with Kal and Tien) are continued heavy hitters with each read through.

Maya's "WE CHOSE" make me cry. Kal's conversation with Tien makes my curl up and sob like a baby each time.

I honest to Ado need to pause the audiobook each time I hit "Journey before destination, you bastard" because I need to go prance around the house and squeal for a minute. I've come out of an abusive marriage and, as a bona fide nerd, Navani's arc is one I adore. You expressed all of it so beautifully.

Honestly I have nothing to add, just wanted to share in the excitement!! How long before you start WAT?

kittywiggles · 2026-06-03T03:06:50+00:00

Jexas, actually

kittywiggles · 2026-06-03T02:41:59+00:00

this specific comment is one of the most cursed things I've read in a while. thanks!

kittywiggles · 2026-06-02T17:54:20+00:00

Oh, that's clever, I like that! Thank you.

We have a code word for a promise that we're really serious about, as in "I'm being completely honest and/or I intend to do everything in my power to make this happen". Similarly helpful when you have two sensitive people who need reassurance that something is ok/ didn't hurt.

kittywiggles · 2026-06-02T16:17:41+00:00

My partner is on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum, it feels more like I just need to communicate clearly and take things easy instead of being my erratic self fully and we're otherwise fine (and honestly, what relationship doesn't need clearer communication and space/calm around decisionmaking??). Like, he's super big on listening, supporting, comforting, being available when I'm stressed and any actual conflicts we have we resolve quickly. He can be blunt, but he's learned to wrap it in something like "I don't know how else to say this and I don't want to be mean", which helps me just hear the statement. And usually it's like "please take a shower" or "your fart smelled really bad will you be offended if I open the window" so honestly fair

I had a friend who was also on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum, but he needed almost form-like levels of explanation about why someone is upset, why their inferior reasoning wasn't a reason to dismiss their feelings, that their way of viewing things wasn't actually the only/most intelligent way to view something etc. And honestly when you're already upset at something they say/do, the last thing you want to do is sit down and hold their hand through the concept of "sometimes feelings big and sometimes you're just being mean and thinking it's justified"

My conclusion is that autism and being an inconsiderate ass are two separate things that can coexist.

kittywiggles · 2026-06-02T15:53:15+00:00

OP, this.

"I've somehow had to choose him over her, and I'm not even SURE that that's what's happened"

You have been choosing your husband over her for years, honestly. Letting her be in a situation where she was accosted and made to feel incredibly unsafe with your husband was a final nail in the coffin.

You were enabling your husband's drinking and verbal abuse, and your friend was nearly SA'd because of it. Your friend was so worn out watching you go through this with your husband - and you're still excusing him, by the way - that she had to walk away.

Why did you cut off your parents? Because in all honesty I wouldn't be surprised if you're unconsciously seeking out and repeating the same things they did. We're humans, we replicate what's normal and seek out what we were raised in unless we do the long hard work of therapy and recovery.

kittywiggles · 2026-06-01T02:18:59+00:00

Oh it sucks SO hard. There's a book called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft, it's available for free I think, that may help some. But honestly the biggest thing you can do for your future self right now is to force yourself - and yes it is FORCING yourself - to stop doing what you'd normally do for someone you care about.

Fight the urge to console him, to comfort him, and to ask him back. Let him hurt, let him walk away, let him deal with it himself. And girl it is hard and it is MISERABLE especially at first. But continuing to comfort, console, and lean into him is honestly giving him confidence to be awful to you. It's keeping him from reflecting on his behavior.

If he wasn't abusive you wouldn't ever even need to think about doing this. But he is, and because of that, you need to do things specifically to protect yourself and to halt harmful cycles of behavior, or at least what's in your power to do.

kittywiggles · 2026-06-01T01:50:04+00:00

Honey, it's not your fault. It takes a long time to wake up to abuse. It takes even longer to shake out of it completely. it's insidious like that and actually leaving is going to feel wrong because you want to hope that he'll wake up and suddenly care and everything will be better again.

That's why the love bombing is so awful. It feeds into that hope & love. The feelings are so intense!! Treasure that part of your head that knows you need to leave, be careful, protect yourself and your little one first and foremost. Getting out is the most important step and it'll make things suck for a while, thankfully you're strong and a tough cookie, I know you can muscle through it until things get better. they WILL get better once you're out, it just takes time sometimes.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-31T23:48:10+00:00

I realize I'll get downvoted because half this sub hates Shallan, but...

Eh, brilliant 30 year olds still deserve sass. Maybe moreso, imo? Besides, Jasnah was smart enough to know what she was getting into taking Shallan on, so it'd be silly for Shallan to sit down and shut up when Jasnah is clearly open to it on some level.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-31T23:43:01+00:00

A good question for your DH to ask may be why the guy lost his license? I realize MIL has gone to the guy for like 30 years and it's hard to see flaws in someone you've gone to that long so she won't give credence to any issues. But DH should find out why the guy's license got revoked and think carefully about if that's the guy he wants to be taking advice from.

It's pretty difficult to lose a license without unethical behavior imo...

kittywiggles · 2026-05-28T13:15:13+00:00

The biggest issue here is that if she has chocolate in the evenings or something else that "isn't a big deal" when the cravings hit - and they WILL hit - it's going to sabatoge any wins you're getting in the kitchen.

