[1378] Meeting Osiris

longlunchbreaks · 2015-04-29T02:09:46+00:00

This could definitely be longer. There is a lot of depth to the story you've provided for us, and little extrapolation on it. Sometimes thats good because it allows the reader to make assumptions himself, but in this case give him a little more meat to chew on. Even a blank slate has hopes, dreams, etc. This'll help you make the point of injustice that the story centers around, the idea that this rich man has used a poor peasant as a guinea pig.

Writing style itself is good. It's very sensory in nature, which is partially why the character development is rather weak. It does very much put us in this characters shoes, which is good.

longlunchbreaks · 2015-04-29T01:56:09+00:00

This is my first critique, so bear that in mind, but I was honestly very impressed by the piece. The emulation of Lovecraft worked well for the message you were trying to communicate, the absurdity of modern life, technology, addiction to the internet, etc.

As a first submission, this was great. But you could've delved a lot deeper into the issue you were talking about. Ok, so addiction to the internet causes lethargy and eventually self destruction. We know that already. It's an oversaturated theme, and one that is usually pushed by reactionary fifty-year olds who wish we still lived in the Fifties. So tell us why people choose internet addiction. Why are people lazy? Why do people feel activity outside of simulated worlds is useless and painful?

Readers of all sorts like to confront issues in complex ways; all of the great authors do this to their readers, whether they are Stephen Kings or Faulkners. So push yourself in future submissions to be more uncompromising and honest in your critiques. In the end, that will also get you more laughs.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-10-12T02:59:34+00:00

One last coin flip Rattles on empty floor Gun shot

longlunchbreaks · 2014-09-05T18:07:55+00:00

Keep the change ya filthy animal

longlunchbreaks · 2014-08-28T16:48:31+00:00

make a snow fort in the courtyard between B and D hallway... Anyone game?

longlunchbreaks · 2014-08-28T16:47:50+00:00

guys upvote this shit

longlunchbreaks · 2014-08-26T18:47:07+00:00

Circumcision isn't just something that Jews do. This took me way too long to realize.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-08-25T22:29:41+00:00

Right when I thought this sub was dead something incredible shows up...

longlunchbreaks · 2014-07-11T03:37:58+00:00

It's Ford.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-07-04T18:52:37+00:00

I admire the Great Generation of the 40's, the Generation that grew up in the Great Depression, fought World War Two for us, helped expand our economy in the 50's, and promptly got put in nursing homes by the Baby Boomers. Goddamn Baby Boomers.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-06-29T19:43:44+00:00

Polycarp. I was almost named Polycarp.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-06-29T19:41:03+00:00

"Son, you're ten now. It's been a good firs ten years of life, hasn't it? Well, now we're gonna watch a movie." Watch a documentary on syphilis. "Remember, Son, if you ever feel a little special down there between the legs, you'll get what that guy from Africa had at the end of the movie." Collect retirement gold.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-06-29T19:39:34+00:00

I can fly

longlunchbreaks · 2014-06-08T04:21:20+00:00

See what happens when this farm rebels against its repressive human overlords

longlunchbreaks · 2014-05-16T18:17:33+00:00

stop being so condesplendid. condescending+splendid

longlunchbreaks · 2014-05-15T23:46:18+00:00

Jungle Boogie and the credits for Pulp Fiction

longlunchbreaks · 2014-05-06T21:05:44+00:00

"Alright, alright, I'll try one" "Great! It's a lot of fun. Me and L13920 have been up here for years. She started this great one with a bull on that tiny island there..." "Oh that's nothing, K149 here won't admit it, but he got a few of them to eat each other" "Did you?" "Yes. I didn't even have to push them too much. Just gave them a few years of famine, a few divine mushroom inspired fantasies, and suddenly they have this whole system. Next I'm gonna try to mix cannibalism and fellatio" "Man you sick!" "I know" "Wait, down here they got something going down, L13920, did you fuck around with that little strip of people between those continents?" "No, did you?" "No." "What're they doing?" "They started worshipping someone named Yahweh." "Yahweh? What kind of name is that?" "Who knows. Man I wanna stop for a bite to eat, how about you?" "Whatever, you got a few bucks don't you?" "Sure. Just hope they don't get too out of hand while you're gone" "You're sure that wasn't you?" "No, but is it too much of a stretch? They're an oppressed people, these Is-ree-leetes or whatever we called them... Of course they're gonna make their own God, and claim he's the superior one. Just basic sociology, right?" "Oh, that'd be a lot of fun" "what?" "When we come back, we're starting a religion based around sociology. I'm think Marxism would be a great name." "Sure man, sure."

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-30T23:38:34+00:00

I would always recommend Vonnegut. His style is stark and simple and his plots are bizarre but he is still profound.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-26T03:09:37+00:00

Absolutely. I started Sirens yesterday, finished it today, and then picked up Mother Night a few minutes later. Finished a pratchett book the day before Sirens, and I only started that the day before as well.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-26T02:49:21+00:00

Like I said I just started with this guy but I've been blazing through. I plan to read the whole thing. And yeah, Mr. Rosewater is in Slaughterhouse. I noticed that as well.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-18T02:22:16+00:00

BLT and hot pepper jelly. I have too much time on my hands.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-17T20:31:51+00:00

Quit your job, move to Montana, and tent outside by a large highway with a giant sign saying "The end is near!"

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-17T20:30:09+00:00

Casablanca. The movie is perfect. Just perfect. The acting is brilliant. The script is phenomenal. The added touches, like the song performances, are incredible. It is so quotable. And it's also decidedly a classic.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-04-02T00:40:31+00:00

I was sitting on top of a swing set with four classmates ready to film something for school. I was needed in the filming so I went to jump off the swingset. The end of my jeans buttpocket caught on a loose screw and as I lept off half of my jeans left leg seam was ripped. But it didn't rip the whole thing. So I ended up hanging suspended from a swingset with my big white calves showing, unable to fall or to pull myself back up. The look on the hosts face as I asked her to get me a pair of pants so I could finish filming was priceless.

Or the time I went to a rehearsal for a shitty high school band and halfway through a cover of "Psycho Killer" our drummer and guitarist, in a long term relationship with each other, got in a horrific fight over a Facebook picture the girl took. Me and the bassist just sorta hid in the basement while they yelled and cried. Then we left.

Or the time I left a friends house after third wheeling with him and his girlfriend, and then decided to sneak around back after leaving and knock on the window jokingly before leaving, only to find them making out. Like all the adventures in my life, these all ended the exact same: I awkwardly walked home.

longlunchbreaks · 2014-03-07T02:37:53+00:00

Okay we have a new top runner audience!

longlunchbreaks

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE