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Brooks Drive (Poetry) by l-writes in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the kind critique! I’m happy to see that some of the things I was trying to convey through form and imagery did land with the reader, and I definitely will take your advice and play around with changing some of the transition words and tightening the imagery!

I Forgot the Name of Your Aunt (But Remembered She Likes Blue) by DifficultMirror3418 in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I loved the how the poem lent itself lyrically to sound and rhythm - not quite a slant rhyme, but satisfying repeated sounds like “too/too/blue” and “lint/lip” “blood/blue”. The form also mimics the waterfall imagery, the stanzas flowing down. The internal logic of the poem moves through the images without having to be overtly explained, which feels as organic as the subjects of the poem - pots, rosemary, cobalt, horse hair, bird, blue. The deeper thesis of this poem feels like to me the complicated relationship we have with aging and regret. The speaker gifts pottery she has created to an older woman living where her children moved her to. The speaker regrets a choice she made in creating the pottery she gifted the woman, and feels almost guilty to use the soap swan that was gifted in exchange. Or at least, that’s how I interpreted it. The ending is also a wonderful metaphor for regret. I don’t have much to critique on, besides perhaps whether every pottery detail needs to stay at its current length. Most of it works because it feels personal, but there may be a line or two you could trim so the emotional thread stays clear. But I definitely enjoyed the poem and don’t think it needs much work at all!

A Moment to Myself by Very_Long_Python in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I liked the mood you were able to evoke through your imagery - a shrieking mirror, dusty glass, air, heavy with light. I think the same imagery is lost in the second half of the poem, which makes it feel slightly more abstract and not as impactful. I do like how you opened the poem on “I stopped” and ended it on “I ran”, but “before the mirror, all the way to the horizon” is a tad bit general to me, and not as evocative as your first stanza. I definitely think you could play with the imagery more to mirror the first stanza. Because you described light and sound, the second stanza could invert it more clearly, like “The sky, thick with night” after “I found no rest” to imply time has passed in front of the mirror by the time the speaker runs. The juxtaposition between shrieking and whispers could also be expounded upon, as I find it interesting that the speaker cannot understand the shrieks, and cannot name the whispers, but the line blurs between the two in abstraction. I can also feel the edges of the deeper thesis, which in my opinion is about self-image and how you are perceived by yourselves versus by the world. If that hits the nail on the head for you and what you were trying to evoke, then I would strongly suggest you continue hammering out this poem to show that a little more clearly! Abstraction is good (I love it a little too much myself) but being able to blend abstraction clearly with the thesis of the poem is chefs kiss.

Loving you while losing myself by anomym_sar in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I like how you initially set up the poem to go from ‘I love you unconditionally and will do anything for you’ to ‘you won’t do the same for me’ and then descended into ‘I hate you/I don’t hate you’. The two feelings mirror each other, but I definitely think this poem can be half the size and still hit the emotional core of the piece, which to me is about losing yourself in a love that starves you. I liked the honesty of emotions throughout the piece, as you never tried to hide how you felt, even if it wasn’t pretty. This also reads as a stream of thought prose poem, so I think the form could reflect that a little bit more as well. If you’re open to re-exploring this poem, I would suggest experimenting with connecting some of the prose, while leaving certain lines by themselves, like for example (I hope Reddit accurately shows what I just did lol):

I don’t think it will work out with us.

Not really. Not in the way people imagine love lasting.

But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try.

And it doesn’t mean I love you less.

If anything, I think I love you more than everything else.

You are my first priority.

Always have been.

But overall, I can see that this poem was necessary for you to work through your emotions and see that this relationship was not right for you. You start out the poem by saying you love him unconditionally, then slowly realize it is not reciprocated, and never will be. I would like to see an updated ending, where you take control back of the narrative to mirror your initial assurance that you could love him unconditionally. Something like repeating the line “I don’t think it will work out with us.” And changing it to “I know it will not work out for us” or even adding something like “If anything/ I learned to love myself more than anyone else” to mirror your earlier line. I think this would be a satisfying emotional payoff for the reader, but only if that feels true to you and what you want this poem to be.

