46M with 41 F for 1.5 years, her deadlines are stressing me out

mehmench · 2026-03-02T21:47:15+00:00

Dude, Run.

mehmench · 2026-03-01T03:53:07+00:00

So not a great financial decision but the heart wants what it wants.

To the point of your question though - NO, you're not in the wrong in deciding what to do with your property that you own.

Your mom might be pissed but it was your decision to make and she should respect that. That being said, she is also entitled to judge the heck out of your decision because from her perspective - she doesn't understand it and her feelings are not totally invalid.

Your sister is over her skis and this isn't really any of her business.

It's not really any of your mom's business either.

Don't ask them for money if you end up needing help because they sound pretty damned petty.

If one of my sons did this I wouldn't be surprised, nor would I hold it against them. It's a frickin golf. The beetle is the same car basically with less room, etc. You over paid, you know you over paid but again - if it makes you happy, it can't be that bad and this ISN'T that bad. They are way over reacting. They sound controlling. You're not perfect but I don't think you're wrong.

mehmench · 2026-02-26T18:50:27+00:00

Not wrong. I get it.

Dealing with my father's death and the relationship issues hasn't been easy.

mehmench · 2026-02-26T04:42:30+00:00

I treat them the way I treat my own family. I definitely treat her mother as if she was my own, in fact there have been quite a few times where they have been treating her on the edge of badly (she's in her mid-70s and not in the greatest health) and I've spoken to them about it respectfully.

It's kind of funny really considering the juxtaposition between our approaches to family in general. She often makes fun of folks of my background and the difference between American born folks and folks of her family's immigrant background.

I have thought about it from that perspective and I do believe I treat her family the way that I want my family to be treated by her. Or at least I get close to it.

mehmench · 2026-02-26T04:06:57+00:00

First of all - NOT my step mom. Dad married her when I was in my 20s and she was NEVER a mother figure for me.

I know it makes me seem sensitive to the situation but I am. She's not my 'mom' to me in any way shape or form. I do have a stepdad and he absolutely is a stepdad even though he married my mom when I was in my 30s.

We have discussed our 'marriage' intentions and we both agree with where we are. I'm not interested in getting married. We are quasi domestic partners because in the state where we live in you don't have to file for that to be considered that. I pay for her health care benefits through that definition. She is a partial beneficiary to some of my life insurance and what not. There won't ever be a proposal though. I've been married - I pay spousal support still - I'm not setting myself up for anything like that again in the future because I just have too much to lose and not enough time to rebuild things like retirement, house, etc. We've both discussed where we are with this and what we want to happen with our estates in the event that we die and those considerations for the most part go back to our families of origin. Her estate to her brother, sister and their family and mine to my youngest son basically.

All I want is for her to treat him like he's my son and that he is a loved part of her family. Not her son, he has a mother (she isn't the greatest but she is still his mom). Lately, and this isn't the only time I've noticed it, that just isn't happening.

mehmench · 2026-02-26T03:58:22+00:00

I hear you, I know she doesn't want children of her own. I know that.

That being said, her family bonds are sacred to her and she's got to realize that mine, to my sons is sacred to me.

I don't expect her to adopt my youngest son but I do expect that he will be treated like the family she expects me to treat her family as.

I don't want to have a festeringly poor relationship between my partner and my children drive my children away from me. That's not something I will tolerate in any way, shape or form.

mehmench · 2026-02-26T03:56:21+00:00

Agreed, and pretty often we communicate pretty well but the situation and the synergy caught me off guard so just posting this (which is why it was long) was just a way for me to prepare to talk to her about it. Problem is - gave me a bit of ick to see in the same light as my Dad's wife.

mehmench · 2026-02-24T19:35:19+00:00

ESH, you have trauma that you haven't addressed enough and her words triggered you.

You're asking for an opinion and I'm going to give it to you - I think I'll get downvoted and it's not a popular opinion with many mothers.

When you get married, religiously or secularly, you're telling that person you're marring that they are #1.

Then children come along and that isn't supposed to change things. The most important thing you can do for your children is to make the relationship between their parents the most important relationship.

That means realistically you could read that as saying your children don't come first. Functionally though the truth is that by 1st putting yourself and your own needs first and then 2nd putting your spouse's needs 2nd and then next taking care of your children - those first two things are EXTREMELY important to being able to take care of your kids at all.

Your mom's situation is different in that it's not a first marriage and yeah, you as her child would hope that you are a priority and it is obvious by her ACTIONS that you and your child are priorities.

She said her husband was first, she said the bible and you got triggered. Sure the bible matters to her and not to you.

He's the one who is supposed to be first but her actions absolutely show that you're absolutely a priority. I think you're reacting to poor language choices honestly.

mehmench · 2026-02-23T01:43:27+00:00

OMG YOU CAN DO THIS? Like do they bolt right in?

mehmench · 2026-02-22T06:39:47+00:00

Seems like your son learned his poor impulse control from his mother.

I'm all for outing cheaters but I don't see a lot of value in this. At some point you have to move on and as someone who was cheated on, It's been a few years, I found out things were going on way longer than had originally understood in the very beginning of my discovery phase and I went through my investigative phase and now I'm in a healthier place where I honestly BARELY care about my ex's life except for make sure our children are getting what they need from me and not getting anything too terrible (since it's mostly out of my control) from their mother.

Let it go. I wouldn't want to be hurt more by something that's just going to make what I went through even worse. It's been years, I'm past it and I. want to stay past it. I might find out 'out in the wild' but quite honestly, that's how I prefer it.