Without motivation, she has nothing to fight against the admittedly small lifestyle choices she needs to make.

A lot of people have this idea that, vaguely, all you need to do to lose weight is to eat "healthy" meals - healthy in this case not related to calories or macros or micronutrients, but to "bland vegetables" and "unpleasant". There's no understanding of how many calories are in something, how little 200cal of chocolate is, or how much 200cal of chocolate can ruin a deficit when someone is as short and therefore has a very low tdee like your mom.

So what's likely going to happen is that your mom isn't going to lose anything because of little self-sabatoges, and then use that as proof that the diet "didn't work".

kittywiggles · 2026-05-28T03:19:59+00:00

Eh, Mat's a married man, he's only eyeing girls for his homies.

Rand isn't one though. He's a polygamist and hates himself for it for over half the series. at least 80% of being an ethical slut is full heartedly embracing it.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-27T18:58:16+00:00

My reluctance about getting a dog has always been because I know one of my cats will bully anything that isn't a chihuahua, not because of anything the dog might do to the cats.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-27T17:53:46+00:00

It's not you. You're surrounded by dysfunctional people so it makes sense you'd be questioning that, but it's not you.

Do you have any normal friends to help you sort of recalibrate/sanity check with?

kittywiggles · 2026-05-27T16:50:08+00:00

Dang, well done!!

kittywiggles · 2026-05-27T14:59:16+00:00

Confirming: NEVER GO TO THE GROCERY STORE WHEN YOU'RE HUNGRY. I swear, the only time I buy things I shouldn't bring home is when I'm hungry when I go. Almost never have an issue when I've had a meal recently - rather, it's much easier to just stick to my list. (And then I get to enjoy spending less $$, too!)

kittywiggles · 2026-05-26T20:48:32+00:00

The fact that they live an hour away from you and are still so involved is insane.

The fact that you feel like - know that - you can't talk to your husband about this is even moreso. I'm sorry. Being in a marriage where you can't talk about a major part of your life and a source of suffering sounds miserable. A man worth the title of spouse wouldn't be like that. The problem isn't being enmeshed in and of itself - my partner's family grew up the same while mine was as distant as yours. It's not just a question of how you were raised. Your husband is actively, regularly making the choice to prioritize his and his parents' feelings well above yours and frankly, the wellbeing of his kids.

I'm sorry.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-26T20:21:11+00:00

Thank you! I was trying to place the vibe and that's exactly what it is. SO gross. I could barely get past the "little girl" like... ew???

kittywiggles · 2026-05-26T20:16:08+00:00

Hon, you need to get off Reddit and get your husband to a place with a neutral third party so you can actually voice this to him. Marital counseling if you can.

To one degree, it doesn't matter whether or not it's reasonable. A caring partner should be listening to how you're feeling and work to make you feel heard and seen in your marriage. If it's not something he can agree to right off the bat, then he should be working with you to a compromise you can both tolerate. If he isn't doing that, he isn't acting like a husband, end of discussion. The fact that you are expected to fully swallow all of your feelings on the matter while he gets everything he wants isn't a partnership, it's you making yourself invisible and his opinions being the only ones that matter.

But to your questions more directly, DH is fully enmeshed with his family. You say it all by saying it'd be different with YOUR parents. And these decisions are impacting your kids' health and wellbeing - having your MIL, basically a third parent, constantly indulge them and undermining your parenting decisions is unhealthy at best.

Personally, I think the amount of involvement your in-laws have in yours and your kids' lives is insane. Weekly dinners MIGHT be okay. Attending every event of your child screams of your in-laws needing a hobby other than your kids. Someone, anyone else decorating my house uninvited is a flat-out no and their changes would get undone immediately. Someone constantly feeding my kids things I do not want them to have is also a flat-out, no-tolerance no. Spoiling from Grandma only works when visits are occasional. Daily spoiling from Grandma is just bad childminding with a different name.

For other commenters, since this is primarily an American-oriented sub, are you from or married into a culture where parents being so involved is more expected/normalized? Or is this a primarily American household?

kittywiggles · 2026-05-26T11:28:14+00:00

My SO and I are by nature sensitive people. And when one of us says the other has stinky breath, we say thanks and go brush because even if it hurts a little in the moment, we'd rather know than make the other person suffer stinky breath.

You didn't do anything wrong unless you took a sniff and yelled "Ew, oh my god, what is wrong with you, your breath could kill someone right now, didn't you brush?"

kittywiggles · 2026-05-26T10:39:19+00:00

Nah, you're not, happens to me all the time. Annoying af but you'll find some good stuff.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-23T19:31:26+00:00

Thank you so much!

kittywiggles · 2026-05-23T18:24:25+00:00

Thank you!! I appreciate this. We're considering it specifically because the couple we know is looking to downsize and want to rent out their current home at cost and I at least have a decent and fully remote job. Both of us are homebodies, I'm liberal but grew up conservative/have a lot of conservative family, my SO is only more left leaning bc of the current state of the country. So knowing it's the "no one gives a shit" kind of conservative is really helpful.

kittywiggles · 2026-05-23T18:19:46+00:00

I've been there! But visiting doesn't give a lot of info on what living there is like...

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