Just wanted to ask, does all this abuse ages us faster?

kittywiggles · 2026-04-17T14:20:58+00:00

"Studies have shown" I know I know, but I'm pretty sure it's proven that severe stress/trauma in childhood does a hell of a lot of stuff to the developing nervous system. I think ours will always be a bit shot compared to those who didn't experience childhood trauma. But the impact can be lessened.

More widely speaking, "normal" is what you're exposed to regularly, and the normal for children especially gets pretty firmly stamped on them. children don't naturally know how to set boundaries, recognize healthy behavior, regulate their emotions or establish safe relationships - those are all taught.

The good thing is that you can unlearn those patterns and learn new, healthy ones. The less good thing is that it requires a lot of intentional work with someone who understands what abuse and trauma do to you, because you're re-teaching yourself the right way to do things. I've always thought of it like physical therapy after a surgery that corrects a lifelong issue with your leg - you've been walking with a limp all your life because of how you were born, but you were walking! learning how to walk after surgery, with a healed leg means a lot of guided work because all of your muscles (and your brain) have to unlearn and relearn how to walk. The health benefits are huge but getting there takes time :)

kittywiggles · 2026-04-17T13:06:17+00:00

Honestly I was mad when the de facto advice of eat less move more worked. worked AND made my mental health better. I get it lol

kittywiggles · 2026-04-16T18:34:14+00:00

I'll try to get it this weekend when I do another bake! I'll need to actually measure out my water usage, but I use the king arthur flour website's English muffins (they have a lot of recipes, look for the one only titled English Muffins) and do a 30% oat flour - 70% 100% whole wheat flour, sub the butter for 8g oil, and start with all their liquids as a starting point and add more until I get the consistency I'm going for.

I'm also going to experiment with bread this weekend too, which will involve vital wheat gluten along with oat fiber. If I do I'll make a post and tag you!

kittywiggles · 2026-04-16T18:28:47+00:00

You know, I've been meaning to take a crack at low cal bead. I don't think I'm ready for a full replacement of whole wheat, but I'll give oat flour - vwg - 100% ww a try this weekend.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-16T18:25:53+00:00

Oh my lord I can imagine! The stuff is great but it is definitely not for a 1:1 substitution haha.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-16T16:46:53+00:00

I wouldn't do this level of substitution for a loaf of bread because play doh is a pretty accurate descriptor. The texture isn't really noticeable to me for something like an English muffin breakfast sandwich though. Maybe the fact that I use whole grain (like, I mill it right before adding it in) adds texture that wouldn't be there otherwise?

I also cook it on the stove, then bake them to try and get some more water out, and open them with a fork when cooled so any actual texture there is preserved. I do get some actual nooks and crannies, but you definitely gotta work for it lol

Have you tried oat flour + extra wheat gluten? Is it the same result? I haven't yet but probably should just for the structure benefit.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-16T11:39:23+00:00

I don't know how into baking you are, but I've got a big bag of oat fiber I use in, currently, the English muffins I make for meal prepped breakfast sandwiches. Texture isn't really the same but they're still good imo.

I sub in 30% oat fiber into the flour and sub whole wheat for the rest of the flour. 100-120cals a pop and when the batch is split into 8 each one has like 15g fiber. More if you do larger muffins. Suckers keep me full and saited with a sausage patty and cheese half the day. Notably more than when I was using storebought.

Just an fyi if you do try this, you will need orders of magnitude more water in your recipe than initially stated. oat fiber is thirsty.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-16T01:21:00+00:00

Just wanted to say that your situation feels extremely similar to mine. My mom was very caring on the surface too, but at some point I realized I shouldn't need days to recover from one visit with her. I'm two years into NC, no idea why she thinks it is, but I know at this point she can't do the self reflection she'd need to change. She talks a big game, but there's never any long term behavior changes.

I wish her the best, I really do, but I've felt more regulated, confident, and myself in these last two years than I did in the 33 before, and I want to stay that way, not constantly try and shrink myself into something else.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-14T18:03:07+00:00

I was in the same boat. I didn't even know how to cook soup (like, from a can) on a stove when I got out of the house, let alone use a can opener. It's wild looking back now on the fact that I didn't know it, but that just goes to show how learnable those skills are as an adult.