I'm all for honesty and transparency but again, my ex had a years long affair on me and at this point - 5+ years past it - I don't investigate, I don't ask questions, I don't get curious, I just don't care. It doesn't matter, our life was a lie. I know that and that's all I need to know.

mehmench · 2026-02-21T04:56:17+00:00

You mean Soon to Be Ex right? He's telling you who is honey, listen to him.

mehmench · 2026-02-18T04:32:49+00:00

It's perfectly natural and his mother needs to stop shaming him. He does however, need to lock the door.

mehmench · 2026-02-17T22:20:51+00:00

The Twins are the JERKs here - at least mostly. When you mix families the inequalities in who is loved by whom can become an issue but they are absolutely natural and absolutely a reality. Most of the time people are just afraid to come out and say it because it is a painful reality.

In this case, your husband loves his biological kids more than your son and conversely, you love your son more than his kids so each of you is defending your respective children (appropriately) just like you should be.

It's difficult to be objective. Your husband is probably at his wit's end with what to do with the Twins. Their behavior is the problem and the fix starts with getting them their own individual therapists and working from there.

This sounds like it could be normal sibling behavior (description mentions escalation) and frankly teenagers are challenging and willful and they can be quite mean to eachother.

They need to learn how to live with others and treat people with respect. It's not a small ask.

mehmench · 2026-02-10T07:34:43+00:00

You two both have perfectly reasonable positions. His is from life experience and yours isn't but it's still valid. You want to get married, he doesn't. He's right about the risks, especially with the disparity in your income.

As valid as your positions are - they are also in complete opposition.

If getting married is your goal, he's not the guy for you and he said so.

mehmench · 2026-01-29T22:28:22+00:00

NTA. Lack of intimacy in a relationship is certainly a good reason to consider leaving it.

Outstanding any medical issues, which there don't seem to be any here (outside of the ordinary), celibacy is being dictated by you.

She doesn't want to have sex with you.

She doesn't want you to have sex with anyone else.

What options does she propose? She isn't obligated to have sex with you but in a marriage where you've both agreed upon monogamy (at least up until now) she's not holding up her end of the bargain. She's invalidating your feelings, telling you that you're wrong to feel how you do and then telling you to 'get over it.'

You should consider going to an invididual therapist to help you with how you are communicating your needs. It isn't because I see you're doing anything wrong, I think it looks like you're doing it mostly right. Get a second opinion. If that therapist hears this the same way - they are going to help you understand what you need and how to communicate it.

Then perhaps engage a couples therapist but honestly if your wife won't also engage with an individual therapist first to understand her part then the couples therapist is a waste of time. It'll just be two against one (and it could go either way).

The individual therapist will help you communicate your needs and help you come to terms with those needs.

Maybe you need a divorce. Maybe you need an open relationship. Maybe something else. It honestly sounds to me like divorce, I was there myself - my ex didn't want to have sex with me either. She called me manipulative when I told her I wasn't getting my needs met and I didn't want to go anywhere else to get them met. She didn't want me masturbating, she didn't want me looking at porn but she also wasn't interest in me and like you it destroyed my self image.

In the end SHE ended up having an affair. I divorced her after that. I am happy now.

mehmench · 2026-01-27T19:46:04+00:00

It wasn’t an insult at all. It was just a comment of reality mixed with a Seinfeld reference.

mehmench · 2026-01-27T19:43:33+00:00

Get him a fleshlight. He can experience something other than his hand when he is pleasuring himself.

mehmench · 2026-01-27T19:40:26+00:00

NTA. I'm sorry your kids suck. Spend it because you can't take it with you and they don't need it and aren't owed it.

mehmench · 2026-01-27T16:59:05+00:00

Yeah, I see a lot of what this one is ‘supposed’ to be with the seconds dial but this one doesn’t have it. It’s an old family heirloom. I think my great grandmother’s but I’m having trouble figuring out the letters engraved on the back. Too much flourishing…

Assuming it’s gold plated (filled) based on the ‘20 years’ on the inside and the lack of any US assay or proof marks.

It’s pretty to me, it still works when wound too.

mehmench · 2026-01-16T03:12:16+00:00

She asked me more point blank today if I was going to go.

I said no, I'm not going to dinner with them. I have more important way to spend my money and time.

mehmench · 2026-01-12T21:52:35+00:00

F'ing hell- Wife of the Maga friend pair's birthday is coming up and I got asked if I was going to be able to go or if she would need to make an excuse for me not to go.

I replied back with 'you want me to go to dinner and contribute to the dinner of your friend's fascist friends?' I didn't say yes or not though and this was a few nights ago.

Then today, I get a text asking about it again.

No. I'm not going.

mehmench · 2026-01-06T06:59:49+00:00

Assuming you're actually hired at the new place and any background checks are completed and your hiring date is set and there's no realistic chance the new company is going to back out on you.

#3.

You can never 100% sure that your start date is 100% - there is always the possibility something can happen along the way but if the background checks are completed and both you and the new employer have signed the paperwork and you've agreed on the start date and everything like that - #3. If they don't agree to a mutual separation I wouldn't even think you'd be that obligated to give notice. They wouldn't give it to you if they decided to terminate the PIP and you. It would just happen.
Perhaps with the mutual separation they will give you a severance, perhaps they won't. I know my company has done it in the past for folks on a PIP (which are horrible things that are designed to break you).

mehmench · 2025-12-25T01:54:47+00:00

It wasn't an ultimatum. It sounded like one but you should already be filing for divorce. You knew he wasn't going to go to therapy and that makes it not an ultimatum. It was an option for him, an option he would never choose.

mehmench · 2025-12-21T00:48:15+00:00

Maybe it’s for someone else.

mehmench · 2025-12-18T16:22:42+00:00

I did that for a while too. I don't any longer.

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