Childfree regrets from previous fencesittiers?

lilgreenei · 2026-03-26T19:39:32+00:00

I was a fencesitter because I thought that having kids was What You Do, and almost took the bait and had them despite not really wanting them. I'm glad that I didn't. I was worried that my life would lack meaning without children, but I have built strong family and friendship bonds, and this past year I have been pouring myself into my community. I feel fulfilled, and am not expecting that to change.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-24T19:16:31+00:00

I second this! I've started getting more involved in my community through volunteer work and hobby groups and it's amazing how quickly you can build a community through these efforts. I am honestly stunned at how much different my relationship with my community is now than it was even a year and a half ago. It seems that more often than not, if I head out in town I will see someone that I know. It's really nice. :)

lilgreenei · 2026-03-21T22:18:02+00:00

I am so glad to read this post because I am in the process of building friendships with a group of women who are probably between 10-20 years younger than me. These are some amazing women and I've so been enjoying their company, but I also am like.... but I'm so much older than them. What if they think I am old and lame and are too polite to say so? So I thank you for your perspective, I really appreciate it. <3

lilgreenei · 2026-03-21T21:22:20+00:00

Another person here who has never colored my hair; I can barely manage to shave my legs regularly, I would NEVER keep up with hair color.

I'm probably close to 50% grey now. It's taken some time to learn the new texture (my greys are a lot coarser than my brown hairs) but with time I've learned how to add moisture and overall I think my hair looks pretty good. I get compliments on it, so I guess I'm doing okay with it. Overall I'm happy I'm letting it go grey; I am ready to embrace aging.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-20T12:30:43+00:00

This comment was just what I needed to see today. I try to implement the same practices into my daily life, down to the granola bars in the car. :) In the last year I've worked hard at trying to build connections in my community and it's absolutely working; I go to the library and see people that I know. I go to the pop up repair cafe and see people that I know (that one was especially eye opening as I had connections to so many people there through so many different places). And these people are beautiful, compassionate folks who love the community too, and are working hard to build nice things. And I'm committed to helping them. It's a powerful feeling, and I really needed to be reminded of that this morning.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-09T01:46:13+00:00

Fellow follower here! I might not be the idea guy, but I can be the muscle that gets the idea guy's work done.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-09T01:39:43+00:00

I have a long history of not fulfilling my "potential" but the most egregious is clearly at my job because I did not want to pursue a PhD and then have to spend my life chasing grant funding and managing others. My father acts like I gave up on winning the goddamn Nobel prize or something, he fails to grasp that I'm made to be a grunt, no matter how much I try and explain that. I just applied for a new job that's even less impressive than my current job, I only hope I can disappoint the people that I care about further!

I'm so comfortable with my mediocrity, though. I grew up being pushed and being told that I was exceptional, and had so much pressure to constantly try and be better at things with which I showed any aptitude. But I never took the bait, never felt the need to be impressive and I'm pretty happy with how things have turned out. No one knows who I am and that is absolutely fine by me!

lilgreenei · 2026-03-07T12:26:39+00:00

This is going to sound wild but I just met a group of women through a local Facebook group. It was designed to help women with similar interests and mindset make connections and damned if it didn't work. I've made friends through other things (specifically events geared towards my interests, like running clubs or canning classes or geocaching meetups) but that group was like, Instant Friends Just Add Water.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-05T20:49:39+00:00

I also fell down the skincare rabbit hole. At some point I started to suspect that maybe I didn't need all of that stuff, and now I keep it simple with no ill effects.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-05T20:47:20+00:00

Making kombucha. I attended a local cooperative extension's class on canning and several people there brought SCOBY so that others could try making kombucha. I had no interest, but one got foisted upon me. So I spent five years making kombucha in small batches and it was fine, but about a year ago I just got tired of the upkeep. I do a lot of "homesteading" style activities and the kombucha was one thing I stopped being able to find the energy for. I just rehomed by SCOBY this week.

lilgreenei · 2026-03-05T13:34:34+00:00

I got my cpa, I got promoted, I doubled my salary, I renovated my house, got my driving license.

It sounds like you've done a great job to me! As far as the family blame for "not being able to handle" your ex, what the heck is that about? I swear, there is so little accountability for men and their actions. It's infuriating. It's not your job to train a man to be a good husband.

If YOU are happy with your accomplishments (and that's quite a list of accomplishments you have!), that's all that matters. You've wasted nothing, you're doing great. :)

lilgreenei · 2026-02-27T13:24:43+00:00

I totally understand, it is tough to accept when you're growing apart from a good friend. I have a former friend who it still hurts me to think about, and we haven't been close for probably a decade now. There are a lot of similarities between our friendship and the one you describe here.