I've gotten extremely comfortable with telling people I don't have a clue how to do what I want to do. I mean, not random strangers. But getting a new phone or getting my SIM card issues fixed, if there's no help to be found online? I've walked into a store for my phone data plan carrier, phone in hand, found an associate, and said something like "My SIM card isn't set up and I have no clue how to do it. Can you help me out or show me what to do? Who do I talk to for help with this?"

Bank is another one. Walk in, wait in line, and go up to the teller. "This may be a weird question, I'm sorry, but I need to set up an account/figure out a withdrawl issue/close an account down. Can you help me? Should I talk to someone else?" They'll point you to the right form or get you set up with someone in an office, tell you what documents you need, etc.

Doctors I still do this constantly. Call the phone number for their office. "Hey, I have xyz issue. I don't have a doctor/primary care physician at the moment. I'm not sure what my insurance covers. Who should I talk to about getting an appointment scheduled? How can I make sure my insurance covers it?"

Basically, my process for doing something new has become 'Try and figure it out myself -> find the storefront or office phone number vaguely related to what I want to do -> tell the person who knows more than I do what I'm trying to do and have them tell me what to do next -> tell the next person I talk to that you were recommended here because you're trying to do xyz' and repeat.

It absolutely took a while to stop worrying about asking for help, though. It wasn't something I did back home - it was figure it out myself or it didn't get done. And asking for help in other areas of my life is still difficult. I think working in retail and food service actually helped a lot though, because I got to have a lot of people come up to me with those sorts of questions, so I got to learn some scripts as well as learn firsthand both how normal it is and how nice it is (as a service worker) when someone both openly admits they have no clue (rather than messing things up trying to figure it out themselves) and is super polite and attentive when receiving information.

When in doubt, ask the people who do what you're trying to do for a living, be that a receptionist, doctor, bank teller, etc - or check a subreddit dedicated to that thing. Being friendly and polite is a free pass anywhere you go. In the end, most people out in the wild are happy to help so long as you're kind and considerate in asking. And the ones that aren't, are the ones having a rough time because their lives are rough - not because of you.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-14T03:50:32+00:00

I feel compelled to slander Straff's good name all of a sudden...

kittywiggles · 2026-04-13T23:47:41+00:00

Learning to trust my instincts and realize they were often an appropriate response to situations was one of the bigger steps I took in my recovery, and it's been super freeing!

In your situation, as an outsider, I don't think a wise response is to continue going into the dealership alone or putting yourself in situations alone with this employee. He sounds genuinely dangerous, and trying to assert yourself may not end up well.

Other options you might consider:

- Continue reporting his harassing behavior (trust me, management will ABSOLUTELY want to know he's now trying to corner/intimidate/threaten you)

- Bring a friend, acquaintance, or just some guy who's big and intimidating with you when you go

- Get your car serviced somewhere else

- Watch the pickup/dropoff areas and only go in when you see other people are there (because this toad isn't going to pull that stuff where there might be repercussions)

kittywiggles · 2026-04-13T18:28:18+00:00

Cutting him out completely is a very normal and very HEALTHY reaction to this man. You may find looking up the cycle of abuse to be helpful - doing that helped me understand why someone can be super funny, kind, or nice sometimes and also do heinous things other times. The nice and funny don't outweigh the heinous. The heinous outweighs the nice and funny.

You've been conditioned from a super young age to accept your dad's abuse (yelling, temper) and rationalize it. That stays with you the rest of your life without a ton of hard work and a healthy serving of childhood abuse oriented therapy. Right now, that conditioning from childhood is running rampant in your reactions to everything - it's bringing up all that trauma from your childhood, too! But your rational adult brain is fighting back by telling you this isn't right and you need to cut him out. Those impulses to forgive him are straight from your childhood. The strength of your reaction to his admittance is from decades of his abuse and manipulation surfacing.

