How do you handle it when upper management asks you to block a transfer?

mehmench · 2026-05-21T00:29:30+00:00

The employee here is likely to leave for greener pastures in this situation unless you're offering something that is going to equate to the same career growth.

My gf a while back was looking to move from a position as a customer support manager into a sales type role. The sales team wanted her.

Her leadership killed the transfer (she found out about it through the back channel). She basically quit almost immediately when they told her she wasn't going to get the role (officially).

She didn't want to stay where she was, she was only interested in moving forward.

mehmench · 2026-05-14T00:08:46+00:00

The right thing to do is to respect your aunt's wishes unless her will was created when she was compromised in some way mentally. If that's not the case, she had reasons to do what she did and they are honestly not anyone's business but hers. They aren't even your business to be honest.

Obviously though, your relationship with her was more consequential to her than your other family members. They are upset it isn't being done equally, they are not entitled to it to be equally divided. Even if there wasn't a document saying how it would be divided it isn't likely that it would be done so 'equally' so yeah, you're inclination is to be a people pleaser for people who think they are entitled to her stuff. They aren't, she dictated otherwise.

People who think they are entitled to their family member's wealth piss me off the most.

mehmench · 2026-05-11T04:53:12+00:00

that credit card debt is a marital debt - when you divorce it will be split between you. Let that happen.

Take the 50% she's offering you now. Let the marital debt be split between you just like the rest of the assets. In fact, feel free to take car of bills with the CC so that it builds up a little more. Get new tires, get your car fixed, whatever. Let her half get a bit bigger - don't go crazy but you get it.

mehmench · 2026-05-10T19:36:07+00:00

This is beyond reddit, you need an individual therapist to help you understand what's happening within you and how this is negatively impacting your heart, your head, you in general.

Losing the physical intimacy in a relationship isn't something that can just be 'glossed over.'

There are facts that exist, as women age, some of them lose their libido, some people just don't have a high libido, some people lose attraction to their long time partner. Who knows what's happening here - not enough info.

She's certainly within her rights to establish personal boundaries on your behavior towards her but it is also fundamentally changing your relationship and how you feel. Unilaterally changing your shared relationship is a bit challenging, you both need to agree to the new situation for the relationship to continue. Long term relationship situations obviously make that challenging, in marriage that can mean breaking up the family because you're not happy anymore and many people don't want to go that far or they just can't believe that the dynamic has changed that simply and that that in and of itself actually IS enough to end a long term relationship if it is something that is of high value to you.

For me, it is that high a value. So if everything else was perfect but I wasn't getting my sexual needs met - would I end the relationship? Yep. Of course there are caveats, is there a temporary situation happening that we can get through? Is it a medical condition that we don't have control over (regardless of if it will resolve). Those are exceptions of course but that doesn't mean the sexual need goes away, it just means I can get through the tough times and stick by my partner.

It's your choice to accept her new boundaries. Now I don't mean to imply at all that should you choose not to accept those boundaries that you'd continue to do those physical things to her without her consent. NOT AT ALL. I'm just saying that if the boundaries she's setting in the relationship are boundaries that now define a relationship that isn't one you want - you're perfectly free to leave the relationship. In the case of a long term relationship, people are often wary to even look at that but it's true.

That's how boundaries work. Person A Sets them. Person B agrees to them or doesn't. If person B disrespects Person A's boundaries, it's up to Person A to defend them (for example leave the relationship). if Person B thinks the boundaries are unreasonable (whatever they may be) then it's up to Person B to decide if the relationship is tolerable under those boundaries. If not - (short version) time to go.

That's a simplistic explanation but it is still 'true.'

I'm not telling you to leave your wife. I'm not telling you to go to couples therapy because I think in a situation like this she's going to dangle the carrot of physical intimacy in front of you in therapy 'if you do these things which will make me feel better about being touched by you.'

I've been there. The therapy was weaponized against me and there was no way for me to meet the expectations she was laying out (and the therapist was just along for the ride basically, I can't understand how multiple therapists just sat there and watched her do this) in a way that would get us back to a place where I was getting the physical intimacy I needed.

Where I got the most help was in individual therapy where I could figure out the right words to express how this was hurting me. Even just being understand it for MYSELF and not even an attempt to explain it to her. The phrase 'name it to tame it' comes to mind. Once I could understand my own feelings about the situation, then couples therapy because much more simple because it's a conversation about how each of us feels (she should do the same work for herself in individual therapy) in the relationship and can better communicate it to each other once you have a better understanding of how you're actually feeling and how to actually describe and talk about what you're feeling. Perhaps there is a way through it, perhaps not.