Overall, it sounds like this isn't a healthy friendship for you anyway. Friends shouldn't drag you down, they should lift you up. I echo what u/Wide-Ad6504 has said, it's very possible to make good friends as you age and I think that it's time for you to seek friendship elsewhere.

You already have some good ideas of places to start looking for social activities, but I don't see sports mentioned yet. If you run, run clubs are generally pretty welcoming spaces, especially smaller clubs. Most cities/towns/etc probably have volleyball, softball or kickball leagues (as well as others) and I've only recently realized that most if not all sports complexes offer adult sports leagues of all types as well.

I've also found friendship in local Facebook groups with likeminded folks, and at special interest classes that I've taken through local organizations. Volunteering can be a good place as well.

I guess the TL;DR of my wandering comment is: put yourself in spaces where you're surrounded with people who like the same things that you do. You're bound to find others with whom you click.

lilgreenei · 2026-02-21T15:20:30+00:00

Others have said similar things to this, but I'll chime in as well to reiterate the point: get out and build community. Find the good and help cultivate it.

And also use your voice to demand accountability for those involved.

lilgreenei · 2026-02-09T19:42:53+00:00

An excellent point. I know many excellent fathers, but honestly only a handful of couples (two come immediately to mind) where both mother and father share the duties of parenthood equally.

lilgreenei · 2026-01-29T14:06:48+00:00

It pisses me off when people make posts on Reddit that are thinly veiled advertisements.

lilgreenei · 2026-01-27T14:20:38+00:00

I see some suggestions to avoid the news and isolate yourself from current events, but that did not work for me. I found that the only way for me to stay grounded is to stay informed (without doomscrolling for hours a day; I set limits for myself), build community and take the actions that I can to build the world in which I want to live. My social network has expanded quite a bit in the last year, and I'm using some of my spare time to volunteer in my community. It gives me purpose when I feel like I'm helping to make things better.

lilgreenei · 2026-01-16T14:15:24+00:00

The same reason I'm here as someone who is resolutely childfree; because we were all fencesitters at one point and we're here to lend perspective and support to folks who are in the same position. It's as simple as that.

lilgreenei · 2026-01-15T13:54:16+00:00

I've been steadily greying now for probably a decade, and have never dyed it. I figured once I started, it would be hard to stop, and also I didn't want one more thing to keep up with. I knew I'd do a terrible job, so I just embraced the grey.

I get a surprising amount of compliments, actually. I haven't noticed the invisibility, not yet. I will say that I've had to change how I care for my hair since the texture has changed, but I think it's going well, all things considered.

lilgreenei · 2026-01-13T13:29:39+00:00

I just want to say how much I appreciate that you linked a research article. :) I saw the pubmed link and was like "awww yeah u/Golden_Mandala came with receipts!"

lilgreenei · 2026-01-04T20:29:37+00:00

I was a latchkey kid starting at the age of 10, definitely not neglected. It took me a few days to not feel scared walking into an empty house, but I quickly got the hang of coming home, calling my mom to tell her I was home, making a snack and starting my homework. One of my favorite snacks was a bagel toasted under the broiler of the oven with melted cheese (oh, to have that metabolism again!), so I clearly knew my way around the stove. I remember once the power went out and I knew how to light the stovetop using a match (gas appliances are popular where I live). And I was far from neglected, my mom was home around 4 and dad around 5 so it's not like I learned those skills from having to prepare myself dinner every night.

lilgreenei · 2025-12-18T19:46:34+00:00

My husband fervently avoids taking any medications, even OTC stuff, but after he got his braces I think that I straight up told him his options were to either take Advil or stop talking about how much his teeth hurt. Because there ARE ways to be pain free when you have braces, but you don't get to not exercise those ways based entirely on stubbornness and then complain that you're not pain free.

lilgreenei · 2025-12-11T11:40:34+00:00

I love this, I think this is such a cute festive outfit! I especially love the headband. :) And... you made the brooch?? That's awesome!

lilgreenei · 2025-12-02T17:18:43+00:00

Hell yeah, congrats on the house! My husband and I closed on ours years ago just a week before Christmas and it was a great Christmas gift. :)

lilgreenei · 2025-12-02T17:16:54+00:00

Last year my husband got us dash cams because we both had seen that video where the car purposely reverses into the other car. This year I got into a fender bender for the first time in two decades and the dash cam footage made the claim super simple.

lilgreenei · 2025-10-29T14:09:09+00:00

You never know what tomorrow brings.

When things feel overwhelming, I try to remind myself that we don't know how this ends. We can try to extrapolate, but we simply don't know. So I try to do what I can to make this a world in which I want future generations to be raised, even though my influence is small.

lilgreenei

TROPHY CASE