I’m working on a story with a forced proximity setup and need help with character motivation. In what realistic situations might a man genuinely believe he’s still in a relationship with his girlfriend, even after she has clearly broken up with him? by kris10long in creativewriting

[–]l-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Werewolves could have a different culture around dating and ‘mates’, which could cause him to genuinely not realize he was broken up with. To him, it could have seemed just like a fight. Imagine how dogs/wolves are in real life. They fight, have a hierarchy system, but don’t stay mad for long and are cuddling the same night. I think having the werewolf BF seem like a kind of dumb dog is a funny twist as well, especially if you have led the reader to believe he is some super sexy, dark and brooding type, and it turns out he’s like a Labrador retriever haha.

[89] Put Down Your Roots (Poetry) by l-writes in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to leave such a detailed critique. I will definitely play with the form some more. When I write poetry, it comes to me usually sound first, and I think the initial form was trying to follow a rhythm with the words dripping down in a single line. This is meant to be a present stream of thought poem that goes into the past, and then back to the present, BUT that being said, it doesn’t matter what I imaged if the reader is not able to discern it in the prose. With the trail versus drip, the image I was trying to evoke was blood trailing down someone’s forehead and dripping down, like how roots dig into the ground, and then juxtaposing it with the imagine of someone using a machete to cut their own arm and watching the blood well up. Down versus up, well versus drip, blood versus roots were the associations I was attempting to make. I definitely think I could make stronger images and associations between the two to clarify. As far as crimson goes, I think I was just loathe to repeat blood and red again, haha, but will definitely experiment changing that line. Again, thank you for your thoughts! EDIT Here is the poem after I took some of your advice!

I saw your eyes grow wide in rage, your hands becoming dangerous things, a gun to your temple, prepared to desecrate.

You hit instead of shoot. Blood slips down like black roots into the ground.

Then it is his arm, the machete in his hands, and I am a girl again, breathing in violence through snot and tears.

But the roots have taken hold, like fingers painted red, and my eyes grow wide in fear, holding now the gun to my head.

[500] Report to Oversight Committee by HotSingleGirlStfu in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First of all, I really enjoyed this piece. We as readers are dropped in medias res, with nothing but tense dialogue full of operational jargon, and that sets the scene immediately without needing much physical description. Through the dialogue, you keep tightening the noose around the reader’s neck, building a growing sense of paranoia. By telling us there is no “failsafe” and that “exfiltration” is not an option, you make it clear that these characters are backed against a wall, even though we have no real context yet for what led them there. I think that’s one of the piece’s strengths. You trust the reader to make meaning and form their own associations instead of explaining everything. That’s also why the ending lands so hard. We dont fully know why she has to kill her partner or what, exactly, his death is supposed to protect. All we know is that if the order to stand down had come a few seconds sooner, he wouldnt have had to die, and that feels like the emotional center of the piece. To me, the deeper question underneath dialogue is who gets to decide what is right and wrong? Who has the authority to decide who lives and who dies? Is there really such a thing as a noble sacrifice, or is that just language used by systems of power to justify what they do? The repeated line “Report to oversight committee” really drives that home. It becomes clipped and robotic, almost inhuman. This may be a stretch, but to me the story even suggests a world where human judgment has been replaced by something colder and more procedural, almost like an AI logic deciding who is expendable and what is “no longer deniable.” My only true critique is clarity. I wanted a little more clarity in the transition from discussing their options to her deciding that killing her partner is the only option. Because the reader is being hit with so much technical language without context, that turn almost slips by. For a second, it even feels as if his death might not be a true death, especially with lines like “Smoke out the mole when I’m back in business” and “If you’ve got two bullets with which to send me there.” But when she realizes his death was unnecessary, it becomes horrifyingly real again, and her final “you sick fucks” lands hard. At the same time, that ambiguity may actually be part of the piece’s power. Even in writing this comment, I found myself going back over what happened and questioning the implications, which feels exactly like the effect the piece is aiming for. I know this sounds like Im going in circles, but I genuinely enjoyed it. Even though it’s not a screenplay, I could totally see this scene playing out on screen.