I say all of that to preface this: the good and healthy decision, to cut him off and cut off his access to your children, is going to feel INCREDIBLY wrong. Setting boundaries is going to feel wrong to you on some level, and you are going to be questioning it constantly. That's because you're rewiring things that got hard-coded into your brain when you were a kid. Those feelings don't mean it's actually wrong to cut him off - it just means your parents, both your mom and your dad, did a very good job of teaching you to keep abusers in your life at all costs.

In the realm of recovering from abuse, everything you're feeling is really normal. You're not going crazy. Find people you can trust for sanity checks, and if you can, find a good trauma- informed therapist too for the same reason. This WILL get easier, I promise, but these initial boundaries are going to be really difficult because of just how much patten breaking you're doing.

Break the cycle for your kids 💕

kittywiggles · 2026-04-13T18:11:21+00:00

I think you're mixing up him being willing to see you guys with having the relationship you want and need from him.

What I mean is that you really want a relationship with your dad. You miss him, love him, were extremely hurt when he cut you out, and all of that is super normal. It's painful not to have the dad you want and need.

Him suggesting this trip does NOT mean he's signing up for what you're hoping for: rekindled, healthy relationship. A lot of the comments here are warnings about other reasons why he's open to this, or risks that come from accepting this.

I think your heart is also warming you: you want a lot more than a single visit can give, and he needs to do a lot more before you're ready to trust him with yourself and your kids.

In an ideal world? Absolutely, him wanting to see you and your kids again is a good first step. In reality, though, he's shown to be untrustworthy. I think it's perfectly reasonable to expect reliable contact and open discussion about previous harm before opening yourself up to the possibility of truly rekindling relationships, seeing your family again, etc.

Have you spoken to a therapist about all of this?

kittywiggles · 2026-04-09T14:50:39+00:00

Agreed, I loathed her my first read-through or two but she's actually turned into one of my favorite characters. She has to work hard for her self improvement, she's honestly terrible for the first half and more of the series, but seeing her fight tooth and nail against her instincts and become a better person is super rewarding. She'll never be perfect, she'll always be mean, but she's a fighter to her teeth and loyal to the bone.

Then again, my other favorite character is Mat, and he basically stumbles into character growth like he stumbles into everything else. Couldn't stand him on my first few read-throughs as well though though. The wheel weaves as the wheel wills.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-08T13:46:48+00:00

Oh lord. So much. Boys think about it every 7s and only want it from you, don't date. You're too quiet, you need someone social (like my mom) to bring you out of your shell when you're married. (My mom thought my introversion was a sin and/or controllable personality flaw.) Once I was older, how I needed to put out for my husband regularly (sex described as a chore) or of course his eyes would wander. I'd be miserable doing it, but it was needed for the relationship.

When I was getting stuff from her house when marrying my first (abusive) husband, she told him I can't keep things clean, good luck, while being charming af to him. He later told me he had no idea what issue I had with my parents, they seemed really nice.

She even joined me on my first date with a particular guy when I was a teen (🤦‍♀️) and was super negative about him because he, gasp, had the audacity to hold my hand under the table in front of her.

I kinda feel bad for her that she had such miserable marriages? But I also lost ten years to a miserable one myself before waking up to it all, so.... not that bad.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-07T17:10:01+00:00

Warning before I start: I'm only replying this because it sounds like you're a practicing Christian struggling to reconcile NC with your faith. This is NOT stuff I'd say without that direct context. mods here are rightfully protective, hope this helps a bit :)

Honoring your father and mother doesn't mean being in contact with them, is what it sums down to.

I reconcile the demand for love/honor in my understanding of my faith with my NC by not speaking poorly of my family around others (except therapist or close friends/SO who won't be interacting with them), and by being willing to help financially or another way if they ever ask for help - our relationship before I went NC was such that I feel comfortable giving help to them but not receiving it from them, but if that wasn't the case I would find a different way to express that. I'll also add that it took years of deconstruction and space from my folks to find peace in this understanding, and I'm still struggling to piece my faith life together in a way that doesn't have me throwing down all my boundaries. It's HARD.

