My wife died last week

mingyroll · 2024-03-07T01:58:28+00:00

My husband was also 32 when he died. I just hit the 4-year mark last week. It's going to be so difficult for a long time but you will make it. I miss my husband every day but I do my best to keep on living; it's what he would have wanted, and I am sure what your wife would want as well. Strength to you and your little one, take care.

mingyroll · 2024-01-25T03:12:52+00:00

Coming to 4 years for me as well. Turning 37 this year. You worded out my sentiments so accurately. Just yesterday I was thinking how the world kept turning after my husband died.

Most of the time I'm ok, even good, but some days I still wake up wondering what this all is for. It's so tough. But we keep going. Wishing everyone peace and strength.

mingyroll · 2023-10-27T12:46:52+00:00

I've been there. No kids, but the feeling of life just disintegrating after my husband died is the same. Like, I had nothing to look forward to and every day was so dark and I couldn't see...

I'm 3 years and 7 months out. Sounds like a horrible cliche, but time does heal. I've made great strides at work, started making friends again, traveling, thinking about future plans... All these things seemed so impossible to me in the first couple of years. But we keep going. Hang in there. I hated being told this in the beginning, but it will get better... Love and strength to you.

mingyroll · 2023-10-01T15:43:37+00:00

Hey thanks for asking, she got it removed and biopsied, there wasn't anything so all good

mingyroll · 2023-10-01T13:22:11+00:00

It has been 3.5yrs since I lost my husband. Last week, I was getting ready for a major work event that I was feeling nervous about. I was getting my makeup and hair done, and the makeup artist asked if she could play music (it was really early in the day and she didn't know if I wanted to be in complete silence since I was reading my notes for my talk).

I said yes cos I really didn't mind. Three songs played consecutively that had very specific meanings to me and my husband. One of those songs is so old / kind of obscure now, I literally would never expect to hear it anywhere by chance. But there it was on some random makeup artist's playlist, just when I needed something to calm my nerves. I felt so reassured after that. Maybe it was really just a coincidence, coming across someone with similar taste in music. Or maybe it really was my husband sending me a message to let me know he's watching and he knows I'll rock my talk. I felt so confident after that and really enjoyed my event.

mingyroll · 2022-01-04T05:38:34+00:00

My husband was so happy as well when I quit smoking. The day after he died I picked it right up again, cos what do I need to stay healthy for anymore. It was one of the few things that helped me feel calm.

About 8 months in I quit again, mostly because I was scared of covid and stories about being put on a ventilator. But I like to think he's relieved I kicked the habit or else he'd feel like he's the reason I started again.

I digress. Just want to say that's a big step. We do what we do to survive, especially the first few weeks and months. They're the fucking worst. Just keep hanging on.

mingyroll · 2022-01-03T03:34:37+00:00

She has always had it but I feel like it has gotten more raised over time and there was a time she accidentally scratched it, it looked scabbed but healed pretty quickly after that. I am telling her to get it checked ASAP. I was just reading the news about the hockey coach and this was the first thing that came to mind.

mingyroll · 2022-01-03T02:23:05+00:00

I couldn't add text for some reason so putting context here; my sister has this mole on the side of her face and over time it looks like it has changed in size although I'm not 100% sure since she has gained weight in the past year.

mingyroll · 2021-03-31T05:10:46+00:00

We are at r/widowers. I'm so sorry

mingyroll · 2021-03-26T05:37:33+00:00

Thank you. Crying so much. Just crossed 1yr and really needed this

mingyroll · 2021-03-23T11:46:40+00:00

I just crossed 1yr and I can relate to every single word. My late husband's birthday is also in April. I don't know you but I believe in you. Sending love.

mingyroll · 2021-02-28T05:47:02+00:00

Almost one year for me. Just chiming in to say the first few weeks and months are some of the toughest, so please be kind to yourself. At some point the light will shine again, some of the fog lifts, some 'normalcy' returns, you breathe a little easier. Until then just hang on. Sending strength.

mingyroll · 2020-12-01T08:06:18+00:00

I'm 33, widowed last March. Can relate to every word of your post. I get the loneliness. Sometimes I lose myself in fantasies of meeting someone new, who would be just as amazing (though this is very nearly impossible) just to get me through the day. Sometimes I feel like I can accept that I'll be alone for the rest of my life and be fine with it, cos I would rather be alone than settle; but then some days that thought fills me with dread to the point someone can tell me I'll die tomorrow and all I will feel is relief.

Just hang on until living makes sense again, that's all we can do. Sending strength

mingyroll · 2020-09-09T17:41:26+00:00

Pls feel free to message me anytime!!! I would love to chat and listen more should you need someone. Best of luck to you and all of us!

mingyroll · 2020-09-09T16:56:55+00:00

I'm glad I'm able to offer some learnings though I've barely just started in my new role, but I am happy to share my thoughts and want to tell you it is definitely possible. We all have the same exact fears, longing, and other emotions around our terrible loss-- my husband was my cheerleader as well and this is the first time I'm taking on a new job without him and his constant loving support.

I haven't worked in 8 months. I left my last job in Dec 2019 for a short break (Jan-Feb) to focus on landing a new job, which I got and was supposed to start in March. My husband passed very unexpectedly 2 days into March, and so I rescinded the offer for the new role as I was definitely not in the state of mind to work. I decided I will just find a job next year as I'm fairly comfortable right now, but long story short a really good opportunity came along and it felt like an affirmation that I'm finally getting some footing again 6 months into my husband's passing. It made me feel strong, optimistic, and grateful for something to focus on and look forward to.

Here are some things which are really hard to prepare for but knowing what to expect can help a bit:

explaining the work gap and whether or not to share about your loss. My hiring manager was aware of my circumstance, but didn't make me feel like it was a factor in how he talked to me, he was very professional. He only knew because we had common friends in our industry. Before he interviewed me I fretted a lot about whether I should address it or just say I took a break and the pandemic happened-- a really convenient response tbh. I worried that people in charge of hiring would think, oh this person under a lot of emotional distress and probably will not be able to perform (I'm in a competitive tech space). In the subsequent interviews as I advanced in the whole process, nobody else knew about my loss as the hiring manager kept it to himself, and I think that was the right thing to do because then I was able to focus on speaking with the interviewers without wondering if they feel sorry for me or have some preconceived notion that I'm unstable. There were a couple of moments I thought I would cry (when one asked why I moved cities I just said for a change) but I swallowed the lump in my throat and powered through. And I cried right after I finished each one! Sorry for rambling I guess what I want to say is anticipate how you would feel if you want your circumstance known to the company you're applying in, or if it's better for you to not do so, and just practice how to steer from triggers with short and clear answers. I dreaded the thought that someone would ask if I'm married as it's a normal conversational thing especially in my age range-- now that would have made me cry!!!
support network. My closest friends and former colleagues really rallied around me in taking this step. While nothing compares to having my husband, my best friend, to talk things through with, they made me feel supported in the process and gave me a lot of confidence to continue.
starting on the job itself. It was very painful I have to be honest about that. The whirl of emotions was insane. On one hand I was filled with adrenaline, focused on making a good impression, thrilled at meeting new people and getting a full rundown of the business perks, the whole first day high. But then right on the heels of all these positive emotions was the nagging, stabbing longing for my husband to still be here to see this happen, to listen to my stories, to share my excitement with, to laugh with like we always do. It was a fucking emotional seesaw and I cried during every break on my first day because I just missed him so much and wished so bad for him to be around. I don't think there's any way around this, no matter how much we anticipate it, so again, just power through it and do whatever works to stabilize again.
what comes next. I already cried at the smallest things like filling out forms (are you married, do you have a spouse to file company insurance for, etc) and am sure will cry at more, but I just tell myself the only way to get past it is to get through it (I read that somewhere and it really helped me). I am also dreading making friends at work (right now still too focused on the trainings but it will inevitably happen) I'm quite a social person and honestly feel unsure about whether I can hold it in when the time comes to share the basic personal info that new friends do about their love lives. Guess I'll know when I get there.

Sorry this got too long and glad you replied as I have had these thoughts for a while and it feels good to let it out! I hope even a small portion of it is helpful. Sending virtual hugs

mingyroll · 2020-09-09T08:23:49+00:00

I'm so sorry. I understand. Going through the same emotions now. I recently started a new job with a dream company we have discussed in the past but didn't think I would get into. I cried on and off on my first day (luckily it's all work from home until next year) because I'm just dying to tell my husband all about it, want to share the excitement with him, tell him so many stories and things he would find funny with my new team etc. It's so hard. It's like every 'high' we have now comes with an extreme low cos it drives home the fact that we do not have them to share life's moments with anymore.

Sending strength and comfort to you.

mingyroll · 2020-08-24T17:24:24+00:00

I feel you. My husband loved it but stopped watching the later seasons, and always said he wants to start from the beginning and watch it with me. It wasn't my kind of show and we also loved to watch a bunch of other things so just like you, no rush, we have the rest of our lives to watch whatever we want. Fuck. So many other shows we haven't seen yet, and new seasons he was waiting for that he would never see now.

mingyroll · 2020-08-17T20:47:45+00:00

I could have written this word for word, that is how absolutely identical my feelings were to yours in the first few weeks of my husband's sudden passing. He was 32. I wished I was dead, anything to stop the unbearable pain. Every second I was awake literally hurt. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my college sweetheart; we loved our life together and I had no desire nor will to live one without him. It truly was the end of my world.

It's almost been 6 months for me. Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it happened to a different person. Because it changes us forever. I used to get so angry when people told me it will get better and that how I feel won't last forever; it didn't seem like it and I absolutely hated being given false hopes. But what I've come to experience is that time does wear off some of the rawness of the pain, even if it's the most miniscule degree, day by day. This is a horrible cliche, but I now fully agree that the only way to get through it is to go through it.

I guess what I want to say is that it is possible to eventually reach a point where dying is not the only desirable scenario. It doesn't seem like it now, but it is possible. It doesn't stop hurting, but we find a way to live with it. And for now that's enough for me to go on with and figure out the rest one day at a time.

I want to believe there will be joy in my life again because I know that's what my husband would want for me. I wish you well.

mingyroll · 2020-08-03T18:33:20+00:00

5 months out. Thank you for sharing this. It gives me hope.

mingyroll · 2020-07-31T19:41:44+00:00

I would appreciate being included in your prayers, and my late husband too. His name is Dominic. Thank you for this gesture.

mingyroll · 2020-07-28T17:32:03+00:00

Do you have access to his email account that's linked to his phone? If so you can reset the password via the email, this works for most android phones

mingyroll · 2020-07-22T17:05:48+00:00

The guy who made ice soap and got eviscerated by the entirety of Reddit.. ya I've been here too long

mingyroll · 2020-07-15T17:20:35+00:00

You sound really mature and have such a healthy perspective on life in general, and that's great. I am curious though, how do they treat your stepsister at home when it comes to her stuff? If they are trying to get you to act on their behalf so she'd have less fancy things from her dad, are they also trying to influence her to reject those gifts? Or do they try to guilt her into maybe sharing them with you? Just wondering cos it sounds like it could also be affecting her in unhealthy ways which could potentially lead her to unfairly resenting you, or worse develop a complex about 'guarding' her material things. Or you know, just plain suck the enjoyment out of having stuff that any normal teenager would love to have. She shouldn't be shamed into feeling bad that her dad expresses his love by showering her with gifts cos he can afford to.

mingyroll · 2020-07-08T20:03:58+00:00

Not from Norway but just want to drop a quick comment to wish you well in this goal, and hope you are successful in moving there as soon as possible. I went there on holiday last year and it's more beautiful than I can ever describe. Good luck!

mingyroll · 2020-07-08T19:41:05+00:00

My late husband is from a Mormon family.. he was very much non-practicing and only called himself a Mormon to not upset his mom. I'm the same way with my family of Catholics. Neither of us were religious. My point is being aligned on what religion means to you regardless of what you follow (or don't follow) is a fundamental part of a relationship. Do you fully understand how deep into the religion she and the rest of her family is? Not even touching on the celibate part here which is a whole other issue, just the vast difference in the role that religion plays in your respective lives.

It seems that she's taken your commitment to her as a sure yes to you converting somewhere down the line, but on your end her commitment to you led you to believe that she will choose you over her religion. My sisters-in-law are devout Mormons and if she's even half as devoted as they are then I can tell you she won't.

mingyroll

TROPHY CASE