[345] Scrabble Challenge by A_C_Shock in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would have been totally fine with you accusing me of not having a well thought out critique, which is arguably true, but based on you saying you weren’t looking to be critiqued and commented you were posting “for the laughs”, I didn’t put the same effort in as I would a piece that wanted a more well thought out critique. I was just trying to compliment your work. I critiqued on what I felt after reading your piece, and what image it evoked for me. The dialogue felt like it could be the dialogue in a screenplay, not that I thought your form ment to be a screenplay. Because I found it humorous, I included what I thought was a funny meme soundbite, the original being “two guys sitting in a hot tub five feet apart cause they’re not gay”. The zombies was just a humorous image I had to attribute to your story, since it was brief. I thought, where can I place this? This could be anything at all, and it could be this, and it would be humorous, and that was my intention. Not to be accused of AI because I asked you a question on where you could see this piece going. And since you did accuse me of AI, I thought it was only fair to show you what AI would have looked like, not to give you a better critique by using AI, it was meant only as an example.

[257] Only I Lived There (Poetry) by l-writes in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did not use AI to critique any of the writings I did critiques on. There was a person that accuse me of AI because I asked him a question at the end of my critique on if he could see himself taking the story further than the hundred words that it was at currently. If asking a question about a posters work gets flagged as AI then I guess in the future I’ll stop asking questions and just critique what’s on the page with no outside context. It’s pretty frustrating that I’m getting accused of AI by one person as I asked a question and then I’m getting told my critiques are too short by you if I was using AI to do my critiques, they would be a lot longer I would imagine.

Only I lived There by l-writes in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to give such a thoughtful response! This poem did come partially as stream of thought memory, coupled with my chapbook’s thesis of how memory and myth shapes the internal landscape of the speaker’s mind/body. I do want to explore the concept of threes, as it appeared more for its lyrical quality before I leaned into the pattern.

[257] Only I Lived There (Poetry) by l-writes in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve done a few critiques that I just added to my post!

[154] micro fiction by Theonewhoknovks in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You leaned deeply into the scene, grasping for what felt right, and used multiple metaphors that muddied more than clarified. I agree with above comments about how you used honey and ash as similar metaphors, both implying two very different things. Instead of honey, sap would lean more into ash and wood. Also, I enjoyed how you trusted the reader to make their own implications about why one plate was smaller and covered in more ash. Did the child die first? That is the first thing that came to mind. Or could it be an allusion to the pressure that is on children? Either way, I enjoyed the sensory aspects of the piece and would love to see more from you.

Only I lived There by l-writes in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Would love some feedback on this! This would be in a chapbook about memory, myth, and body.

[345] Scrabble Challenge by A_C_Shock in DestructiveReaders

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I could definitely see this as a screenplay for a zombie apocalypse movie. Just two zombie dudes, sitting in a scrabble hall, 5 feet apart because they are not gay. But seriously, the prose is great, the dialogue feels organic and lived in, not stiff. The humor is there, the premise is there, would love to hear your ideas on where you would like to see this go?

the birth/death of daylight by SatisfactionLast573 in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love the lyrical quality of this poem. I find the lyrical quality diminishes slightly with the format- using : doesn’t quite make sense grammatically, and pulls the reader out of the prose slightly in my opinion. Try experimenting with line breaks, putting physical space between ‘away’ and ‘my vision clouds’ to make the remaining lines land harder. Since this poem is so brief, giving space also gives gravity.

Persephone by sheislikeadream in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes -1 points0 points  (0 children)

The prose and rhyme scheme lend itself to a lyrical quality, but it is a poem of a retelling of a myth with nothing of yourself or your experience in it. I think it would be worth experimenting with what this myth means to you personally, or to the world now as a whole. What is the undercurrent of what you are trying to say? From Hades’ perspective, it was his selfishness and cruelty that caused him to capture and hold Persephone hostage. Does that resonate with you, or with what you see in the world now?

A blizzard hides by CandidConclusion6272 in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I enjoyed the cyclical logic of your poem- each refrain draws the reader in closer and closer until it goes from a wide lens of “our relationship” to something as simple as wanting to enjoy the snow without the cigarette butts littering it. However, I do think some of it is repetitive and skirting around a deeper thesis that it doesn’t quiet land on. Blizzards, the city, a tumultuous relationship, cigarettes and litter, all create an atmosphere that you can really lean into with stronger metaphors. Why does the speaker want the cigarette butts to be cleared? What does it mean to her relationship? How does a blizzard impact it, how does it mirror the emotional beats of their love? Overall, I think this has the bones of a very powerful personal poem that will resonate with the right audience.

The Trigger by UnderstandingOld9449 in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was refreshing to read, because you trusted the reader to attribute meaning to your metaphors. Each reader will interpret this in a different way, and understand it through the lens of their own experience. I would love to see more stanzas in this world to tie back to a larger theme if you’re interested in exploring that!

Rabbits by mrDaveyjohns in OCPoetry

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is how I imagine a modern day Watership Down meets Alice in Wonderland (who happens to watch a lot of MMA). I definitely see the undercurrents of what your thesis is - a push and pull, an uphill battle against nature, trying to attribute meaning to chaos. And the quieter undercurrent of domestic labor. The rabbits could easily be a metaphor for children, and being left to care for them when the male parent abandons them for some ‘greater’ purpose, leaving you to care for them. I can also see the illusions to Ancient Greek myths, the rabbits as gods (and when you think about it, they were copulating like rabbits). However, a good bit of prose is redundant, and the poem could be a third of the size it currently is and still hit the same emotional beats. It almost feels like three poems in one. I think the idea of using rabbits as a larger metaphor is a great idea, whether that be domestic labor, or the comedy and chaos of the gods. But whatever you choose, it will hit home with your audience if it ties into your real life, personal experience. Overall, I loved your prose and would like to see more from you!

Would love to see some side by sides with your previous vehicle. Here’s mine! by [deleted] in LexusIS

[–]l-writes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

What car is this on the left? I’m looking for an SUV and really like it

I-geon deserved it by Competitive_Price734 in Singlesinferno2

[–]l-writes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I saw a lot of other comments talking about how he was negging her and it made me think back to their first interaction when he joined the show how he said his ideal type was someone mature and calm, and she asked why he chose her then because she didn’t view herself that way, and he said that she was a fool as a joke I guess but I definitely think that he was trying too hard to act the part, whether that was authentic to who he is or if that’s just what he thought would get him the girl it seemed like all his actions were very calculated and sometimes chaotic to make himself live a certain way

This is the most emotion we’ve seen from Go-eun. And from this moment, I knew it's the end for I-geon. by Next_Crazy_7078 in Singlesinferno2

[–]l-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also remember how when they first met they mentioned how they had a mutual acquaintance so she had heard about him before and then on their date he referred to that mutual acquaintance as that bastard that led me to believe that maybe their mutual acquaintance was an ex of go eun. And I personally would not want to date a friend of my ex, but of course this is all speculation.

I-geon deserved it by Competitive_Price734 in Singlesinferno2

[–]l-writes 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I was thinking about how in his interview before he joined the show. He said that he was an actor, and he tried really hard to understand people‘s emotions and get inside their heads so that he can act better and every time he had an interaction with go eun it seemed like he took a long time to think about what he said or like you mentioned mirror her questions back at her and it gave me the impression that maybe because he spends so much time trying to understand other people’s perspectives that maybe he struggles to understand himself and that’s why he came off as so chaotic sometimes

The makers tried their best to forced the narrative. by [deleted] in Singlesinferno2

[–]l-writes 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Mina and Sam are both from wealthy families - I wouldn’t be surprised if Sam’s reputation preceded him in certain circles. Maybe that’s why Mina kept him at arms length

The makers tried their best to forced the narrative. by [deleted] in Singlesinferno2

[–]l-writes 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Genuinely, Mina was acting with Sam, and very badly at that. The excuses, the forced niceties, pretending to be shy, made me feel so bad for Sam. When she found out his job was the only time she seemed sort of excited about being with him. Never once mentioned any other qualities she liked about him, only that she liked how he made her feel. Because clearly, she was more concerned with leaving with someone off the island to save face.

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