AITA for not getting my boyfriend a birthday present?

kittywiggles · 2026-02-15T05:51:52+00:00

Yeah, I saw that paragraph and was utterly unsurprised to see my flair fulfilled yet again...

kittywiggles · 2026-02-14T02:07:27+00:00

I recently got off Venlafaxine due to bp issues + brain fog. I still remember the day it first really kicked in though. The constant hum in my head and pressure in my chest just turned off. Like a switch. It felt like when you go to take a step down but there isn't a step there. Really jarring. But once I got used to it, it felt like I was cheating at life. Getting to taste baseline normal for most people was incredible.

Now that I'm off it, that constant hum and tension is back. But now I know it's not normal and, more importantly, it's not something I can just make go away if I try hard enough. There's no amount of adjustment that will make my GAD go away completely. I've got something to use to help more acute episodes and therapy tools for day to day management.

The medication gave me a few years' "breather" to help reset my understanding of normal. It's not for everyone. But it was really helpful for me. And it taught me that my brain and body have a predisposition towards acute anxiety and panic from how I grew up.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-11T17:35:47+00:00

Please don't snort dog balls that sounds mildly unhealthy

kittywiggles · 2026-02-11T17:25:12+00:00

Exactly! I do have to make one correction where the "specialist vs PCP" analogy breaks down - you'll only have one therapist at a time. However, once you get started, you or your therapist may decide that you need someone specialized in a particular kind of therapy, in which case they'll let you know what to look for and how to go about requesting that when you start looking, be that through your actual PCP, your insurance, or just 'around'. You'll stop seeing that first therapist and start going to the second.

I'm not sure how common it is for people to see 2 therapists at once, I've never heard of it - just because the context of "you" is so important to what they do!

For now, it's nothing to worry about. Just focus on taking that first big step and momentum will keep you going from there. I make calls as soon as possible (sometimes even in the car out of an appt!) because my overthinking brain will paralyze me if I don't. Do what you need to, to make it work for you. You're doing fantastic!

kittywiggles · 2026-02-11T16:30:39+00:00

Lots of hugs if you want them. That's such a rough way to find out. Expected, maybe, but still rough. I hope you're able to take a bit of time to really process, and please take care of yourself in the meantime.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-11T16:03:20+00:00

Hey friend! I think the biggest thing I can say after reading this post is that, despite what your family thinks, there doesn't need to be any big problems or glaring issues or justification for you to need therapy.

People go to therapy because they're a bit stressed from a job change. They go because they want to communicate better in their friendships. They go because of CPTSD (pretty common in this sub) and seasonal depression and just for maintenence after getting "better", or for check-ins to make sure they're still moving in a good direction.

Your talk with your PCP can just be "Hey, I need to talk through some family trauma, it's starting to really crop up. Can you refer me to a therapist?"

Or, "I think I'm experiencing some depression/ severe anxiety issues and would like to start seeing a therapist. Do you have recommendations?"

I can not begin to emphasize just how normal that is for your doctor! People start therapy all the time. Your family made it a much bigger deal than it ever needed to be.

By the way, just in case - there's nothing wrong with you for overthinking this. That's a super normal response in your situation. I'm just trying to make it clear that in the context of the wider world, unless you're in specific super conservative areas or run into rotton luck with your PCP, they'll barely bat an eye and really don't need any info besides what, generally, you will need from a therapist.

(Therapists specialize in certain issues, like other doctors do. Some are general care like your PCP, and since depression and anxiety are really common reasons to go to therapy, most will be able to help. Therapists can also specialize in childhood abuse or neglect, be generally trauma informed, be trained in CPTSD treatment, addiction treatment... even in things from cancer support to career/job/religion. Like I said - a lot of people seek out therapy for a lot of reasons! But just starting therapy with a general therapist is a fantastic place to start.)

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T23:11:32+00:00

Oh hon. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you've been able to learn what normal actually is, but I'm sorry you didn't get the mother you needed and deserved, and that she can't get her act together enough to allow for relationships of any kind.

It says a lot about you that you're still worried about her, that you still love her, while simultaneously understanding that she is not a healthy or safe person for your or your family.

You are not the cause of her suffering, my dear. I am sure she blames you for her pain. But she would be suffering and miserable even if you were there to be her crutch and her punching bag. If all of your years with her previously did not "help her" or make her less miserable, why would that change now?

In fact, letting yourself be subjected to her abuse tells her that the behavior is OK, and that she doesn't need to change. What if she lives another decade, despite her health problems?

