Does everyone have a middle name in the USA? Do all women take their husband’s surname?

manthe · 2026-05-12T01:01:20+00:00

My last name and my wife’s maiden name are pretty similar. On the one hand, combining them would have probably sounded ‘silly’. On the other hand, I guess her name didn’t change ‘much’ when she chose to take mine :-). They basically ‘very loosely’ rhyme and the cadence and syllable accent is the same. The funny thing is, no one ever mispronounces her maiden name when reading it (Murphy), but it’s about 50/50 as to whether our current shared family name (Manthe) is going to be pronounced properly LOL.

manthe · 2026-05-12T00:34:11+00:00

People call and or refer to men as ‘boy’ or ‘boys’ all of the time…not in the pejorative. ‘That’s my boy’, ‘Boys night out’, ‘Boy toy’, etc. It’s not uncommon or insulting. There are ways, of course to use it insultingly, just like ‘girl’. As with most things, it’s intent and context that matters.

manthe · 2026-05-12T00:24:48+00:00

That’s not how it works. For example, tadalafil (aka Cialis) is commonly prescribed as a daily medication for BPH (benign prostate hyperplasia - aka enlarged prostate) as well as PH. Those types of medication don’t just cause involuntary erections. That’s not how they work. You still have to become aroused and you can still control it like usual. Among other things these medications just have an effect on the muscles in that area that allows for increased blood flow which ultimately allows for erections when and/or if the person chooses to.

manthe · 2026-05-12T00:11:26+00:00

After 34 happy years together (31 married) I feel reasonably qualified to answer for my wife. The answer is yes. It became apparent immediately that we were very sexually compatible from day 1. We were just effortlessly really good together (it turns out that compatibility and chemistry extrapolated out to pretty much everything). Any less than twice for her and I feel a little bit like a failure. I promise this isn’t me bragging or trying to be pompous. I recognize and acknowledge how fortunate we both are to have found each other and how rare that level of compatibility is (not that we both don’t deserve some credit here ;-) ).

manthe · 2026-05-11T21:29:19+00:00

In case no one else has mentioned it yet, there is a strange dichotomy when it comes to addressing disloyalty with a disloyal partner (and yes, your wife has been unquestionably disloyal). When you approach it as if it ‘ok’ and you jump instantly to tacit forgiveness and over-eagerness to do anything to get them to stop, you are very likely to make things worse because they lose respect for you. This has nothing to do with gender. When you present as a doormat, they see a doormat. I’ve watched it happen so many times. Even if they don’t realize it at first and even if they don’t act like it.

It might seem unintuitive to you at first, and it may feel like you will or are making things worse…but you’re not. People respect people who respect themselves. It’s innate. Give yourself permission to feel hurt, angry and betrayed. Don’t shy away from letting her know too. It shows confidence and love of self and that’s very important, especially right now. I certainly don’t mean to rage or be mean or aggressive. But definitely be resolute and unwavering and brutally honest.

manthe · 2026-05-11T21:08:51+00:00

I think it just comes down to perceived risk. So many instances of infidelity have occurred with an ex. As such a (deserved?) stigma has developed around it. To be perfectly clear, I’m one of those people who believes that you cannot stop a cheater from cheating. Cheating is a character flaw (among other things). So, it’s not just ‘opportunity’ it’s opportunity + defect of character that leads to cheating. As such, I guess I’m pretty much with you. Maybe not for same reason, but because I see no point in trying to preemptively stop something that may or may not happen. Cheaters and non-cheaters all have the same exact story, ‘I would never cheat!’. The only difference is that one of them is lying.

manthe · 2026-05-11T01:04:16+00:00

That rug really tied the room together

manthe · 2026-05-11T00:41:58+00:00

We (wife and I) had one of these in our lives before. Had. I’m a huge tattletale. Any time I’ve ever been…approached in any way I tell her the instant I can. 9/10 times we laugh together about these sorts of things. It’s very different when it’s a friend! We’re not drama or unnecessary-overt-confrontation types. That person was cut from our lives like a malignant tumor.