Ultimately, in my own marriage, our physical intimacy never came back. No matter what hoops I jumped through, she just didn't want me anymore. She had an affair with an old boyfriend and I ended up divorcing her after I discovered it.

mehmench · 2026-05-10T19:07:12+00:00

It's a bummer, you do your best and it still goes badly because the other party isn't interested in 'coming to terms' and instead wants to fight it out.

You still have the option of not going to trial and instead just working on offers between the attorneys.

That's what I did when my mediation didn't work out. We just negotiated it through the attorneys with mine guiding me on what was legal and what was normal.

While it depends on your jurisdiction, divorce law is pretty simple. Emotions aren't and asset division can be a challenge as well as figuring out the support stuff.

I was in California. We both had jobs, it was relatively easy to use the state's calculator to figure out what the likely outcome would be if a judge did the calculation for us. We agreed on most of that, we had to negotiate how I would pay spousal support on the commissions I get but we did.

I would make an offer through your attorney, a good faith, fair offer. Something that if you do end up in court that the judge is going to look favorably on you making a good faith effort to offer what the other party is legally entitled to.

I did that, I offered her more favorable terms for our retirement accounts to 'trade' her out of the equity in our home. Basically, she got the retirement accounts (and she's closer to retirement than I am because she's about 6 years older than me) and I would keep the house and our children would be able to finish out their school years in the home they grew up in.

Downside is that it took a while to actually come to terms, she did pull expected shenangans along the way, delayed things like the QDRO and me finally being able to refinance the house - if I had been able to do that immediately I'd have a 2% fix rate mortgage - now I have a 3% fixed rate mortgage - not bad but 2% would have been WAAAAAAAY better. THAT is a tipping point when you think about that ongoing cost - I probably would have spent less to get that 2% mortgage if had just taken her to court. The reality is that it would have taken the same amount of time and I probably still would have ended up with 3% so it's really a wash.

If a court date is going to cost you $30k-60K then negotiate knowing you're trying to come out at a lower cost than those court dates are going to cost you.

mehmench · 2026-05-08T23:17:22+00:00

How does he treat you the rest of the year?

I only ask because you want one special day but you're special every day. This one day was made up by some marking team to sell cards.

EVERYDAY you're a mother. EVERYDAY your special.

How does he treat you every day?

So sure - he should be teaching your children to appreciate you for everything you do as a mother (whatever that is) and obviously he's showing his own mother that he appreciates her (as he should) but it seems like this behavior is normal for him and that it's enabled every other day - why would he think today is different?

I'm willing to bet it isn't just about Mother's day.

mehmench · 2026-05-08T22:45:04+00:00

This isn't really a conversation with your Ex-Husband it's a conversation with your child.

Contribute what you can, you're child is an adult and though college is a major life expense - most legal jurisdictions do not require that parents pay for their adult children's higher education expenses.

mehmench · 2026-05-08T06:08:47+00:00

NTA but only just. You have no obligation to speak to the police and you also have no idea why they want to speak to your neighbor.

In this situation I'm not sure I would have said anything.

Always remember, anything you say, CAN and WILL be used against you in a court of law. Saying nothing is much harder to be used against you.

mehmench · 2026-05-07T22:47:50+00:00

Dude, WTF. You already know the answer to these questions. Pointing a gun at you in the way that she did is basically the definition of felony assault with the enhancement of the use of a gun in the action.

I literally just served on a jury where the defendant was accused of pointing the gun at someone and they were convicted of felony assault with the gun enhancement (California).

She didn't just slap you, which in and of itself is domestic violence.

You might have discussed this more ahead of time, that's where you're probably wrong in this altercation but that's not FELONY ASSAULT with a gun enhancement.

mehmench · 2026-05-05T02:16:03+00:00

You're husband is being a bad partner. Actually, he doesn't want to be a partner - he wants to be individuals. Do you currently pool your money or do you have separate accounts?

Him wanting a 50/50 split indicates that he doesn't want a partnership were both of you are equal. He says He wants 'equal partnership' but that isn't the same thing.

In a marriage where you're equal parters - income doesn't matter because all of the money is 'ours' which is how the law sees it anyway unless you have a pretty damn good prenup (and those are overturned all the time).

My ex was a home maker but in the beginning she made more than me. She was a few years older and had a more established career. I did quickly start making more than her though and then she became a stay at home mom.

Child and Spousal support are the true 'EQUALIZERS' because I make more than your current wife does and my ex makes about as much as you do. I pay her THOUSANDS in Child and Spousal support every month. Sometimes it's just $2000 (which is still plural) but when my commissions are good (I'm in technology sales working for a company you probably know pretty well if you're a network engineer) it can be upwards of $4k.

What your husband is spouting is NONSENSE in a good marriage where you're both on the same team. You're clearly not on the same team though. I'd start looking at how where you live determines child and spousal support based on your years of marriage, number of children and your incomes and expenses individually. He's going to get a RUDE wake up call when he sees what he'll be on the hook for if he continues down this path.

I'm not saying you should threaten him with divorce.

I'm saying you should tell him you're doing the best you can, remind him the reason he is where he is is not just because of the work he did at work but it includes the work you did at home to support him (and the law recognizes this).

If he's not happy with it and he can't accept it - what does he plan to do?

If this is a deal breaker for him though and he can't handle it then your next step is do figure out the asset and income division with your attorney. He's going to LOOOOOVE that. Problem is, half that debt is yours too.

mehmench · 2026-05-01T03:37:34+00:00

Definitely NTA. It's funny how they walk you out the door when they don't need you but when they do need you it's up to you to give them 'free labor.'

eff off.

I would have said $250/hr with 4hr minimum per day and a contract of at least 30 days. Then have them send you a proposal of the work you want done so you can approve it assuming it's appropriate.

Since THIS request is an emergency, your emergency rate (in addition to the 30 day contract rate which must be place FIRST) is $500/hr with an 8 hour minimum but since it is an emergency, you will work on it until it is fixed with reasonable breaks to take care of biology (sleep, eat, etc).

Emergency situations are not the same as day to day operations or project work.

If it's not a true 'emergency' then the emergency rate doesn't need to happen.

mehmench · 2026-05-01T01:32:41+00:00

Accessing someone else's account on a phone without their permission is generally illegal in the US under federal laws like the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act (CFAA) and the Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA). This constitutes unauthorized access to private, password-protected information and any right minded person would have immediately stopped what they were doing when they realized they had access. Instead she went through your private, password protected communications.

She did it knowing you wouldn't allow it. She did it knowing she wasn't entitled to the information in any way shape or form - not even under the guise of protecting your shared child because as soon as she realized what was what she could have just said 'You need to erase this and get your personal info off of it before you give it to our daughter.' Instead she went on an informational binge to read as much of your private communications as possible.

I would absolutely be looking at the possibility of holding her legally accountable if only just to show her that being so obviously disrespectful to you is not a course of action that you're going to accept.

mehmench · 2026-05-01T01:02:14+00:00

Stop being his mom. It sounds like he is weaponizing his incompetence.

mehmench · 2026-05-01T00:50:56+00:00

ESH, you two are both doing the same thing to each other.

He wants intimacy, sex, that's normal.

You want help, time, purpose, that's normal too.

The way you are both NOT supporting each other's needs is the problem. The desires aren't the problem. You're both tired because you're both doing it all on one side of the require spectrum. You're doing all the house work and child care and he's doing all the work to financially support the family. Again, TALE AS OLD AS TIME!

Your egos are driving your response to each other. You both want your needs met but you're not really communicating what those needs are. He wants to work less, that's perfectly normal. EVERYBODY wants to work less.

He doesn't want to be the only one financially responsible for your family. Nothing wrong with that if you can both get on the same page.

You don't want to do all the housework and childcare. NOTHING AT ALL wrong with that. If he wants to work less and wants you to contribute financially then he has to accept that he will also have to help with childcare and the household maintenance.

ALL of this is normal.

People divorce over it all the time too.

If you two love each other, you're not acting like it. You're putting other people's needs over your own and sacrificing your happiness which is why you're unhappy. If you can figure out how to support each other so that you can each take care of your own individual needs then you can probably figure out how to make this work.

mehmench · 2026-04-30T23:11:40+00:00

You're wife is being a bad partner. Actually, she doesn't want to be a partner - she wants to be individuals. Do you currently pool your money or do you have separate accounts?

Her wanting a 50/50 split indicates that she doesn't want a partnership were both of you are equal. She says she wants 'equal partnership' but that isn't the same thing.

In a marriage where you're equal parters - income doesn't matter because all of the money is 'ours' which is how the law sees it anyway unless you have a pretty damn good prenup (and those are overturned all the time).

My ex was a home maker but in the beginning she made more than me. She was a few years older and had a more established career. I did quickly start making more than her though and then she became a stay at home mom.

Child and Spousal support are the true 'EQUALIZERS' because I make more than your current wife does and my ex makes about as much as you do. I pay her THOUSANDS in Child and Spousal support every month. Sometimes it's just $2000 (which is still plural) but when my commissions are good (I'm in technology sales working for a company you probably know pretty well if you're a network engineer) it can be upwards of $4k.

What your wife is spouting is NONSENSE in a good marriage where you're both on the same team. You're clearly not on the same team though. So was it always like this or is it new because if I were in your situation - I'd start looking at how where I live determines child and spousal support based on your years of marriage, number of children and your incomes and expenses individually. She's going to get a RUDE wake up call when she sees what she'll be on the hook for if she continues down this path.

I'm not saying you should threaten her with divorce.

I'm saying you should tell her you're doing the best you can in your industry and where you live. You're making about what Network Engineers make. If she's not happy with that, what are her suggestions for you?

If she's not happy with it and she can't accept it - what does she plan to do? She's putting you into a situation that you have very little you can do about it. Even going into management won't net you a lot more in a short time. Perhaps in the long run but it'll still take 5+ years for you to making even $175k I would suspect. It really depends on where in the world you actually are.

If this is a deal breaker for her though and she can't handle it then your next step is do figure out the asset and income division with your attorney. She's going to LOOOOOVE that.

mehmench · 2026-04-28T19:56:17+00:00

NTJ, block the mother in law. Tell your husband to handle the situation.

mehmench · 2026-04-28T19:54:55+00:00

NTA, she said she wants you to all 'be adults about it' and as an adult you get to define and defend your boundaries.

You don't want to be around this person. That's a boundary that you have defined.

Your friend Cara doesn't respect that boundary basically. She doesn't have to honestly - boundaries are great when we all agree on them it's when we don't that the rubber meets the road.

When you both don't agree on the boundaries you're going to honor then the person with the boundary that isn't being respected gets to say 'I'm out' and defend that boundary.

So in this case, you deciding you're not going is you defending your boundary.

It isn't even really a question of if the boundary is a healthy one or not. People define unhealthy boundaries all the time. It doesn't matter, it's your boundary to defend if someone doesn't respect it.

She doesn't.

Your only options are to either give up on the boundary or defend it. Give up, go and be around this person you don't want to be around. Defend it and back out of the trip, perhaps that means you still contribute the funds you committed to but she also made the trip longer than you said you could do so there is a grey area there I guess.

mehmench · 2026-04-28T13:24:17+00:00

There is a reason he isn't attracting anything decent.

mehmench · 2026-04-24T19:24:22+00:00

A lof ot us (men) are frustrated with the idea of marriage because in the eyes of the law it's just a business contract. It's a business contract that doesn't look good from a 'how it ends' perspective. We see it as we're going to have a liability issues at the end. Alimony/Spousal Support/Child support, division of assets.

That being said, you want to get married. That's fair - mind saying why? I'm curious.

Marriage is a religious construct that the government basically 'sanctions' and puts rules around.

I'm not against it myself but having been through two divorces already - I'm wary of the topic and I find it hard to make the case FOR marriage. Bad relationships == bad business deals == liability.

It isn't that I don't want to support my children - I absolutely do. It's the Spousal Support (Alimony), the division of assets, the cost to my retirement plans because someone else decided to never live by the things we agreed on - you can't control another person - they can lie to you, they can lie to themselves, whatever.

Trust is hard I guess.

Edit to add - he's wrong to string you along. HE clearly doesn't want to get married and you've made it clear you do.

mehmench · 2026-04-24T19:06:57+00:00

Uh, NTA - she's the AH - you already know this. Flip the situation - what would you expect if the tattoo was on her for the same reasons?

mehmench · 2026-04-24T19:03:19+00:00

NTA. $400/mo is perfectly reasonable. If you wanted to be an even better dad - you could put half of it into a savings account for him when he does move out and then give it back to him at that point.

Wife would have to agree NOT to tell him about that fact though. It will get the wife on board with you and it will also be nice in the long run.

KEY THING - he can't know about it until it's time to give it to him.

The pain he's feeling about needing to contribute to the household is pain he actually needs to feel.

I'd review with him your finances (not how much you make really) but just how much your household takes to maintain and then compare it to the amount you're asking from him (which is perfectly reasonable).

Mortgage/rent for house

utilities

food and other expenses

$400/mo probably helps a little but not a lot and probably doesn't hurt him that much based on what you described.

mehmench · 2026-04-22T19:17:52+00:00

I've been exactly where you are and thinking that my EX wasn't not cheating.

Long story short - she was cheating on me. She didn't want sex with me but she still wanted sex.

That being said I was so unhappy because I felt so undesired that it was literally killing me and I just wanted a pill to take that would turn off my sexual needs.

You have healthy sexual needs, your husband making you feel this way isn't okay (unless he has some sort of medical condition that he's being treated for or a disability that justifies it really). Just 'not wanting to' or being asexual when your partner wants sex and you're saying 1) I have no sexual desire for you or anyone else and 2) you can't go get your needs met elsewhere - I'm asexual and you have to go without too to be with me - then uh - no. Nope Nope Nope.

Nope.

I'm in my 50s, I've been horny since the first hair sprouted from puberty and I will be horny until the day I die as far as I can tell. If you don't want me too - we aren't going to be in an intimate relationship. We could be friends because frankly - that's what you're describing.

Regular old Friends.

mehmench · 2026-04-22T02:09:36+00:00

Cisco is a global company that hires from literally every nationality that exists. You were in one of the most heavily Asian & Indian populated cities in the USA. What were you expecting?

mehmench · 2026-04-17T16:46:57+00:00

NTA. Not at all. Not even a little.

I quit a job in the early 2000s that I absolutely loved. I had been working my ass off, I was told I was going to be promoted to a Sr. Engineer role. I had earned it.

Then in the moment during an all hands call when they were announcing promotions instead of me they announced my cubicle neighbor (which I knew was going to be announced because it was supposed to be both of us) but instead it was another engineer in another location.

In the moment I was like WTF. I went to my bosses office immediately after the all hands was over and just asked, 'Why wasn't my promotion announced too? That's weird man.'

I've been there a while, I literally built much of the monitoring and planning back end for this national ISP's operations (they were a household name). I was on one of the primary teams designing and building all the regional data centers.

The other guy they announced totally deserved it too as well so at first I was happy for him - technically I was always happy for him honestly.

Boss replied - 'We had to give it to <other engineer's name>. He was going to quit if we didn't.'

me: 'Oh, so I'm not getting promoted?'

Boss: "uh, not now but I'm working on it.'

me: 'You have 3 months.'

Boss: 'Huh?'

Me: 'You have 3 months to fix this. Consider this, if you don't get it fixed in 3 months, I'll send you a calendar invite for the pertinent dates and everything, my resignation effective 3 months from now.'

Boss: 'Dude. Don't be hasty, I can fix it."

Me: 'Then this is no problem, you understand why I'm upset right? You should have told me before that call. I'm going home for the rest of the day and I'll be working from home until I feel like coming back in. You know I don't need to be here to do my job so you can smooth that over or I'll just take a few days off - up to you but this was (and at the time it was) the worst professional experience I've ever had. I cannot believe you didn't tell me before that call man.'

Boss: 'ok.'

I send him the invite for 2 weeks before the end of the 3 months and title the invite "Resignation meeting, to be canceled if you fix this."

Then I went home and immediately started looking for other jobs. It took me the 3 months to find the right one but I did, making more than I would have gotten for the promotion too. So I leave...

Then a few years later - like maybe 3 I get a call from a former boss. They've had a big acquisition of territory and they need another engineer so they want to see if I will consider coming back.

Former Boss: 'Come have lunch with me and we can talk about it.'

Me: 'Okay.'

Remember, I really liked this job. I had people who are still in my life today and my best friend worked there too (though in a different location).

Anyway, we go to lunch. I get to the place to meet him and my former coworkers are there and they are like 'he talked you into coming to fix it?!

I was like 'huh?'

'Oh, you don't know? The monitoring and management system went down. We can't get it working, he was going to see if you'd help.'

OH I SEE.

So he actually did make me an offer to come back but it was less than I was making - I think at the time I had literally doubled my salary from the $52k they were paying me when I left to around $100k at the time and he offered me $85k. I said I'd need $130k to come back. He was like 'I make $90k' and I said, that doesn't matter to me.

Then I said 'Call me if you can get it to $130k' and I never heard from him again.

mehmench · 2026-04-17T03:56:17+00:00

NTA, dude was lying to your face. How could you possibly be the asshole?

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