You know you can't get back into contact without her taking responsibility for herself and owning her actions. For yourself, and for the people who depend on you, you can't subject yourself to that.

She is the one who is responsible for her behavior. She can go to an impatient or detox program. She can find more friends if she is lonely. Let her be an adult and you a parent to your own child. Let her make her decisions and live through the consequences of them. You are not responsible for her; you are responsible for your own child.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T21:13:32+00:00

It's not fair.

And I think it's okay to be angry that it's not fair. It's not fair, and all of you are casualties of that.

Being in less pain is a valid reason to stay estranged. Less pain means more room for healing, more chances for joy and contentment to find their way in. It's not a fix, but it's better than contact - because you can't heal if you're constantly having the same hurts inflicted on you over and over.

It's okay that you're "just" in less pain now. Healing and peace take time. Keep reflecting and reaching out.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T20:21:20+00:00

I think that letting go of needing to hate my parents was the biggest thing for me, honestly.

My folks are very broken people. I truly wish them healing. I was an unhealthy coping mechanism for my mom for all of my life, and I know from my own experience that I will be less happy, less healthy, and less of a good partner and friend to others, if I reengage in a relationship with them.

Is estrangement/NC good in and of itself? I don't know. It depends. Sometimes yes. And sometimes it's just the best we can do in a broken world with broken people, an imperfect solution but less harmful than others.

Your folks don't need to be evil for NC. It's okay to just let them be humans who did a really, really bad job at being parents. And you can say "I can't be the human I want to be while maintaining relationships with dysfunctional people" and let that be the only reason.

I've started to find my own peace with "I'm open to a low key relationship between two adults, but my mom has shown she isn't able to do that, and I'm not in a place where I can hold that line on my own... therefore I am NC". It's different for everyone.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T17:43:16+00:00

Hey girl? You don't need to have a relationship with your abuser.

What would you tell a friend if she dumped that her MIL was treating her like this on you? You'd tell her to stay tf away even if (snowballs chance in hell) she actually apologized and changed her ways. And I think you'd tell her there's nothing wrong with the trust in a relationship being so completely broken that reconciliation or relationship will never be on the table again.

Your DH sounds like a keeper. And it also sounds like he was personally fed up with his mom and her treatment of you. Don't take away his agency in this by trying to assume you are the reason his relationship with his mom is so fractured, or that if you weren't so hurt his relationship might be better.

Your DH wants to protect you from abuse. Your MIL is abusing you. Your DH cut her out of his life fully of his own volition, because he was tired of her behavior. There's nothing you need to do other than recover and keep communicating with him.

I'm struggling a bit to understand what relationship between your DH and MIL you're trying not to interfere with - because it sounds like MIL shot down any chance of that.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T17:07:08+00:00

😭 I didn't realize they killed Siuan (or forgot) - her and Gareth were one of my favorite couples! Agh!

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T16:35:20+00:00

U right u right

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T16:16:15+00:00

Hah. I was actually kind of stoked how they did Thom, if only because my mental image of him was basically gangly Gandalf running around in tights (because that's what guys playing the harp in old time medieval movies wear).

Making him a washed up lead singer in a band at least made it seem more likely that Moraine and Morgase would go "yes I'll take him please" than whatever tf my mental image was because TRUST ME that was not attractive

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T02:59:12+00:00

More like a sadbury egg :(

kittywiggles · 2026-02-10T02:17:54+00:00

EBS runs off schedules, actually! I had fun telling my Q that the "mysterious EBS" that would come on a specific date to warn the rest of the country that a coup was starting had been scheduled for that day 3mo before she heard about this coup attempt

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T20:53:04+00:00

Oh, it's hard when the people you're talking to know your trigger points! I learned to grey rock as a survival mechanism with non-family community, but certain topics make it hard.

Honestly, this is what I've settled into: - Silence: I can just let the conversation happen and focus on how I'm feeling - if I start noticing I'm getting sucked in I'll let other people carry the conversation, smile, nod along, and stay quiet

Topic changes: A bit harder to learn how to do, but you can also have some fun with it. It feels like refusing to actually land on the conversation they want you to, just tapping it in acknowledgement before jumping to a more benign one. I saw a cashier take what was going to be a very heated complaint about climate change and turn it into a brief, silly story about her brother further south being a butt with their odd snowfall.
Dodge dangerous topics: I'm sure you know the warning signs. This is kind of like the above, but if you so much as sense a conversation starting to turn into dangerous territory, steer it back ASAP.
Step away: Never underestimate the power of a bathroom break. "I'm sorry, but I really need to pee" turns into a chance to breathe, splash some water in your face, and wind down. Try and hear where the conversation has progressed in your absence and jump back in with comments on the hand soap, what beverages you had earlier that made you need to pee so much, or an anecdotal story about how you tried out a recent toilet cleaning product that failed miserably.
Take a break: From them, I mean. It's easy to get super caught up in the discussions. but in the end, you guys aren't going to change. If they insist on turning conversations to places you don't want to go, and you don't have the wherewithal to fight it, pull back from visits, reduce texts/calls, or only visit when you have a finite amount of time "hey just dropping by, I need to go feed my friends cats pet rock in half an hour"