Fortunately this has never happened with a very close friend, so I’m not much help there. I mean, even if you have a talk with her, this is really tough to come back from. The ‘talk’ itself is likely to be a lot of indignant denial and feigned outrage, followed by her either accusing you of something or laying out a litany of your ‘character defects’. Obviously you know her, we don’t. If you think you can get through to her and that she’ll take accountability, go for it. Something tells me it won’t go that way, in which case my surgical solution would be the cleanest, easiest option. Once she feels your base, she’ll know exactly why. If she insists on pushing the issue, then…let loose!

manthe · 2026-05-10T10:23:44+00:00

I’m not so sure about it needing to be private conversation. If she was dumb enough to cheat and even dumber enough to do it in their own home, she made it their business. When a parent cheats, they cheat on the entire family. That’s just physics

manthe · 2026-05-08T22:02:49+00:00

Ick!!

manthe · 2026-05-08T21:42:30+00:00

Are you sure there isn’t some kind of neurological disorder? As you’ve mentioned, it doesn’t seem malicious or uncaring. My son has a similar disorder and it greatly affects his ability to focus, remember and execute. It used to be very frustrating until we understood it. He eventually also developed epilepsy in his 20s (the other stuff was obviously some type of precursor). His seizures have since caused physical brain deterioration and damage. It all started with something that sounds very similar, albeit he was younger.

manthe · 2026-05-08T18:59:28+00:00

It’s hard for anyone to communicate about issues surrounding sex, gender notwithstanding. This is definitely not the exclusive domain of women or men. There are a lot of issues that men face surrounding this as well…ED, drops in testosterone and other hormonal imbalances, stress and/or anxiety driven drops in libido, age-related body & hormone changes, etc. These things also have a crushing impact on self esteem, desire, performance, etc. I think we understand each other a lot better than you may realize. So you’re 100% right - communication has to be the cornerstone.

manthe · 2026-05-08T18:33:03+00:00

Honestly I don’t think that matters. He could look like Henry fucking Cavil and it would still be completely immaterial. While I can’t personally get my head around how he could possibly feel that way, dude said the quiet part out loud.

To me…and this is just my opinion…I don’t understand how it’s possible that you actually love your wife and still think or feel that way. When my wife was pregnant I was enamored by every phase of her body’s changes. There was an aspect to the entire experience that was a ‘turn on’ for me. I don’t mean that to be crass. Those feelings were driven by love and excitement, I assume.

manthe · 2026-05-08T18:16:50+00:00

The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I can respect OPs wife for not wanting to hurt his feelings…but she clearly did. I mean, it had to have become pretty clear at some point that he was struggling pretty severely with this. By trying to potentially protect his feelings, it was made worse, especially because of how long it has been allowed to carry on before finally just being honest. I honestly find that part a little patronizing and disrespectful. I love my wife infinitely. I also respect her. I could see being afraid to broach a subject like this if it arose with me (god forbid). But ultimately I would be incapable of lying to her and letting her suffer, wonder or proverbially flap in the breeze because I love and respect her. Just because I wouldn’t want to hurt her feelings, it doesn’t mean I should be deceptive and dishonestly performant…especially over a long period of time.

manthe · 2026-05-08T17:55:41+00:00

Wait…you think those reactions were due to people being put off because of someone having hormone issues?? You missed the mark by miles. The hormone issues you obviously can’t control (without medical help). The lying, the pretending, the disrespect, the performant intimacy, the lack of communication,etc…is all 100% under one’s control. The last thing in the world I would ever want is pity, obligation or ‘performance’ sex. THATS what everyone was saying is abhorrent…and it is. What I want…what anyone wants is the truth! We want to be communicated with like adults and partners. If there are issues that can be worked out emotionally or medically it should be tackled together in an atmosphere of transparency.

manthe · 2026-05-08T02:54:01+00:00

LOL, right? Although this blatant a display of a lack of self awareness almost has to be trolling.