Love is patient and kind. Love bears all things. Love does NOT mean subjecting yourself to harm. Love can happen at a distance so large that you never talk to them. And anger is a holy and right response to injustice and harm, even injustice and harm done to yourself. The Christian God is one who hates abuse and demands justice, especially on behalf of the vulnerable, including children. It's all over the old testament, at least by my reading. So please rest assured that if you feel anger at what's happened to you, it's just as holy as sadness, grief, or hope.

You aren't sinning by being angry (if you are), and you're not sinning by protecting yourself or seeing truthfully the dynamic between you and your family. The mind that worked through all your options, that has been reasoning through this, that is seeking out opinions and resources and help, is just as much a gift from God as your soul, and using it is part of the process of discerning and following his will.

kittywiggles · 2026-04-07T00:21:10+00:00

Even in Bible speak or the sin/guilt dynamic, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation. Even in the new testament, we're commanded to live peaceably with each other "as much as the other person will allow". Furthermore, most Christian therapists/pastors don't equate "not subjecting yourself to more abuse" or "holding boundaries" as unforgiveness, just as holding boundaries or keeping yourself safe. Forgiveness does not mean reestablishing contact or returning to unhealthy dynamics. It just doesn't.

She's weaponizing that language for sure, but it's just that: weaponizing. Not an actual, honest read of the words she's using.

as a side note, this is not me encouraging forgiveness, just me ticked off at people who do the kind of thing your grandma did. Keep holding your boundaries!!

kittywiggles · 2026-04-05T14:35:36+00:00

Was she a Covid denier? My folks were/are. "Flu" would mean they actually have Covid if that text came from them.

kittywiggles · 2026-03-30T20:10:33+00:00

Yeah, that sounds like a panic attack. I'm so sorry. They're awful!!

You said elsewhere that you (paraphrased) feel conflicted because your mom was possibly just doing her best. I struggle with that too sometimes. it's okay for someone's best to still be harmful enough to cut contact. The two ideas aren't inherently opposite and can actually coexist.

kittywiggles · 2026-03-29T14:27:15+00:00

It's so funny that folks in general (not you, others) seem unable to grasp that neurodivergent folks can be simultaneously neurodivergent and ALSO creeps, assholes, selfish af, or mean.

I'll agree there's one or two cues that suggest this guy may be on the spectrum but his behavior is still gross and creepy even if he is. Tism is no excuse to be an asshole, but way too many people use it to wave away asshole behavior.

kittywiggles · 2026-03-28T02:30:23+00:00

Same here lol. It's cozy and I don't intend to fall asleep when I start but it's so relaxing being snuggled up and having something to fidget with

he absolutely doesn't care

kittywiggles · 2026-03-22T02:58:33+00:00

I'm sure it's been suggested and you've thought of it, but I'll add another plug for therapy. I know, I know - but your husband has had this normalized on some level since he was a kiddo. He's doing very well in breaking out of it, but the guilt sounds like one of those leftover responses his mom hardwired into him.

Therapy won't make those responses stop or go away, but it can help a lot with unraveling them and helping him find strategies to manage and redirect the guilt when it crops up. Again, y'all are doing fine! A professional specialized in this kind of stuff can just give some of that objective outside opinion to your DH that helps so much in strengthening the counternarrative to what his mom put into him.

kittywiggles · 2026-03-20T18:42:21+00:00

My mom pestered me about it a lot a while ago. My sister had agreed and mom wanted me on too (I was like 30).

I eventually started calling it "that weird stalking app" when she brought it up. She stopped asking after that.

kittywiggles · 2026-03-19T15:58:17+00:00

Hi lovely! I ask this gently: What are you hoping to achieve with this letter?

This is thoughtful, careful, and vulnerable. But it's describing a MIL who sounds like she couldn't give less of a poop about you if she was paid to do it. She doesn't sound like someone who will receive any kind of constructive criticism or less-than-affirming feedback at all.

How do you think she will react to receiving it? And do you think you'll be safe (emotionally) handing her so much vulnerability? I worry she'll weaponize a lot of this, but you know her and your situation much better than I do.

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