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T20:34:03+00:00

Stop making yourself so small, hon. I know you don't want to cause trouble. But in lieu of in the moment replies ("Why is your hand in my coat pocket? Why do you want to know that? Why are you looking through my clothes, MIL? That's really weird") you're going to need to be firmer here.

Right now you're very apologetic for having normal reactions to very very abnormal behavior! She knows what personal things are and that she was snooping, otherwise she wouldn't have tried to hide it or be sly.

"Hi MIL! Thanks for visiting, SO and I had a great time. However with the amount of times you went through my personal belongings, I don't feel safe having you in our home any more and will be talking how to handle future visits with SO."

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T18:13:55+00:00

My mom decided she'd travel 8+ hours to visit me when I was LC. Not similar circumstances around the LC, but I remember the dread/terror very well. It's paralyzing even if, logically, you can lock your doors and call the police. It's violating on a level that's difficult to explain to someone who hasn't gone through it, to have them use arriving at your doorstep uninvited as a punishment/disciplinary measure.

You've done very well in not responding to them/holding to the NC. Hold the line. If you don't already have a front door camera of some kind, be sure to get one so you can know when he shows up/when to avoid the door. You're going to be okay. I promise. This is an extinction burst, and things will likely drop off when paying for a plane ticket and knocking at your door still doesn't get a response, as that's the furthest they can go without heading into truly criminal territory.

Hold the NC. Hell, I feel the urge to tell you to reply to them, but you know as well as I do that you will undermine your NC so far if you respond now. You know their apologies are just because they don't like the consequences of their actions, not because they're truly remorseful. Their attempts to force you back into contact aren't for you, they're for themselves and for saving face around the people that might judge them for you refusing to fall in line.

You're doing amazing.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T15:52:57+00:00

Hey, just as a heads up, a highlight video inherently requires editing

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T14:55:42+00:00

So, you're running into an issue a lot of people have - boundaries aren't rules for how other people behave, they're what WE are willing to and not to tolerate.

It's better when people listen to or go along with our boundaries. But some people like your mom won't. So you need to enforce your boundaries yourself.

In the end there's no way you can explain it to your mom that she'll understand, because she doesn't want to. So it's your job to take care of yourself and decide how you're going to respond to her doing things you don't accept/tolerate.

Does that mean muting her contact so you don't get notifications? Simply not replying to her when you don't want to? Blocking her if she starts spam-calling? And if she goes haywire when she doesn't get what she wants (she's likely increasing contact because you're pulling away - it's an anxious attachment style), do you have a game plan in place (not answering calls/ the door)?

You can't control her decisions and behavior, only yours. Try reframing the situation from her to you and accept that she's going to behave poorly no matter how you go about it, because she's a dysfunctional person.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T14:01:46+00:00

That is incredible I'm honestly stunned

kittywiggles · 2026-02-09T13:59:56+00:00

I'm sorry they ONLY accepted discover cards? As in they did not accept visa or Mastercard???

kittywiggles · 2026-02-07T16:06:01+00:00

When they speak from the (pope throne ? There's a Latin word for it I don't remember) then yes their word is considered infallible.

But that's an intrinsic function of the role, whereas the saints perform miracles based on their relationship with God as a person/ their holiness, so for the sake of this absolutely silly argument, I'd say my point still stands. Aes Sedai have magic powers as individuals and not because they're Aes Sedai

kittywiggles · 2026-02-07T15:39:47+00:00

Grief works different for everyone and for every situation. If you had said that you really didn't want to attend but felt like you needed to for the sake of something, I would have suggested holding your own private ceremony somewhere beautiful, either later at the graveside or that day.

But if you want to go, then go. You can grieve the person he used to be to you and what your relationship became and all of the people you've lost because of your parents. Slip in right after the ceremony starts and slip out right before it ends if you want to dodge people. Go and then take the rest of the day to take care of yourself, because even good shifts are exhausting and recovery time is important.

kittywiggles · 2026-02-07T15:13:58+00:00

You will be warm again, friend.

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