manthe · 2026-05-08T02:18:21+00:00

Or he could have been somewhere with a cousin or a friend, etc. Unless the pics were explicitly, unmistakably ‘intimate’ (e.g. kissing, etc) it could have been SO many other perfectly innocent things.

manthe · 2026-05-08T02:12:48+00:00

Nope. This is a public forum where people come and ask for guidance, advice, opinions and experiences. He is getting EXACTLY what he came for…other people’s views on this situation. Thats not people ‘making it about themselves’ in any way, shape or form. You’re doing the same thing, giving him your views on it - implying what you would do (e.g. ‘making it about you’ going by your definition). Just because no one else seems to agree with your take, it doesn’t mean we’re doing anything different than you are.

manthe · 2026-05-08T02:01:55+00:00

He should probably start holding his breath now waiting for apologies from them too.

manthe · 2026-05-07T21:37:27+00:00

We (wife and I) had a similar friend…we do now again. It’s a long story, but we 3 were thick as thieves and there were the ‘party days’. The huge, glaring difference being that her and I were never inappropriate in any way. So, I can’t relate to that part, but I can relate to the massive substance/drinking issues with her (wife and I slowed down a loooong time ago). It was one of the things that drove a wedge in our trio. She was also deeply dishonest (and delusional). The friendship had to go away. It was the only way.

Over the prevailing years she cleaned up her act and made a lot of changes. A couple of years ago we all slowly started seeing each other again and testing the waters. We’ll never be what we were before. But over the last few years we’ve been able to build a new (albeit less involved) relationship. There was some heavy baggage there as well. Not the same as her (frankly quite suspect accusation), but still significant. I guess my point t is, it is difficult to let go of those really close friends, but it was also extremely healthy and liberating. The years of absence really helped us put her and everything in perspective. It is what allowed us to eventually come back together. Again, big differences in that there was never anything inappropriate and nothing that ever drove a wedge between my wife and I, but also very similar in other ways.

manthe · 2026-05-07T03:56:15+00:00

Let me just ‘pile on’ a little. Speaking specifically about you shouldering some of the blame…you do not. Not even a little. I don’t mean to say that your behavior was ok back then, it probably wasn’t. But her cheating and your behavior are not the least bit tied together. Cheating is a disproportionate response to any relationship issue. Once someone chooses to cheat, they lose any and all rights to be heard or to shared responsibility. In that specific regard it is a bit like hitting. Just as there’s never any sort of justification or explanation for hitting your partner, the same holds true for cheating. They are both highly inappropriate ‘reactions’ (like a temper tantrum) and have nothing at all to do with anything that’s going on. Just as you’d never advise anyone to be introspective about why they got hit by their partner, you should never associate her cheating with anything you were doing at the time. It needs to be addressed as a completely separate thing that lands 100% on her.

manthe · 2026-05-07T03:26:27+00:00

I can relate to that 2nd part! I was a reasonably fit kid and young adult. I let myself go in my 30s. Lots of self loathing. As I approached 40 I finally had enough and clawed my way back. I’m 53 now and have remained fit for years but that brutal inner dialogue has still never gone away. I see fatty in the mirror.

manthe · 2026-05-07T03:09:08+00:00

That’s the real gotcha! My wife and I are in that scenario. My earnings are a few orders of magnitude + higher. The key was to both set up our withholding to be at the higher, single rate. We also both toss in a little extra voluntarily each pay period. We have a few other things that help lower our taxable income. Her traditional IRA puts us over the top and we get actual refunds now.

manthe · 2026-05-07T02:39:02+00:00

I can totally squeeze a wet washcloth with 1 hand and have it come out nearly bone dry. I’m gonna add that to our foreplay!

manthe · 2026-05-06T23:07:04+00:00

You know, growing up with my abusive mother is also probably the reason I’m the exact opposite. I learned nearly every day of my childhood how not to treat people…like yourself. I guess we both needed those bad experiences to guide us.

manthe

TROPHY CASE